


that millions of strange shadows on you tend

by onaji_hoshi



Series: in reference; [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Canon Divergence, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Build, Stream of Consciousness, awkward teenagers in love, horrific use of makoto as the token straightie, kougusa as a secondary ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-02-08 17:22:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 105,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1949712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onaji_hoshi/pseuds/onaji_hoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Rin’s breath was calm and slow, and two loose strands of hair fell across his face, on his cheeks, pale from sleep. Haru wanted to brush them aside, but they’d fall back in place, so he didn’t bother. Rin slept sort of like the dog Haru’s had; curled slightly, as if he didn’t want to occupy much space. His left hand was about to slide off Haru’s waist and there were still traces of tears on his cheeks.</p><p>It felt like a dream."</p><p>Post s1e12, heavily rincentric, rating will change later (sorry), new tags every chapter (?), ?????, profit? Friendship is magic, but it can't make all you've been through vanish, or: Rin Matsuoka has 99 problems and his enormous crush on Haru is like 50 of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was this feeling --

the one of waking up in the morning, getting off the high or adrenaline and realising that maybe if it wasn’t fucking up per se, you still did some damn embarrassing and pointless things, also, there was no need to get so emotional

\-- and Rin have been slowly starting to hate it. Very emotionally, very with passion.

Like, okay. There was this thing with smiling at puppies, crying at graduation and, um, having the most obvious and embarrassing crush anyone can ever have, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t really a big thing. But fucking up your race, making a huge scene with shouting and violence and then crying in front of people you’d rather avoid humiliating yourself in front of -- that was, anyone would admit, a bit too much for less than an hour.

Or rather: things like this would be okay to bear if you could just say ‘Oh well, happened. Sorta awkward. Oopsie’, or have others ignore it. Except such situations were extremely rare, and if already happening, would rather happen to someone who definitely wasn’t Rin Matsuoka.

Because look: at first he just stared at Haru’s outstretched hand as if it was a dish from foreign cuisine; what is it? how do you eat it? are you sure it’s not a part of the decoration? to the point of beating all the records in outstuttering yourself (‘B-but, Rei, I-I, uh-- wait, Haru’ repeated, as it seemed, ad infinitum), then he had to sit down, not even looking for a spare curb, just letting his knees reach their destiny and turn into hot jello on the ground, because he thought he understood everything and had it under control, but it turned out he didn’t, or, to be precise, he Didn’t; and thank Nagisa for whining obnoxiously loud for him to hurry up and join the relay -- otherwise he’d panic himself to long, painful death.

And thank Ryugazaki for running down the stairs to congratulate them after the race; except ‘congratulating’ in that situation equated with him trying to make a constructive speech and ending up making an inhumane noise straight into Rin’s ear as he pulled him in for a rib-crushing hug and said (or perhaps shouted, perhaps trying to make him death as a revenge) how happy, how happy he was. And thank Kou for being an absolute goddess; for smiling at him as if nothing had happened, as if they were still in primary school; and, of all the things she could have told him after all this time, for choosing ‘And now you just have to play Animal Crossing with me, okay?’

And maybe thank Nitori too -- for being a heartwarming yet a bit comical contrast to the rest of the team, jumping like a madman and shouting… lots of things, to be honest, and very few of them had any sense, but maybe ‘outstanding!!!’ and ‘amazing!!!’ had that influence on the team advisor and made her not kill Rin right there where he stood.

And yes, that was very nice and supportive of them, and amazing, and he couldn’t find words to thank them in thirty years, but -- but the fact that he fucked up remained. And was probably remembered, and perhaps recorded. And kept. On some media, but also in his head. For a long time. He’d only hesitate a bit before adding ‘forever’.

Because lying in his hotel bed, perfectly made with perfectly white sheets, made his mind free of Haru’s warm body against his, or Nagisa’s high-pitched voice in his ears, or Kou’s laughter. For a blissfully short time, his mind was free and he could delight in the soft, bright warmth in his chest and the small smile that appeared on his lips no matter how much he tried to make it disappear. For a short time he felt happy and light, like summer break was starting tomorrow.

But short time was short, and it ended, leaving Rin with a feeling of his brain being squeezed in his skull and an overpowering need to wrap himself in a thousand of covers, crawl under the bed and never come out.

There was only one cover, but he made good use of it anyway.

Because now he knew that Haru cared, that he cared all along and that meant that all the time, he was hurting him; because he was an egotistical ass that thought only about his own feelings; because if he wasn’t such an overdramatic idiot and actually tried to talk with Haru, they might have still been friends through all those years (there was a tiny voice in his head, friendly reminding him that but you weren’t able to even if you tried but it drowned in his own voice telling him that it’s all your fault);

\-- because it was; he barged into their life like it was not a big thing and pestered them about the relay, even though of them all only Nagisa seemed to really like him, at least a little; and instead of leaving them alone, he kept on pushing them more and more simply because he could; because for one moment he thought they might make a group of friends, just like in comics and anime, a group of friends that has lots of cool adventures, sure, but in the first place has the strongest relationship one could imagine, and maybe one day Nanase would smile at him, genuinely; and sometimes those reasons felt valid, important; they felt like good reasons. But sometimes, and right now, they felt like stupid excuses of a child who has read too much comics and hopes to become a superhero. Nanase had an amazing talent, and what of it? Nothing, he should have left him alone instead of behaving like a child spoiled rotten.

Even now he still remained like that. Because of his lack of understanding, his damn stubbornness and inability to just let go he’s said all those stupid things only a child would say that were probably really confusing and troublesome for them. Indirectly, it was his fault that Ryugazaki humiliated himself so much; and if he minded his own business--

He curled into an even tighter ball.

In the bed next to his -- there was Nitori sleeping. Probably with a book under his hand. Probably in some weird position that would make him groan about it in the morning. Probably he was having some weird dreams he’d tell Rin about in the morning; senpai, you won’t believe, I had a dream that my dog was flying on his ears, but it’s a german shepherd…

Why couldn’t he be Nitori?

He’d have those very small hands, yes, but in return, he’d have both parents. And a dog. And a bass guitar. He’d have that carelessness in him that would let him answer ‘I don’t know yet’ to a question about future job. He’d have a pack of guys who’d make those annoying chirping noises everytime he passed by.

It wouldn’t have to be Nitori, though. He could be one of those guys. At least he would be able to chirp.

He sighed soundlessly (his breath, for some reasons, was always almost soundless, as opposed to those of others. Other people always breathed so loud, it almost sounded like a bunch of angry vacuum-cleaners). He felt horribly hot -- he’d be surprised if it was otherwise, after all he’s covered himself from head to toes -- but he didn’t move.

One more time in his life he started to wonder why exactly he existed.

That is, logically speaking, assuming people existed to make impact on others, there was no point in him. Unless there was a need for someone to complicate some cool guys’ lives, but then it could be anybody; and then, Haru found basically everything annoying and a nuisance.

No, but really.

Logically speaking.

No point. Because: achievements? Nothing impressive. The opposite, even. It wasn’t something someone else couldn’t do. Friends? Well. The presence of the others always made him the happiest person in the world and so on, but he wasn’t sure if they were his friends, that is, friendship couldn’t be one-sided. Friendship was a Big Thing, a Big, Deep Thing that Lasts Forever, and it was more like he was a colleague to them. A colleague they were so kind and wanted to make happy, but still a colleague. He was pretty sure there were other, more important people in their lives. Nagisa arrow Ryugazaki. Ryugazaki arrow Nagisa. Same with Makoto and Haru. Double-ended arrows. He was a small confused dot somewhere on the side. Probably with lots of question marks around it.

Logically speaking, there was also no meaning in his existence from his mother’s point of view. She’s never said it, but it was rather obvious she’d be better a/ with a husband that is alive, and most probably a successful olympic swimmer; b/ a daughter. If they decided to have a child, it would be a few years later and Kou would be something around ten, maybe twelve now. She would be happy and she’d have everything she could ever dream of. She could have a huge chocolate cake everyday instead of once a month. Basically, the amount of money his mother had paid for his education -- not only compared to the costs of her and Kou’s daily life -- made him want to evaporate everytime he thought about it.

Logically speaking, he wasn't’ more important that one (1) leaf.

Leaf, at least, was a part of a tree. Trees produced oxygen. Which was good.

Rin Matsuoka did not produce oxygen. In fact, he emitted carbon dioxide. Which was not good.

He was unnecessary even to the environment.

Rin Matsuoka blinked and mused over his dramatism a bit. Then realised, with the last remaining rational parts of his mind, that he was probably falling asleep.

* * *

 

Usually when Rin woke up, his first thought was ‘No’.

Now, it was ‘NO’.

It was less unhappy and more tired, but it was quite a powerful ‘no’ anyway.

He’d never admit it to anyone, but sometimes he wished he’d just wake up one day and everything would be all right. He’d dress up, eat breakfast with Kou and mum (she’d fix his green tie even though he tied it right) and they’d go to school together. Then he’d sit next to Haru and have lunch with them all, and Nagisa would probably try to steal sausages from his bentou.

Now it seemed like a dream come true; except in that dream he’d wake up by the sound of alarm clock, not with Nagisa’s voice booming next to his ear like he used a megaphone. Maybe seven.

“Rin-chan, come!”, Nagisa yelled in a rather successful attempt to wake him and other deadmen in the 20km radius up. Someone made quite a mildly irritated sound. “We’re going on an adventure!”

There were limits. Nagisa did not know them.

“I. Was. Asleep”, Rin murmured ominously, refusing neither to open his eyes nor to crawl from under the covers, hoping it would make at least Makoto react accordingly. Uh oh, we’re sorry, we’ll come later with orange juice and apologies, goodbye. That would be fine.

“And I’m that cute bird that wakes you up”, Nagisa replied cheerfully. From what Rin remembered, the bird chirped, not screamed like it was skinned alive, but he didn’t point it out.

“Also I hope you’re at least half as rich as the dragon because I need you to buy me a bread”, he added on one breath. Rin was still deadly silent. It's not some dragon, it's Smaug.

“Melon bread”, Nagisa specified.

Rin waited; then waited some more; in the meantime, someone snickered (probably Nitori) and another someone said ‘He won’t go away’ (definitely Ryugazaki).

Rin sat up on the bed, count dracula style, the covers still glamorously on his head. He felt strangely content like this; it was giving off a false feeling of Doing Something, and it wasn’t like he couldn’t fall asleep. So perhaps--

“I think it’s all he can do at the moment”, Haru said quietly, “Just leave--”

Oh no, thought Rin. No, son, you won’t.

So, to show Haru that he won’t, he tore the covers off of himself and got up; or rather attempted to and said attempt was abruptly stopped by Ryugazaki, who seemed to hover carefully over him the moment he decided to get up.

Ryugazaki groaned painfully, hands instantly on his head; Rin was too dumbfounded to even make a sound. It was frankly obvious to anyone over the age of seven that if you get up quickly, you get dizzy, and yet Rin ignored it and there was the punishment. The suffering was twice as big.

He rubbed his eyes with one hand, the second one still resting on his head, “Okay, but what the hell, Nagisa? I’m trying to sleep here, it’s like midnight or something.”

“It’s only half to eleven”, Nagisa shrugged carelessly. Ah yes, that’s a huge difference. “But some first-years from Samezuka told us there’s a konbini nearby and there are lots of cats!”

“They sell cats?”, he asked, surprised only a bit. He decided not to ask about the Samezuka first-years part.

“Rin-chan!”, Nagisa groaned, shoulders dropping dramatically, “Of course not, there are lots of cats around the shop because it’s close to a square, geez!” He shook his head as if he didn’t just woke Rin up in the middle of the-- evening.

“And you’re convinced I haven’t seen a cat in my life, or…?”, he paused, his voice still low and husky from sleep. He noticed only Nagisa and Ryugazaki were paying direct attention to him; Nagisa put his hands on his hips, trying to look determined and scary, probably, but his amazing case of a bed head only made him look like a grumpy twelve-year old. Ryugazaki looked like he was not only still suffering the head bump; he also had a face of someone who’s doing something only because he’s too tired and resigned to protest. Rin wondered for a second if Nagisa was just as persistent as he was in the primary school. Or perhaps it wasn’t the case, to use an euphemism.

(Without using and euphemism -- the boy looked very like the family.)

Makoto’s body was politely turned towards Rin’s bed, but he turned his head to talk with Nitori -- probably about that hugeass book he was pretending to read (Rin had forgot to ask him if it’s, by any chance, The Lord of the Rings series in one volume), while Haru -- if Rin’s thought about it a bit longer than a split second, it’d make him blush -- was trying to look both at him and the painting on the wall at the same time. If he also aimed for strabismus divergens, he was on the right track.

“Rin-chaaan”, Nagisa groaned, his shoulders dropping again, except with more frustration and as if he was trying to shake off the irritation, “We’re trying to socialize, you know? And you’re not going along! Rude!”

“I would”, he said. Shut the fuck up, he thought to himself. “Twelve hours later.” Shut the fuck up!

“Twelve hours later you’d be in a bus, you can’t hang out with someone when you’re in a bus! Cooperate!”

Ryugazaki looked at him, half knowingly, in that annoying I-told-you way, half apologetically (another I-told-you), and cocked his head, as if he was saying Come on, say it already.

Or perhaps Rin was only imagining things. He wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to go with them -- because then he’d worry about everything again -- or stay at the hotel -- then he’d worry about everything and himself being an asshole to them, to his… friends; in fact, the only thing he knew was at least 75% certain was that they didn’t come here only because of the melon bread. From what Kou had told him, Rin had remembered that Nagisa had no restrains from strolling around the town in the middle of night in his pajamas; and it wasn’t like there wasn’t anyone who could lend him money, so the verdict was -- they’ve come here for him. In the middle of night. They’ve come here at night to socialize with him.

Wow.

“Rin-chan, you there?”

Don’t fuck up, don’t fuck up--

“I don’t have clothes”, he spat out nervously. You fucked up, congratulations! That’s a real wonder they’re still here. Despite your sparkling personality.

“Huh? Of course you have, you’re wearing them right now! Very nice tanktop”, Nagisa said patiently, “You’re not worse than those konbini workers, so come ooon already!”

“Please don’t mind and go, senpai!” Nitori livened up, looking as if it was his time to shine, “If you call me, I’ll open the door for you!”

Oh.

Rin belatedly realised he’s just been robbed of the last sensible argument, and that -- Nitori did it with the most beautiful and innocent smile he’s even seen. (In the meantime he realised that, in fact, he was leaning towards the ‘go’ option more than the ‘not go’ one, so phrasing it like that would be rude, but he needed to make sure of -- some things.)

“Oh, rereading?”, he said sweetly as he put on his hoodie, slowly and -- hopefully -- unwillingly walking towards the door, “Man, brings back memories. Kou cried for half an hour after they killed Boromir off. He was the coolest.”

And so he left, leaving behind nothing but cries of despair

 

* * *

 

The walk to the konbini was as romantic and charming as it could be -- in dim light of the street lamps, with buzzing of mosquitoes as an additional tune. From time to time someone made a rapid movement with their hand, or two, or more limbs whatsoever, or said something along the lines of ‘I hate mosquitoes’. When Rin brushed a mosquito off of Ryugazaki’s jacket, he met a gaze full of endless gratitude. Nagisa probably preferred that other method. The method that included vivid red hand-shaped marks on your back. For a day.

Nagisa had promised socializing and for now, it didn’t look much promising. When they left the hotel, Makoto made a joke that Nagisa walked around the town so much that he should buy some souvenirs for his family and that was it about the social fun. Rin guessed it was because everyone was tired and no one really knew what to talk about. It was understandable. Besides, it wasn’t like a conversation with, for example, him would be any interesting.

The konbini itself was rather small -- Nagisa didn’t hesitate to announce it both to them and the rest of the town residing in the 500m radius -- and Makoto wondered out loud, although visibly less out loud than Nagisa, if he’d find that manga magazine he wanted here. Haru just hummed; Nagisa said ‘Let’s find out!’; Rei started a small lecture about the time he’s heard konbini get their delivery. Rin realised he had an anecdote about it, from the times when he used to read manga online when he was in Australia; the scans were updated on a site soon after midnight in Japan, so there’s that; but after retelling it to himself in his mind he realised it’s already too late to add something and not sound like an idiot, besides, it was kind of boring, so he said nothing and followed them into the shop.

There were only three people working: one middle-aged lady and two young people, a boy and a girl, from which the girl looked like she could fall asleep right after the client walked away. The shop wasn’t completely empty, but in spite of the radio music playing softly from the speakers and two schoolgirls talking rather loudly, you could say it was silent out there.

In fact, Rin didn’t really like going to konbini. He didn’t really like shopping. It wasn’t about the mere activity of buying things; there were ways to buy good things for low prices. It wasn’t like he thought shopping was for girls, because he didn’t; he wasn’t one of those people who thought objects or activities need gender. He wasn’t even sure if people need them. He didn’t like shopping because it took him a really long time to decide what to buy.

And it wasn’t about such big things as, for example, clothes. Choosing clothes was important; if you buy something without thinking, you might spend money on something you’ll only wear once. No; he had terrible troubles with choosing, let’s say, which yogurt to buy. Coconut or vanilla? Or if he should go for normal, salted chips or test that new weird flavour out. It wasn’t like he ate such things often, after all. He cared about eating things that were actually healthy. Those were just examples. Struggling on choosing one healthy thing over another healthy thing would be more understandable, but Rin had troubles over the cheapest, stupidest things.

Going alone would be something he could survive, but friends? Even buying things along with guys from the team was stressing. He stood there looking at two types of bottled water for five minutes, everything was stressing like that.

Standing in the vivid light of konbini lamps only with a green shop basket in hand made him remember another time when he was at a convenience store. It was in Australia, maybe a month or two after the first race here. His class was on a trip, probably; it was night and he was deadly tired, hot and currently sporting a nice headache because other kids demanded a movie and the guide figured it won’t hurt anyone to blast it at the full sound. He tried to ignore it at first, but eventually the headache was so bad he couldn’t ignore it, so he asked the teacher for a stop even though the last one was just an hour earlier. The teacher looked at him and spoke as if it was his own fault. They stopped at a gas station and even though the inside of the shop was almost cool, his headache didn’t get any better. He felt as if his brain was being squished by a too small skull, his hands were shaking and he felt small and weak and pale, white like flour or something else. He wanted to lie down. He wanted to go home. Or maybe dissolve into nothing.

"Rin?"

Oh.

Oh.

He exhaled nervously, feeling his cheeks grow hot and probably redder than his hair, and looked around. Makoto was looking at him; his eyes, normally droopy and worried-looking on their own, looked even more concerned.

"Are you alright?", he asked in what he probably wanted to be a quiet, soft voice but ended up in catching Nagisa's attention, "I mean-- I don't want to interfere but you were looking at those vegetables like--"

Nagisa snorted. Makoto let out a small 'eh?'. Rin's face must have been glowing red at this point.

It wasn't Makoto's fault, really, that he felt the need to justify his worries. It also wasn't Nagisa's fault that he had a sense of humor of a primary school kid. Maybe Rin was just oversensitive. Yes, probably.

Makoto started apologising like crazy and Nagisa giggled quietly at his small private jokes about Rinrin and his passion for carrots; Rei didn't even hear that. Of course it was innocent and stupid and they were all tired, so perhaps that's why, but Rin couldn't help it; he wanted to leave. Not even physically get out of the shop, he just didn't want to be there. Just like that.

 

* * *

 

There was a street lamp on the square and for a quite long time he spent on waiting for Nagisa and Haru to finish their shopping, Rin wondered if he could hang himself on his hoodie.

Of course, that was ironical wondering, but still.

He only walked around the shop for six minutes, after all. And it would be fine, really, really fine, if he didn’t forget to zip up his wallet after paying. Before the cashier gave him the change, coins from his wallet fell out on the floor; it took some time to pick them up and when he was fairly sure he wouldn’t humiliate himself anymore that day, he had to -- had to -- accidentally hit the cashier’s hand with his and make her drop the change. She waved her hand at his apologies spat up with the speed of light and said it was okay, but he was million percent sure he heard Makoto giggle (in his ‘oh, sweet child of mine’ way) and one of the schoolgirls snicker.

Rin Matsuoka’s life was a joke of a very cruel god.

He retreated shamefully, trying to keep a straight face, but it was somewhat hard to do it while being beetroot-red so after exiting the shop he made a nervous beeline to the closest bench and sat down, praying for all the gods of the world to become unnoticeable.

Of course he wasn’t, so soon after, Ryugazaki joined him on the bench; then, Makoto appeared, looking slightly worried and ‘Do you want some? I think I got carried away…’, and both him and Ryugazaki sighed quietly because how do you get carried away in a konbini, exactly?

Soon they were joined by Nagisa and Haru and once again Rin realised how badly he didn't fit. They exchanged food at some point, talked a bit and then there was this silence -- light and relaxing, for some, because Nagisa, for instance, looked very content, but for Rin it was unpleasant and if he needed more occasions to wonder why they wanted to hang out with him -- he couldn't find a better one.

He wanted to pull his knees up to his chest and fall asleep like that. Or maybe just go back to his hotel room, but then Nitori would probably fail to control himself and ask something like so soon, senpai?

Someone said something, he realised.

"When are you coming back, Rin?", Haru asked. Rin didn't think it would be interesting to anyone, especially Haru. But he was the one who asked.

"Tomorrow morning."

"Oh, that's a pity!", Nagisa pouted, "We have a bus later. Something around the noon or later, yeah, Rei-chan?" Ryugazaki nodded. "We plan to walk around a bit!"

Rin waited for a while for him to say something more, and when he didn't, he had no choice.

"I. Is that so", he said, and after searching through his head for something he could keep the conversation going, he added, "Are there any things worth seeing?"

Ryugazaki opened his mouth a split second before he did, probably about to change the subject, and when he heard Rin's voice instead of his own, he turned his head slightly. Just as the others.

The next was Makoto.

"Not really", he said, "but we heard there are some really pretty shrines. Haru wanted to draw them."

Again. That tone you use to justify something. As if those shrines existed because Haru wanted to draw them. They existed for him to draw them.

Rin wondered what it was like. To exist for someone else.

And probably, as savoir-vivre says, it would be his turn for a reply, but thankfully, or not, he was interrupted.

"Matsuoka!"

He raised his head, resigned, only to see the swim team's coach. She was probably just as awake as him, dressed in a worn-out grey hoodie, short hair ruffled. She was probably on a night walk.

"From what I remember, I told you to go to bed like an hour ago", she said, stopping by their bench, hands in pockets. He stood up awkwardly. "This isn't your bed." Well, he had to agree.

Nagisa shrieked joyfully, others only giggled, too tired for anything else.

"And you? I have no idea if you're here alone or with a teacher, anyway, this isn't a good time or place to be for high school students. Shoo!"

So they got up and followed her; Nagisa even offered her a croissant (Makoto -- even two) to what she only shook her head but ended up taking them in the end.

When they parted, Rin raised his head. He didn't really know why, he certainly wasn't in a mood to say goodbye or -- gods forbid -- something more. This, however, made him notice Haru's face. He was looking straight at him, his brows slightly furrowed but his eyes softer; he was worrying about him. Maybe.

He hoped he could fall asleep easily; because he was tired, it should be enough to just feel the pillow under his cheek. Instead, he couldn't sleep for hours, listening to the silence ringing in his ears and feeling his shirt sticking more and more to his body.

 

* * *

 

When he got off the bus, he expected a few things.

First -- that he’ll get to his dorm in peace, study a bit, exercise a bit and then, after, maybe, watching a movie with those two university students who lived here instead of in campus and had a charming yet a bit troublesome habit of expressing their emotions through tenor and baritone singing at 1 am (at first Rin didn’t believe Nozaki from 3A, because come on, that was like a stupid university romcom. And then, one night, his romantic stargazing had been interrupted by loud and -- he had to admit -- beautiful ‘I fucking hate exams’, followed by ‘I fucking hate them too’), he’ll go to sleep a bit earlier. Or, if that fails, well, he had an unanswered e-mail from what? Two weeks ago?

That was what he expected.

Instead, he wasn’t even able to fulfill the first bullet point as some teacher called him and ordered to recite first three rules of using the dorms, because apparently that poor thing in front of him was a first-year who forgot to give him his parents’ confirmation that he, indeed, was going back home for weekend. Rin first froze, then blinked, then looked at the teacher with big, innocent eyes, deeply hoping he’ll get the allusion and let him go, because as someone who joined on the second year, he did not have the pleasure of having said rules thrown at his face every Thursday. Sadly, the teacher did not get it, so Rin had to explain it himself and then, finally, although looking at him as if he was the cause of all evil in the world, the teacher dismissed him. The first-year, though, did not look any happier. Rin smiled at him in a way that was meant to be encouraging.

It wasn’t, really, to be honest.

Nitori was already dragged somewhere by his classmate, a ginger with eyebrows that could kill a grown-up man (was his name Na... Nagase? Nakagawa?) so he only waved Rin goodbye, for some reasons exploding with joy as soon as he saw him. He gave a small wave as well, trying to smile, but he must have failed as Nitori giggled. The redhead looked rather confused.

Walking down the hall, he thought that maybe going to sleep first and then studying would be a better idea because for the first time in who knows how long he was genuinely sleepy. He fumbled through his bag, looking for the keys, but apparently the door guessed his plans and helpfully opened before he could react, spitting out his own personal mother.

"Oh, hi", she said joyfully and nodded, "I was waiting for you."

"Hi", he replied purely on instinct. "Wait, what? What are you doing here?"

She passed him and moved towards the end of hall, probably to buy something to drink from the machine.

"You know, I'd like to see my son once in a while", she said, giving him an impish smile, "I've been missing you. Also I've heard your chances of getting a boyfriend suddenly rose to what, ten percent? Congrats."

At first Rin didn't understand. Then it clicked and he blushed scarlet. "Wh--"

"No, jokes aside", she said, rolling her eyes, "We're moving. We need a strong male body we could watch carrying boxes. You volunteer?"

For a while, Rin was quiet. Then he shook his head and felt his lips stretch into a grin.

"I love you."

 

* * *

 

Their mother suggested going out to have some pizza, but both Kou and Rin decided it would be better and more comfortable to just order it. At home Rin didn’t even unpack his luggage, he headed straight into his room -- or rather, what used to be his room; now it was occupied by his mother, he noticed, looking at her clothes all over the floor, unmade bed and many more posters on the wall than there were before he left -- and threw himself on the bed, falling asleep immediately.

Some thirty minutes later Kou woke him up, waving a slice of pizza in front of his face -- he had to admit it was a nice way of waking up, if he could, he’d like to wake up like that every day -- and they trotted straight to the kitchen. Their mother was generous this time and two pizzas could barely fit on the kitchen table. The third one was squished in the oven.

They cut the pizzas and sat on the couch; Kou turned the tv on and there was some Korean drama airing, but no one paid attention. At first they talked about the pizza itself; the cheese was delicious and thick, the pizza was crunchy but soft inside -- but then Rin did everything to make Kou and his mother talk, trying his best not to have to answer any questions. They must have understood, and for that Rin was very thankful. Mom told them both that she finally got promoted to a higher position (applause and Kou asking if that meant pizza everyday; mom flicked her nose and then kissed it) and she was thinking about helping her fiancee move in to the flat (‘But that would mean you’d have to sleep in the music room’ ‘Mom, I don’t want it otherwise’). Kou confessed that she got a girlfriend and they’re planning on starting a band, ‘which only leaves you… well, you already have a goal, so be a good boy and get a boyfriend to accompany you’, to which Rin only made an offended sound and stuffed himself with pizza as a sign of protest. Mom only looked at him, amused.

“I can share some pick-up lines, you know”, she said, dipping her piece of pizza in a small bowl of garlic sauce.

“I don’t want your cheesy pick-up lines, mom”, he groaned, leaning back from her.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he has his own”, Kou shrugged, “you know, after reading so much romance comics.”

Rin shrugged as well, wonderfully red on his face. They didn’t seem to understand how much he didn’t care about their lowly teasing, so he shrugged again.

“You don’t even know how much joy you’re bringing me”, mom said, patting his back. He scoffed and turned his head away, only to see Kou smiling widely -- way too widely -- at him. He realised, quite painfully, that he ran out of sides to turn his head to, so he stood up and stomped out of the kitchen, finishing his pizza angrily.

“You -- are -- horrible”, he announced, which only resulted in another fit of laughter.

The weekend was rather calm; no one called him (he checked) and only Nitori sent a photo of his new puppy dachshund, noting that it’s so small it would easily fit into his schoolbag. Twice. Or thrice, if he tried. Rin wasn’t sure if Nitori meant the puppy or himself here.

On Saturday Kou went out with her girlfriend and, what Rin realised, emerging from the music room to the toilet and finding a stranger in cute undies in front of his door, apparently invited her over. They talked a bit and Rin found out that her name is Chigusa, she is Kou's classmate and she thinks he's hot, even from the gayest lesbian ever's point of view. "You must have everyone sending you CVs to suck you off, huh", she said. Kou started laughing.

They teased him, Kou explaining that uh, actually nope, he's in the process of getting the courage to think about asking him out, and after laughing at him for having a dumb crush for four stupid years they played around with guitars a bit ('Chigusa can tune a guitar by ear!') and let him go.

The music room wasn't even a true music room; they just called it like that out of an habit. The flat was bought for half a price from some friend of mom who was a singer, and in order to practice without interrupting the neighbours, they made the room soundproof. Mom used to have a band in her university years and she never actually stopped playing -- even when she was the busiest with work, she never even thought about selling her instruments -- so now Rin  could sleep next to two electric guitars, one akogi and a drum set.

To maintain his training, he went out running every morning and later, in the afternoon, used the nearest pool. On Saturday he met a classmate there; he wasn't on the team, but it was nice to talk with him once in a while. On Sunday he moved with his training to the beach. There were some people, even though it was quite early; he even noticed two girls, seemingly not even university students. Probably they weren't really sure what should they do, swim or sunbathe, so they just splashed around a bit. He prayed that they wouldn't want to hit on him and then wondered if such thoughts made him an egoist.

Then he remembered that his mother said something about moving.

He asked Kou about it as soon as she came back with groceries and Chigusa. She looked at him, unsure, and he felt a pang of guilt; how much of a dick he had to be for his own sister to be afraid of speaking with him?, and explained that

"Actually, we are moving... in some way, I mean", she stopped to have a bite of her chocolate croissant, "Mom had finally found some people who'd like to rent the house for they don't know how long, so we have to clean up a bit. I have to take some of my clothes and school stuff, such things", she finished. For a while she said nothing, chewing calmly, then she swallowed and added: "Ah, and mom wants you to stay for a week. Here. If it's okay for you, and your grades."

He was quiet for a moment, even though he already knew what was his answer.

“Yeah”, he said. And then realised it might have sounded not exactly like what he wanted to say. “I mean. That’s… c-- okay for me. Aaand my grades. I think.”

And they talked some more; she told him that those people who rented the house were a married couple, rather elderly, in fact, who wanted to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary for a bit longer than just a day (Chigusa muttered something about Tokuda Shigeo-san. Kou hit her with a spoon); then again, Rin was pretty needed, not only for social reasons but also because mom was purely busy and if she was to take care of the move only with Kou, it would take them a month. It wasn’t only about moving things from here to here because they simply couldn’t fit everything in the flat; they’ve decided that they’d move only the most important and useful things, leaving the rest at the house in boxes or wardrobes so they wouldn’t be troublesome for the new tenants.

So on Sunday, he made a quick trip to Samezuka to pick up the rest of his books and some clothes, he also explained the residing students that he’d be absent for the following week for personal reasons (‘What the fuck, Matsuoka’) and left just as quickly as he appeared. For a while he thought about leaving a nice message on the desk (‘Thanks for support, we’ll practice next week I promise, caramel popcorn is waiting for you in the microwave, love, sharkboy’) but he decided it would be a bit too much and ended up only leaving the popcorn there. He trusted in Ai’s deduction skills.

In the evening, he managed to have some quality family bonding time with mom and Kou, alternatively: he asked mom to teach him that damn A chord and then Kou barged in to show her glorious shredding skills which resulted in him listening to two the most important women of his life covering metal songs on an electric (good) and acoustic (um) guitar. He ended up without the ability to play that chord, but hey, at least he could shred. Tanaka from 2B had an ukulele, so perhaps…

 

* * *

 

It was weird, waking up to run, running, coming home after running and realising you can go to sleep. Rin didn’t really want to, though, so he picked up Kou’s deliciously powder pink guitar and tried to at least try to cover PONPONPON. He might as well try to dance fandango -- that coffee guitar dude was a god -- so he made himself a cup of tea and went to sleep.

(Without drinking it, because it’s a godly rule that if you make yourself tea or any hot liquid and leave the kitchen to wait while doing something else, you’ll always forget about it, always)

He woke up around 1pm -- or at least that’s what he assumed, having set a 12-hour clock display instead of 24 one -- and felt a bit weird without sun warming his face. Music room had no windows.

He got out of the room, leaving the futon and covers sprawled on the floor messily. Plush carrot he used as a pillow lied there, slightly squashed in the middle where he rested his head. The carrot was orange, had green striped trousers and a cute smile. It was also old as fuck, he probably got it before Australia or something, he remembered with nostalgia. And, he remembered with fear, he should really wash it.

So he took the poor thing and threw it into the washing machine along with the clothes he found in the basket and sat in front of it for a while, observing. When they were young, Kou and Rin, they often sat like that and looked at the washing machine working, focus clear on their faces. Now Rin guessed it was somewhat calming. Sometimes mom would open the bathroom door and look at them with affection. "You know, some people would watch tv", she would say. They always only nodded and continued, so she either brought them something to eat or joined them. Rin figured it would be really dumb now, to want something like that to happen again. It was a part of childhood that started and ended there, like learning to read; he couldn't just do it again. But, he thought, the emotions he felt back then were nice and he'd like to feel them again.

He felt like he was staying over at a friend's house. Even though the flat had a smell that reminded him of Kou, he felt strange. As if she let him stay here, as his sister, but it wasn't his home.

Was it his home?

He mused over it a little, lazily staring at the colourful circle of clothes spinning in the washing machine, and then decided that question was a Difficult one and thus should be put away, at least for now. He should relax. Calm down. Whatever. Just as his mother wanted. He should... stop worrying about things.

He dressed up, put his hair in a sad attempt at pineapple hair and borrowed a cardigan from his mother. She always liked them too big, so it wasn't too tight on him; besides, he used her strawberry shower gel, feeling both guilty and completely justified. That is, it was mom.

He opened the fridge. Even the small fridge he shared with Nitori (and thus, had to bear with mysterious packages wrapped in tin foil with pieces of paper on them that said Do Not touch!!) felt more familiar than this one. He shook his head and started looking for something edible and at least partially edible that wasn't orange juice. In the end, he decided on orange juice and some toast with jam.

And only when he was washing the dishes from yesterday, he heard a doorbell.

(Which was typical; phone or a doorbell always rang when you had your hands wet, dirty or full of foam)

He froze for a second, then remembered he wasn't ten anymore and the 'mom doesn't want me to talk to strangers' excuse wouldn't work at all, even if he tried to convince himself. He slowly put away the wet glass, dried his hands and slowly, quietly walked to the door.

Whoever it was, they weren't impatient. Or maybe he's watched too much movies where people rang the bell five or four times in a row. The thought of someone -- Someone -- standing quietly on the other side of the door, probably getting impatient, probably judging (probably stupid -- who visited others at 2pm on Monday?) made him make the decision and look into the peephole.

What he saw there, on the contrary, almost made him turn around and run away.

"Haru."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so!
> 
> First of all, thank you for reading! This isn't my first work neither for this fandom nor this ship (nor a chaptered one), but I'm pretty nervous (to be honest, as always, but) so in case there are any mistakes, or some parts of text lacking sense, please feel free to inform me. Just, um. Gently. (orz)
> 
> Additional notes: title is form Shakespeare's Sonnet 53. Coffee guitar dude is [Osamuraisan](http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIldQDElbygGNA_XGbvYr0w) and you absolutely need to check his [PONPONPON cover](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63FPuqVRv3I) out. Rin's carrot is an Ikea carrot from Torva series. Chigusa and Kou are very, horribly in lesbians with each other. This is a het-free zone.
> 
> Next time, Haru appears!! And the fic's quality is like ^^^^^^^, I assume. For me, writing about Rin's feelings was really interesting, but I guess not everyone likes to read about leaves and trips to konbini.
> 
> Thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning; slurs, quite a handful

“Haru?”

Haru.

_Haru._

Rin’s hands slid down the door to the lock and he barely managed to open it; it was Haru, indeed, existing physically and for real and for a moment he wondered if he’d heard his pathetic squeak a few seconds before. When he opened the door, for a split second Haru looked… first he looked surprised, then -- like he was looking at a moderately interesting museum exposition and Rin realised he was wearing a flimsy cute yellow cardigan and had earrings.

Small, yellow roses.

He felt his face grow hot. They stared at each other in what felt like godly focus; he was blinking rapidly, trying to get rid of the blush; Haru only looked at him, surprised or -- focused? as if he wanted to say something but had no idea what? as if the situation was quite new for him and he had close to no idea what to do? so in the end he outstretched his hands, as if he was trying to stab Rin with whatever he had in them. It looked like a lunch box wrapped in a polka dot furoshiki and only after a few seconds of staring at it -- rather dumbly -- Rin remembered it would be nice to do something with it, like, dance fandango or, for example, take it or invite Haru in, so he did both.

Haru stepped in, still looking as if he was in a museum, took his shoes off, quietly looking around the hallway -- and Rin thought about how bad must the flat look like; it was small and messy and didn’t look like a regular flat at all; other people probably didn’t have posters of female swimmers hanging in the hallway. He didn’t even know where his mother kept extra house slippers for guests, so he just stood there awkwardly, clutching the package to his chest.

“Kou has texted me”, said Haru after putting his shoes neatly next to Rin’s, “that you’re staying home for a week.” Rin nodded, still under an impression that he was looking -- and behaving and moving -- extremely awkward and silly compared to the boy next to him. “So I thought I could bring you some food”, Haru added, quieter, as if he was embarrassed. He looked down and -- it was really stupid and probably Rin’s seeing was damaged or something like that, life wasn’t a shoujo manga, sakura pools are just a fantasy, Haruka Nanase doesn’t just visit people with homemade food and blush because of that. What a stupid thought.

 _You’re an idiot_ , Rin thought to himself. _But also wow_ , he added.

“Um”, he said. It was a nice start, but it wasn’t too much, so he continued, “Thank you. I mean. Yeah. Thanks. That’s… nice of you.”

“Yeah”, said Haru. And that was it, supposedly. They’ve run out of things to say and Rin caught himself stroking the furoshiki with his fingers, like other people did with their cat’s fur. It would be nice to have a cat, he thought. A cat, a dog, whatever, anything that could just walk in and become an excuse for another conversation. Normal people had pets.

Normal people, it occurred to him, usually invited their guests further than just to the hallway.

(He was fire. He was _death_.)

Rin made a weak sound, cursing himself three times in two languages.

“Uh, perhaps, maybe, don’t you want some… juice?”, he managed to stutter; Haru only looked at him blankly. “Or rather water, haha. Because…” Haru blinked “...you always… drink water…”

_Just shut the-- oh god, just die already._

“ _Water please_ ”, Haru said in English. It sounded like _Oocha preez_. Normally Rin would laugh at someone who pronounced such easy words like that, but because it was Haru, he melted internally and had to put lots of effort in hiding his smile.

He led him to the kitchen; it was slightly bigger, brighter and featured a table, so he put the package on it, pulled out a chair for Haru and continued washing the dishes. If it wasn’t for the plates and mugs clinking and radio playing quietly on the fridge, they would be sitting there in complete silence. Rin rubbed his nose absentmindedly; he had a bit of foam on his finger, so it transported onto his nose and he had to rub it again. He must have been looking rather stupid and Haru probably noticed it; what was Haru thinking about right now? Rin promised to fetch him something to drink but he was washing the dishes now and he didn’t unpack the food, was it rude or understandable? Rin had no idea. And felt Haru’s piercing stare on himself, even though Haru was probably looking at something else, why would he look at Rin washing the dishes?

 _It it what going crazy feels like?_ , thought Rin. And then he finished washing the last spoon, so he put it away and reached to the cupboard for, at least they should be there, a glass -- or was pouring Haru water _now_ rude?

“Don’t answer if you don’t want to, but”, said Haru, “why exactly did you decide to stay home?”

 _I love you_ , thought Rin. _Oh god, shut the fuck up_ , he added.

And then it hit him. Why? How exactly was he supposed to answer to that? _You know, Haru, that’s because I’m mental_. Or: _because thinking about facing my teammates makes me want to hang myself on a shoelace, if I can joke about it. Because for some reasons my mother didn’t ask my what happened during regionals and why her supposedly amazing son has no medals._ Or why he hasn’t contacted her for almost a month. No, she just wants me to be here, like I wasn’t the biggest loser in the world. Ooooor maybe _because I don’t deserve to live with my family and yet they want me here so I’ll just do it because arguing would be even worse._

“No, it’s fine”, he said instead, “It’s just… how to put it...?”

He said it as if phrasing was the biggest problem.

“It’s just, there’s an old married couple who wants to rent the house, some sort of holidays or what, so mom and Kou are moving here. And we need to tidy up the house a bit, and that’s what I’m needed for.” He shrugged. “Also, mom said she’s missed me. So she probably wants to, I don’t know. Hang out or something.”

“That’s rather obvious”, Haru said, circling the rim of the glass with his fingers. The glass was tall and his fingers were long and pretty. Rin realised that Haru doesn’t really have to do anything to look beautiful; he was naturally like that. He wasn’t sure if that was something he should admire or be jealous of. Well, maybe a bit. That constant feeling of being clumsy and ugly was pathetic, but he’d like to be purely beautiful from time to time.

 _Well, that sounded like something Ryugazaki would say_ , Rin thought and untied the furoshiki carefully. The lunch box was actually two lunch boxes, one on top of another, both very pretty and elegant and Rin felt like hiding under the table because Haru could get three medals if ‘staring at you so hard you physically feel it but pretending they’re not staring at all’ was an Olympic sport. Rin removed the lid and saw heaven. Or, perhaps, perfectly made chirashizushi with takuan, avocado and black sesame, but for Rin it looked like heaven. Second layer featured baked salmon, steamed broccoli and some yakisoba with -- sweet lord of the rings -- pieces of mackerel instead of meat.

Haru looked like he was actively trying to make his eyes leave the sockets and maybe Rin would have noticed it and laughed if he wasn't so busy gazing at the food with an unsure face.

"That's...", he started and Haru looked at him like a bird of prey looks at the squirrel it wants to hunt, "I really... you didn't have to, that--”

Haru shook his head. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s not even a lot, I thought you’ve already eaten.” Rin didn’t know what to say to that. ‘I just woke up’ didn’t sound really cool. “You don’t have to eat it, though.”

“Hey!”, said Rin indignantly, “It’s, it’s fine. Besides I just woke up!” He made an enthusiastic face. “What a nice breakfast!”

Haru smiled softly; Rin pulled his phone out of the breast pocket and took a photo of the dishes. He spent quite a lot of time on it; quite a lot of time for two lunch boxes -- but he had to make sure every photo showed enough and was appropriately pretty. When he was leaning over the table in order to get a good light, Haru asked if it was for instagram. It was, Rin said and they exchanged usernames; or rather, Haru game him his. Rin wasn’t sure if he should give him his username because really -- his account wasn’t anything special. It seemed more like a photoblog of Bridget Jones, with those photos of food, weekly photos of his torso along with some measurements and occasional animals or views. “You don’t have to”, said Haru and Rin almost sighed with relief, but “I already have it, you just liked my latest photo.” And before Rin could unlike it, Haru already followed him. He groaned and looked hopelessly at Haru who slowly browsed through his profile, sometimes making sounds (that didn’t really mean anything) or even comments (‘Nice cap’, he said. Rin blushed, even though the cap was the one who received the compliment, not him).

But then Rin finally put his phone down and got to the eating part. That was when he realised something.

It was a scene. Picture from a book, or a comic. TV series. Movie. Anything. But it was a picture.

When he put a bit of chirashizushi in his mouth, felt its taste and the texture of each ingredient, he understood -- it has happened before. It was like listening to someone speaking and repeating their words in your head at the same time as they were talking; you realise you know exactly what they say but only when they say it. He swallowed -- earlier then, he also swallowed -- and said ‘It’s good!’ -- earlier then, he also said ‘It’s good!’ -- and Haru smiled -- earlier then, Haru also smiled -- and

That must have been what getting to the next level in a game felt like for the characters. You do something, and bam, all the surroundings change and you go on with your life as if everything was okay. This, or end of a chapter in a book. ‘Rin started eating.’ or something like that. It wasn’t a good sentence to finish a chapter; Rin was pretty sure it was a pretty bad sentence -- lacking the thing that would make it meaningful or at least not so hollow -- but that was how he felt. He couldn’t really grasp it himself, not to mention describe, but this situation, this exact moment was, somehow, complete. It was now, but it was also a memory; he felt it inside like someone who wears the Ring sees the world around them.

_Holy shit, I’m mental._

“Rin?”, said Haru somewhere in another universe. “Are you okay?”

Rin was staring blankly at the lunch box, chopsticks still near his mouth.

_Yes. Mental and pathetic. Wow, Matsuoka. You really know how to ruin the moment._

He made a stupid face and laughed.

Nah Haru I’m completely fine i just have those weird things from time to time I think it’s called deja vu or some shit I’ve had it like ten times in last two years or maybe a hundred or hundred thousand I don’t know I don’t remember I don’t remember what I was doing last month don’t expect me to know how many times I’ve experienced this shit you probably wouldn’t take it so lightly maybe you’d try to remember them but to be honest I suck at it too I know that I’ve had a deja vu before but I can’t remember what it was about but yeah I’ve had it a lot you know when a situation feels kinda familiar for you and you realise you had it before but you have no idea when and how maybe it was in a dream maybe not and maybe you wouldn’t try to remember them because you don’t think about such dumb things would you even have even one deja vu in your life I don’t think so you’re not me you’re normal you’re you’re you’re so you’re so you

“Nah, it’s fine”, he said.

 

* * *

 

Rin was pretty.

He normally was.

But this time he was pretty in a different way.

His hair were tied on top of his head; his face exposed and paler than usually with tired eyes and pale lips (has he just woken up? was Haru bothering him?); his clothes were different, made his body look lighter and softer as if he was a part of a drawing. ‘A boy with rose earrings’, pencil with watercolours on _paper_ paper, 14.8 x 21cm.

Haruka breathed in the atmosphere of the house; it smelled of something that felt like a faint smell of Kou and something else and could be summed up by a golden bust of Michael Jackson (it had a flowery cap on its head, so he assumed Kou had found a better use to it than just exposition) standing on the drawer in the hallway, between a small mirror and a box of band-aids. Once Rin took the box Haru remembered how sweaty his palms were and wiped them off on his trousers absentmindedly. The flat was small and seemed to have just the right amount of things; only sometimes ‘right’ would turn into ‘a bit too much, but okay’. The drawer with the little mirror on it stood next to a wall. A wall that featured a wall mirror.

(It was covered by post-it notes, but he felt that for some reason reading them would be not exactly right at the moment.)

He tried to look around the flat without looking like a lost tourist. He was obviously aware that this flat wasn’t Rin’s per se; that’s what Kou told him in a text, but he couldn’t help the need to absorb everything that could be about Rin. Rin who wasn’t a memory. Rin who wasn’t a sad ghost walking through the walls, leaving wet trails on the floor. Rin who was physically here, alive and with him; Rin whose hands were warm, whose heart was beating, whose skin was being kept warm with the clothes he was wearing. Rin who wasn’t an abstract concept but a physical being. Rin who left fingerprints on things he touched.

Rin.

The boy turned to, it seemed, finish washing the dishes, leaving the unopened package on the table. ‘A boy and a package’, pencil and

Was it rude?

Other people, like Makoto or Rei, would know. Nagisa wouldn’t probably care. But was it okay to make an unannounced visit? Was it what Kou wanted to achieve, texting him the day before at eight p.m.? Was it okay to bring food? What was the meaning of bringing food, exactly? ‘Here, have this, a food’? ‘I’m bringing this because that’s what others do and apparently it’s a nice thing to do’? ‘Here, have some food because you look like you don’t eat a lot’? ‘Here, have some because you look like someone who can’t cook’? What did chirashizushi and steamed salmon mean? Was it too few? Too much? ‘You don’t care about your health, so here’? ‘I don’t really care about presents, so here, have those leftovers from yesterday’s dinner’?

(Those weren’t leftovers from yesterday’s dinner. Haruka has made it today, just after waking up, taking a shower and eating his own breakfast.)

Would Rin be oriented in such kind of things? It seemed he was oriented in the sphere of social cues and feelings. Haruka wasn’t sure why it seemed like that to him, it just did. It also seemed that while he had some amount of knowledge in that area, he wasn’t really skilled in managing his own.

 _Can you be possessed by someone who’s alive?_ , thought Haruka and politely kicked Rei out of his vocabulary.

Haruka decided he didn’t really understand what was going in Rin’s head, not exactly.

Apparently the food was okay; Rin was staring at it like it was some sort of a gift from gods. Or, at least, was glowing. (It wasn’t.)

Rin has said earlier he's leave some if it for Kou and mom -- but he only remembered about it halfway through yakisoba and he froze for a moment, chopsticks in mouth. "Damn", he said and Haruka found it cute, for some reason; maybe it was because of something in his voice, maybe it was because of the way he scrunched his eyebrows. "I can make more", he said and Rin showered him with No no you don't have to you already did this you really don't have to.

"What do you have in the fridge?", he asked, probably as a way of keeping the conversation alive, although to be honest, he was kind of curious. Rin raised his eyebrows and shrugged, then reverse nodded in a way that could only mean 'Go ahead'. So Haruka did.

The inside of the fridge was perfect.

Most fridges were either filled or on their way to starvation -- this one was just right. It was enough for Haruka to look at the shelves for a while to know what could he prepare with it; this and that would make cutlets, that and that--

“What?”

He looked at Rin; he cocked his head and rested it on his hand, looking at Haruka curiously.

“I’m thinking about what can you make out of the things you have in the fridge.”

Rin made a small impressed sound. “You can do that?”, he said. It sounded more like a statement than a question. “I’m more technical about it. I mean, I can only do something if I have a recipe, so it’s more like getting things to make something than making something from the things you have.”

Haruka nodded. “I’m the opposite. I can make something up but I’m no good at recipes.”

Rin smiled. It was an interesting smile; only the right half of his lips curved, the left one almost didn’t change. “I guess you could say you only cook free.”

Haruka hummed. It seemed right (and probably was a joke). “But it’s not always cool. Once I was making meringues but ended up with sweet scrambled eggs. It wasn’t really good”, he said, but the last sentence was lost in the sound of Rin’s laughter. It was soft and pleasant to hear and Haruka realised he actually missed it; when Rin was laughing, his nose wrinkled in a way that made Haruka feel like that one day month ago when he was sitting on the stairs with Makoto and petting cats. It was warm and sunny and even he raised his head to catch some sun.

Sun.

 _Rin had freckles_ , he realised. Rin’s skin was much darker than when they were twelve years old but he still could see tiny darker spots on it. It was like someone shook a brush over a finished painting; Haruka faintly remembered he used to do it when working with watercolours. A boy with his face like caramel and freckles like chocolate.

He’ll have to remember his face. Remember how sweet and calm it looked in the warm light of the day, remember every angle and curve of it and then transport it on paper. He absentmindedly made a gesture as if he was swiping a brush across the paper; a smooth, almost unnoticeable movement of his wrist.

What would it be like

to

do the same, except with his finger, and

not on the paper but Rin's nose?

**_????_**

The thought was so weird that he scrunched his eyebrows. _Pet Rin's nose?_ Why and who would think about something like that? Rin would react just the same, _what the hell, Haru?_ And he might think Haruka wants something more. That perhaps he's one of those legendary urban legend gays who molest everyone they see. No, such thinking was completely uncalled for.

But _nose_.

He realised he'd been stroking the top of his palm the same way only when Rin raised his head and remembered about his earlier decision to share the food.

Rin would say, _What the hell, Haru?_ and turn his head, and blush. Rin was pretty when he blushed; red on his cheeks only added life to his face and Haruka was more than happy to see him coming to life after all this time. How should he paint a blush on his face? Base colour + a tiny bit more red, and...?

By the time he was still deep in thought over what Rin probably thought was the insides of his fridge, Rin has managed to finish his lunch (he was polite enough to make a face as if he felt guilty), wash the boxes and sit down again. He rested his head on his hand ike earlier and eyed Haruka curiously.

“What, did you find anything interesting here?”

Haruka frantically searched through the fridge; it was a relatively normal fridge. There wasn’t anything that couldn’t be found in a family fridge. There were fruits, already prepared food in separate see-through boxes, two cartons of orange juice, some salmon (why). There were also cosmetics in the fridge door, but Haruka doubted it was something surprising for anyone who wasn’t a teenage boy living alone with his small almost empty fridge.

“Not really”, he said after a while. If he turned his head to Rin a second too late, he would have missed the way he smiled -- and it was something he definitely wouldn’t want to miss; it was half-mischievous, half-amused and Rin did that thing with his (anatomically speaking, impossible; artistically speaking, dreamy) eyebrows that made Haruka want to tell him to _calm down, immediately_. Even though Rin wasn't shouting or something.

Rin made a beeline to the fridge and, without touching Haruka -- and that was weird, because Haruka really felt his warmth -- pulled out one of the glass drawers.

“That’s because you didn’t even look.”

O.

The drawer had, yes, some fruits, but only in the front. Then it had beer. Like six cans, carefully covered with packages of smoked salmon.

Haruka was silent. “O” and “Aha” were everything he could say, but it wasn’t necessary or innovative, so he was silent.

“Emergency pack, as mom calls it”, Rin explained, backing off from him, “But actually, whether there is an emergency or there isn’t, you take it and have a ball. Would be classier with champagne instead of lime beer, but”

And here he shrugged, still smiling. It was a softer smile, more like a shadow than a real one; like he forgot to stop smiling and some of it left his face, but some decided to linger. It was warm.

Rin moved a small strand of loose hair behind his ear.

“Want some?”

 

* * *

 

_Sure, dude._

thought Rin Matsuoka,

_sure. A dude comes to visit you with homemade food and you thank him with cheap salmon and even cheaper lime beer. Tasteless. Rude. Almost offensive. No, for sure offensive, he made effort and you offer him something you already had in the fridge for gods know how long--_

Haru took a single glance at him. It was a short, open glance, as if he was making sure of something.

“Sure”, he said. “Why not.”

Rin Matsuoka had an interesting quality about him.

When it came to putting himself down, he could think at terrifying speed, it seemed; one would have try hard to outthink him in over-analyzing the easiest situations. Like this, one could say Rin was a fast thinker. And then someone said the most usual thing and Rin’s mind went ping! and turned off; we’re sorry, maintenance issues, will try to fix in 3… 2… 1…

Haru wants to drink with me.

It didn't seem like Haru. At all. Maybe Rin's image of Haru was a bit too perfect, but he didn't seem like someone who would drink beer, even when most of said beer was lemonade. Rin thought he would rather sit and look at others fooling around with a cup of tea or some beverage that's less than 75% sugar. Although Ryugazaki mentioned that his diet was either mackerel or pineapple (thus, not beautiful); it seemed a bit like over-exaggerating, otherwise Haru must have had taste buds of iron.

He shook off the stupor and acted; after a while they sat at the table, drinking beer and eating slices of salmon; Rin poured some lemon juice onto them and added some oregano; but only a little and excluding Haru’s ‘it’s actually good’, they ate in silence. It wasn’t that type of silence that happens during dinner in dysfunctional families shown in movies or when a couple had an argument; it was a silence between two people who currently had nothing to tell to each other as they were busy eating smoked salmon and drinking lime beer.

And then Haru opened his mouth and made a noise.

Said noise was only a preludium to another set of sounds that turned out to be a question.

“Do you want to drop by our pool after school?”

Rin needed some time to properly understand and process that question, which lead him to a loose thought _is it what losing mind feels like?_

And then, _do I?_ Almost instantly followed by _no I don’t_. As long as he was fine with exercising, as long as Haru and others made him smile again, at that exact moment he felt numb and powerless as soon as he thought of swimming. _It seems someone’s going to spend all their allowance in the local gym._

He bit his lip unconsciously, wondering what to tell Haru and how to phrase it so it wouldn’t sound plain weird and ungrateful, but Haru moved to another question.

“How do you plan to manage to keep in shape?”

That, on the contrary, was a question he could easily answer, so he shrugged.

“During the weekend I went to a nearby gym, so I guess I’ll also go all this week.”

It didn’t sound like something you believe is hundred percent right, but at least Haru didn’t show it, instead he asked another question. It seemed like a very boring interview.

“Can I go with you?”

Okay, that was a bit unexpected.

Haru has shown him -- unless it was all a dream or illusion or whatever -- that he could be passionate, hell, that he was physically capable of shouting, but still he didn’t seem like someone particularly interested in working out, especially outside water. He didn’t seem like someone interested in anything besides swimming and drawing at all, whether it was for someone’s sake or not. Although Rin decided to doubt it was for him; rather, Haru was just curious.

“Unless you don’t want to”, Haru said when Rin’s silence was one second too long, “That’s okay.”

Rin swallowed his salmon quickly, not even paying attention to the taste, which, normally, would be a blasphemy.

“No, I...”, he started and then halted, wondering how to put what was on his mind without seeming desperate, “It’s fine for me. Just… do you have clothes?”

This time it was Haru’s turn to look like a surprised koi carp and Rin had to restrain himself from smiling; Haru’s eyes looked pretty when wide open and his lips made a tiny ‘o’. He almost wanted to flick his nose.

“You got me drunk”, said Haru, turning his head as if he was offended, “It’s no wonder I do things without thinking.”

“This ‘beer’ has actually less that 50% of beer from which the amount of alcohol in it equates 1,5%”, Rin giggled but then became serious again, “Well, I can lend you some. If you want.”

“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked.”

Rin rolled his eyes. “Okay, I was just making sure. Except, you know, some of them might be… quite too big for you.”

Haru made a face that could mean anything. Literally anything, from ‘Oh, shut up’ to ‘Well, it’s nothing surprising’ to ‘I honestly can’t believe fish fingers are 10 yen more expensive than last week’. He made a face, scoffed and took a big gulp of beer.

Rin couldn’t help but smile.

 

* * *

 

Now, Haru wasn’t entirely sure what was Rin trying to do.

Hell, he wasn’t even sure what he _himself_ was trying to do, but somehow it stopped being so important when Rin just -- smiled.

It wasn’t like Haru didn’t notice him doing it either or like this one was special in some way or another; it was a normal, natural smile. Which one, really? Second, third that day? And Haru felt that thing in his chest before, when Rin smiled; that pleasant small warmth in his chest, indicating that things were alright. And things would be alright both internally and externally if he kept silent.

“I like it when you smile.”

He did not keep silent.

 

* * *

 

There was this thing: life in Australia sucked. Badly. If Rin could compare Australia’s sucking to normal physical blowjob fellatio giving head sucking, he’d say it was a sad lightning fast blowjob in straight porn that makes other guys hard but he only wonders how and why because it’s so boring and mechanic. In out in out in out ad infinitum, what’s interesting in that?

Except there were some nice moments as well. Like when they sat on the bench outside with Johnny and Liu and talked shit about those two dumb buff Americans; or when he suddenly got hot and that bossy blonde idiot acted as if he had no idea where to look first; or when Josh Andrew had a coke bottle explode in his face.

Haru looked a bit like Josh Andrew; for a while his face was calm, as if saying ‘I like it when you smile’ was something he did on daily basis; then Rin saw something alike to realisation in his eyes and then Haruka Nanase, aged 17, could only stare in despair at the disastrous results of his careless behaviour.

There weren’t any, to be honest. Well, maybe Rin blushed and suddenly expressed his enormous interest in his clean plate. A wonderful silence has fallen and Rin could probably hear his blinking, if he blinked loudly enough.

“That is”, Haru said in a voice of a dying squirrel, “I meant, because I don’t like when you’re…”

Rin was blushing terribly and hasn’t yet fully processed the fact that he’s got a compliment from no one else than Haru, but he found enough energy to become interested.

_When I’m…?_

“...um, in a state that--, that is, when--”

_Yes?_

“I”, said Haru, “I didn’t like you before the days of the relay.”

Is that so, Rin thought. It was funny, watching Haru try to articulate himself, but just as he said that particular sentence, Rin felt a bit uneasy. What was it supposed to mean, that he didn’t like him?

“I mean”, Haru said a bit higher, “that I. Didn’t mean it as in I didn’t like you as a human… as a person.” He made a tired face. “I meant that… back then. You weren’t happy. And that was what… what I didn’t like. That you were unhappy.”

 _The one doesn’t necessarily mean another_ , Rin wanted to say. _Also, I’m still unhappy, maybe not right now, but I know the fun’s not over yet, he wanted to add_. But it felt nice, and in some weird way he understood what Haru wanted to say. And he was extremely thankful for that.

He blinked, trying to -- blink back tears? Calm himself down? For some ungodly reason what Haru said made him a bit emotional and to be honest, the last thing he’d like was for Haru to see him crying again and now he really needed a dog a cat or other four-legged distraction that would destroy something or jump on someone’s lap, badly, and--

“Did you know Kou and Chigusa plan to start a band?”

To be honest, ‘whuf!’ would be better.

_You’re a mediocre dog, Matsuoka._

Haru, on the other way, was an outstanding koi carp. So outstanding that Rin had to react -- and so he did, because there were way too much thoughts in his head from which they all could be summed up with one, _you fucked up again didn’t you_ , and he really wanted to get rid of them, and -- you’ll fuck up anyway;

“And by that I mean”, he said, probably too loud and too shrieky for it to pass as okay and not suspicious, because why would he get so nervous, other people surely didn’t make such a fuss, “that… it’s”, he took a shaky breath, sighed and then nodded rapidly. He’d rather not know what kind of face Haru made to that, “this. But, I--”

“It wasn’t a good thing to say?”, Haru said. It didn’t sound like a question, more like something people say to convince themselves.

“No, i-- it was fine. Fine. Just...”, Rin stroked his ponytail nervously. If he could, he’d stick his hand to it or magically make it vanish, it probably looked ridiculous and made his nervousness even more visible. “Well, I-- I didn’t expect it, just that. But it wasn’t really a bad thing to say.”

Haru looked at him for a moment, then nodded. He drank a bit of his water then put it down, almost soundlessly, and moved the fork on his plate. Probably he was thinking about something, perhaps analysing their conversation, and Rin felt a pang of worry again. It sounded creepier than it was in reality, but Haru’s eyes -- despite being beautiful and captivating just like the ocean -- had a charming quality of staring right at your soul, or that’s what it felt like for Rin, and somehow he didn’t find the thought of Haru being aware of what was going on inside his head any pleasant. Because what was inside his head was a mess of fear and insecurities dipped in sweet teenage crush (although it felt like something more, but Rin wasn't the expert) and not so sweet teenage hormones -- and if Haru knew the things Rin wanted to do with him... Rin wasn't sure if even Makoto would understand it.

(On the other hand, Makoto was most probably straight in the straightest way possible. If sexuality could be expressed with geographical terms, Makoto would be on the Mount Everest of straightness; Rin was that one small shrimp living in the dark pits of Mariana Trench of homosexuality. Makoto definitely _wouldn't_ understand this.)

"So what's with that band?", Haru asked, playing with the rim of his can just as he did with the glass earlier.

 

* * *

 

Rin lent Haru some of his clothes and they left the flat, only meeting an elderly lady (Rin promised he'd drop by to help cleaning up and basically got involved in short grandma talk where she reminisced happily on how she remembered that cute kid he used to be and _oh, how handsome and well-build you are now, my dear, you must have lots of girls around you_ , to which Rin only smiled weakly) with an old, skinny dachshund (that started wagging its tail as soon as it noticed Rin, so he petted him appropriately) on the way downstairs. They bought tickets on the train station and got on the train.

"Is it okay to ride around the town like that?", Rin said, very quietly, as he looked around the train and saw no one paying attention but felt dozens of eyes observing him at the same time, "I mean, we're not wearing uniforms and it's too early for school to finish."

"I don't know", Haru said after a while, "That one time I went out when I was absent, it was to a konbini, so I don't think that counts." He was silent for a bit, then added, "If anything happened, we could just run."

Rin snorted and rolled his eyes. They spent the rest of the ride in silence.

The gym was almost empty, most probably because of how early it was; the bored middle-aged man at the desk in the hall quietly took the entrance fee, not even looking at them like he acknowledged their existence. Of course it was more comfortable, thought Rin, but a bit unnatural.

They got keys to their lockers and changed; at first there’s silence -- then Rin finished changing first and looked at Haru, looking as if he could drown in his clothes. The height difference between them wasn’t big, but compared to Rin, even after training for regionals so much, Haru was tiny with his thin arms and flat stomach. “I told you”, Rin laughed quietly; it was a pity the sleeves weren’t a bit longer because seeing Haru doing that moe sleeve thing would, yes, destroy him and the world, but also would be very cute. “It was obvious”, Haru answered, “I don’t understand what’s so funny in this.”

There wasn't, really, anything funny in this; it was just very cute, just as cute as a puppy that has been stung by a bee; that type of cuteness that made people want to yell or kiss that stupid poofy mouth of it and Matsuoka Rin aged seventeen was really glad Haru was already walking out, otherwise he’d see his endlessly dumb expression of endless overwhelming tender emotions.

They did some stretching, trying not to notice a balding salaryman-looking man that looked at least grumpy on his treadmill, and soon Rin showed Haru some exercises suitable for building muscles a freestyle swimmers would want to develop (Haru gave him that kind of a look that is usually reserved for a local cockroach or some other nice pet). They trained in silence -- the salaryman running grumpier and grumpier on his treadmill didn’t really look like someone who’d appreciate MEMESHIKUTE MEMESHIKUTE MEMESHIKUTE as energetic background music -- and Rin had to admit he enjoyed it; it wasn’t a ‘proper’ teamwork, it wasn’t even teamwork at all and seeing Haru training didn’t make his heart flutter as much as seeing him swim -- because let’s face it, outside of the water Haru kind of lost some of his grace and was currently panting and sweating with a face of confused rabbit -- but the mere knowledge of his presence was somewhat satisfying. Not forever, of course, but before Rin started wondering if he should have perhaps watched Haru’s body language more, maybe he didn’t want to go at all, before that he thought it was really nice that Haru was here with him.

That was something Rin couldn’t deny -- he just simply liked being around Haru, his presence has always made him feel emotions, and now he couldn’t wipe that dumb tiny smile off his face. Maybe it wasn’t even a smile, just corners of his mouth raised slightly, but he had a feeling he was smiling, that Haru was here and basically things could stay like this. If they had to stay here forever, he mused after switching machines (he was now closer to the salaryman and for some reasons he thought of dragon hoards), well, maybe not forever but for a long time, it would be nice. If there was some food and wifi access, and if the salaryman wasn’t one of those salarymen who turn out to be murderers. They would sit here and eat and train and use wifi and probably sleep next to each other to share warmth (the salaryman, Rin thought, was big enough to take care of his warmth by himself), and talk before sleeping and it would be like sleepovers.

He’d lie next to Haru, seeing his tired face close to his own, and maybe he’d do something about that fact; unlike that one time when they were 12 and in the same position, except he was blushing and thinking about kissing all the time so he tried to cover it with vocalising his endless stream of consciousness and probably making Haru dislike him even more than he already did, which was, to be honest, quite an achievement.

They trained for quite a long time, occasionally taking breaks to drink some water and of course it was Haru who finished first, trying not to wheeze but doing it anyway, his face red as a fully grown tomato; Rin was pretty shocked because he’s never seen Haru like that, never, even in primary school during PE lessons when they had to run (and Haru used to hate running with a passion that could burn the entire gym).

“Don’t you know you can’t exercise this much if you’re not used to it on the first day?”, Rin shook his head, giving Haru his own bottle of water because he still had money left for another one for himself, and Haru looked like a plant on the verge of dying, “Honestly, you look like you’d know better. One of the boys during my first year tried to build up his abs and he did two hundred sit ups, he couldn’t move for days--”

Haru opened his mouth, looking as if he wanted to say something obvious Rin must have forgot about -- but decided not to, and just pouted over his water bottle with dignity. Rin exercised a bit more and tried not to think about the fact that -- Haru was waiting for him, or rather, no, he was resting, and they would hit the showers at the same time, and

Rin finished training and wiped sweat off his forehead with a towel, hoping he’d also get rid of his stupid thoughts; it doesn’t seem to work, because when Haru puts away his now empty bottle, Rin didn’t think about homework or that it was a good training, instead he noticed that Haru’s inner lower lip was so wet and alluring when he opened his mouth, panting, and he wondered, even though the answer was obvious, what would it be like to lick that soft and smooth flesh, cover those small rosy lips with his own -- and probably crush them, because no matter what Kou or Ai said, next to Haru, even that Haru who sucked at gym training, he felt like an elephant next to a primaballerina -- and to put his big graceless hands on Haru’s small cheeks and pull him close, so close that they might as well become one, and

He tried to push those thoughts aside, especially when Haru was talking to him, something about the training and Rin was surprised about how difficult it is for him to find sense in what Haru was talking about; usually he was the one who absorbed every word of Haru’s and stored it in his head to think about later; this time he couldn’t focus on Haru in front of him because he was busy with Haru in his head, that Haru who was sweaty not because of training but because it’s really hard not to get sweaty when you do things like this; and Rin rubbed at his eyes nervously, trying to get rid of those thoughts and this time he kind of succeeded as the only one that was left was _you’re gross and obnoxious do you sometimes think how would Haru react if he knew what you do to him in your sick fantasies?_

He tried to not think at all until they hit the showers and now he couldn’t ignore the way heavy droplets were falling on his back; and when he closed his eyes, he could easily imagine it wasn’t water but Haru’s hands caressing his body; and instead of taking a warm shower a bit longer than usual to relax his muscles, he ended up washing himself in less than three minutes under an ice-cold shower -- which was, of course, terribly clever of him and his mother would love him for this, if she _knew_ \-- and wrapping himself in the towel like a trembling burrito with a boner.

When Haru emerges from the shower cabin, his hair is still a little bit wet under his grey polka dot towel he has on his head and Rin’s cheeks grow hot for the nth time this day. Theoretically there wasn't much difference between their bodies, yet Rin felt that compared to him, Haru was relatively small and on the cuter side -- and that towel on his head didn’t really help. In fact, it made Rin remember all those cliche moments from shoujo manga where the characters kissed under a towel, except to kiss under such a small towel, Rin would also have to be small, and while he definitely wasn’t Johnny (185cm) or that dumb American (over 190), he felt the times where he could be normally called ‘little’ and ‘a boy’ became history long ago.

Haru was lucky. That he was so tiny, that is. Relatively tiny, and he could curl in a ball in some other big dude’s arms -- but then, thought Rin, there was a horribly big chance Haru was normal, as in heterosexual. He didn’t really look like one, but who was Rin to talk about it, he’s known him for less than half a year when they were twelve and if someone looked like a big gay idiot, it was him; Haru could as well be asexual while not giving a damn about it; he was a man, so it would be even easier for him to live without a wife, and if his parents (did he have parents? He’s heard something about Tokyo but it didn’t sound very we-care-about-our-child) pressured him, he’d marry a woman and have a kid, or not, and they’d divorce after two years because of personality differences.

That was possible.

So when Haru brushed his hair with Rin’s brush, put it back into Rin’s bag and said, ‘We should probably go back so you’d be at home before Kou’ -- that was the moment Rin’s consciousness chose to say

“Are you straight?”

 

* * *

 

Apparently Haru liked water so much because it gave him a feeling of being safe, in another world where no one can see or hear you and _vice versa_. At first Rin thought it was stupid, but now -- damn, dude’s got a point.

Although he doubted if standing in the shower -- first hot, then cold, then hot again because who cares, _literally who cares_ \-- would distance him from what he’s said and done.

First rule of being something other than straight: don’t let anyone even think about it.

And he just went and broke that rule, as gracefully as an elephant in full run, because why would a Normal Heterosexual ask another Normal Heterosexual about his Heterosexuality? It was obvious. Obvious, no one talked about it, unless someone was suspecting, but then you only say ‘What the fuck, dude, I’m not some fucking faggot!’ and go home. And jack off to some hot busty sluts sucking some dicks, probably.

(No, what do you mean ‘probably’, totally! For sure! Definitely!)

And that’s basically what Rin did, with some corrections.

“What?”, Haru said, raising his head, eyes widening; Rin muttered something about dots and blushed brightly like a fresh tomato when Haru pointed out his pink wristband. “Nevermind”, he said, and said it again when Haru insisted it was okay, and hurried out of the gym, hoping Haru would get the allusion and follow him, because leaving him there was out of question, but so was pulling his hand -- and he wanted to hold his hand. More than that, saying he wanted to hold Haru’s hand was an understatement, he wanted to slam him against the wall and kiss until his lips give up, he wanted Haru to embrace him tightly and kiss back, fingers caressing his cheeks and tangling in hair so they could as well melt away into jolly nothingness on the lawn in front of the gym, but he only had enough power for running away with a faint hope that Haru will go after him, even after he’s said something like this.

(One dude in Australia, there were rumours about him being gay and some boys acted as if he had a terrible infective disease.)

So he only ran away -- Haru ran after him, hair a feathery wet mess -- and limited himself to ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Nevermind’ repeated way too many times with some ‘Sorry I really gotta go thanks bye’ added in the end, but hey, at least he left him next to a bus stop.

Except a bus stop wouldn’t change anything and Rin still felt guilty and gross as if his body was undecided between puking and fainting, which wasn’t really a good combo in the shower. _And Haru could reach his house better by a train._

He tried not to think about Haru being confused, disgusted and maybe even regretting, he didn’t come for this, the old Rin was better and so on; he’s heard enough of boys voicing their disgust over that gay boy, _what if he looks at my ass while I’m not looking, what if he takes photos of it and jacks off_ , and the concept of Haru having such thoughts about him made him weak in knees.

So he sat down, and the way from here to fingering was as short as Peter McCall’s dick (‘small but ready to play’) and, what he discovered with a relief, when you have hot water pouring onto your face it’s a bit easier to imagine that your fingers in your ass aren’t yours and aren’t fingers, and the way from here to going all out was so short he had nothing to compare it to and soon he was biting on his lower lip and dying internally because Haru’s lips on his neck felt almost too real. The realness of Haru’s dick up his ass was beyond eternity.

After what felt like thirty years of so he finally emerged from the shower cabin and he didn’t even need to use towel so much, so he only dried himself a bit, put the towel on his head and left the bathroom, planning to do a beeline to the music room and fall asleep behind the closed door, perhaps forever.

“Hi”, said Kou, passing him in the corridor with a guitar on her back.

“Yo”, said Chigusa, passing him on the way to bathroom. “Oh my god, are you trying to make this into sauna?!”

He blinked, dumbfounded; it couldn’t be this late?

Kou came back, having changed guitar for a phone. “I’ve called you two times, you know?”, she said in that tone that made Rin want to go back in the shower, but Chigusa slammed the bathroom door and he was lost, “Well, nevermind, it’s not too late, I’ve ordered pizza and do you have something against Gusa helping us?” She eyed his pecs, doing her best to be subtle and, as a true Matsuoka, failing miserably. She must have realised he’s noticed because she hesitantly lowered her gaze to her phone, probably texting mom -- and Rin realised who she was.

Rin has just finished one of the longest, hottest showers of his life and yet he could feel his cheeks growing a bit warmer than usual as he smiled.

“ _Nah, it’s good_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> makes frustrated noises
> 
> I'm sorry it took so long, I hope you've forgot about this fic already because I have a feeling this chap's quality isn't really better overall. Well, I Tried, and next chapter I will Try even harder, so there's that. (But personally I think Haru's presence makes everything at least a little bit better.)
> 
> There weren't really any references to explain, were there?
> 
> Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've died at least three times before finishing this chapter, so if there are parts that make even less sense than the others -- I'm probably going to notice it tomorrow, cry and fix it, dw.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weeps tears of blood, ao3 eats up all google docs' formatting and i'm too lazy to fix it in a 11k chapter, so bear with it (please). yeah, 11k. i got creative.
> 
> warnings: slurs (less that last chapter, although i'm not entirely sure if that's a comfort), this chapter starts with a sex scene, that, although imagined, can be something not everyone wants to read. it ends with the first horizontal line, though.

Haru.

There was a Haru.

Which was, frankly speaking, a bit concerning. Normally after waking up he’d see either the guitars or the wall, or his phone. But this time he saw Haru, and it didn’t even make sense because he did not recall inviting him back home, simply because he was too embarrassed to even look at him, not to mention this, and, it seemed, inviting him to sleep next to him.

Haru didn’t seem even close to being disturbed by what happened on the other day; it was even the opposite -- as soon as he saw Rin, he smiled. And, Rin noticed, it wasn’t his normal smile, almost unnoticeable, subtle; this one was warm, almost intimate, like a smile before a kiss.

And, yes.

Haru’s lips parted; they were different from what Rin remembered -- and his memory was valid as he spent quite a lot of time he could spend renewing his friendships on relearning every part of Haru he could see; his lips were fuller, as if he ate too much salty food. Haru parted his lips in a way Rin’s never seen him do anything -- willingly sensual and looked at him with eyes that felt both familiar and strange.

“Rin”, he said, and his voice vibrated in every cell of Rin’s body, “Rin”, and he reached towards Rin’s face, caressing his cheek with his thumb, “Rin” and he leaned forward and kissed him full on the lips and suddenly Rin understood, even though it felt completely unnatural.

It was desire.

Haru, regardless of how weird it sounded and how impossible it was, that is, it was Haru, the Haru, he was too much for everything, he was an ordinary boy only in theory and he probably didn’t even need to pee -- Haru wanted him, and wanted him physically; it wasn’t what he earlier phrased as I know who I swim for, it wasn’t longing for companionship, for teamwork; no. Haru wanted to touch and feel his body, to give and gain physical pleasure, to get him off and come himself.

But it made no sense.

“Haru--”, he started, breaking the kiss, but Haru didn’t let him finish as he kissed him again, tongue slipping between his lips, wet, warm and slick, and Rin felt dizzy, and Haru’s hand traveled down his spine, and Rin felt like exploding--

“Haru, I--”, he tried again, trying to say Are you okay, Haru-- but it seemed Haru had different plans for him, leaving his lips but lifting the worn out tanktop he used as a pajama shirt and he wanted to try once again, ‘Haru’, but as Haru’s lips met his nipple, the sound he made didn’t even sound like h.

“Are you serious, Rin?”, Haru said between one flick of tongue and another, “Do I look like I was straight to you?” He closed his mouth around Rin’s nipple and sucked, twirled his tongue around it, nipped slowly, lazily while Rin was squirming and moaning from pleasure; one part of his mind was filled with haru haru yes yes haru and other similar things and the other was confusion, because Haru wouldn’t jump on him like this, what was going on, he should despise him after what happened yesterday, why nipples, why nipples, who would get to his nipples, maybe a porn actor, but not a normal person, boys didn’t have

“I love you, Rin”, breathed Haru against his lips and kissed him, this time not passionately but softly, with -- love, and Rin trembled and shakily drew a breath, feeling both this pure kiss and Haru’s hand slipping from his lower back to his groin.

“Haru”, he said, pushing him back a little, “It’s-- why--"

“I love you”, Haru whispered, nuzzling his nose and Rin froze for a moment because of how intimate, how tender this gesture was, “I’ve loved you since then”, he said and kissed his lips again. This kiss was the most delicate, that type of a kiss mother gives her child, “Since the start.”

And that was it; Haru's fingers rubbed the tip his cock teasingly (Obviously -- thought Rin -- he was good at everything -- and it was a bitter thought) and then closed around it, only to make Rin fully hard with only a few skilled tugs. Haru was kissing him, one time sweetly and with love, one time with such skills that almost made Rin come, always whispering I love you between the kisses -- and working on making Rin come with his hand, and Rin wasn't particularly helpful as he wrapped himself around Haru like a frustrated octopus and if he tried to do something as well, like caress Haru's back, then he obviously failed as Haru played him like a skilled musician plays his instrument, knowing exactly where to touch to produce specific sounds. Haru, Rin thought, would be good at guitar. Rin would be his guitar. He even looked alike, maybe his hips were less wide, but

 

* * *

 

He woke up.

It wasn’t that type of waking up he experienced every time he had a nightmare, as if something pushed him out of his own brain, crushed his chest and pushed all breath out of him and he felt like an animal trapped in a small cage in a shaking car that has been just set free, seeking anything stable and sure to help convince himself which reality is real and which one is mashed up from his memories and worst fears. No, it was like waking up on a sunny Sunday in a pleasantly cool bed, smell of breakfast filling the air around you -- and realising that you have a heavy hot and dark rock inside your body and you have no idea how to get rid of it.

Or: he woke up calmly, feeling maybe three percent more internally guilty than yesterday, and instantly realised why. His cheeks were burning hot, palms sweaty and that enormous wet stain on his briefs was obvious enough. He swallowed a sigh of relief; it was a miracle for him to sleep in a soundproof room, especially since he remembered… making sounds in that dream and wasn’t sure if those sounds were limited to the dream only. He felt tired and numb as if he really had sex with Haru back then -- and to make things worse, his lips felt exactly as swollen and wet as they did when he screamed mindlessly, coming in Haru’s hand and coming undone in his arms.

He wiped his hands on the sheets and checked the time only to groan in disbelief; at least his dream was nice in that case because when he woke up then, he felt sunlight, even though the room had no windows. The reality wasn’t so caring and Rin had to deal with waking up after a wet dream at 3 a.m.

He soundlessly sneaked out of the room with extra briefs squished into a ball in his hand, took a soundless shower, soundlessly washed his stained underwear and changed to the clean ones. That was what he’d like it to be -- in fact, he tripped in the hallway, slammed the bathroom door and carelessly forgot that sometimes the pipes had a nice habit of, to put it literally, howling.

If I have to, then oh well fuck it, he thought and whispered ‘It’s not me!’ on his way back from the bathroom, then, because, as a veteran, he was hypersensitive to embarrassment, threw previously wrung out briefs in that corner of the room that didn’t have guitars, drum set or his luggage and fell on his futon, instantly curling in the bedding.

He had to go back to sleep. It was sensible, going back to sleep.

But he couldn’t.

He went out with the girls the previous day; Chigusa was really enthusiastic about helping them and chatted cheerfully with both Kou and him (he tried to be at least half as invested in the conversation as her, effects varied) and it was almost entirely her merit that he didn’t drown in the sink. At some point he even forgot that he had something to worry about; it was probably when Chigusa found the oldest photo albums, thick and full of pictures Mom has taken -- little Rin, little Kou, little Rin with little Kou, she probably even stole one when Kou wasn’t looking, the one of four year old Kou in a flowery dress and straw hat too big for her small red head. Or maybe it was when Kou shouted ‘Oh my god, amazing! Look what I’ve found!’ and when they did, she pulled out another guitar from behind her back and played the riff for Beat It; that was when he couldn’t help it and laughed out loud, then they tried for half an hour to play Mozaik Role but got bored eventually and moved on.

The rest was fooling around, joking and trying to work nonetheless -- Chigusa once said she’d love to live in such a house and Kou replied that maybe they’ll move in in some years (‘Because my brother will probably buy a fancy huge house with a big pool, cherry trees and at least two german shepherds’, to which he shot her a look that harmed a bit) and only then Rin fully realised that he had two young lesbians in a happy relationship in front of himself. That meant that at some point, one of them probably said something like hey I like you let’s go out, but not as friends but as girlfriends, and the other one said hell yeah, or maybe just okay, and then they went out and probably held hands, and, knowing Kou, kissed when no one would see them.

And then he remembered he had another two lesbians in the flat, both more like dropping there for night than actually living there, but still; and then he was bitter, thinking how unfair it was that he was the only one with a mess instead of a normal love life -- and then he was even more bitter for ever thinking that, as if it was his mother or sister’s fault he was like this. Kou has also lost a father, Mom has been also left alone on unknown ground, nowhere to go and too proud to ask friends for help because she felt it was her duty to maintain her family; yet it was him who acted like an ungrateful brat, focused only on his needs. And then he found another guitar and they all sat down in deep silence.

It was like a minor ailment, like a mosquito bite; when you are with someone, you don’t really think about it, but as soon as they leave, it hits you twice as much; he curled into an even tighter ball and buried his face in the carrot, hoping to fall asleep, but life wasn’t a tv show and soon he realised that unless by sleep he mean eternal sleep, covering his face wasn’t going to work, really -- so he sighed and turned on his back.

Desperately wanting to come out and desperately wanting not to come out at the same time could be quite tiring.

In fact, it was a fucking bitch.

And Haru wasn’t even aware of it. And after Rin has acted like this towards him, he must have… that was something Rin didn’t even want to think about. Because if they knew, if everyone knew -- he was too familiar with the concept of someone liking people of the same gender, to the point Mom has told him not to brag about it because people wouldn’t understand, Mom told him to treat it as something special only he and few people know about, so it makes him special; and he only sighed when kids talked about those weird scary gays. But then he went to Australia. And came back. And realised even though the countries were different, young boys who did sports had the same views on that: faggots were gross. Horrible things were done to people said to be gross or just unacceptable; people have lost friends, senses, lives because of that.

Rin imagined himself dying like those poor gay characters in mediocre movies that only told people that Gays Suffer; beaten to death by some nameless thugs in the parking lot or driven to suicide. He felt cold. He wanted to be small and vulnerable, but not like this.

It didn’t have to be this, even. For example Nitori; that kid was one of maybe three people at school who didn’t hate him at that point. (One was that third year he once shared a table with during lunch and the other was his classmate, Takeda, who sent him notes yesterday and threatened that if he doesn’t come back soon, Okuda might move with his cosmic mess on his desk as well.) Maybe he was a dick towards him and acted as if he didn’t appreciate his effort at all, but it felt nice to have someone he could talk to, even if ‘talking’ meant ‘What are your damn socks doing on my desk’ or ‘By telling you to move that bass from the radiator I didn’t mean throw it under my bed’. Seeing him the opposite, silent and composed, his eyes cold -- even though Rin couldn’t imagine Nitori’s eyes being cold, the boy was like a blue-eyed puppy dachshund -- would be like. Well. It would be like losing something you’ve always perceived as sure and obvious.

And that was only Nitori; if it was, for example, Nagisa, small, cute Nagisa he used to roll eyes at -- he couldn’t imagine it as well, and that was probably the worst because no matter how kind someone was, all people had prejudices. And it wasn’t even Tokyo with its millions of people, it was a small town on the seaside and suddenly Rin wanted to lie down, even though he already was, and from what he knew, you couldn’t lie down more.

He took out his notebooks and copied the notes from Takeda, struggling to read his writing, neat and the prettiest he’s ever seen but small and pixelated on his phone screen; then he studied a bit, trying to remember as much as he could, as if his brain was a sponge ready to absorb as much water as it was possible. This way, his mind, now wide awake thanks to the shower and charming thoughts, couldn’t think about Haru. This way, suffering from love was actually useful.

He even tried to imagine what would it be like if he fell in love with a girl, but all he could imagine in that situation was hanging out with Chigusa in the mall. He didn’t even try to think about having sex with her; even kissing her felt as wrong as nothing else in the world.

He practiced the guitar a bit, trying to ignore the pain in his fingertips (how did Kou and Chigusa manage to learn the guitar like that? Their fingers were softer) but ended up putting it away. It was a pretty guitar, looking brand new and out of place.

Giving the guitar the last look of longing, he slipped back under the quilt and closed his eyes, arms instantly -- instinctively -- wrapping around himself. He wanted those arms to be someone else's. He wanted to have relationships with people; he had fucked up almost his entire life, maybe he deserved some happiness as well?, he wanted to have friends and make memories with them and act as if they were something normal. He wanted someone to caress his cheeks and kiss him, slowly and tenderly, hundreds of times until that feeling of being loved kissed taken care of sinks deep into his bones like something that has always been there. He'd stab thousands of needles in his body if it could make his wish come true -- but he also felt like lying vulnerably and waiting in his sincerity for someone to come and love him on their own.

And he'd really do a lot for that someone to be Haru.

It was sad, really, and also kind of pathetic, that he was able to love a person like that. Looking back, his past self was way more innocent and sweet about this crush, or -- wait, no. He still knew Haru probably wouldn't like him back and spent two hours crying quietly in his bed, so he was always overdramatic, but that... the young Rin fed on that feeling of happiness he had every second he shared with Haru. Current Rin drowned -- drowned -- in loneliness and confusion of his dumb heart. Everyone had his own sea, he thought.

Haru in his imagination kissed his eyelids, holding him close with his own unimaginary arms.

'I love you', he said.

"I love you", Rin replied, lips chapped.

And -- because there was no point in making it sound beautiful, after so many years -- he cried himself to sleep.

 

* * *

 

He woke up again for two reasons, besides that obvious one -- you have to wake up someday.

First of all, lying on your hand sooner or later has some rather unpleasant effects, Rin realised as he carefully touched his hand to check if it’s really entirely asleep. (It was.)

The second reason was Chigusa using him as a guitar holder. She literally placed a guitar on him and squatted, resting her head on her hands and eyeing him curiously as if he was a beetle in a jar.

“What are you doing here?”, he said -- or rather attempted to say. What he really said was “Wharfbghr” and then he choked on his own breath and had to cough.

“I love you too”, she said calmly, mercifully putting the guitar away. Rin had to admit he was kind of fond of her; she met him only a few days before and she was already this comfortable around him to wake him up like that. And it wasn’t even about waking, hell - she just walked into some strange dude’s room and casually decided to wake him up. He wouldn’t be able to do it. “Just one question and you can go back to sleep, I promise.”

“What are you doing here?”, he managed to ask, brushing hair off his face.

“I didn’t say it would be your question”, she grimaced, rolling her eyes impatiently. “Living, at least for some time.” Rin wanted to tell her it’s not really what he meant, but then -- “My parents need to cope with the newly discovered fact that they have a lesbian as a daughter.” -- then he froze. In a split second he wasn’t so sleepy anymore and the hand didn’t really matter.

“Oh my god”, he stuttered, “Did they--”

Chigusa waved her hand in front of his face a bit too energetically. “Nah.” She looked at her hand as if she found some dirt under her nails and was disgruntled because of it. “They think I’m being a brat, punishing them for something they did wrong. So I told them to fuck off.” She shrugged. “I mean, in a polite way. Like-- oh, nevermind.” She looked at him critically. “You have such a mess on your head.”

“Thanks.” He rolled his eyes and tried to fix that mess up, but after his fingers got tangled in it, he gave up. “So…? Because I suppose you didn’t come there to put a guitar on me and tell me my hair’s off?”

She made a face. It was a face of someone who has something unpleasant to say and wants to keep silent for as long as it’s possible. “Well, uh… Kou told me it’s a bad idea…”

“She was probably right”, he muttered.

“But”, she interrupted, “But… I said I have no choice. So she shrugged and was like, well, do what you want. She’s cool, isn’t she?”

Rin was slowly losing his patience.

“She is”, he said in a voice sweeter than the most expensive honey in the world, “But?”

She bit her lip and looked down, as if the thing she wanted to say was horrible in one way or another. Some part of Rin wanted her to say it already so he could decline; Chigusa looked like one of those girls who go to lots of parties and have lots of friends -- everything Rin would be if he wasn’t emotionally and mentally constipated gay idiot -- so if she wanted to, for example--

“Couldn’t you like… have something against ha----anging out with us for a bit?”, she spat out nervously and sat straight, looking content, as if talking to him was an impressive achievement.

Rin blinked. Either he was still asleep or Chigusa wasn’t making any sense.

“Uh, as in?”

He prayed he didn’t sound harsh, even though he’s only slept for three hours and had a terrible resonating feeling that that request wouldn’t be anything pleasant.

Chigusa made an impatient sound. “Hey, whatever that is, I’m not going to eat you, right?”, he said, brushing hair behind his ear again mindlessly. When he was nervous -- and recently that happened a lot -- he had to keep his hands busy, or else they’d find an occupation on their own, which usually resulted in scratching his own body and leaving vivid red marks. Maybe Chigusa wasn’t so comfortable after all.

“No, it’s just… I don’t want to bother you? As in, you seem pretty, I don’t know. Tired? Or something.” She fixed her uniform’s skirt. She had left the door slightly open and Rin could hear Kou walking around the flat, probably trying to do three things at once.

Chigusa said ‘tired’ in a voice that implied she knew. Maybe they weren’t so different, he thought. From what he knew, she was almost always talkative and in a good mood, and yet she came to him and told him she ran away from home like any other person would say ‘My parents don’t like broccoli so we don’t eat it’. He didn’t mind, really, her living here; it would be nice, once in a while, to have breakfast in the kitchen with people he felt comfortable around. With family.

“It’s fine”, he said, voice softer, and raised his head. She even looked a tiny bit like him, nose long and freckled, except she was a lot paler. Usually in moments like this, at least in movies, main heroine and main hero looked into each other’s eyes for a gratuitously long time and, in ninety-nine percent of movies, fell in love. He, however, did not fall in love -- and could probably say this about Chigusa as well. She was quite pretty, yes, but that, he realised when he saw her for the first time -- what’s funny, in her underwear, also quite nice. Aside from that, she was a great guitarist, could make more puns in an hour than the amount of laps he could swim in that time and, apparently, was the best girlfriend Kou could dream of (he shot his sister a mean look when she said that), so, to sum up, she’d make a great sister-in-law, or something. Especially something.

“Well, so anyway, there’s a nice place Kou and me wanted to go after school (tests) and I’ve been wondering if you couldn’t perhaps maybe agree to go with us”, she said on one exhale. That type of overly polite language was something she must have borrowed from Mom, he noticed and smiled.

“And why actually do you refuse to tell me where it is so much?”, he asked, amused.

She tilted her head.

“Well…”

****  


* * *

 

The pool was small and they had to ride five train stops to get there -- which would explain why Chigusa has told Rin he definitely wouldn’t bump into someone he knew there. From what Rin knew, no one from Samezuka was crazy enough to go to a pool half a town away when they had a bigger one twenty steps away from their dorm. This time they had to buy access and they spent way too much time wondering how to set it all up so they’d have enough time to change and dry. Actually Rin could do it all in less than five minutes (he didn’t really care about drying his hair properly), but the girls had long hair and different swimsuits, besides Kou used to catch a cold all the time when she was a child, so even though she’s grown up a bit, that might have still been a thing.

He changed and showered first, so he swam some lazy laps backstroke to kill the time. The pool was small and rather unknown, they wandered around for five minutes until Kou noticed a blue banner hiding behind trees. The area around the pool was mostly grass, trees, a small playground that looked painfully unused and some free space. The inside was nothing impressing, just one six-laned pool and a jacuzzi for four people squeezed in the corner, all that watched by a middle-aged lifeguard who looked as if he could fall asleep any time, but Rin supposed it was enough for Chigusa to perfect her swimming and for Kou to learn it.

Rin would think his sister had different things to do after a tiring exam as a mean of relaxation than go to a pool and learn to swim -- but he wasn’t his sister, and she knew better what she wanted to do, plus, as opposed to the most typical thing a boy would say girls do, shopping, swimming was relatively cheaper. Chigusa had explained that she used to be one of those kids who went crazy every time someone mentioned water, pool or the seaside; originally she didn’t live here, she moved from a small town near Kyoto and hasn’t been at the seaside until her seventh birthday and even though she had swimming lessons at school, she was rather bad at it and lost her enthusiasm; after the regionals, as she said, apparently her passion was reborn -- although Rin would phrase it a bit differently. ‘I thought it looked cool so I wanted to try again, kinda’ would be fine.

Finally they emerged from the changing rooms -- Chigusa was still fighting her cap and she must have been swearing a lot, judging from Kou rolling her eyes. Chigusa was also the one with proper swimsuit, a honeydew one-piece and the cutest goggles Rin had ever seen while Kou had a bright pink bikini and his old goggles. Some little boy got out of the pool, made a face at Kou and ran away to the changing rooms, followed by his father, which made Kou cover herself with her towel and Rin want to murder everyone within a ten miles radius. Chigusa snorted, muttered something that sounded like ‘swimming noodle up his dumb bony ass’ (which warmed Rin’s heart to no end) and stripped them both of their towels and threw them on a chair.

Chigusa gripped the ladder and jumped in.

(Apparently forgetting that this part of the pool was 180 centimetres deep.)

‘Splash’, thought Rin.

She emerged almost instantly and grabbed the closest thing, that is -- wrapped herself over Rin.

“I forgot”, she said quietly, as if nothing has happened, and calmly transported on the ladder. Kou, it seemed, didn’t even need a ladder; she laughed so much that it looked like she could melt into the pool at any moment. Rin wasn’t even surprised.

“Okay, now”, he sighed; Kou made a move as if she wanted to get in, but he waved his hand, telling her to get into the shallow part of the pool,, “if you could swim a bit without damaging yourself, other people or the pool so I could take care of Kou, I’d be extremely thankful.”

Chigusa rolled her eyes behind the goggles and swam away in a rough but relatively proper front crawl. He did the same and overtook her in no time. Instead of taking a breath, she grinned mockingly and flipped him the bird. Kou couldn’t have chosen better, he thought and stood up. Kou jumped in the pool, just like Chigusa did before; the other girl shook her head, muttering something about world’s injustice, and swam away, this time backstroke. Rin turned away to Kou who bounced lazily, observing Chigusa.

“Okay, so… you’re not scared of water, are you?” She shook her head impatiently. “Cool, try, uh, floating?”

She sighed. “Well, I can do that”, she curled up and floated, then emerged, “But don’t you dare tell Rei-kun about this”. She repeated the motion, except this time she outstretched her limbs and started sinking. As opposed to Ryugazaki, she didn’t look that miserable, but the effect was basically the same. “So I was thinking about swimming on the back. I’m not aiming for Olympics, just want to build up some stamina or something, so I could swim a bit at school. Sitting and taking notes is cool, but…” She shrugged.

“No problem”, she shrugged as well, except more enthusiastically, and she flipped on her back. It was more or less a successful float, though the lower part of her body was under the water, so he gently placed a hand on her lower back and pushed her up, doing the same with his other hand and her legs.

“I’m floating”, she hissed triumphantly through her clenched teeth then grinned. Rin overcame the growing urge to throw her in the air (it wasn’t his fault she was so lovable) and only smiled.

“See, it’s not so hard”, he said, letting her go; “You could do it on your own, if you wanted. You did the research, yeah?”

She wiggled and stood up. “Well, yeah, but I just wanted to make sure I’m doing everything right. When I talked about today with my classmate, she said backstroke is just waving your hands around, plus, you know, I could have asked Tachibana-senpai for help, but I didn’t want to trouble him, and myself, well, I know what--”

“Darling”, he interrupted slowly, a grin spreading on his face, “Sweetheart. Baby. I didn’t ask for any explanation.” Kou turned into a pillar of salt. “What. The. Hell?”

She sealed her lips and blinked. “No idea what are you talking about. So, I do it like this?” She went back to her previous position and made some arm movements, which, indeed, looked a bit like waving around.

“Wait up”, he said, wiping water from his face after catching up to her, “There’s a difference. At first your palms go like this, then you exit the water like that. And so on.”

“Yeah”, she groaned, “But it’s about that thing underwater. You don’t do a whole circle with your arm, right?” Rin nodded. “You do that weird thingy. I can do it with my right hand but it doesn’t work with my left one, so I focus on that and lose that swishy thing you’re supposed to do with your shoulders.”

Rin hummed and swam maybe three metres.

“Dunno”, he shrugged, “I don’t think it was ever difficult for me… Do you really--”

“That’s a weird thing, you know”, Chigusa interrupted, “for someone like you.” Rin blinked behind his goggles. “I’d think you’d have to pay special attention to your arm work to push such a non-hydrodynamic ass forward, to be honest.”

Her screams woke up the lifeguard.

****  


* * *

 

“You’re an abomination”, Chigusa said, drying her hair with a huge red towel. She still couldn’t get rid of that gross smell of amber shampoo Rin has poured on her and fled before the lifeguard noticed he paid a small visit to ladies’ changing rooms

Rin blowed her a half-assed kiss.

“And why the hell does it reek so much? It says amber, not burnt eggs!”

He shrugged with an innocent smile. “When you don’t pay attention like mom two weeks ago, yes. But then you squint… and it’s there!”, he chirped, waving the bottle in front of her, and said in changed, deep voice, “Bio-sulphur.”

Chigusa made a sound as if she wasn’t sure if she should puke now or wait a bit, then fell on Kou’s arm. Kou lovingly showered her with her strawberry perfume, ignoring passerbys giving them weird looks. “That’s why I didn’t wash my hair”, Rin muttered mournfully, though with a small dose of satisfaction.

“ _Eau de chlorine_ ”, Chigusa sighed. “Nanase-senpai will fall on his knees. Literally.”

Rin halted -- and it wasn’t a typical anime character halt, all dramatic and cool-looking; he just, maybe after a second or two, stopped walking and it looked like he had no power to continue.

“What?, he said, although it might have been just a weak intake of breath.

“Nothing”, Chigusa rolled her eyes, “I’m just saying. He likes water, he likes you, double knee-softening mix, so on.”

Kou opened her mouth, then pressed her lips in a thin line and sighed. Rin furrowed his eyebrows.

“He doesn’t like me”, he spat out bitterly, “Don’t joke like that. It’s not funny.”

Kou was a bit confused, to be honest.

Chigusa told her months ago that she’d felt the same way -- denying, denying, denying not only her feelings but also others’, not to convince herself she’s not gay because that was something she knew way earlier, but to minimise any eventual attachment; ‘And then’, she said once, ‘I dreamed about kissing and touching you all the time and it was the worst, because I kept on thinking about it all the time despite telling myself it would be impossible in reality’. And now she was teasing Rin about it, even though she was fully aware of possible results of it; which probably meant she wanted to achieve something, but--

“Oh, come on”, Chigusa said, “denial is cute, but let’s be real, he pretty much does, from what I heard it’s pretty obvious, so if you want to do something about it…” She paused.

“No!”, Rin gasped, cheeks visibly reddened, “No, I don’t want to-- to do anything about it, what do you even mean I don’t want to talk about it---”

“But if you--"

“Just give me a break, okay?!”

Great.

Great, thought Rin Matsuoka.

Some child passing by asked their mother, ‘Mom, why are they shouting?’ and she answered, ‘I don’t know, dear. Watch your steps.’ He himself felt like he was on the verge of tears, which was pretty pathetic by itself even without that part where he started shouting on the street for no reason. He felt pale and weak on the outside but hot and boiling on the inside and it made him want to rip himself to shreds, or explode, or both at the same time; and it was all because of that stupid Chigusa. His feelings towards Haru were something different than her and Kou’s happy relationship where they both knew they were gay and into each other; Haru was different from him, Haru was not only not gay, he was also better and dreaming of being with him was like a beetle dreaming about going out with a butterfly.

(Rin wasn’t sure why beetle and butterfly and why going out, since bugs not really grasp the concept of relationships, but it wasn’t the most important now.)

He just couldn’t. He risked enough, mindlessly asking that question; it wouldn’t be anything surprising for him if the distance between Haru and him, recently lessened, started to grow again. Haru had no knowledge of this, but Rin’s dreams of him were dirty enough for him to know better than trying to advance their relationship. Haru has extended his hand to him, both metaphorically and not; and while he didn’t seem particularly against him throwing his arms around him, it didn’t mean it would be okay for Rin to demand that embrace to mean something more. He was stupid and emotional, now he should calm down and try to be a friend Haru wouldn’t mind having around himself.

He swallowed.

“I just-- I just don’t want to talk about it”, he said quietly, instantly regretting it because the chances that Chigusa didn’t hear it (and thus -- he’d have to say it again, and he was fairly sure it wasn’t something he was able to do) were really high. “Right?”

He didn’t look at Chigusa; his eyes only wandered in the general direction of where she maybe stood, so he didn’t see her face. The child and their mother were already gone.

She hummed. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right, sorry.” He finally looked up; she looked as close to guilty as she could get. “Let’s grab something to eat and come back, I haven’t done the homework yet.”

Kou groaned. “That’s why I told you to do it with me when I stayed after classes!”

Chigusa giggled and replied something, they both laughed and Rin also found himself smiling; they continued walking. And Rin thought that maybe it will be possible. The street now was relatively quiet -- maybe people were too tired to make noise or too busy eating and chatting, who knows -- shops and restaurants nicely illuminated by warm light of sun and Rin thought that maybe he’ll be able to get rid of those feelings. He’d suffer a bit, of course, but eventually he’d give up. He wondered for a second what it would be like, not loving Haru -- or maybe it wasn’t love, but obsession?

(“What’s the time, by the way?”

“Quarter to eight, why?”

“Nah.”)

Feelings, just like gender, the most complicated and personal things -- were thought to be the most obvious and easy. You’re a man, go find yourself a wife, make a kid and go to work. You’re a woman, find yourself a husband, give birth to his child and bring it up. There were thousands of books and articles about picking up, flirting and dating a person of so-called opposite gender, but when you are (more or less or more or less or) a boy desperately in love with another boy, the internet, media and the world basically tells you to either go to a doctor or the church. Or to hell. Or both, if you’re particularly unlucky.

What would it be like?, thought Rin. To hold some other man in arms and not think about him?

“Fuck.”

Rin raised his head, because even though Kou wasn’t a pure soul that never dirtied their heavenly mouth with a bad word, she rarely used this particular one, so there had to be a particular reason.

Kou looked as if something she feared for a long time finally happened, Chigusa just groaned, “I thought because it’s so late…!”

“What?”, he asked -- because now he had to -- and they jumped, “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing”, said Kou.

“Run”, said Chigusa. Rin always had a feeling she was a bit melodramatic.

“But why--”

Something started to happen in his head -- an idea; they saw something he did not, what was it?

“Listen, I have no idea what you did yesterday”, Kou said, iron sparkle in her eyes, “but seriously, run.”

He saw.

And ran.

 

* * *

 

“Oh my god, I’m going to kill myself.

Or something like that. Was what Chigusa must have said.

It didn’t feel inviting, to be honest. And Rin walked away, but maybe at least Kou will want to talk with him. Or explain something. Maybe because she and Chigusa were together, he could explain what happened and perhaps ask what was the meaning behind it? He tried asking Kou during practice -- ‘Is Rin okay?’, where Kou looked mildly surprised -- but quoting Rin when Nagisa and the others were around didn’t seem like a good idea.

“Good afternoon”, he said.

“Good afternoon”, they replied. Kou gave a weak smile, Chigusa made a face that looked like the one of a disgruntled zombie.

And that’s when he ran out of invention.

He stood there, serious, determined and a tiny bit lost. Maybe this was why Chigusa sounded that way? Maybe they were secretly angry at him for what he did? Or rather, what he didn’t do? Maybe they didn’t want to talk with him? Few days earlier he thought he finally got Rin back, that he understood what he’d felt -- and then this happened. He felt like a character from a tv series Makoto’s mom liked to watch when she was bored. And it wasn’t even because Rin said something wrong, per se; Haruka didn’t find sexuality and all that stuff intimidating or dirty, or shameful, or wrong in any way; he was just a bit surprised.

And, to be honest, he’d have to think a bit before answering that question. Was he straight? He had no idea. Obviously, some girls were more pretty, some were just pretty and some were average, but there were also pretty boys and ugly boys, just like that. He didn’t want to date any of them -- but maybe that was because dating, at least as media (‘Yumiko! Yumiko, should I wear blue dress or a pink one? Yusuke said he hated pink, but the blue is making my veins more visible!’) and Makoto said (‘Oh god, I got her such flowers but then she had to carry them all the time, but women like flowers, but then we were supposed to go to the cinema and she looked uncomfortable, I’m so stupid, Haru, help!’), dates were complicated and difficult, while from what Haruka has read himself, they were just like hanging out. Apparently. As long as hanging out was supposed to be doing whatever you like with your friends. (‘Haru, maybe we’ll go to the cinema? Oh, you don’t want to?’ ‘I haven’t said anything yet.’)

“He went that way, I suppose”, said Chigusa the goddess after what felt like ten seconds of the most unnecessary silence ever with a face that said ‘Oh, those teenagers nowadays!’.

“Is that so”, Haruka said, because he had no idea what should he say instead of this. It seemed it was enough, though, because Chigusa only nodded and stepped back, even though she didn’t have to. And Rei said Rin was unnecessarily dramatic.

Right, Rin.

He nodded and headed in that direction. Not fast; he wasn’t running or planning to. If Rin didn’t want to talk with him, it was okay. But he also wanted to try. Because usually he didn’t do things that required too much effort, even if he wanted them at first, because effort was… tiring. Four years ago, he probably wouldn’t go after Rin. Now he did.

But now Rin was someone he wanted to go after. He didn’t want him to feel confused or hurt -- on the other way, he wasn’t really a fan of the concept of going after Rin and explaining to him that, you know, I don’t really know, to be honest.

Maybe that was this? This whole liking someone thing. It didn’t feel like one, though; people always made such a big deal out of it, all this ‘I love them!’ and so on, those arguments over someone, all this drama, while for him it was… quieter. Once he realised he actually did care for Rin -- that he wasn’t only an irritating kid that made him swim in the relay -- it all just sank in. Rin was a part of a group of people he cared about. But then he also cared for Makoto and Nagisa and Rei.

It was confusing.

(So confusing that he almost stepped on a child. He even started feeling guilty, but then the child said ‘Watch where you’re going, you fart!’ and any guilt disappeared. He wouldn’t call anyone a fart.)

He walked relatively slowly, to have time to check if there’s a Rin in restaurants or other shops, but fast enough to actually walk; Rin was easy to spot because of his hair (Haru wondered if he had any foreigners in his family).

But he wanted Rin’s company; he also wanted to swim with Makoto and the others, and it was fun hanging out with them, but with Rin it was different, he thought. He wanted to see him smile, not in a ‘Rin smiling would be good’ way, but in a way he wanted to take a bath after coming back from school. It was something he couldn’t fight with.

The lack of Rin was growing wider and wider, like a map, starting from a known place and gaining volume; and then it ended, stopped, a piece of paper the map was drawn on had its measurements and couldn’t hold anything outside it.

It was a small café with its menu written on a blackboard, that kind of a café you’d go to with a friend on a nice summer afternoon. Now it was early evening, and while a few hours earlier this place would look light and fresh, now it gained depth and warmer shadows. It was a nice place to draw and to draw in, Haruka thought.

Rin sat deep inside, leaning over a small table, probably eating something. Haru couldn’t see clearly, but it seemed he had a cup of something next to him. He wore the same shirt as yesterday (it was wet on his shoulders and there was a sport bag next to his, has he gone swimming with Kou and Chigusa?), except today he must have forgotten to tuck the tag in. A girl next door raised her head from her laptop and looked at him; there was a faint shadow of smile on her lips and she got back to work. Right?, he wanted to say. That’s what he does to people.

He quietly entered the café. One of the baristas welcomed him; he only nodded and mouthed the same. Rin reached for his bag on the floor and Haruka froze, for a moment thinking that maybe Kou sent him a warning, but Rin checked his phone calmly, replied and put his phone away on the table, next to his cup. He was waiting for a reply, Haruka thought and remembered about his own phone, lying forgotten in the house. He’s left it here to let it charge, but judging by the time that has passed since that, it could have charged itself five times.

He sighed quietly. It would be nice to text with Rin, but he didn’t even have his number.

It would be a nice song, actually.

It would be nice to text you, but I don’t have your number

It would be nice to hang out with you, but I don’t know where to take you

It would be nice to talk to you, but I don’t want to hurt you and I’m kind of afraid I’ll scare you by saying ‘hello’ in a café with five people and three baristas, so I’m just staring from the distance

What are you eating?

On another thought, it wouldn’t be a nice song at all.

One of the baristas shot him a worried look -- he couldn’t judge, he walked in and stood there for no reason -- so he made a decision and very slowly, very quietly started walking towards Rin’s table.

Meanwhile, it seemed Rin has gotten his reply; the screen of his phone lightened up and he picked it up to read it. Haruka stopped and had a faint impression he was smiling for a second, but then just like that, it vanished; Rin leaned towards the bag.

There he was, Outstanding Spy Nanase.

He sat down on the sofa in front of Rin; just on the verge, not to be noticed. Rin, zipping his bag, reached for the fork (it was just an apple pie. Haruka was a bit disappointed) and

“Hi”, Haruka said.

Tactical mistake.

Quite a bad one, as Rin almost stabbed himself with the fork. Haruka felt a bit awkward. It definitely wasn’t his goal.

Rin blushed, then paled, then blushed again.

“I… no”, he said and tactfully stuffed himself with the cake. I yes, Haruka wanted to say at first, but he didn’t do it as he figured it might have been a bit rude. Rin didn’t like to be made fun of.

Haruka felt he was quickly losing control of the situation; Rin almost inhaled the cake, at some point he even put away the fork and stuffed the rest into his mouth, then took care of the tea, even though Haruka could see steam rising from the cup slowly.

“Um”, he started again. Rin almost choke with the tea and decidedly left the café.

Now that was a comedy. A parody of one. A parody of high school comedy where everyone were dramatic and avoided life responsibilities.

One of the baristas raised their head and even opened their mouth, but Haruka wasn’t in the mood for explaining why he visited their café only to gallop out, so he ignored them.

Rin had that quality about him that was both nice and terrible: he was fast. Berk.

Haruka desperately hoped he’d eventually slow down; he assumed a boy chasing a girl wouldn’t surprise anyone, if the girl was laughing; if she wasn’t, people would stop the chasing guy, but if both of them were boys, they’d assume the chased one was a thief and thus, would be interested in stopping him. Haruka wasn’t interested in anyone else stopping Rin but him.

Haruka left the restaurant street, passed an elderly lady without trampling her -- and found himself lost; to be specific, he found Rin lost and was lost because of that. It was a small way people used mostly for taking slow walks, there were benches painted white and hedge growing in almost-squares, leaving maybe three metres square in the middle, and Rin either hid behind one like he was six or evaporated. Haruka wasn’t sure which one was worse. Confusion.

A little girl -- she was maybe seven, nine at most -- with long curly hair tied in two pigtails jumped off the bench and approached him.

“You for that boy with red hair?”, she asked in a bored voice. Haruka thought she’d only need a chewing gum in her mouth and she’d be the perfect Bored Child #1 he used to see in movies when he felt like it. He nodded. “If I remember well he’s there.” She pointed to a bush like five metres away. “And if you’re not going to beat him up, ask him where he bought that bracelet. It’s cool.”

Haruka nodded mindlessly. He had a feeling that even if Rin wanted to talk with him, he wouldn’t really make this conversation about a bracelet, even if it was the coolest bracelet ever.

Whoever designed that place must have thought about couples; the benches, more than along the way, were hidden behind the hedge, so if anyone wanted, they could have a private conversation like at those separated tables in some restaurants.

Rin was, indeed, sitting on a bench, but just one look at him made Haruka stop and rethink his life choices, more or less. Rin was terribly tense, like a cornered animal, squeezing the bag’s strap so hard his knuckles were almost white; looking ahead, he seemed as if he saw a ghost.

I think I fucked up, thought Haruka and he was right, at least partially.

Because --was it that? He was so focused on finding Rin that he forgot why he ran away in the first place. And why he did it -- it was a repeat of what happened days earlier.

He sat on the verge of the bench, again. Conversation. It was supposed to be a conversation, not a tank attack.

“Rin”, he said quietly. He had a feeling that little girl wasn’t that altruistic and was probably hiding somewhere, waiting for a heated argument or something. Especially something.

Rin moved further away from him.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Just like in those tv series!

“Neither do I”, said Haruka, “if you don’t. Want to, I mean.”

“Then why are you here?”, Rin barked without missing a beat. Haruka didn’t feel offended; first of all, he rarely did, plus Rin really didn’t feel like someone who threatens others that ‘If you don’t shut up I’ll beat you up’. No offense, really, but Rin seemed more like a child…, no, like an animal -- maybe a ferret, aunt Toshiko had a ferret -- that bites a child that holds it too tight.

“I… assume there has been a misunderstanding”, Haruka announced and waited.

Rin made an ‘is that so’ sound. It made Haruka a bit disturbed. It wasn’t an ‘is that so’ sound made by an uninterested person. It was that one a child makes when their parents mention they’ve talked to a teacher during dinner. ‘Oh, is that so?’ and sweating.

“Mhm”, he confirmed and told himself, ah, who cares.

And moved a bit closer. Not a metre closer, maybe two centimetres closer. Rin mercifully didn’t react. At all, which made Haruka wonder if his hands weren’t by any chance a bit sore.

The silence was getting longer and longer and Haruka was beginning to experience some sort of a stagnation. He was both impatient and nervous, because sitting on that bench and doing nothing was pointless and lead to nowhere, and kind of content, because his experience told him that this situation, just like all the problematic situations in his life, would be resolved. It made no sense, like he was a child telling themself, If I hide under my blanket, the thunderstorm will end.

In this case, it could only begin.

“You”, he started and took a breath, “you look good.”

****  


* * *

 

There was silence. In that silence, Rin felt horrible, guilty; he wanted to run away and never see Haru again, and at the same time -- to change the past and, for example, instead of asking that dumb question that, without doubt, screamed GAY!!!, maybe ask for his number or something. Or make a stupid joke, like, haha, Haru, now you won’t be so enthusiastic to jump in the pool?

But then there was that moment where Haru opened his mouth and words started coming out of them, and then Rin wanted to dig himself a grave under than damn bench

Because it made no sense. Why would Haru say that? Was he stupid? Was it a form of revenge, a rude joke after what Rin had said? Was it some sort of a code? Maybe he just wanted to say something to break the silence but had no idea what to say? But in that case, why didn’t he just say ‘Nice weather’ or, if he had to focus on Rin, ‘Nice shirt’?

(The weather was nothing special and Rin’s shirt was wet and desperately screaming for a wash.)

“What?”, he asked weakly. He felt weak. Of course, he could as well yell it and he had a perfect reason for it, because really, what happened to Haru who told him his shirt looks horrible next to his trousers in primary school? And now it was even worse, was that dumb Haru blind?!, he was gross and sweaty and reeking of chlorine, even Haru couldn’t like water so much to find such a tragedy ‘good-looking’!

(Would he?)

“I mean”, Haru licked his lips quickly, blinking, “that, in this light… because the light is very nice and good for painting and I thought--”

“Goodbye”, he said and even got up, but then, just like in his dreams, he was stopped.

Most of his dreams featured Haru pulling him in for a passionate kiss and exclaiming his unending love, but that was a minor detail and should be therefore ignored.

“Wait”, Haru said. “Don’t-- I mean. Don’t. I mean wait.”

Oh, that explained everything.

Haru made a gesture for him to sit down, so he did, hesitantly.

“If… if you by any chance think I’m mad because yesterday then I’m not.”

Rin blinked, trying to grasp all that verbs and nouns into a sentence that would make sense and failing gloriously. “What?”

Haru took a deep breath. “I-- you, I’m not mad, because you ran away, and that’s…”, he swallowed, looking determined -- and to be honest, Rin felt just and determined as Haru looked, determined to understand, because the more Haru talked, the less he understood. “I don’t know, just… don’t run away, for starters?”

Rin’s lungs changed their density

“As in”, Haru continued, “I hate to analyse things, but. You… left, and left in a way that looked like… like you left because of what you’ve said before, as if it was something bad, or, dunno, embarrassing, and I just, I’ve never thought about it--”

and exploded.

“I told you I don’t want to talk about it!”, he hissed, and hissed in a way that was miserable, “I’m sorry, I am dumb, I don’t know what I’m talking about…!”

“Are you listening to me?!”, Haru said in a louder voice and something in Rin quivered, and flinched, perhaps; just like then, a few days ago, why are you shouting why are you shouting, “Are you listening to me?”, repeated Haru a lot quieter, so quiet that it was almost a whisper and if something could confuse Rin more, that was it; did Haru notice?

“I’m here exactly because of that reason”, he said, and something in his voice made Rin raise his head -- and he instantly regretted it. His eyes maybe weren’t those sparkling galaxies of blue that made his insides melt, but they were calm, and determined. And Rin blushed like a dumbass. “You maybe thought it was stupid, but it isn’t. It’s fine.”

Kiss him, you blockhead, said a voice in his head; he blushed even more, like an even bigger dumbass. Haru was here, being a glorious person, a prince, for some reasons, willing to ignore all the stupid things he’s done -- and he was having gross fantasies--

and apparently Haru could read minds as he furrowed his eyebrows, scanned the surroundings a bit (Rin still stared at him like a rabbit in awe) and finally shot one bush a vicious glare.

“And”, he said, voice even quieter, “you know. I started thinking.” Now it was the quietest whisper and Rin did everything he could not to lean in closer, because Haru’s whisper, the way his lips barely opened-- “I’ve never really thought about it, I’ve never liked anyone, so I didn’t know how to answer, and-- quiet!” Rin closed his mouth “...and now I’ve started thinking, and I still don’t know, so, I don’t know, if you’re not straight and were hoping for some prejudice and insults, sorry, not in this village.”

At some point Haru must have gotten tired of whispering and started muttering, and at that point Rin’s face burned even more and he felt that thing in his hands; normally different parts of human body sends signals to human brain, like ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘I want to pee’. Now it was ‘I want to put my hands on Haru’s face and kiss him on the lips and I want him to lie on me and I could as well die on that bench, if it’s possible’.

“Uh-huh”, he said after a while, nodding and praying to all gods ever discovered for that stupid feeling to vanish, “Cool.”

“Cool”, said Haru and did something that looked like an attempt to look in Rin’s eyes. Rin was a skilled warrior, but that was a surprise attack and he almost squinted to avoid his eyes.

Wait.

“Cool?”, he repeated stupidly like he was a character from western sitcom. Haru raised his eyebrows. (He even raised his eyebrows in a way that made him want to choke himself with an apple.) “You… you’re okay with that?”

“With what?”, Haru asked and Rin r e a l i s e d.

****  


* * *

 

“With what?”, he asked. He’s already said he didn’t mind, so--

Rin.

He’s seen lots of movies when he was younger, when his parents lived with him, and there were lots of war movies where people died, died, died a lot, from bullets, diseases, losing limbs and swords. Rin looked just like he was stabbed from behind, interestingly; his eyes looked like two surprised white-red marbles.

“Rin?”

For a moment Rin opened and closed his mouth, as if he wanted to say something but as if he was fighting for air, eyes lost, and Haruka’s first and useless instinct was to grab his shoulders. “Rin? Rin, it’s fine--”

His words, although meant to be comforting, had completely opposite effect; Rin’s hands rose to his mouth, what do you do with a choking person, what the fuck do you do with a choking person

He put his hands on the sides of Rin’s face, (what what what) and it was probably a sheer dumb luck because he gasped, just from that, and backed off.

“Rin? Are you alright?”, he shouted in a whisper, hands still midair; Rin mouthed something that looked like ‘oh my god’ and hid his face in hands, breathing deeply.

Oh my god, Haruka thought, I really fucked up.

For some reason he wanted to embrace him, just like mothers embraced their children (because fathers were too busy and were limited to ‘Hi, how’s math?’), but he figured it might be too much, especially now; instead, he put one his hand on Rin’s shoulder and the other, softly, so softly that it almost wasn’t a touch, on the top of his head.

“Rin”, he said, “It’s fine, really, just breathe” -- and that was stupid, because that was what Rin was doing he was breathing, so he just added, just to be sure, “Rin.”

And he petted his hair, slowly, like he did with those cats that liked to visit him in the evening. Rin’s hair were a bit wet, but just as soft. The act of petting his hair gave him a realisation; his hand and Rin’s body were separate creatures. Usually when he was playing with cats he focused on their fur -- that one had soft fur, that one’s was a bit dirty -- but now, he definitely felt a difference between his hand and Rin. As if his hair left a trace on the inside of his palm, invisible and non washable.

Soon Rin straightened up, his face and hands looking small and vulnerable; Haruka tried to cover his hands with his own, but even though the height difference between them was minimal, Rin had visibly bigger hands, so he didn’t really succeed.

“I’m s--”

“It’s fine”, he said, rubbing circles with his thumb on the top on Rin’s palm unconsciously.

“No, but”, Rin said in a tone that sounded like he desperately wanted to crawl into the nearest hole, “I cry so much--”

Haruka raised his head a bit and yes, there were wet traces on Rin’s cheeks he didn’t even notice. ‘And who cares?’ was the first thought he wanted to verbalise, but then -- it might have been a bit cruel and missing the point.

“I think you have good reasons”, he said finally.

Rin looked at him, wide-eyed; and Haruka felt his surprised breath on his neck. Rin’s face was close and he noticed how his eyes looked lighter in colour in warm rays of the setting sun, and how his eyelashes weren’t black but actually brown, and that his freckles were actually really, really charming.

“Ah”, he said, fighting the feeling of loosing all control over everything ever, “I almost forgot. Where did you buy that bracelet?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for getting through that monster! wwww
> 
> as usual, if there's something i failed to depict correctly, please inform me! one thing i failed is also paying attention to the references i put there (consciously or not), so if you spot any, you might (after a proper comment, mind you d(> w 6)) also inform me! so i could confirm if it's indeed intended or... well, not.
> 
> see, i take this fic seriously.
> 
> next time: no idea, i've just finished this chapter so i haven't planned it yet. but i'm afraid you can expect more teenagers thinking about gender and sexuality and, of course, rinharus hanging out. and more lesbians. there's never enough lesbians! never!!
> 
> e: ah, also. if there are any typos or you feel there SHOULD be a word but for some reasons there isn't any, inform me _even more_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello good evening, it's me again!! you missed?!
> 
> laughs awkwardly
> 
> well, it seems writing those chapters takes me a crazy lot of time, but i'm HERE, again, and this chapter is LONG, again. so....... please bear with me, enjoy the chapter, or not, and make my day via by writing a comment! (or not)

Rin had bought that bracelet years ago, he didn’t even remember where.

It was a plain leather cuff bracelet, slightly thinner than normal; the leather looked worn-out, but not in a scruffy way. It was a worn-outness of a piece of clothing someone wears often because it’s their favourite. Haruka thought it was a bit weird that a small girl in a pretty colourful dress found that bracelet cool, but then -- he found lots of things cool when he was younger and accidentally like seventy five percent of that were things his parents didn’t approve of.

“What were you even doing here so late?”, Rin asked, casually, but his voice had a surprising softness that wasn’t probably planned. Haruka liked the concept of Rin speaking softly.

He shrugged.

“Kou said she’s leaving earlier, but we decided to stay and train, and then Nagisa found a beach ball and… we played water volleyball”, he said. And, as if it was any important, he added, “Without a net.”

Rin smiled, “Figured as much, you know”, and looked away with a soft trace of smile on his lips. Haruka looked at him for a while -- not intensely, like people did in the movies, as in, Very Intense Staring that would make anyone start screaming because hey but movie characters just went on their merry way and ignored it; no, he looked at him with a stare as intense as spring breeze -- and smiled as well. He liked the concept of Rin smiling.

To be quite frank, he actually liked the concept of Rin. Just Rin, Rin, Rin Matsuoka. Rin Matsuoka from 2A, Rin Matsuoka who had the softest hair ever, Rin Matsuoka who, well, just, simply existed.

Was it this, though? Was it comparable to that famous Being In Love? It didn’t seem like it; his feelings about Rin were something natural after all, something he just lived with. He didn’t woke up one day with a big realisation, no one told him ‘Hey, it’s like you were in love!’. Neither did he feel like it was something big, it just was here. Of course four year earlier he’d gotten internally mad at everything Rin did because it made him feel things; and feeling things, especially for such stupid kids as Matsuoka, was something he didn’t need at all. But now he was okay with it; it has gradually became a part of him, just like his friendship with Makoto and Nagisa and Rei, just like the passion rousing inside him when he was about to swim in the relay. It was as logical as the fact that he needed at least one long bath a day, or that two plus two equals four. It wasn’t like his feelings about Makoto, the feelings that just were here, like something that was certain and obvious; they were here, and changed, and got him confused, but it was a fact that his feelings about Rin, t o w a r d s him were intense and somewhat unique.

It didn’t make sense and Haruka didn’t understand it well, but the mere sight of Rin’s face was something that always made him think, ‘Hey, things are about to happen. And it’s cool.’

“Well then”, he said, after a while, feeling that the silence was getting too long even for his own standards and, honestly, he wasn’t sure if he was okay with Rin knowing he’s been staring at his profile and analysing his feelings. “I’m going to go and get something to eat. We were supposed to do it together with Makoto and the others, but…”

(Three dots after ‘but’ were almost audible.)

He got up -- not slowly, not fast, in a ‘just right’ tempo -- and halted. Rin didn’t show any signs of following him -- nor did Haruka’s brain show any signs of knowing where exactly he should get something to eat either. Usually when such things happened, he just shrugged them off, pretending that was exactly the way he planned it, or that he didn’t care (in most cases he really didn’t) -- but this time it was different.

Rin stared at the general direction of-- whatever he was looking at before, then blinked and actually looked at Haruka.

“Oh--”

He reddened and fixed his hair nervously. Haru didn’t mind the hair, but why was he nervous in the first place? “Ah. Oh. Well. Um…”

Haruka wasn’t the brightest example himself, but it seemed Rin wasn’t being the most eloquent that day.

“Come on”, he said quietly. Rin made a face of a surprised koi carp and blinked (and his lips were very shapely and that was confusing, because -- they were really shapely, why would he need such lips?), and then it seemed like for some reason he brightened but wanted to instantly hide it, and in result, he made some weird things with his face, fixed his hair again and said ‘Oh’.

“Do you know any good seafood restaurants here?”, Haruka asked mercifully. Rin livened up.

“You’re asking me? You’re the one who lives here.”

“It doesn’t mean I know every single street.”

Rin made a mildly surprised face, then rolled his eyes. “So that’s how they call being a no-life now?”

He opened his mouth to protest, but then Rin smiled, and it wasn’t a shy, almost unnoticeable smile or that soft one from minutes ago; it was a genuine, comfortable smile and Haruka felt sort of content because of that, even if his supposed lack of life was the reason behind that.

Finally Rin got up and Haruka noticed how smooth his movements were; he wasn’t so stressed and tense like before and it made Haruka calm down a bit as well. Since last Friday he was trying, trying his best to read Rin, but it was like reading ‘Harry Potter’ in English -- not only it was a foreign language, it also had way too much proper nouns for his liking. He tried anyway, even though it could be compared to trying to read sixth volume with a picture dictionary for children. He took those pieces of information he had about Rin (it sounded so weird, and stiff, ‘information’, what else, ‘data’? He just wanted to know Rin) and tried to connect them together somehow. Maybe he could predict, in a way, how to treat Rin. Because -- it was something he didn’t think about until that race when they were thirteen, and even then he was too numb to analyse it -- he’s always thought of Rin as of the active part. A hurricane, tsunami, whatever, a strong force of nature that crashes into your relatively calm and composed life only to destroy everything and rebuild it in his own way. And only later he’d thought -- how ironic, how ironic and wicked was this comparison, comparing R i n to a hurricane; it was when he thought, but maybe he is the one that has been through a hurricane? -- that was when he realised. _Oh. Oh. Oh. He is._

So in the end, maybe it was Rin who was the damaged one. Not in that scary way, like he’s seen in the movies, people in white robes staring into the distance kind of damaged, but there were some things about Rin -- the way he reacted to certain things he’d said or done -- that made him wonder what was the reason behind them. He kind of wanted to peel off every layer of Rin, like he did with his grandmother’s fountain pen, and see what’s inside and how it works, but at the same time, it sounded like: commitment. Or: responsibility. Because no one said there wouldn’t be things Haruka wouldn’t like in the end, and it would be horrible, to get to know someone so deeply and then, just, from lack of better word, dump them.

He both wanted all of Rin and -- only a bit. Only that bit that smiled and made stupid puns and snorted when others would giggle, that wore weird jackets and laughed ‘You’re just jealous!’ when someone pointed that out. That would be the easiest thing. But at the same time he wanted -- deeper, more. Was that it? Was that ‘being in love’?

“Well, there’s…”

 

* * *

 

Haru looked at him, looked at him from over his cup of tea and his face felt as hot as the cup probably is. He didn’t know because he got coke for himself, probably as a way of treating himself (because he’s never believed that coke-melts-your-teeth nonsense some parents used to tell their children, his mom was cooler and took no shit, but coke wasn’t really the healthiest thing he could give to his teeth; speaking of treating, now he really was almost broke for this month), because usually he stuck to tea as well.

They’ve found this restaurant after maybe ten minutes of looking (‘You know, we were here with Nitori once but then I was too busy trying to navigate him so he wouldn’t bump into someone because man the kid’s got lungs’); it was more of a non-mackerel kind and Haru didn’t even try to hide his disappointment at the fact there weren’t many fish dishes. After looking through the menu with the most ridiculous frown Rin has ever seen, he eventually chose grilled salmon, while Rin ordered his usual, or as usual as you can get after two visits, tonkatsu.

Haru looked at him for a while, looking deep in thoughts and Rin started worrying a bit; was he angry? The mackerel thing was ridiculous but maybe they should have gone to a different restaurant? It didn’t have to be that, necessarily; maybe salmon was too salty or too whatever, but Rin couldn’t help feeling it was, in some way, his fault.

But before he even opened his mouth, Haru asked

“What is your favourite book?”

And that was when Rin’s brain went _ping!_

and also, _fuck you_

and went out.

And that was even worse than if Haru openly stated his discomfort. Well, maybe not; no, definitely not, because then Rin would just s h a t t e r into millions of pieces. But in that case at least he’d know what was going on in his head. Now -- he had no idea. Was it a joke? Was it a genuine question? (Why would Haru ask him about that? Do people ask each other about such things? Rin didn’t spend half of his life in water but he had no idea, really no idea) Or has he heard from someone about that latest grade drop in Japanese? It would make exactly zero sense, because who and why would tell him that, also, he was a bit too busy trying to depress himself into quiet death to care about analysing poems, but--

“Rin?"

He almost jumped and almost choked with his chopsticks.

“Huh?”

Haru moved back by maybe five millimetres, inhaling, and furrowed his eyebrows; Rin couldn’t figure out, even if someone has pointed a gun towards his head, if it was a ‘difficult’ kind of a frown or ‘annoying’ one, and he’d rather give away a lung than annoy Haru. Maybe even his own.

“I-Is it a bad question?”

The whole conversation made Rin stop paying attention to his food, but this one got him forget that he was even eating in the first place. He frantically searched Haru’s face for any traces of -- anything, really, but it was just his regular Haruka Nanase face and he could as well ask if it was going to rain.

“Nevermind”, Haru muttered, looking a bit… tense? and that was where something in Rin snapped like a rubber band stretched too much.

“What-- no, I--”

“Leave it.”

Haru said this, and casually got back to his salmon. He held his chipsticks surely, raising food to his mouth not too slow and not too fast and at first one could think he was calm, hey, everything’s fine, things happen. But Rin noticed -- and he was very good at noticing things, if he wanted -- that his hold on chopsticks was a bit too strong.

“I’m sorry”, he breathed out,

(realising, for the first time since they got there, that it was a restaurant and there were people, and for those people it might have been nothing, but he himself felt like he’d just ran a marathon and an emotional one. It was like: 1/ he tried to notice every gesture of Haru’s, and 2/ Haru also noticed every gesture of his, but 3/ didn’t care about it, which meant, 3a/ he noticed it if Rin was doing something wrong, 3aa/ which, by the way, happened almost all the time, 3b/ but he wasn’t openly paying attention.

In other words, if it was, say, Nitori, he’d play it out normally. Damn, boy, is it some questionnaire or what, or, Where did your sudden interest in that came from?. A joke. But with Haru it was like every gesture had a meaning, and that was probably how millions of teenagers felt around their -- sweetest baby Lord of the Rings -- crushes. It would be nice if he could switch back to his ‘casual’ mode, the one where he could make jokes, maybe some dumb puns, and in situations like this, say ‘Okay, that was damn awkward and I’m probably gonna come to my senses in a bit, but hey, my tonkatsu’s cooling down’. It would also be nice to be a normal teenage boy instead of that weapon of mass misery, but, as his mom used to say every month around 15th, you can’t have everything.

That was the closest detailed description of what he felt in that moment; the short one would sound like ‘he felt a ping! in his head and felt his cheeks go red’.)

“I was-- just surprised. I didn’t…” Haru swallowed his salmon as if the portion was at least three kilos and was made of steel.

“It’s fine”, he shrugged, staring carefully at the table, “I… don’t go out too often. In fact, almost never. So I don’t know what to say.” Rin opened his mouth to answer, but “And you seem like someone who would want to talk during the dinner. So.”

How cruel was this world.

Rin’s tonkatsu was cooling down slowly, long since forgotten, left alone, and he was experiencing a bunch of fireworks exploding in his head, chest and probably somewhere else, maybe feet.

He couldn’t help but smile -- widely, with teeth, and if he didn’t put his chopstick away he’d probably give one of his eyes an one way ticket to the moon as his hand instantly instinctively flew to his mouth, to hide that dumb smile and even dumber -- oh, Hades -- giggle. Haru put his chopsticks away as well. In his teacup.

“I-- okay, just”, he brushed his hair behind his ear once, and then again when it instantly fell back to where they were, “Me neither. I don’t know-- look, just… it’s fine if we don’t talk. You don’t have to. I like it as it is”, he finished quietly, twirling his hair on his finger -- and then halted.

Was it cheesy?

Oh god, it was.

He lowered his hand, almost tearing his hair out. That was… really cheesy. And probably pretty gay as well, by straight sports training boys’ standards. Although to be honest, by straight sports training boys’ standards, everything that wasn’t gross or dumb was gay.

One kid from Samezuka had a white phone and never wasted an occasion to remind everyone he’s not gay every time he used it in public, even though he was the least gay person Rin has ever seen. In fact, once he pretty much almost got in a fight with him because he found it extremely -- funny? Cool, amusing? -- to loudly talk about how he’d ‘slap Matsuoka’s sister’s fat ass’. Okay, he kind of did. Got in a fight with him; but that wasn’t really his fault, as in, who hit people when they move their chair from underneath them? Well, everyone in the cafeteria pretty much noticed it -- and who wouldn’t after his ass slammed hard and beautifully against the floor -- but it wasn’t a reason good enough to grab that chair and attempt to hit Rin in the head with it. The party ended with that dude’s classmate practically carried him out of the cafeteria, leaving Rin sitting confused over his bowl of miso soup and musing over curiosities of the world.

But now -- Haru was, more or less, having dinner with -- oh, come on -- friend, yes, but a friend that was also gay. Rin wondered if it didn’t bother him; most boys would probably think (or even ask) ‘So you’re gay for me?’, but, well, Haru wasn’t most boys. Maybe he did thought that but it didn’t matter for him, or did, but he decided, as a good person, not to mention it?

Or maybe he just didn’t think about it. He didn’t seem like someone who thinks about such things as romance. And if someone confessed to him, he’d probably make his neutral face and say something like, ‘I see. But I don’t feel the same way towards you. I’m sorry.’

He looked up; Haru was still busy with his salmon. He took small pieces of it and chewed a bit too long, probably because the portion was small and he wanted to enjoy it as long as he could, or something like that. He looked on his plate and, instead of ‘oh god, will give a kingdom for this’, thought ‘breaded, deep fried pork cutlets’. And that was it; end of era, end of everything. He was officially going mad. Instead of doing -- anything, really -- he overanalysed everything, every single thing when he was either around Haru or thinking about him, and now his sickness took over part of his brain responsible for tonkatsu. Nothing was safe. In two days I’ll probably start wondering if I even exist, he thought.

(Of course, there was a logical explanation behind that and Rin discovered it later that night -- he was just too worried about Haru and his feelings that he’s just lost his appetite. But that was a logical explanation, and a logical person was an antonym of Rin Matsuoka back then.)

He moved it around on his plate for a bit, like he was four, and then ate one piece. It was pleasantly warm and delicious as always, but lacked something. It’s like a curse, he thought. The tonkatsu has been tainted. Maybe I’ll have to eat it again in a state of ultimate hunger for it to regain its previous glory.

That reminded him of something.

“After dark”, he said quietly; so quietly that there was a chance Haru wouldn’t hear him. But he did and raised his head, having halted his chopsticks in midair. “I, I mean--”

“Ah”, Haru said and nodded, and that was all for a while. Then: “I heard about it. Once I even wanted to get it because it was thin, but there was a book about one hundred ways of preparing chicken.” He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something more, but he must have changed his mind and said nothing.

“There’s chicken in that book as well”, Rin remembered, and felt the need to specify, “Chicken salad, to be precise. But the toast isn’t crispy enough”, he adds pointlessly.

“It’s a book about food?”, Haru asks, cocking his head, and Rin realised that what’s happening now is called a conversation. They’re sitting, eating and talking. That’s what people do when they hang out with friends. Or on dates. Rin can’t really tell as he hadn’t an occasion to try either this or that.

“No, no”, he shook his head, rolling his chopstick between the index finger and thumb of his right hand. “But I remembered it because I’ve read it a lot, and, well… it’s my favourite book.” He giggled nervously. It was stupid, why did he say it again? Haru already knew that. Matsuoka, do yourself a favour and start thinking with your head, actually. “But maybe this author just likes to describe everything as it is. There are tuna sandwiches in this book, spinach tuna wrap in the other, besides, there was also the one with sukiyaki, and then there was this one about a dude who spent a lot of time alone in a small house somewhere in the mountains, so he cooked a lot. The author’s pretty overrated, I think, but he writes about things in a way that makes them interesting even if they’d be completely boring in real life.”

He took a breath -- not knowing yet what to do; continue? Because he already had a long lecture in head -- and felt his cheeks grow hot before he realised why. He made a weak sound and covered his mouth, throwing a panicked look in general direction of Haru.

“Sorry…”, he started, but it sounded like something pathetic and rather sad, so he mercifully shut up.

“It’s okay”, Haru said, waving his hand calmingly. It looked a bit funny because waving his hand, he was also waving with the chopsticks. “That’s actually something you can tell someone, like talk with them. There isn’t many people who have something to say after you say, ‘I thought about making something with shrimp and I spent quite a lot of time on it but then I remembered I don’t have shrimp since last week.’”

Rin laughed, suddenly feeling lighter, and even his tonkatsu seemed tastier. “Not many people think about making food before checking what they have in their fridge”, he said and Haru rolled his eyes as if it was a minor detail anyone could forget about. “Speaking of -- I just remembered something.”

 

* * *

 

The thing Rin remembered was, speaking of, the box Haruka had brought him the food in the day before. The way to his house was pleasant; they had what most of people would call a conversation, but in fact, Rin was the one who talked the most. Haruka didn’t really mind it, no, not at all. In fact, he liked it. Rin, when he had a suitable subject, was pretty talkative, almost like the Rin from four years ago. His way of talking was also familiar; he spoke with passion and Haruka could see it was something he was interested in. He liked it way more than when Rin pretended he didn’t care about the things he was talking about. He liked it when Rin talked about his interests; it was like discovering a new side of him, a side that wasn’t only about swimming. Discovering him layer by layer.

He learned that even though Rin didn’t like Literature as a school subject, he did like reading books, and his taste was something that could be easily described as indescribable. He had strong opinions, though, and some of them he shared with Haruka. For example, he had completely enough of romance plots in non-romantic works, as they, as he put it, were based solely on the fact that one character was a woman and the other, coincidentally, happened to be a man. “You don’t have to tell me that”, he said in the train as they sat next to each other, Rin playing with the strap of his bag absentmindedly, “I haven’t seen an ‘adult movie’ where the main characters wouldn’t fall in love in the most cliche and boring way possible.” He noticed a woman observing them from behind her newspaper (...like in the movies, he thought and the corner of his lips quivered) and shrugged to no one. “Just as if they were born only to star in the movie and fall in love. Who cares.” And Rin smiled in a way that said ‘Well, you might have just answered your own question’.

When they left the station, it was already dark; Rin’s neighbourhood was a quiet one, most of the blocks being occupied either by elderly people or young couples with children, so there weren’t really much people around. It seemed there was a rhythm to which Rin entered the code to open the gate and Haruka thought -- it wasn’t so bad. It was the second work day after his reunion with Rin and things were going really well; they hanged out, talked, it was what friends did. It was what he did with Makoto and the others; maybe they could go somewhere together, as a five. Or maybe seven, if Kou and Chigusa would like to join in. During the weekend Nagisa was pestering them about going bowling, because apparently he’s got a discount coupon from one of his sisters or something. It would be nice.

Rin held the door for him -- both at the gate and the entrance door to the building -- and Haruka once again realised something. Rin was, more or less, well behaved. Not terribly so, but -- it didn’t seem unnatural for him, opening the door for Haruka (even thought it was unnecessary, really) and in primary school he had enough of this in him to apologise passionately when a teacher scolded him. Of course usually soon after that he had another ridiculous idea, but that was another thing.

The staircase smelled of dust, old buildings and -- why? -- almonds, and that mix made Haruka cough -- which in consequence made Rin shoot him a worried look. He nodded, non-verbally saying he’s fine, and Rin smiled in a way that could be interpreted as ‘Good, I don’t want to carry you upstairs if you faint’.

Rin pulled out his keys to open the door, but it seemed someone decided to do it for him. Haruka expected Kou, so they could just say hello, I’m here for the lunch box, see you at school, bye -- but it wasn’t Kou.

Someone a bit shorter than Rin opened the door and pulled him into a tight hug as if it was the most normal thing to do; Rin said something that sounded more like mama than mom and Haruka wondered if he should melt internally, or go all out and melt fully and wetly on the floor. Matsuoka-san backed off and made a move as if she wanted to hug Haruka too. “Wait, you’re not my kid”, she said, mildly surprised, and then shrugged. “Ah, who cares.” And did as she wanted. The hug wasn’t as intimate as it was in Rin’s case, but it wasn’t a half-assed ‘Hello, dear child I don’t really care about’ hug used by awkward uncles or aunts on children in western movies, and, coincidentally, Lord Voldemort in the last Harry Potter movie.

Haruka felt like he was hugged by his grandma, except way younger, way more energetic and definitely way more punk-rock. The center of all the punk-rockness in her was certainly on her head, as she had her hair cut short (it was funny, because -- Haruka thought of Harry Potter) and dyed red and pink. Her face was round and small, as opposed to her nose, rather long, thin and perky, giving her a rather mischievous look. The woman was fairly slim, but even with a cardigan (was it a family thing?) on Haruka could see her defined muscles. Rin opened his mouth -- Haruka didn’t know if it was an attempt of protest or just astonishment -- but must have decided it wasn’t a life or death situation, so he just shrugged with a ‘Wow’ face.

“‘Gusa!”, she called, going to the kitchen, “take out another plate, it seems I have a new son. Also, hi, call me Uzura. Or mom, but it makes me feel old.”

That was the moment when Rin reddened like a ripe cherry, his weak ‘Mom…!’ getting lost in Kou’s ‘Oniichan! Haruka-senpai!’ and Chigusa’s ‘Oh, hi!’ in the general direction of everyone.

“Mom, you can’t”, hissed Rin, his tone half begging, half angry, “He has classes tomorrow!” It sounds a bit funny from someone who was staying home himself, thought Haruka. “And besides, no!”, Rin added, as if it was his strongest argument.

“Well, good luck with that”, she shrugged and even though she had her hair dyed pink and red, Haruka just felt the air of Matsuoka around her. “I have mackerel.”

And, Haruka could swear, she winked. For a while Rin just stared at her, then made a sound of a dying dinosaur; and it seemed no ‘Mom!’ could express his indignation, he kept on shooting angry looks at her back. Haruka sniffed; he could, indeed, smell fried mackerel. So many coincidences, he thought, peeking into the kitchen against Rin’s begging glare (‘Haru is only here for the lunch box!’) and Chigusa’s face told him that it was definitely, completely, totally not a coincidence. She was cutting up a huge cucumber sleepily (Haruka marvelled on how her fingers were still in one piece), but when she looked at him, she smiled in a way that resembled those weird creatures from that old American movie. How were they called again? Goblins…?

Rin galloped to the kitchen and looked around; it looked a bit ridiculous because the kitchen was rather small and he almost bumped on Kou, who calmly moved the vegetables on the pan. “Fridge”, she said and Rin almost tore the fridge door off. He either wants to get rid of me or is really flustered, Haruka thought, and then decided he wasn’t really sure which option was worse.

Rin made another supernatural sound -- this one was supernatural enough for his mother to take her eyes off her phone screen. “What? Pork cutlets”, she shrugged with a lazy smile and went back to her phone. Rin groaned mournfully. It seemed someone made use of empty lunch box.

“I wouldn’t actually mind staying for dinner”, he said quietly and shrugged. Matsuoka-san looked at him and smiled widely. “See, prodigal son of mine? He doesn’t mind. Why do you mind?”

Rin’s jaw dropped, just as the hand he was holding the box in, simultaneously. “I do?”, he gasped thinly. “I. I!! I don’t!” He pressed his palms to his cheeks dramatically and stormed out of the kitchen. Matsuoka-san raised her arms in a lazy gesture of triumph and looked at Haruka again. “Sweetheart, isn’t he?” And when she didn’t get a reply (Haruka was a bit dumbfounded, to be honest), she added, “Well then, do you mind taking care of the rice? I’ll wash the -- Gusa, I think you’d want to pay a bit less attention to my daughter if you’re at least a bit attached to your kidney.”

Chigusa and Kou parted, surprised, and indeed, the knife Chigusa has been cutting up the cucumber was lying dangerously close to her. She picked it up, sighing so deeply that Haruka wouldn’t be surprised if she exhaled said kidney, and continued her work. Kou fixed her hair and flipped the mackerel on the pan.

“People in love are useless”, Matsuoka-san said, shaking her head (Chigusa rolled her eyes and blew a loose strand of hair out of her eyes) and almost knocked off her mug the second her phone rang. Haruka couldn’t help but smile, kicking off his shoes and putting them next to Kou’s.

“Nina?”, she breathed, pressing the phone to her ear (Kou and Chigusa turned around). “God, are you even alive? ...murder him, okay? ...okay. Will wait. Bye!”

“Again?”, Kou muttered, moving aside as Haruka approached the rice cooker with interest.

“Of course!”, her mother shook her head, this time angrily, and took a sip of whatever was in her mug. “You’re so qualified, Haida-san, I feel guilty to ask you for such a favour, but…!”, she mimicked someone -- most probably said Nina’s boss and Haruka felt he could relate. “Of course. A favour. A tiny, tiny favour, stay two hours after work. I hope he chokes with a pencil... oh, hi, princess.”

Said princess, also known as Rin, raised his hand like a monarch greeting his people, rubbing his cheek with the other hand. He had his hair tied in a messy ponytail and he changed into a black fitting t-shirt, and--

“Idiot”, muttered Chigusa, her voice a bit shaky from trying not to laugh. Rin shot her a murderous look, and Haruka noticed something. At first he thought he was imagining it, because it wasn’t like he had any previous experience with this, but when they sat at the table, barely squeezing in (and apparently one other person was supposed to arrive soon), he was sure.

Rin was wearing mascara.

Both on his upper and lower lashes.

Haruka never spent much time admiring anyone’s eyelashes, not to mention Rin’s -- because half of the time he was focused on actively avoiding him, and that time when Rin pinned him against the fence didn’t count, he was too busy with the way his body felt so tense and hot with Rin’s hands on his wrists -- but he was fairly sure normally Rin’s eyelashes were of the same colour as his eyebrows, dark brown. But Haruka wasn’t colourblind, quite the opposite, to be honest, and he could see that what Rin had on his lashes was clearly black.

Haruka wasn’t into girls -- until he met Rin he was fairly sure he wasn’t into anyone, really, and even now he didn’t really know if his feelings about Rin could be called being into, really -- so little did he know about the effects of mascara, but, logically speaking, they couldn’t be astounding. Just making lashes seem thicker and longer and maybe optically making the eye seem bigger. Nothing big. It was just like -- it was that, after all -- putting some black paint on your lashes.

But Rin looked different, and that was the most irritating thing since ‘Romantic, right?’.

Because Haruka had no idea what -- but something got him, that that something didn’t let him take his eyes off of Rin. Yes, Rin was attractive -- really attractive, thank you very much -- even when he was crying on Haruka’s face and then on his shoulder, quite literally. But this time Haruka felt as if he’s just seen the truth, the Truth, went to heaven while being definitely alive or something like that.

It could be the fact that he had a really good aesthetical sense, and that he has been exposed to Rin’s… looks at once; for example, he must have washed his face, so it looked clearer now, and together with mascara and tied hair, it looked extra… good. But it would mean that Haruka liked Rin’s face, per se, as a face, a face of Rin, and that, really, come on, had no sense. Faces were faces, pretty or not, but liking them? As in, oh, this is That face, it makes me happy? Liking someone felt like Makoto blushing stupidly because his parents were teasing him about his crush (Makoto had like three thousands of crushes and has talked to approximately zero); Haruka himself would either tell them to stop or lock himself in his room, because that was just gross, unnecessary and humiliating. Falling in love was more or less a physical thing, so it had just as much sense as parents being ‘proud’ and teasing their children for, for example, developing breasts. Or having a boner. _Congratulations, your first boner, let’s tell the family!_ Or something.

The thought of both boner-congratulatory family dinner and his own parents asking him if he has a girlfriend made him nauseous and he found it really hard to swallow a piece of mackerel -- mackerel he had on a real, non-boner-congratulatory, completely normal dinner at Matsuokas’. (A delicious one, if he had to say.) He wasn’t really paying attention, but he felt Rin’s chopsticks slow down in midair and he frowned. Rin was paying attention, which meant Haruka was probably obvious, and that meant he was making weird faces when eating dinner at Rin’s house, which was exactly something he really didn’t want both to happen and anyone to see.

Then he raised his head a little; just in time to see Rin almost stab himself in the eye.

Chigusa wheezed and jumped off the chair; Rin made a similarly charming sound and pressing his hands to his face, he dropped his chopsticks. Kou only rolled her eyes; Matsuoka-san muttered something that sounded like ‘Charming kids’, still staring at her phone screen with a gloomy face.

Then someone rang the door, and Matsuoka-san almost dropped her phone in her bowl (and -- after that -- almost knocked the bowl off the table as she ran to open the door). It seems, Haruka thought with what professionals would describe as mild tenderness, that the only person in Matsuoka household who doesn’t cause chaos when they’re emotional is Kou.

Something hit the floor in the hallway with a loud thud, sounding suspiciously like his schoolbag did when he dropped it after coming back home; Chigusa stopped screaming and Rin stopped trying to pour coke into her bowl of rice.

“I hate this world”, Haruka heard someone groan, and he had to admit it was the noblest of groans he’s ever heard.

“Oh”, said Rin, putting away the bottle when Chigusa went to the hallway. Kou leaned back on her chair, waving enthusiastically, then quickly finished her mackerel and followed Chigusa. “Make some free space there, ‘kay?”

Haruka nodded and -- really, he tried, but it wasn’t the easiest to move the dishes for five people on one table to make space for the sixth set, not to mention it wasn’t even his house; he raised his hands, ready to move something, but ended up only wiggling his fingers like an old pianist for one second too long; Rin snickered and did it for him, nodding for Haru to prepare a sixth portion. At least that was something he didn’t need instructions to do.

Boy with a bowl, thought Haruka stupidly when Rin took a bowl from him and moved it on the table. Watercolours. Oh gods, watercolours… Normally he’d use coloured pencils or not colour it at all, using cross-hatching shading instead -- because when drawing Rin, the first thing on his head was power, something vibrant, fast and hot. Rin he once knew was full of energy and colour; he’s never tried to draw the second Rin, bleak and colourless like a drawing left on the desk in a room you forgot to close the window and it was raining afterwards; at least nothing more than a messy sketch he always erased. As if thinking someone could find his sketchbooks, look through them and say, oh, this boy, you can’t get him out of your head, right? When it wasn’t like this, when Rin just was here, no one tried to get rid of him.

This Rin was different; he wasn’t a ray of light he used to be four years later, a black-white shading; in this light, the shadows on his skin looked particularly soft and warm; and even though -- which was logical -- he had still terrible dark circles under his eyes (those that you don’t get rid of by sleeping a lot, nevertheless, Haruka wasn’t sure if Rin, even now, could sleep at all), Haruka thought, because he still wasn’t sure, that Rin was slowly getting a bit better. There was a softness in the way he looked at the others and a shadow of smile on his lips. And that was when Haruka thought, it must be because he’s around his family.

And then he thought, _I shouldn’t be here_.

Because: ‘Nina’ was probably that amazing fiancee of Matsuoka-san -- who must have gotten back home really tired, probably wanting only to get something to eat and go to sleep; Haruka himself wasn’t that much of an obstacle (or so he thought) but he didn’t belong here; he felt like that one colour the artist didn’t think through and instead of being in harmony with the others, he stood out and emphasized the mistake. This, or a unnecessary love plot in an action movie.

“Haru”, he heard and almost dropped the bowl, “You done here?”

Rin was leaning on the tabletop, as if he was ready to turn around back to the table with a ready portion, and that was the only reason Haruka woke up, finished pouring the sauce and handed everything to Rin, trying not to think about his pretty wrists and hands holding that bowl. It was amazing, how Rin could be so soft, warm and graceful and-- almost fall over a chair--

Rin set the dish on the table, moved the chair aside and did what seemed like an unsure little dance, but in reality was probably an attempt to help in the hallway, abandoned after a split second; instead he bounced on his feet (for some ungodly unknown unreasonable reasons Haruka’s vision focused on his-- lower tor-- ass) and came to embrace Nina, or, from the moment she entered the room, the most aesthetically pleasing, in the meaning of society’s widely known aesthetic, person Haruka’s ever seen.

She had long, brown wavy hair so shiny it felt unreal for such hair to exist; her face was ordinary -- in the ‘models from commercial’ sense -- and the only thing that was actually standing out in her, aside from her hair, was the makeup -- surprise, of a model. Her eyelids were vividly periwinkle in contrast to her gray shirt and black trousers.

“Hi, kid”, she said, having to stand up on her tiptoes to properly hug Rin, and when she moved back, her hair bounced gracefully; Haruka, when he heard her voice for the first time, had a faint feeling he’s heard her before. Maybe in the radio?

She halted when she noticed him and her lips made a perfect surprised ‘o’.

“Oh”, she said and Haruka thought, ‘Some programme about animals…?’, “You’re Rin’s--”

“Friend, yes”, Rin interrupted and Haruka almost groaned; it was like a pianist suddenly stopped caring and slammed their head against the keyboard. Although Rin’s voice was pleasant, it was nothing compared to this woman’s. “Ha-- haru.”

On the other hand, in terms of aesthetic, everything was nothing compared to her.

“Nice to meet you”, she said and bowed slightly, but when she straightened up, Haruka could see the same sparkle in her eyes that Matsuoka-san had -- that he didn’t really understand. “I’m Nina.” He bowed and introduced himself quietly. “And I hope you like spaghetti carbonara, because--”

“I think he does”, Chigusa giggled, “Especially with those small modifications we’ve made.”

“Modifications?”, Nina raised her impressive eyebrows. Rin looked like a Rin-shaped deflated balloon.

“Yeah”, said Kou, wrapping her arms around Chigusa’s waist and resting her head on her shoulder, “Namely: the pasta is now rice, and the cheese is now mackerel. And…”

She didn’t have to finish; Nina raised her eyebrows even higher and whistled. “Well, well”, she only said. For some reasons, Rin made a sound that resembled the one an animal would make when dying an exceptionally painful death.

Did Rin not like mackerel?

****  


* * *

 

Haru -- thank gods, deities, angels, demons and basically all supernatural beings -- was blissfully oblivious

Which surprised Rin a bit, because if Haru’s realised Rin was a big gay idiot then he should as well realise that he was a big gay idiot for him, especially when all his family and some furniture was making dumb sounds, wiggling their eyebrows and saying ‘Oh well, is that so’, as if the gayness was the most visible thing on Earth (it wasn’t. Well, not as much as they pretended it was) or as if they have visibly fucked. Each other.

He’s known Chigusa for not a long time, but good enough to know she’d tease the living fuck out of him if she noticed he was blushing brightly for no (ha!) reason over a bowl of fucking rice, so he dropped his chopstick and prayed for a miracle.

In fifth grade he also prayed for the questions on test to be easy -- and it ended with a lot of noise and begging Sousuke to help him study for the retest. It seemed his luck wasn’t better after all those years; Chigusa looked up, working her jaw with passion, and yes, for a while she was still chewing, only to swallow loudly and mouth something that looked like ‘Kinky!’. He kicked her under the table.

Then: Kou choked on her tea and a small red lamp ping!ed joyfully in his head, a second too late; Chigusa inhaled loudly and shouted ‘How dare you?!’, and because she had quite good lungs, Rin flinched, made Haru almost gouge his eye out, then: unleashed a second world war and was sent away to eat on the couch with a punishment of washing the dishes (‘IT’S NOT ME’, he groaned, exactly when Chigusa roared ‘IT’S HIS FAULT’).

There was also a brighter side of it; curled alone on the couch he could watch Haru as he liked, without Chigusa looking at him as if she was a parent catching a child red-handed on trying to reach the cupboard where the sweets were. He noticed -- a bit sadly, but maybe that was a side effect of Rin leaving some free space at the table -- that after he walked away, Haru’s started to actually take part in whatever conversation was happening at the moment. At that moment, Nina was asking Haru about something, and judging by her reaction to his answer, they must have been both some artist buddies or something. He listened to them talk about some kinds of paper being better for some kinds of art and wondered if Haru hasn’t felt that way when he talked about books on the way here. That is, of course, they talked, as in, Haru also said something from time to time, but it was mostly him and Haru must have gotten tired of him at some point. Rin had no idea why there were so many kinds of paper, what was the difference between a multiliner and a multiliner SP and why the fuck it was so obvious that Haru would stop drinking water from glasses -- and the more he didn’t understand, the worse he felt and the more he wondered if, by any chance, his pretty much one-sided lecture about the worst tropes in books didn’t have the same effect on Haru.

At least they were talking normally, while Rin? Rin was ranting like someone paid him for it, never even stopping to wonder if Haru liked when people complained so much.

Then he realised Haru would most probably -- no, for real, let’s be honest here -- would never like him, even if he was the biggest sweetheart on Earth. Then he sighed quietly and finished his meal. He set the empty bowl on his stomach and leaned back on the couch, closing his eyes. He felt sleepy and a bit numb. Hearing them talk casually, laughing, started a warm but a bit painful feeling in his chest; he wanted to talk with them as well. And he knew it was stupid, getting offended by a silly joke; it really didn’t mean anything and he could as well talk with them with his chin resting stupidly on the headrest, just like he was younger. But somehow as soon as he got on the couch, he actually felt isolated; and he always found it easier to observe than to participate.

Then, Chigusa appeared in front of his eyes, smiling brightly; her hair was a bit ruffled.

“We’ve finished”, she chirped and Rin shot her a dead look, his eyelids heavy, “so hurry up, wash the dishes and Zura-san said we’ll watch a movie!”

“I’ll destroy you”, he muttered, but got up anyway, picked up the dishes and gathered them in the sink. Haru followed him and offered he’d help him, but Rin declined. “I didn’t bring you here to make you wash the dishes.”

“But I want to help”, Haru said, like a stubborn child. “And I think I need to pay you back somehow. That is, for the dinner.”

Oh, that’ll be easy. Hold my hand, Rin thought, and then mentally slapped himself. That is exactly that kind of thoughts that drives people to madness.

“We stored pork cutlets in your lunch box”, Rin muttered, hands deep in foam, as if it was a contest.

But Haru ended this stupid little argument with ‘It’s okay, I like pork cutlets’, pulled out a cloth from where Rin told him it was and started wiping the dishes he’s washed, even though Rin (still) told him it’s not something they needed as they usually left them to dry off on their own.

After they were done -- and Rin managed not to think about Haru holding his hand, brushing the hair out of his face or doing any equally romantic and useless thing -- they found Chigusa sitting on the headrest of the couch, leaning forward and resting her head on her hand, grinning lazily. Kou was observing her with a resigned frown.

“The council”, she started, “as in, Kou and me…” Kou muttered something that sounded like ‘Mostly you’, but Chigusa ignored her. “Has decided it would be cool to put this gentleman--” she nodded at Haru “--through a baptism of fire.”

Kou rolled her eyes lazily -- so lazily it looked like she followed a random fly passing by with her eyes -- and put her head on the headrest, making her cheek look even softer. “Just do it quick, I’m tired.”

“What ba--”, he started and then his voice got stuck in his throat; now he remembered, there WAS a baptistic ritual in that stupid family, one he made up himself to tease Sousuke when he invited him on a sleepover for the first time, the one they later repeated with Kisumi, or rather -- Kisumi repeated it himself, because as opposed to Sousuke, he was in a w e over it.

The ritual went like this:

You put on some lipstick, then cover someone’s eyes, then--

“No”, he whined weakly, and of course, it could be his mind overreacting, but he felt as if he was going to faint.

“Yes”, Chigusa giggled, rubbing her palms like -- like a fly sitting on something and planning to… do some fly shit, or something. “Nina-san, may I have your Dior for a while?”

“My Dior? What for?”, Nina groaned, “Do you know how much I’ve paid for it?”

Chigusa flashed another horrible smile and rubbed her hands again, ready to explain, while Haru looked back and forth from her to Rin, moderately interested. “What are they talking about?”

“My death”, he muttered quietly, knowing well he was behaving like an overdramatic teenager (which he was, apparently) -- but he had his own reasons, for gods’ sake! It was just a stupid dare, a childish idea, he was ten back then, it should have been forgotten thirty years ago!! -- but it wasn’t, for some reasons. And again, maybe it was funny for Chigusa, but she was in a happy relationship, not trying to forget, dissolve into sea foam and die at the same time.

Haru’s eyes widened, and he opened his mouth as if he was trying to say something, but in the end he chose not to, and instead lowered his head to look at his hands, just as interested as before.

Chigusa grabbed Rin’s arm and tugged him towards the bathroom, bouncing like an overexcited fire year old.

“Why do you even--”, he started when she closed the door, but

“Shut up, lover boy, and gimme those coral lips of yours”, she sang, and when it didn’t work, she added “Matsuoka, Dior. V… Vie d’Enfer.”

Even this, he thought and his insides boiled; he’d wanted one of those since he saw one in a foreign catalogue, that is -- since he learned what a lip gloss was, and one day he has been informed that his mom has a girlfriend, then -- a fiancee, then -- that this fiancee has a Dior lip gloss. And now he was supposed to put that glory on his lips, for free, which was wonderful and so on, but the metaphorical price of it…

“Why do you do this to me”, he whined, twirling the little bottle in his hands pointlessly.

“Because”, Chigusa said, snatching it away from him, “you’re being a dumb ass.”

“Thanks”, he muttered.

“I haven’t finished yet! You’re being a dumb ass who doesn’t notice what could have been if you only--”

“What could have been?! What could have been?! Nothing could have been, he doesn’t like me, it won’t work out, get it finally and stop making fun of me, it’s not funny!”

She blinked.

“So… you’re trying to tell me.... you hadn’t noticed how he was looking at you?”, she asked, as if Rin has just said that the moon is made of sugar mass. “Okay, now it is funny.”

Rin rolled his eyes. “How he was looking at me?”, he repeated, feeling his voice go unreasonably right, but -- fuck that, “Are you trying to tell me he’s been looking at me? In ways? Are you high?”

“No, you’re fucking high on your summertime sadness and oh-my-god-i’m-so-fucking-alone if you didn’t notice that he pretty much fucking doesn’t take his fucking eyes off of you”, she hissed and swallowed, only to start talking again, except calmer, “Listen up, child, the only thing I know about you is that you’re fucking gay and my girlfriend’s dumb brother with a crush, and I don’t know that Nanase guy either, but Kou’s told me that for past half a year he was pretending he doesn’t give a fuck while obviously giving so many fucks it was ridiculous… don’t interrupt me or I’ll shove that lip gloss up your ass and you’ll have to explain yourself to Nina-san, and you very much don’t want to” Rin paled. “Yeah. So. He didn’t care about you, yeah? Let’s assume. And then suddenly he brings you food, all by himself, right? And THEN he offers to go and train with you, right? And THEN when some shit happens, he doesn’t go d’oh I don’t give a fuck where’s my fish but actually chases after you AND you sort it out AND he comes to your house AND helps you with the dinner! Right?! You didn’t think about it?!”

“I didn’t think about it!”

And if whisper-screaming was an Olympic discipline, Rin Matsuoka, Japan would have won all three medals and have a special platinum one made just for himself.

“I don’t want to think about it, fucked up things happen when I think about it, I want to forget and you don’t let me!”

Chigusa rolled her eyes, like she was dealing with an absolute dumbass, and Rin clenched his fists. He really, really hated it and he really, really didn’t want to do something to her.

“And why the fuck you want to forget so bad? Can’t you just try? Not everyone on this planet is straight!”

Rin ran his hands through his hair so hard that it hurt, and probably he tore out a bit.

“And that’s the point”, he said, voice low and quiet, hoping Chigusa will get the reference and stop this bullshit as soon as it’s possible, “That I don’t want to try, because sorry, I’m not some cute girl with a crush like you, I really--”

“What the hell gives you the right to say this?!”, Chigusa hissed and stomped her foot loudly; and if Rin was in the mood, he’d think she was looking as if she wanted to do it on his head, but he was too busy trying to control himself, “You think you’re some dumbass vampire from that Twilight thing?! I suffer a lot so I’m cooler from those dumb kids?! Fuck off!” And if Rin was in the mood for that, he’d surely think that if they weren’t in the bathroom, Chigusa would beat him up. “I was fucking afraid too, I thought she was straight too, but then we were kissing on her bed in swimsuits and we fucked and it turned out she wasn’t straight! Amazing!”

“The point is, yes, and I’m sorry”, he breathed out, putting his hands in front of himself he wasn’t even sure what for, “The point is, I don’t want to try, I don’t want to try thinking or think about trying or-- or whatever, I just”, he brushed his stupid long hair behind his ear and realised he was blushing at the mere thought of what he was going to say, and it was stupid, because he must have been already red from all that hidden anger, “I just want him, and--”, he took a shaky breath, “and it’s like, you win or you die. I’m serious. If I tried and he-- and it didn’t succeed, I would die.”

Chigusa looked at him for a while, playing with the bottle of lip gloss absentmindedly.

“You’re really severely underfucked”, she said finally. “And like, you’re alive only because you’re not playing at the moment? Metaphorically?”

“And like, yes, metaphorically”, he said, ignoring her first comment. “And also, Kou sold her console.”

“Oh god, that sucks!”, she groaned sympathetically, then got serious again. “Anyway. The chances of you dying are like lower than your trousers are right now.” Rin looked down and shot her an angry look, but she waved her hand. “Okay, so, just, try to be less stupid this time and actually pay attention. Because he is going to stare. And now give me those fucking coral lips or yours, or you know what will happen.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh boy, finally”, said Kou after ten years.

Or so it felt, having his eyes tied with his own tie and having asked ‘Am I going to get murdered in some way?’ maybe three times. (And always getting the ‘Depends on how you look at it’ answer.)

“What were you doing there for so long, having sex?”, she added, and Haruka heard that Sound. She was filing her nails again.

“Three”, muttered Rin, and somewhere behind him Chigusa made an appreciative sound.

“Three sexes?”

“Three sexes.”

Someone snickered, Kou exhaled slowly (and probably rolled her eyes). Some doors closed.

“We’re alone now”, Chigusa giggled ominously and -- most probably -- rubbed her hands.

“Go crazy, Matsuoka.”

Both Matsuokas groaned, except one (and Haruka even knew which one) with more resignation.

“Will you tell me what is going on?”, he asked, a bit irritated, “I’m not complaining, I mean I am a bit, but--”

“Blood”, said Rin’s voice, very close to his face.

!

!

!!!

A breath, and then

a

kis

Haruka exploded.

Internally, of course -- but it was still like a wave of heat, like something that could make all his atoms evaporate; Rin’s lips pressed hard to his cheeks felt hot and soft but at the same time Haruka himself was hot, blazing hot and he knew Rin could probably feel that too. His eyes widened under the tie and he must have been looking ridiculous, because Chigusa snorted, and then -- Rin’s lips left his cheek and he felt that hot breath again; then he felt Rin carefully -- at first he didn’t feel it at all, thinking he’s just overreacting, hallucinating, everything at once -- softly placing his hands on Haruka’s shoulders. Then:

“And thunder”,

breathed Rin and kissed his other cheek, and

what???

And apparently the girls knew well what, because -- from the lack of a better term -- they just burst out laughing, Kou joyfully and sweetly and Chigusa -- howling uncontrollably; but it could be as well some background music like in a supermarket; Haruka paid exactly as much attention to it.

Rin’s lips -- logically speaking -- couldn’t made such an impact. They were just lips. A body part. But they did, and did so much; it was as if he was pushed into a soft warm bed, making him sleepy and vulnerable in one second. He parted his lips, taking a loud breath, and even though Rin’s hands were almost as heavy as feathers on his shoulders, he had to pay attention and straighten up, otherwise he’d fall back; his head leaned back on its own and he felt dizzy, but at the same time his body wanted to lie down, close his eyes and embrace that warm body in front of him, and--

“Victory”, said Rin and kissed his temple, and then -- oh -- he had something on his lips, lipstick? -- and Kou sounded as if she was crying, and Chigusa told Rin to fuck off, and-- “at sea” --and he placed a long, soft kiss above his upper lip.

At sea???

“At sea?”, Haruka asked stupidly, causing another fit of laughter from the girls and someone probably knocked something over again, then laughed again.

“Mhm”, muttered Rin and Haruka felt him moving lower, and for a while his heart stopped, completely, and he was really, really close to exploding physically -- but then he only felt a tug on his collar. Oh.

So that was it.

He must have been looking really ridiculous, but -- there were things that made him stop thinking about it, at least for now. As in, for example, Rin. Rin who, it seemed, finished his business but still had his hands on Haruka’s shoulders, who breather a bit heavier than normally, who -- suddenly backed off as soon as Haruka raised his head, even though he was blindfolded.

Then he slowly -- as if Rin was a wild animal he didn’t want to scare -- raised his hands and took the tie off.

O.

At first he had to accustom to the light, because he’s has that tie on his face for quite a long time -- but then, as if he was in a comic, or in a movie, or everywhere else when love at the first sight is mentioned, he saw Rin.

Rin was, well, Rin. Still the same, but different, and Haruka should have learned his lesson already, but he didn’t, and -- oh.

He wasn’t sure if it wasn’t because of how close they were, but it seemed Rin had put on more mascara and Haruka could literally count every eyelash of his, and he wished he could, because Rin’s eyelashes, and eyes, and Rin as a whole, his entire rinness was -- again, oh. He was wearing lipstick indeed; now it looked a bit faded, after Rin has made sure to leave as much of it as he could on Haruka’s face (but how), but his lips still were way darker than usually. On anyone else -- or at least on anyone with lighter complexion -- it would look ridiculous, but on Rin, with his dark skin and lips made for using various kinds of cosmetics…

He looked at Rin, and Rin looked back, and in result, they stared at each other, wide-eyes and mouth open; Haruka raised his eyes from Rin’s lips to his nose, covered with freckles, and to his eyes, rich and shining, and then he realised that, technically, when looking at Rin’s eyes, he was looking… into his eyes, and thus:

He blushed, and he very much would like to say the same about Rin, but it was impossible. Rin was already at his reddest, looking as if he was going to faint from overblushing.

“You look idiotic, you know that?”

 

* * *

 

It was relatively quiet and relatively comfortable

That’s what Haruka thought, and yet he couldn’t fall asleep -- as opposed to Rin, probably. After he’d practically jumped away from Haruka, covering his face -- was he blushing hard enough to emit heat or light? -- Chigusa had declared a movie night, and a quiet one, because Matsuoka-san and Nina-san went to sleep already. Or, ‘to sleep’, as she phrased it and Rin hit her with a cushion. “I’m too tired to get up after all that swimming and you want them to have sex after all day of working?”, asked Kou and Chigusa only shrugged.

They’ve watched a movie about birds, that kind of a movie that yes, has some values, educational or not, but is made mostly to be beautiful -- and it was, with amazing, for such a small tv, quality, wonderful camera work and unique music, sure; but after a while Haruka stopped caring about the geese and started paying more attention to Rin, who must have gotten tired as well, as he was practically falling asleep, resting his head on his hand and trying to pay attention; and by the time the movie ended (for some reason Haruka didn’t really remember what it was about, besides birds, and he had a feeling this reason would be: Matsuoka Rin), Rin was already asleep in the most uncomfortable position in the world, so they quickly cleaned up a little, woke him up and sent away to his room.

Then he emerged from said room, looking a tiny bit more awake than before, and gave him some clothes he could sleep in (‘He was late for the last train thirty minutes ago, oniichan, so give him some clothes unless you want him to sleep in his uniform with your-- ow!!, oh, for god’s sake, are you four?!’), muttering some apologies, as apparently he didn’t remember if that t-shirt was his or his mother’s. ‘I don’t mind either’, Haruka shrugged and then took a half-blissful shower, which meant that yes, the water was properly warm, its pressure was just right, but -- the pipes. They were alive, just as alive as the water and he himself, and apparently liked to announce it. Loudly. (‘Haruka-senpai, I’m sorry, it goes silent after one minute or so!’)

It went silent after two minutes, but soon he got out and dressed himself quickly; the shirt smelled nicely of freshly washed clothes. It was a bit too big, just like the trousers, so they must have been Rin’s, but Haruka didn’t really mind. Standing in front of the mirror, brushing his hair with his fingers, he thought it was a very pretty bathroom. He liked bathrooms; they kind of showed who their owner is, in some way. This one was way too small for three people, not to mention five -- and thus terribly messy, shelves and boxes full of cosmetics and various other products typical and not typical in a bathroom, as books, magazines and was that a fork? Okay, but what was it doing under the bathtub?

So he lied quietly and motionlessly, hoping for some sleep; theoretically it would be a logical (was he turning into a Rei?) thing for him to fall asleep immediately; it was a tiring day, they stayed in the pool after Kou has left and played a bit (even though they should have stopped), then there was all thing thing with Rin, and honestly, socialisation was nice, but from time to time, and usually he’d be dead asleep by now. He closed his eyes and tried not to think. It helped when he was younger, staying home with grandma when his parents were out.

Some door opened, and, as almost everything in this house, did it unappropriately loudly; someone inhaled. Haruka was sure it was one of the girls, or women; Rin was asleep, or so he guessed. Said someone walked slowly towards the fridge and opened it; took something out and -- participated in an act of consumption? And then Haruka found out that, yes, it was Rin. He doubted anyone else would choke with water, call himself a dumbass in an angry hiss and drink water straight from the tap. Did Rin have sensitive teeth? Aside from: stupidity nothing came to his mind that would fill those symptoms.

Rin wiped his mouth and sighed; Haruka half-expected him to go back to his room, maybe walk into the table on his way. But he heard nothing, nothing, not even a breath, and that made Haruka hold his own. The silence was filling his ears like water after a good swim.

“Haru”, he heard, and it was the softest he’s ever heard Rin speaking; maybe he was oversensitive, or imagining things, but he was fairly sure Rin was leaning over him on the headrest and once -- and well, that was his imagination for sure, because Rin was a boy, not a steam engine -- he could swear he felt his breath on his cheek.

He pressed his eyelids together and focused on not opening them at all costs. Usually, or so he heard, children, and maybe adults as well, had problems with keeping a straight face when pretending to be asleep, which eventually ended in then bursting out laughing or just smiling. He’s never had those problems, but then he’s never had to pretend he was asleep -- Makoto could tell, and his parents didn’t really care if he was ill or just didn’t want to go to school, he had to, and that was it.

(Maybe that was why he was skipping school so often; Makoto would lend him his notes anyway. It wasn’t as fun as kids said, staying home. You just… stay home, and think more about how alone you are)

The source of warmth above him vanished, moved and appeared again in front of him; it felt hot, vibrating and nervous -- or maybe those were Haruka’s own feelings. Rin was close -- Rin was close to him many times, mostly when they were younger, when he’d throw him arm over his shoulders or pat his back, or try to ruffle his hair. Once Haruka hit him with a notebook and he laughed, loudly and carelessly. Now he wasn’t careless, he was mysterious, unpredictable, messy like a sketch drawn after midnight.

Rin exhaled slowly; Haruka was partially thankful for that, irrationally fearing Rin would hear his loud heartbeat. He tried to wonder childishly, what is he even doing? but it didn’t work, because he knew, he was thousand percent sure, he aw--

Rin kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Yes, I had to finish there._
> 
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> 
> Thank you for reading! As usual, References Corner (as usual, if there are any I didn't mention, well, either they weren't intended or i forgot. well)
> 
> This time we're murakaming a lot.
> 
> First of all, the 'tonkatsu has been tainted' curse stuff is a reference to a single-chapter story of Murakami you can find in _The Elephant Vanishes_ , called _The Second Bakery Attack_. It's, to be honest, my favourite one in this book, and I definitely recommend it!  
>  'After dark' is another story by Murakami and said conversation about chicken and toasts is real. Spinach tuna wrap is something Ooshima-san eats in 'Kafka on the shore', my first Murakami book; sukiyaki is from 'Norwegian Wood', adn the dude who spent a lot of time alone in the mountains is the main hero of 'A Wild Sheep Chase'.
> 
> Normally children in Japan call their mothers okaa-san, but 'mama' I took from K-ON! where Mio called her mom like this. I found it ridiculously cute (as it means something like 'mommy', so hey, imagine a 18 year old saying this!) and, well, as you can see I headcanon the Matsuoka family as a really loving one, so there's that.
> 
> 'Uzura' is a Japanese word for Japanese quail that looks like [this](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/db/Japanese_Quail.jpg). Gee, what a babe.
> 
> Nina Haida is another OC of mine, and while her name is something I decided to use (because for me it has such a cool, elegant feel to it), her last name is -- surprise! -- another reference to Murakami's works. Fumiaki Haida was a close friend of Tsukuru Tazaki from 'Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage'. It is possible Tsukuru was attracted to him (please read this book).
> 
> Vie d'Enfer looks like this. Oh yeah.
> 
> The movie they're watching is obviously [this](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winged_Migration) one. Please watch it.
> 
> And, last but definitely not least, if you haven't recognised the most important reference of this chapter, my raison d'etre, well... condolences, because ever since I saw it, my life has became brighter. It's [this](http://oglaf.com/honor/) comic (NSFW!!! really nsfw). Why would Rin read such a thing? Well, I don't know, but perhaps for the same reason as me -- it's cool. And nsfw as hell, but still.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I bet you weren't expecting this, huh?! Eh?! But I did it. I fucking wrote this damn chapter AND it's over two times longer than the first one. Have a drink for that, and for my calm of mind. May it live in peace, whenever it is right now.
> 
> Oh, don't be surprised by that: after some thought, I decided to stop being a language police and call Haru 'Haru'. That's how he likes it, so. I think distinguishing between his and Rin's point of view won't get particularly difficult, as (I hope) their way of thinking is different (I hope).
> 
> Hmm, is there anything more I should... ah. Yes. There is. See, I didn't want to go full Rowling on that one. Believe me. But I did, and when I hit 12k, I still didn't even start the part I hoped to be Big. And on the way to it, I happened to write more of a certain part I didn't mean to make long, then there was this thing, and another... And I swore to myself I would finish this before yesterday, as in, 12th of November (today is the last day of out long weekend). Because of that, final... um... two.... thousands? Of text? Are extremely rushed and if you think 'Hey, that one part was half-assed, it could be solved that or that way!' -- you're absolutely right, but I just wanted to finish this monster.
> 
> I hope the next chapter will be sooner (and shorter. My fingers hope for that as well)

It made no sense: Rin’s lips were soft.

 _Soft and warm and s w e e t_ , thought Haru, even though the latter was purely imaginary and more like something you'd read in a book, because kisses weren’t sweet unless they were open-mouthed kisses, and with someone who has just eaten something sweet.

But -- _oh_.

It was as if all cells, atoms, all matter building Haru’s body turned into liquid, and his body wanted to react in one and only legitimate way; give up on moving at all, maybe except pulling Rin close and _yes, please, touch me, touch me, it feels good_. Because yes, physical contact with Rin’s body -- whatever part of it -- felt good, and pleasant, like a distant thought of a warm bed after a tiring day. He felt hot, hot inside and out and it was a miracle Rin didn’t feel it, or: it was a torture keeping it all inside, those feelings and emotions and things he wanted to do; because normally when it came to Rin, he tried to think. He didn’t have to, really; with Rin, thinking was something that just happened in his head. What was Rin thinking about? What should he say? But now it was different, now it was like when he was in water, he didn’t think what to do, he had no plan, he just felt, and now, at this time, at this exact moment--

Rin broke the kiss. It was a soft, delicate kiss, almost as soft as a touch of feather upon Haru’s lips -- but he felt it, he felt that those amazing lips leave his own. _I want to draw those lips_ , he thought senselessly, _and kiss them, and kiss them while I draw them_ \-- and then he tried to imagine how would that trick look like and it felt so ridiculous that he almost opened his eyes.

And that would be a stupid and sad thing to do, because apparently Rin was either sleep-walking or blind or deadly sleepy; he didn’t seem to notice Haru’s breathing -- which, theoretically, couldn’t be louder than a whisper, especially when Haru tried to make it even and shallow, just like he had been really sleeping, but despite that, for him it seemed as loud as three vacuum cleaners -- and the heat he must have been emitting; and he cupped Haru’s cheek, softly, softly, softly like no one has ever touched him; even his mother’s hand on his forehead and her worried face when he caught the worst cold in his life felt as subtle and careful as a rugby player running for the ball, compared to this. Haru was a burning molten and blurred mass of unknown energy shaped by Rin’s hands; one on his cheek, the other somewhere in his hair, and suddenly Rin’s lips again on his, this time making Haru definitely, finally, endlessly explode.

The first kiss was just a -- a touch, skin on skin, sharing warmth, yes, but -- _this one_. This one was something completely different; Rin’s hand in Haru’s hair tightened a bit and the second kiss was more messy, even -- passionate, or: hungry, or: sensual. Haru couldn’t find a proper adjective, but in the movies it looked like: a man and a woman start kissing, at first it’s sweet and fairly innocent, then they start making sounds, then they’re making out against some vertical surface and then, having usually really gross sex for at least two minutes of screen time. And for some (?) reasons, for all those years he felt grossed out by people making out on tv, and then he had Rin kissing him in the dark when he was -- supposedly -- asleep and suddenly he was burning. He could feel Rin’s hot breath, shaking hands and that was a tongue, he was 100% sure, and now he really, really wanted to pull Rin close to him, so close that their chests would touch, and hold him, embrace under that warm blanket, forever, or maybe until morning, exploring every inch of Rin’s body, counting his eyelashes, tracing the curve of his spine with all his fingers. It was embarrassing, but he had an erection, no, _thirty erections_ , and both that realisation and -- and Rin, for god’s sake -- made him, more or less, just, make a sound.

Rin backed off so suddenly as if someone has pulled him back; Haru has lost all the warmth he’s given him and at first he wanted to groan in protest and pull Rin close again, not care about anything and just -- mash their mouths together or something like that, because he had no idea what kisses were supposed to be like and what makes one a good kisser but Rin certainly was one -- and it was n o r m a l, for god’s sake, that he wanted more--

‘Rin’, he wanted to say, through his sleep, of course, that kind of sleepy, sweet mumbling that usually ended in… various things, but the only sound that came out was “...n”. He trusted Rin was smart enough for that.

And apparently he was, as he made a high-pitched, panicky-sounding sound and then -- judging by the rather loud _slap_! -- covered his mouth with a hand. _Why?!_

“Mmgh”, he said and furrowed his brows; he had really, really no idea where he was going with this, but just when he was about to open his eyes, Rin made another ridiculous noise and fleed, not even bumping onto furniture.

The door closed, and there was silence.

And then Chigusa said:

“Yeah, and now tell me this isn’t the biggest idiot of all time.”

He felt his face grow hot and got up rapidly; she was there, leaning on the side of the fridge. Like this, Rin couldn’t have seen her, especially if he got there only to kiss Haru while he was asleep. “Kou was asleep, and I was not, and then I was like, hey, why not get some nice cool water? So I go outta the room and what do I see? Gasp! _Homosexuals!_ You’re lucky I didn’t start screaming.”

Haru shot her a disapproving look.

“But also, damn, you poor boy, I really wish you could see his faces. If only I could film this!”, she laughed and Haru thought, ‘Hey, what about you go and leave now?’ “No, but seriously: Date him. You might not know, but he’s fucking crazy for you, and if you don’t--”

Wait.

“What?”, he asked, feeling as if all liquids in his body turned to… _not liquids_.

He couldn’t see well in the dark, but the face she made was half-scandalised, half-shocked. “What? You’re seriously-- oh my god. No, no, I don’t care. Boys are fucking stupid, I don’t care.” She turned around and left, and even when she was opening the door to her and Kou’s room, Haru could hear her _not caring_.

That night, Rin was here in his dreams.

At first he thought it was real, because shortly after he fell asleep, Rin was here, just his face making Haru’s mouth dry -- but way later, when Kou woke him up in the morning and asked if he wanted to go to school or stay (bless this girl) he realised the sofa seemed way too big to be real, especially for all those things they were doing.

Rin approached him just like he did before, but he wasn’t shy anymore, _he wasn’t shy at al_ l and soon there were hands all over his body and fingers in his hair and it was really difficult to believe Rin had only a pair of hands back then because it felt as if he was touching him everywhere.

And then Haru’s hands moved on their own and took off Rin’s shirt and threw it away somewhere; he didn’t care where. Rin’s body was beautiful, smooth, warm curves of muscle making Haru want to spend the next twenty years here, touching Rin, kissing him. And then Rin leaned forward and indeed, kissed him, and his long hair was tickling Haru’s face. He caressed Rin’s back, smoother than anything he’s ever touched, and Rin moaned into the kiss, back arching as if in bliss.

Shortly after, Rin’s trousers were gone as well and Haru’s hands wandered shamelessly over his body -- and at some point he just grabbed a handful of his ass, and probably that was when everything started, and Haru had no idea how but soon Rin was more naked than Haru has ever imagined him to be (not that he did it, like, often), putting Haru’s hands on his chest; Haru could feel his heart beating like crazy and his nipples hard like pebbles, and then he -- guided Haru’s cock into himself and then Haru didn’t remember much of what happened after that, he only remembered feeling good and probably making a lot of noise and that he woke up afterwards and realised there was a rather gross stain on his trousers.

And then he realised those were Rin’s trousers, in fact, and he wanted to cry, or shout, or demonstrate his state of mind in a loud way. Somehow.

He got up and ran to the bathroom as quietly as he could and pondered over the wet trousers for a while. It was embarrassing, it was one of the most embarrassing things that even happened in his life, except -- when it happened at home, he could just shrug it off and change, no big deal. But there? It was pretty much his first night at Rin’s house and. This happened. And he couldn’t throw the trousers into the washing machine and take out clean ones.

He wiped the sperm ( _oh wow_ ), poured some water and soap onto the stain and did some impromptu rubbing, hoping he wouldn’t damage the material -- and that the Matsuokas had a relatively quiet hair dryer. Otherwise he’d have to dry the trousers up with… he had no idea. Hope? Power of friendship? A prayer? Or go to sleep in wet trousers, or naked, each option equally sad and pathetic.

Luckily for him, Matsuoka hair dryer was relatively quiet and fifteen minutes later he was staring at Rin’s pajama trousers with a suspiciously blissful face. He was only a step away from blissfully nuzzling them against his face.

And because wearing dry, warm clothes was nice, he quickly went back to the sofa and fell asleep, curled in the sheets and doing his best not to think about Rin.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Said Rin woke up seven hours later, tangled in sheets and his own thoughts, from which ‘I want to die’, ‘I want to date Haru’ and ‘Somebody please fuck me’ were the most frequent. 

His hair was just as messy as the inside of his head and he automatically tried to brush it with his fingers. Then he remembered there was no one that could see him like that and he lowered his hand. Empty flats, he realised, had something sad about them. Well, first of all, they were empty; and even though Rin still didn’t feel he belonged here, he sort of missed the girls practicing lazily on the sofa or mom and Nina chatting over a cup of coffee; it kind of reminded him of how the house used to be back then, when they were little.

The flat seemed bigger, brighter and happier when he and Kou were eating breakfast over the table (with a big TABLE written on it, because why not) in their bowls labeled BOWL with spoons labeled SPOON, because mom thought it would be easier; and so there was a WALL on the wall and a small POSTER next to a poster of Kaoru (KAORU). Other people thought it would be nice to put a picture on the wall to make it pretty; maybe a photo from last holidays or a copy of Picasso’s dachshund. This flat and its owners had a different opinion, hence the writings. Everywhere; on the walls, on the fridge, on the stickers put on the fridge, on the cupboards, floor, even on the ceiling (it was the most painful, and, incidentally, the silliest one -- father has finished repainting the ceiling, because a certain someone wink to mom’s uni friend has produced a huge coffee stain on it, and when it dried off, he climbed the ladder again and wrote ‘I was here :)’). At first they were fully visible, due to the fact there wasn’t really any furniture to cover them; then someone glued a picture to the kitchen wall with a chewed up gum (Rin would never admit it, but IT WAS HIM), another someone bought a cupboard and now there were only a few, barely visible because ten years was a lot of time for a flat, especially for one with dozens of tenants, coming and leaving.

 _Empty flat_ , Rin thought. _Hooray_. Shower masturbation, playing the guitar outside the music room. Oh, he’d have to copy the notes from Takeda (golden boy, super sweetheart), probably there’d be like eighteen exams announced for next week and-- and oh, he’d have to take care of that cleaning up at last. Yesterday he couldn’t do it for-- oh, reasons, mostly himself being an idiot in love, but then -- yeah, mom wanted to see him (he still had no idea why; he thought that if he had such a kid, reunions would be the most awkward things on earth -- but in fact, in the quietest parts of his mind he knew he’d feel and act exactly just as his mother), but she probably really needed help, so staying home and doing nothing besides being miserable and gay was out of the question. He shouldn’t even clean up in the house with girls; the must have been helping a lot already, he should do this on his own.

Everyone was so endlessly, unnecessarily kind to him. And what for?

With those optimistic thoughts, he opened the door.

His sensed instantly registered a presence; in fact, presences. Plural form. First of all, there was a presence of warmth, then -- of smell of pancakes (and thus -- of pancakes as well), and then, at last, after he was too sleepy to make a sound of surprise and headed straight to the kitchen, and saw -- of Haru.

“Hi”, said Haru after a while of silence and patted a pile of pancakes with a spatula, as if he wanted to accentuate it. The silence between the moment they saw each other and the moment Haru spoke was neither too long nor too short; purely natural. A moment of silence human brain needs to connect the dots. ‘Ah, a person, I need to say hello’. For some reason, Rin felt lighter. It was good, that silence.

“Hi”, he replied and moved forward; he lingered around the doorway for a moment, then sat at the table after Haru gestured that no, he doesn’t need help. It didn’t look like he did, either; the amount of pancakes appeared to be enough to feed an army.

“It seems I have lost the sense of time”, Haru said, looking at the pancakes critically. He looked at them a bit more, as if there was something fascinating and indescribable in them, said “Well, at least we won’t starve”, and sat down as well. There was everything prepared on the table; plates, glasses of -- _sweet Hades_ \-- orange juice and even maple syrup, even though Rin had no idea how, why and from where.

“O”, said Haru. Rin raised his head, spatula frozen in midair. It wasn’t very usual for Haru (that Haru, at least) to say useless things like this. He wasn’t a ‘oh wow’ kind of person. “I… didn’t ask you what you want. But your mo-- mom told Kou and Kou told me that. It would be fine, so, but--”

Rin exhaled, feeling warmth rise in his chest. “No, are you crazy, I haven’t had pancakes since the Big Bang, it’s amazing”, he said and flashed a quick smile in general direction of Haru. He preferred not to look him directly in the eyes, otherwise there was a chance of him fainting, choking with air or stabbing himself with a pancake. On a fork, but still a pancake.

 _Oh gods, I kissed him_ , he realised with a force of great typhoon and the realisation was so big that the only thing he could do to save his face was stuffing himself with a pancake. He chewed nervously, barely focusing on the taste (the pancake was deliriously delicious and Haru deserved three Nobles for that, okay); they kissed -- well, mostly it was him harassing sleeping Haru at night, but for now he was too tired and dumbfounded to blame himself, yet -- and now they were eating breakfast together, it was like, it was like, it was wild--

“Are you alri--”, Haru started; then Rin raised his head, eyes wild and full of… lots of things, probably, and he was already getting ready to hate himself for being an awkward nuisance, but then Haru squinted somewhere around Rin’s, uh, lower face, made a shocked face and an tired noise and turned away, red on his face.

Then a lot of things happened really fast and it was a mess, a real mess.

 _Fuck_ , thought Rin, because neither ‘Gods’ nor ‘Sweet Hades’ nor even ‘Sweet Lord of the Rings’ wasn’t enough, _he KNOW_ S.

And he exploded.

As in, choked. The Haru saw that and -- probably wanted to help and was surprised by that at the same time, like, it wasn’t like Rin chokes with a sense of mission, it was out of the blue, recreational choking or what, and -- and attempted to swallow, maybe in order to… do something, or something, and he lunged forward, but his hand, maybe by millimetre, touched the glass in front of him and he made a wild motion to prevent it from falling, then Rin -- he could swear for his life he didn’t mean to -- snorted, and then laughed, mouth still full of a pancake, and Haru made a weird face, having controlled the glass---

And then they were laughing, loudly, stupidly, like a pair of kids from kindergarten amused by some joke about farts or something equally charming. Rin was almost howling and still choking, while Haru’s laugh was quieter and more like a giggle that a full laugh, but they both hid their faces in -- partially in their plates, partially in hands, and shook from wild laughter.

Finally Haru raised his head from the table, red on his face from laughing, and it seemed he wanted to say something (he opened his mouth, small and pretty, now even prettier, stretched in a smile) but he didn’t. He only shook his head with an faux-irritated face.

“You’re wild”, Rin muttered after he managed to swallow his pancake.

“Me?”, Haru raised his eyebrows, “Sorry, but it wasn’t me who started dying out of the blue.”

Rin had no arguments to that, so he rolled his eyes and diplomatically stuffed himself with another pancake.

The rest of breakfast was relatively calm and pleasant. They ate, Rin complimented Haru on the pancakes, they had a generic conversation about food and again, the silence that fell afterwards was something natural, not stiff and awkward. Well, maybe a bit; it was that kind of silence that fell when you’ve done washing the dishes after the breakfast and have no idea what to do next.

Rin sat on the verge of the sofa; the sheets and everything Haru slept on were gone, he must have put them away to where Chigusa had took them from. He felt his latest words -- something about the dishes said to Haru; he’d been insisting on washing them like it wasn’t him who prepared an army of pancakes -- linger on his lips; it felt weird, like an echo. Sometimes he got that feeling when he’d say something and meet with silence from the others; he started worrying if it wasn’t something stupid, even if it was the most sensible thing he could say. He wanted to talk to Haru more. Freely (oh, come on). Like yesterday, about books and movies. Yesterday he didn’t worry about his voice being too annoying, cheeks too red or freckles too visible, or about his hands shaking, or about every single thing in himself that could or could not appear irritating to Haru. Well, that was the point of crushes, he both wanted to be perfect for Haru and for Haru to love him as a whole; but this aside, that thing in his head and chest everytime he thought seriously about the miracle of universe called Nanase Haru -- that thing he’d probably call a storm but it was too stupid and romantic, oh god, why couldn’t he be a straight boy -- that thing was a proof big enough to prove that it wasn’t, really, a crush anymore.

It wasn’t a crush, but it wasn’t love, at least that was how he felt. Love was something Big, just like friendship. Just like a relay; he wanted big things, always the big things, but he was small. Internally small. Well, in Australia he was both internally and externally small, so some might have found it cute, but here he was a bit on the bigger side and still internally small, which was pretty pathetic. If he was externally small -- or, as normal people said it, short, or petite, fuck it, who cares -- he could maybe curl in someone’s arms. Now -- he wasn’t neither small nor short nor petite nor who the fuck cares and he only could curl in his bed and cry his dreams goodbye.

And -- being a stupid optimistic romantic kid at first and having a bird flipped right to your face at the tender age of twelve was one thing. Willingly flipping said bird at every part of his body was another.

Long story short, in words understandable by most of the population, he forced pessimism onto himself. _It would be better_ , he forced himself to think, _if I expected worse and wasn’t disappointed_. That was what he thought, wanted to think, but it didn’t really change his disappointment. So he tried to forget about tests as soon as he handed the paper to the teacher, he didn’t ask Nitori for exact times. He didn’t believe he’d ever end with Haru.

But, of course, karma was a bitch; everyone, even his own damn mom told him that a/ he’d look good with Haru; b/ and it’s good because _look, dude is totally into you_. But even if he explained it to them, to Chigusa with her toilet pep talk and Makoto with his I-am-so-nice-and-happy-and-currently-disappointed-in-you-son eyes, even if he took out his feelings and fears and all that shit and put them in a pretty powerpoint presentation, they wouldn’t understand. Because: hey, you’re depressed and think only either about dying or getting gangbanged? (And then dying?) No prob, dude (d u d e), jump into his arms, he’ll totally accept you! And fix, and kiss his tears away (ugh). Except no, no, it doesn’t work that way, fuck off, fuck off and shut up forever, die and leave me alone; even if he tried to write about all the things that worried him, he’d-- no, he wouldn’t manage to do even that. Rin was like a time bomb with no instructions or other cool tips how to turn that fuckery off, he could explode, shatter, anytime. He could probably burst into tears at any moment, for no reason other than ‘I started thinking about my miserable life a bit too much’.

He bit his lower lip, frowning. He felt so good only a minute ago, why did he start to think about all this shit, what for? Who did such a thing? Get up, eat, feel good and think about the worst thing? No one. No one normal. Why couldn’t he be normal?

(That was, too, a part of the autosuggestion; because mom has taught him well and deep inside he knew that such things _happened_ and there was no such thing as normal people; but hell, it was easier to tell himself he was the fucked up one than to admit that there just was _no one who would help_ , or: who he’d allow to help, but that made him think: Haru, and that made him start thinking that maybe Haru wasn’t straight or uninterested, that it was just him being a prick, but then -- see the part about being an over-sensitive fuckup that might explode in three… and so on.)

Rin was sitting on the sofa, still a bit sleepy and with taste of pancakes with maple syrup still lingering on his tongue and thinking about things that usually led him to that cool state where he worked on autopilot, doing things and such, only to finish them as soon as possible, go to bed and cry. Quietly. During those four years, he’s become a master of quiet crying -- and of other things that were quiet to others but loud, bright and burning to him.

Meanwhile, Haru was opening a window. One of the two, the left one. He felt the colder air from outside; the weather must have been really nice. For a walk, for example.

Okay: it wasn’t like he lacked love. No, for some reasons mom and Kou were total goddesses and he felt fucking loved by them, so much that he couldn’t express it. But --  he had no idea if it was a hormones thing or what, was his dick forming a pact with brain or what -- he wanted… no, not only a boyfriend. Boyfriend felt like someone you go out with (literally and not), do homework with and fuck. Or get fucked by. And he wanted someone… oh god, it was embarrassing to admit, even to himself, but he was a big weenie (‘no offense, homophonic baby princess, you’re the best puppy, kisses’) and wanted someone who’d hold him. Like when he was in that fucking bed, fucking crying. He wanted someone who would hold him close and kiss him, and put their hands under his shirt and-- wow, oh fuck. No.

Also, a dick up the ass would also be nice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was over six hours since that kiss and the only thing he had on his mind was touching Rin. 

As in, he wanted to touch him. That was a bit unexpected, but -- all the time. When he appeared in the doorway, hair a mess, face still pale from sleep. When he ate those pancakes with sparkling eyes, as if they were made from gold. The pancakes. When he was laughing -- especially then -- when his cheeks reddened a bit and he laughed in a way that made Haru laugh himself; but not at Rin, rather: because of him. Rin made Haru happy.

And he wanted to stay happy, stay happy with Rin; maybe he should do something like characters in movies did. Like, that moment when they stopped laughing, maybe he could Look at Rin, Look at him Meaningfully, and then he’d get up and kiss him, which made close to zero sense, but hey, movies; and Rin would redden again but let Haru kiss him, and kiss him back, and they’d land on the carpet and make out, and Rin would put his hands in Haru’s hair and they’d kiss, mouths open. And then Rin would look at him, cheeks flushed, eyes sparkling, lips parted and maybe they would even have sex on that carpet, and it would be rude as hell, but Haru doubted he’d be able to restrain himself from loving every piece of Rin.

His cock agreed with that, so he turned around and opened the window, letting some air both in and slap him in the face. _Don’t think about Rin_ , he thought, _or at least don’t think about him like this_ , but it had little effect as he started to think about Rin with his hair and clothes tangled by the wind.

Math homework, math homework, old fish, stiff socks, Ren and Ran bathing… ohh, finally.

He was pretty sure Rin was sitting on the sofa, probably thinking about his rinnish things, but the silence was getting too long and too loud. He turned around slowly. Indeed, Rin seemed lost in thought; he was looking somewhere at the ceiling, but it was that kind of passive looking Haru had been scared of when he was a child. It was more like pointing your eyes at something than looking, turning your face towards it, eyes lost, as if looking at something that was b e y o n d. Rin’s face was -- Haru couldn’t say for sure, he only saw his right profile, but it was like Rin could melt at any moment. Melt, or fall asleep, or just stop moving forever. He seemed sad, endlessly sad and desperate, for some reason. Then, of course, Haru could have been imagining it; reading Rin’s mind from his profile only had as much sense as trying to do the same from a pixelated picture.

“So--”, he said, and Rin turned to him; for a while he seemed still sad and focused on something else, but then he blinked and that face was replaced by a moderately curious one, something like ‘Oh, he spoke’. “What do we do now? Because, um. That is. I.”

There was a train of thought somewhere in between.

Why am I even asking him this? → I’m not the one who decides about things. It’s his house. → What am I even doing here? → I made breakfast. But shouldn’t I leave now? → Should I? What if he wants me to stay? → But what if he doesn’t?

“I mean. I’ll. Get going”, he said. The words sounded a bit off. Stiff, even. As if a sculptor polished his work a bit too much.

“Why? It’s too late to go to school”, said Rin and his face changed, as if he realised that what he said might have sounded impolite only after saying that. Haru didn’t find it impolite; quite the contrary, he was flattered.

Oh, he thought and then said,

“Well, okay.”

and then

“If you want.”

Accent on ‘want’. Because it might have been… not an invitation. Just stating of a fact. Although Rin didn’t seem like a person that states facts like this; he’d rather say ‘You don’t have to hurry’, or something like that. Past Rin (Haru kind of hated how that sounded -- like Rin was some software, version 1.0, version 1.1) would probably just say, ‘Stay longer, Nanase!’; this one has changed. Rin has changed and required a thicker manual; ‘It’s too late to go to school’ could mean either that or something else and it required confirmation. Hence, ‘If you want’ was okay.

Suddenly Rin blushed and looked away, as if he’s heard something embarrassing. “That is… if you want.”

Accent on ‘you’.

“You want if I want?”, Haru asked. It sounded like a very awkward talk about sex and for some reason he wanted to laugh at that. Rin nodded after a while, as if he didn’t really believe in what he was saying. Then, probably in order to appear cooler, he shrugged. As if he didn’t just blush.

“Then, okay”, he said simply and moved to sit on the sofa. Rin inhaled sharply and reddened again. How many times can he blush per hour?, Haru wondered. Just like a character in a comic. Blushing, blushing all the time.

“What?”, Haru asked, halting, and another miracle happened; Rin bit his lip and looked away. He was like a book, a comic book, literally; fulfilling every bullet point of that chapter about body language.

“No, just…” If he puts his hand on the back of his neck, I will explode, Haru decided. “I… It’s okay. I remembered I’ll have to clean up a bit in the house and… um--”

“Then I’ll go with you”, Haru said and shrugged, seating himself on the sofa. “It’s not a problem.”

“Of course it is!”, Rin groaned and -- yes -- put his hand behind his head. “That is -- now it sounds like I intended to make you go with me, and I didn’t!”

“As I said, it’s fine”, Haru shrugged. “It’s okay. I want to spend time with you.”

If Rin’s face could get any redder, it would surely explode. He stared at Haru for a while, speechless. Rin is gay, thought Haru. That could mean Rin was analysing the meaning of that sentence. ‘I want to spend time with you’. Did it have any hidden romantic meaning? Five minutes ago, Haru would certainly think ‘Yeah, and I have some ideas on how we could spend that time’. But that was because he was aroused. Obviously things people think about aren’t things they would do for real. Of course when for some reasons when Haru was thirteen, once or twice he thought about Rin when he was masturbating. His train of thought followed every thing he could do to hold him; kiss him (to make him shut up), take off his clothes (then he would have to stop kissing him, but Rin in his fantasies never wanted to stop), put his hands into his pants. Back then, taking care of his cock, he saw nothing wrong in that scenario, he wasn’t embarrassed by that. Of course, it could be nice to touch Matsuoka like that, why? But afterwards, he felt confused. Why had he thought about that? It made no sense.

Five minutes ago Haru would think that, but wouldn’t say it; but such thought would still have had place in his mind. Now it wasn’t like this. He was only patiently looking. Rin brushed a strand of hair behind his ear and swallowed. It looked like he had some mascara smeared under his eyes, but it might have been just Haru’s imagination.

“...you do?”, Rin said at last. It sounded rather pathetic and it seemed even Rin himself was surprised by that. Knowing him, Haru thought, he’d want it to sound nonchalantly. What he got was a miserable squeak.

Haru looked at him. “Of course. We swam together.” A pause. “That means we want to be friends with you again.”

Another pause, this time longer. The silence was different this time; louder, bigger, thicker. He was pretty sure he could hear the tiny grains of dust moving through air. “So… I want to spend time with you.” Another piece of silence. when he was talking -- he didn’t even know when -- Haru stopped looking at Rin and was now looking at his own hands, resting on his knees. Then he looked at Rin again; his position was similar. The silence was heavy from an unasked question. “Because you’re a good person.”

He feels weird after saying that. Who gave him the right to judge people like that? But maybe Rin needed to hear that. Maybe he needed to hear someone say he was good. Sometimes people just have that need. For some reasons, it applies only to them; someone might want to hear some words of praise, but they don’t notice that someone close to them also has this need. For a while Haru was sure he was just trying to find a justification for what he’s said, but then he realised: I  a m  the one who needs to hear those words. People praised him a lot, mostly about his swimming or drawing, but it didn’t really mean anything. It was like they said ‘You breathe so nicely!’. That was something he just did. He couldn’t really explain this, but there were compliments that mattered and that didn’t. It seemed both for Rin and him, being called a good person was something that mattered.

Rin looked at him for a while, then lowered his gaze to his hands. He had pretty hands, big and proportional and Haru thought he’d like to feel them on his cheeks.

“You know what? Let’s do this”, he said. Mostly in order to do something, to move that silence away. “Let’s go to your house and clean up…” Rin raised his eyes on him and sweet gods, those eyelashes were lethal even without mascara, “...and then let’s go swimming. In out pool. What about that?”

Rin bit his lower lip and brushed his hair aside. Then he looked up.

“They will”, Haru said, answering the unsaid question. Rin blinked, surprised. If moving his eyes in order to avoid people’s gaze was worth as much as running, Rin would have lost two kilos already. And counting.

“Then…”, Rin started, still playing with his hair. I want to paint you, thought Haru passionately and he felt something hot rising in his chest. “Then I guess it’s okay.”

“Great”, Haru said and almost clapped his hands, “Speaking of, I only have my uniform, you have something against lending me some of your clothes?"

 

* * *

 

Rin didn’t.

“You know”, he started, shaking his bottle of coffee so it would stir properly, “I’m really not sure if it’s--”

“It is”, Haru said, nodding rapidly and Kou’s floral cap only look more ridiculous on himself. He was wearing Rin’s smallest t-shirt and his sleeveless hoodie, charmingly terrible and not suitable both to each other and to his own uniform pants (thank gods for that; Rin would have died if Haru wanted his pants as well). Rin had told him multiple times that he’d find something better for him, but Haru only shook his head, ridiculously stubborn, and said that those ones are perfect, besides, let’s go already. So they went.

Rin was wearing one of his legendary tanktops (this time he chose a tight-fitting one, then almost blushed himself to death, then thought ‘oh, fuck it’. Actually, ‘oh, fuck it’ was an inseparable part of his decision-making process) under a blue plaid shirt, black skinny jeans, perfect when you’re going swimming, and a patch on his left cheek. The last one was actually not a cool fashion accessory but a compulsory thing, because after moving all the useless books and magazines randomly left all over the house to the storage room, he found another guitar there. It was old and white from all the dust covering it, and Rin should know better than to dig it up, more than that!, he should have helped Haru instead of dabbling in the mess. But guitars were guitars, and as a true Matsuoka, when Rin saw one, he had to touch it. Except this time the guitar touched back, a quick, sensual stroke of its string that caused a pretty cut on Rin’s cheek. At least he got to have Haru disinfect it.

For a while they walked in silence, Rin sipping his coffee, Haru focusedly munching his custard bun. The bun’s smell was so pretty that Rin felt a small urge of his consciousness to eat it. And then Haru..

Or maybe it wasn’t even the bun’s fault.

He still wasn't sure. About the bun as well, yes, but mainly about… the thing. This time he couldn’t march in and say ‘Hi, my name sounds girly but I’m a dude!!’. And the fact he was too old for that wasn’t the only reason.

No matter how he despised that moment, the coffee bottle has gotten unpleasantly empty at some point, so he squeezed it in his bag. Maybe he should've bought a bigger one. Or two. Most of people wouldn’t probably buy it at all; why bother with konbini coffee if you can make your own or buy a thousands more times better in a coffee shop? But Rin’s financial situation was too pathetic even for the cup from that local cute and cosy coffee shop, not to mention the actual coffee, so he bought the konbini one, or even a coffee-flavoured milk drink, and pretended it wouldn’t taste better with three spoons of sugar thrown into it.

Haru had money. Haru could probably have lunch in the most expensive restaurant in town every day. But he didn’t, and lived on that stupid mackerel and rice, and probably had so much money that he could buy a fucking Kinkakuji, repaint it double-fucking blue and rebuild it into a triple-fucking aquarium.

Ooh, he’d love to be triple-fucked. Even once would be fine. Okay, was _one willing dick_ that wasn’t his own so much?

He frowned. He had better things to worry about than sexual frustration. It was the worst, yes, but there were worse things. Like him meeting with people that used to be his friends but now felt more like ‘the people who have witnessed the most embarrassing moments of your miserable life and still try to claim it’s fine by them, but in fact it’s not, and you kind of want to kick them and yourself at the same time’. ‘And also die’.

“Rin, your thought process is showing.”

Rin blinked and stopped. Haru was looking at him, unamused, from over his half-eaten bun and it seemed he took Rin’s silence for a ‘what?’.

“It looks like I’ve told you it’s going to be fine but you ignored me”, he said, pointing at Rin with the bun accusingly. “So I’ll say it again. It’s going to be fine. It w i l l be fine. I can’t believe I am the one telling you that.”

His tone in the last sentence wasn’t accusing at all; if Rin was to describe it and ignore hat Haru was Haru, he’d say Haru’s said it jokingly. But there was one thing he hated -- well, not the most, but really bad -- and it was people telling other people it will be fine. Especially when it wouldn’t be fine. It was only a bit better than ‘cheer up!’.

For some magical reasons -- a sudden invasion of aliens that give random people Abilities? Has Haru stolen the mind-reading thing from Makoto, or was it contagious? -- Haru seemed to pick up on that. “That is. I can’t tell you to act like you were twelve again”, he said and then looked at Rin as if he was going to say ‘Even though you still behave like that’. “But I just want to say no one here hates you. Rin. Or blames you for anything.”

“Stop that or I’m going to cry”, Rin muttered, trying to sound as dry and uninterested as he could get, but in fact, he could feel that wave of transparent jello piling up in his chest every time he was about to cry.

“Oh, feel free. I have a tissue somewhere”, Haru said seriously and -- oh, fuck him -- oh -- uh -- pulled out a tissue indeed. “See? From a mameshiba tissue-holder. ...wasn’t that your captain’s name?”

Rin looked at him with distaste. “Didn’t you like, beat him a few times in grade school?”

(Guys from his class, and even some underclassmen were calling him like that. Apparently some teachers also picked it up. Rin thought it was cute. He’d like to have a cute nickname.)

Haru just shrugged. “I don’t remember the names of all people I’ve beaten.”

Rin couldn’t. “You make it sound like there were many.”

“Is that a challenge?” It could have sound cool if Haru didn’t say it with his mouth full.

“No”, Rin replied. Haru frowned and went back to chewing. “How are we supposed to get there anyway? You’re not going to, like, march in like ‘Hi, I’ve skipped school, let me swim?’”

Haru finished the bun, chewed it aggressively and swallowed loudly. “Of course not. We’re going to go in through the fence. I’ve done it before. Here, I’ll show you.”

Rin wanted to point out that it wasn’t like he’s never climbed over a fence, and that it wasn’t so hard that anyone would need to see it first, but he noticed that Haru didn’t even take off his bag.

O-ho.

“See, that’s easy”, he said, “you just climb up like this…” Rin wanted to tell him that god, Haru, I fucking know how to climb, but he remained silent. “Aaaaaand then-- oh--”

“Haru-chan!”

Nagisa saw Haru trying to fight the fence, crawled out of the pool and ran towards the fence, naturally losing his speed. “Rin-chan! Haru-chan, what… oh…”

Nagisa parted his small lips into a surprised ‘o’ and watched his graceful friend trying to climb over the fence with a shoulder bag on. Five, maybe six steps away was Rin, staring at Haru with his eyes unmoving and a fascinated, kind of wild face. I must have been looking like a complete idiot, Rin thought later, but at the moment the person he was interested in the most was Haru.

Haru, whose bag was flipping him a metaphorical bird, sliding from his shoulder every three fucking seconds. Haru, who stubbornly pretended everything was under control. Nothing was under control.

Sadly for him, his one-man show was getting more audience.

“Haru, do you want… um, help? (Hi, Rin!)”

“I”, he drawled, “am entirely fine. Extremely.” And, as if trying to prove a point, he put his leg on the other side, tilting forward.

Gravitation took him in its loving arms.

Makoto gasped, raising his arms like a volleyball player ready to receive the ball, Nagisa only made a grimace that looked like a stress-induced grin, Ryugazaki moved as if he was trying to catch Haru (Good luck with that, thought Rin) and Kou just looked like someone who has witnessed so many various people falling from various surfaces in her life that she seriously didn’t care anymore (those people were her, Rin and apparently Chigusa). In other words, same old.

Haru froze for a while in that weird pose, only his hands keeping him from falling face down as his legs were a bit useless, one stuck in the fence and one bent uncomfortably.

“I am fine”, he repeated and slowly uncurled himself, “I told you I’d be fine. It was just a tactical mistake.”

Kou rolled her eyes, Nagisa giggled. “Haru-chan is cute!”

“I don’t understand what was cute in that”, Haru shrugged, took off the hoodie and folded it into his bag. ‘Everything’, thought Rin. ‘But also it was ridiculous. Who does that? But also cute.’

“Come on, Rin-chan!” Nagisa waved his arms, as if Rin was twenty, not two metres away. Makoto muttered something about opening the gate.

“You don’t trust me with that?”, Rin laughed. It was a weak laugh. A laugh of a colossal loser.

“I wouldn’t trust you with passing by a table”, Kou said as if she was presenting some trivia. Rin frowned bitterly, threw his bag over the fence (it landed softly with a nice quiet thud) and climbed over it in three steps. “Say that again?”

“Oh, such an acrobat you are”, she rolled her eyes, “I saw you bump into a table that was literally a metre away!”

Rin had no idea what was his sister trying to achieve with that, but whatever it was, she was failing. Normally, like, four years ago, he’d bicker with her a bit more and then laugh it off. Now he was red like Nakamura’s jammers and wanted to drown.

“Is it what having siblings looks like?”, Haru asked, untying his shoelaces. ‘Yes’, said Rin and Nagisa. ‘Not really’, said Makoto.

“Be thankful Rin-san doesn’t abuse his status as an older brother and doesn’t purposefully lose you in a supermarket”, Ryugazaki said miserably, playing with the strap of his goggles.

Kou looked at him, then at Rin. “Maybe it’s just me”, she said softly, “but oniichan looks exactly like someone I’d love to lose in a supermarket.”

“Do you have a trash bin here, or”, Rin muttered miserably, although he doubted anyone would hear him through Nagisa’s shrieking laughter.

 

* * *

 

He told Rin it would be fine. 

It was, but for Rin. Despite his worries, everyone loved him and didn’t hesitate to show it; Nagisa didn’t even let him start warming up and suggested -- ‘suggested’ -- a water volleyball match, Makoto out-apologised himself when he accidentally smashed the ball in his face (even though the ball was a regular beach ball and Rin must have really zoned out not to notice it and move away) and Rei offered to avenge him and gained a point. Even Amakata-sensei was cheering for his and Rei’s team; she said it was because it was a two-on-three match, so obviously the smaller team would need more cheering, but it was obvious she has taken a liking to him. Who wouldn’t, though. When she came back with her coffee, as Makoto explained her absence, everyone said hello and Rin was the only one who panicked and muttered a very miserable ‘oh no’. Kou, as a judge, had to remain unbiased, but she still did a small ‘yes!’ every time Rin or Rei scored a point. (Nagisa whined, but then Kou said that cheaters have no right to complain, so he tried to get more in play and scored a good one in Haru’s face).

That was fine, and Haru was happy for Rin.

The person he wasn’t happy for, though, was himself.

Because: there was staring at Rin during joint practice and thinking about how aesthetically pleasing his body was. Then there was t h i s.

During the last couple of days, he was with Rin almost all the time. It was like on the day of the relay, he’d received a new body part, just for sensing and processing Rin’s presence. So he was sensing it, and every day he soaked up in Rin’s way of speaking, moving, learned the sound of his laugh. He’d received a new body part or a block was taken away from his mind. Like a dam. His feelings were flowing freely.

And it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. He didn’t have thoughts like ‘Oh no, I can’t have feelings for a boy’ or ‘Feelings are stupid in general, to hell with them’, or some other thoughts people had in situations like that one. No, at this point he kind of liked feeling that way. Maybe he could say he was in love; he didn’t know and while thinking about Rin was nice, he wasn’t in the mood for analysing the nature of said thoughts. No, being with Rin made him feel warm and content, but full of attention at the same time. Rin was next to him, and yet he could feel him in his chest. Or maybe it was the heart, who knows.

The point was: Rin was beautiful. Looking at him, being with him was blissful, and all this beauty and bliss produced another thing starting with the letter B. A hard-on. And some very interesting thoughts as a bonus.

It was amazing how different his thoughts about half-naked, wet Rin were before and after the relay. Swimming really changed everything! Because before the relay, it was all like, wow, nice. I want to draw those abs. And touch. But after it was like a powerpoint presentation with a ‘Rin is so beautiful I want to touch him’ as the title and only pictures on next slides. And oh, those pictures. The thought of peeling that damn swimsuit off Rin and making out underwater was the most polite one. He wanted to look at Rin’s body, e n t i r e  body, not covered by anything, even socks, even though naked people in socks were kind of hot; so, look at his body and admire the fuck out of it, every part of Rin’s body deserved admiration, so he’d show it, maybe with kisses, and… how it was like to suck a dick?

“Haru!”, said Makoto.

“Yeah?”, said Haru.

“Pat”, said the ball, landing on his face. Haru looked at it, now flowing peacefully, blinked, realised a few things and shoved his face in the water.

“Haru?!”, Makoto shrieked in utter horror.

Crowds. Rotten, gross fish left in the over. Biology experiment during the second year of junior high. That huge dude with enormous spots falling from the stairs. Oh. Rin sitting on him and ohhhh Rin sitting on him naked. No! Nanase, calm the fuck down! Yes. Crowds. Crowds. Crowded trains in July. Gross, smelly salarymen. Who sweat.

Naked, wet Rin Matsuoka.

“I need to swim”, he said right after he emerged from the water -- it sounded a bit lispy as some water got into his mouth -- and swam away wildly without any explanation.

For the rest of the so-called bonding session he avoided bonding like someone paid him to do so, trying very hard to pay attention to swimming. That’s what other swimmers did, right? Moved their bodies so they’d swim the fastest. So he tried to improve, focusing on the smallest motions, but something was always off and he eventually gave up and swam just as he felt. He always swam the best when he wasn’t thinking about swimming; thoughts like ‘Water is so nice today’ or ‘I wonder if I could get tofu today’ were better. Nagisa was right back then during the festival and things really got easier  if you weren’t trying so hard. Or, if you do try, things do get harder. And at the moment, everything was hard.

The rest of the fun part of the practice seemed to last forever; Haru was swimming, resting and then swimming again (although slowly it stopped making sense, somehow) and the others were sending gazillions of balls into each other’s faces and calling ‘Out!’ when said ball hit Kou. One time Kou got angry and threw the ball at Rin so hard that even Nagisa gasped, but Rin seemed to get the subtle allusion and played like a good player with an injured nose until Kou said she was bored and suggested actual swimming. Levels of enthusiasm varied.

At some point Nagisa and Rei almost gave Rin a heart attack, and, Haru had to admit, they did it with little to no finesse, standing by the pool and whispering furiously until Makoto got out and asked them what’s wrong. Then they whispered in a trio, and with Makoto came dozens of glances as subtle as themselves, as in, to put it short, they pretty much stood by the pool and whispered ominously, staring at Rin like tourists at a famous monument and even pointing fingers (courtesy of Nagisa). Rin was a brave soldier and kept patient, but that finger sort of tore the thin line between Okay I Can Handle This and Explosion. He halted in the water, flailing awkwardly, tore off his goggles and just as awkwardly got out the pool. His face screamed ‘scared and uncomfortable’ so much that for some reason Haru wanted to shout.

“Um… is there something I…?”, Rin started and it was enough for Haru to look at him once to see that one wrong word would be enough to make him faint.

“N-nothing!”, said Rei passionately (and that passion could be observed on his face in a furious shade of red). Rin said “Okay” and looked like a very dying animal.

“Well, actually…”, Makoto started in his most calming voice and if he thought it would change anything, he was wrong. “The thing is, um. You know.”

Rin did not know. The explosion was near.

Haru looked at Rei, at Nagisa and Makoto, thought a bit and did the math. “I think Rei wants you to coach him.”

Rei made a noise as if he was about to sing an opera aria but changed his mind in the process, Nagisa grinned, Makoto made a troubled face and Rin turned into a pillar of salt. Friendship was beautiful.

Rin’s hand instantly went to his nape before he realised he doesn’t really have any hair he could play with there, so he reddened even more and went to playing with his goggles instead. It looked painful for the fingers. “Uh. Me?”

“There aren’t any Rin-chans out there, unless you mean Kagoshima Rin-chan from our class, but she’s in the volleyball club and from what I’ve heard she hates water”, said Nagisa helpfully. Rei shot him a look that was supposed to be deadly, as Haru assumed, but only looked like that ‘please don’t tell my crush that I like them’ one.

“I mean.. I’m not even that--”, Rin choked on ‘good’ and Haru had to admit, Nagisa could be pretty terrifying when he wanted to. “Okay, uh, but. I mean--”

“No, it’s me, I just don’t want to cause trouble, I’m really sorry!”

And so on.

After what felt like thirty minutes they finally got to a consensus, where Rin would coach and Rei would be coached and for quite a while Haru and others could watch an amazing comedy completely for free, where Rin would try to be cool and professional while being completely uncool and still a bit scarred and Rei would blush every time Rin touched him.

At first Rin was nervous -- really nervous and everyone could see it; how he stuttered on the easiest words and his hands were shaking, but soon Rei started to talk more about the theoretical part and Rin eventually regained the control, at least partially. Rin’s calm voice was soft and pleasant to hear and even though Haru wasn’t really interested in the angle of hands in butterfly, he rested on the rope and listened. At some point Kou joined in and they discussed some definition or other theoretic thing. When they talked together like that, Haru thought, it was really obvious that they were siblings. Some things were just obvious like that, like the way of raising eyebrows or that if you smile wide enough, your nose scrunches in a funny way. That was cute. Haru wanted to experience Rin being so carelessly cute once again, but he couldn’t just tell him, ‘Hey, tell me about books again’, could he? Same with ‘Hey, pay attention to me’. He wanted it, but couldn’t have it. Or: couldn’t say it. Not in that moment.

He raised his head. Makoto and Nagisa were sitting a bit on the right from Kou; when Makoto realised Haru’s looking at him, he smiled softly, as if he knew. But he couldn’t know. Could he? No. No, he probably only thought something cute. He couldn’t know that Haru was having that kind of thoughts.

He felt guilty and had no idea if this was right or not. It wasn’t jealousy, not per se. (On the other hand, Haru wasn’t sure. Just as he wasn’t sure if he was being in love. Being in love, having a crush, being attracted to, those were just words that called a state Haru was never in.) Haru didn’t think ‘I don’t want them to have Rin’s attention’. He was thinking ‘I want to have his attention as well’. It was that positive kind of jealousy, if something like that even existed. Like, ‘Wow you got this cool thing here, good for you’ and not ‘I hate you, please die’. Something like that.

But to be honest, it was a bit like… food. That is, you see a photo of a dish you’ve eaten before, and it was good, so obviously you think, ‘Hey, it was delicious, I’d eat it again’. Like this. He wanted to eat Rin. Metaphorically.

Or not.

He imagined floating behind Rin (they would be alone in the pool, maybe it would be a Samezuka pool but at this point any pool would do). He would swim close and put his hands on Rin’s shoulders. He had no idea why, but it would be nice; and then he’d kiss his nape. And then lick it. (Still -- he had no idea why. But he was floating in the pool, staring at the water absentmindedly, and hoping no one would realise that he was blushing slightly.) So he would lick his nape, in that sensual nice way, not that enthusiastic dog way, and maybe Rin would moan. Why not. Haru didn’t think it was necessary, or that not moaning is a bad thing; just. That was what he imagined. And unless Makoto was a mind-reader, he and his fantasies were safe.

 

For some reasons, Rin’s moan wasn’t his in Haru’s head. It was a default moan. A moan that people imagine when they think of a moan. Anyway, it would be that moment when he’d turn Rin around and kiss him fully on the mouth, and there would be tongue, even two if Rin joined the party, and then they’d hold hands (Rin’s general sappiness was infective?) and Rin would sit by the pool legs dangling in the water and how the hell did giving head feel like?

He felt his face grow really hot and he squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them, Rin was still madly charming, Rei was still looking at him like a hungry puppy looks at a sausage and Makoto was still smiling softly. Not at Haru, thank gods, but in the general direction of Rei and Rin. Haru would feel a bit bad if Makoto looked at him with that soft sweet smile while he was thinking about taking Rin’s penis in his mouth and pleasuring him. AKA, doing all those things people did in porn. Sucking, licking. Making lots of noise.

When Rei got out of the pool, he wasn’t advanced in all existing strokes and working on creating his own; that wasn’t something anyone could do in such a short time. He knew, though, what he was doing wrong, what was a bit faulty but could be fixed and what he did well. Also, he knew his hands were smaller than Rin’s -- it had less to do with swimming and more to do with Rin’s apparent fixation about being too big, as Kou politely explained (and gracefully avoided Rin’s kick, only to attempt the same vice versa and succeed).

Haru was pretty sure the day would end peacefully with them going out to some fast food thing and going back home (he was even a bit disappointed and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing), but, of course, no. At first he broke a record in passionately insisting on them going ahead to change (‘It’s fine, it’s cool, we’ll just, yeah, bye!’) and that wasn’t really the worst thing. It got a bit suspicious when he and Rei actually got into the changing room. Nagisa, being Nagisa, carelessly barged in, and instead of getting gently scolded or shooed away, as Rei would probably do (if it was Haru, he’d do nothing), well. Rei would, but he didn’t, as Rin simply screamed and threw Nagisa out.

It was a bit brutal way of phrasing this, but that was it. Nagisa didn’t seem to fully realise that as he practically bounced off Haru’s chest. Somewhere behind Haru, Kou inhaled sharply.

“Nagisa-kun?”, she asked, as if it was Nagisa’s doing, “What happened?”

“Dunno”, Nagisa shrugged, biting his lip, “I mean, we’re boys! What’s the difference between me and…” He blinked slowly and his eyes widened. “Ah! Is Rei-chan special in some way? Rin-chan, Rei-chan, what are you two doing there?”

“Fucking through a towel!”, Rin yelled, voice a bit higher than usually. A groan from Rei followed. Makoto made a face of a scandalised kindergarten worker and Kou rolled her eyes. Nagisa just muttered ‘Wow’. “So if you could leave…!”

Makoto very much could leave and it seemed he made it his priority. Nagisa whined a bit (‘But you promised you’ll go and eat with us, Rei-chan!’), Rei kept on replying in a muffled voice (‘I will, just go ahead! It’s just a small inconvenience that will be fixed in no time, please have fun!’) so eventually they went ahead in a bit stunned silence.

“What do you think it was about?”, Makoto asked after a while. He sounded worried. ‘Worried, but doesn’t want to think about fucking through a towel’.

Nagisa made a sound of intense thinking. “Maybe he’s one of those people who can’t stand people watching them when they’re doing things”, he said. “Like my sister. She got really mad last week when I walked on her doing make-up. She was so loud, it was horrible. So maybe that was that.”

This time it was Makoto who hummed. Haru thought about his parents. They could have an entire conversation like this. ‘Mm, mmmm?’ ‘M.’ ‘Mmmm, mm.’ It was sort of weird. If they could understand each other like that, then why couldn’t they understand their own child? Maybe it was different. Like how Makoto could read him, but couldn’t read Rei. Maybe it depended on who you are reading. Still, Makoto could read him in certain situations. Like, when they were eating out, he knew exactly what dishes Haru was looking at, but humming was a completely different thing. Sure, he’s learned to recognise some of his parents’ conversations (that one meant ‘Yui, do you love me?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘I love you too, Yui’ and was the most horrible thing eleven-years old Haru could hear) but some of them were improvised. Mm, mmmm mmmmmm mm m mmm? Mmm. Mmmmm? M, mmm.

“Um, Haru?”

“Yes?”, he answered. He wasn’t sure what was worse, those thoughts or thoughts of naked Rin.

“Oh”, Makoto sighed. “Nothing, it’s just… you looked. Nevermind.”

Haru decided not to comment.

“No, but”, Nagisa said, “Through a towel. Really. Why a towel? Why not--”

“Yeah, why a towel?”

Kou shrieked and they quickly found out why. Chigusa jumped on Kou from behind, probably in an attempt to receive a free piggyback ride, but, as it turned out, surprise piggyback rides weren’t the best idea and in result, Kou tripped and almost fell.

“Yeah, I love you too”, she sighed between Chigusa’s ‘I’m so sorry so sorry’. Nagisa was squealing joyfully in the background. “What are you doing here, though? I thought you finish in a hour…?”

“Yeah, but some third years have a field trip, so we just finished the work from yesterday and second year senpai told us to clean up and we were free to go. Why a towel, though?”

“Ask Rin-chan”, Nagisa giggled and shrugged. “Because he said he and Rei-chan were doing it through a towel.”

“Can we not”, Makoto whispered weakly.

“Doing a towe--”

“No, no. Doing it through a towel.”

“Can we really not…”

“He and Ryugazaki-kun?”, Chigusa repeated, furrowing her eyebrows. “He’s quick to change his interests.”

“Interests?”, Makoto said, even though it seemed he wanted to distance himself from this conversation as much as it was humanly possible.

Chigusa shot him a surprised look, leaned forward and pointed her chin at Haru.

“Is that so”, he said stagnantly and felt his insides boil. Boil until they’re overcooked and fall apart, then mend in one big puddle of goo. Of course it wasn’t like he was unaware; sometimes in grade school he though Rin was even more eager to express his affections than Nagisa, and that was something; or that he was looking at him in that weird way a second too long, like a child looking at its mother preparing dinner. Back then Haru felt like said dinner and it was weird, creepy. And then Rin changed and instead of sweet looks, there was some unknown fire in his eyes, like when he pinned him to that fence or tugged his goggles that first night; their faces were so close that Haru, as a child brought up on good movies and bad literature, thought for a split second that Rin would kiss him. Maybe Rin was just that kind of person whose idea of personal space was a bit different from the others’, just like Nagisa. Except when Nagisa was close, it was different; nice, he supposed, like he had a little brother. When Rin was close, or touching him, or just around, it was sensual and felt like there were millions of thin needles under his skin, and it wasn’t unpleasant at all, more like, needle-y and buzzing.

But on the other side, maybe it wasn’t Rin’s doing. Maybe it was him perceiving Rin like that.

How was he supposed to know?!

Meanwhile, there was a situation happening.

“Well, Hana-chan, I don’t really think Rin is interested in Haru, like…. that way”, Makoto scratched his nose, something he did every time he was in an uncomfortable situation. Haru thought of that Cato dude. ‘Also I think we shouldn’t talk about it.’

“Really? I think that part when he sort of wrapped himself on Nanase-senpai was pretty suggestive”, Chigusa said, batting her eyelashes. Haru thought it was a well-aimed shot, as it seemed Makoto had a tiny crush on her after that festival -- but then Makoto had tiny crushes every fifteen minutes. Haru had already lost count about the girls Makoto was too shy to talk to in secondary school.

“That was because of emotions, wasn’t it?”, Makoto added, unconvinced, “Besides, it wasn’t that kind of a hug… I’ve seen more….. intimate.”

“Oh, you’re right there”, Chigusa nodded. Haru didn’t know her well, but even so he could say she was about to say something big. “I’ve seen them too. There was a programme about aquariums in tv on the other day and there was such a cool octopus…!”

A few beats passed; then Makoto groaned painfully and Nagisa shrieked from joy. “Nice one!”, he laughed. Chigusa bowed beautifully. “Oh!!! Rei-chan!!”

He jumped and waved his hands enthusiastically, almost elbowing Chigusa in the face; indeed there was a Rei running towards them and trying to fix his backpack at the same time; results were mixed. Rei ran, ran, crossed the road and finally caught up to them -- and there was no Rin with him. Why? Has he forgotten something? Or decided that he didn’t want to go back with them? It made no sense, but Haru felt as if his lungs suddenly lost their volume. They shouldn’t have left him and Rei like that. Maybe something bad happened. Maybe Rin was hurt. Maybe--

“Where’s Rin-chan?”, Nagisa asked as soon as Rei approached them. Haru wanted to kiss his nose.

“Whe--"

Rei turned around, seemingly expecting Rin to be behind him. “Oh, gods. I can’t believe.” He rolled his eyes and shook his head, sighing deeply. It’s too dramatic even for him, Haru thought. Rei put hands on hips, frowning. “You’ll see. He told me it’d just take a minute. You’ll see.”

They saw.

First there was Rin, then a girl with a puppy. Rin walked backwards, talking to the girl lively, and it was quite surprising he managed not to trip. The girl laughed, then picked up the puppy, waved and walked away in a direction known only to her. Rin waved as well, though it seemed he did it either to her back or to the puppy, and crossed the street without even looking around.

Rei opened his mouth with condemnation, but said nothing.

Haru could swear there was a smile on Rin’s face, but when he came closer, there wasn’t any trace of it left. A large strand of hair fell on his forehead and he looked like an older version of Kou with additional muscles and Haru felt an overwhelming urge to smile. Rin was doing weird things to his organism.

“Sorry, I got--”

“Lost in the eyes of that cutie?”, Nagisa finished, grinning. Rin’s eyes widened and for a while he himself looked like a puppy.

“She was so tiny, right?”, Rin said, smiling a bit; his voice was high again, but not in that disturbing manner like before. Now it could be compared to a voice of an excited child. Makoto looked at Chigusa triumphantly. “I even have some photos. I mean, some of them are blurry, because she was moving around so much, but… here.” He showed his phone to whom was the closest; Kou gasped and covered her eyes, Nagisa screamed, Makoto made a weak sound. “Uh… you sure you’re fine, though….?”

Nagisa’s behaviour didn’t really confirm that as he started screaming in the front of Rei’s shirt, Kou, though, put her hands away and muttered ‘I want thirty’ weakly. Rin nodded, as if that was the exact reaction he expected from his sister, and after a moment of hesitation he showed the screen to Haru, dropping his gaze to his shoes. Haru suddenly felt like asking Hey, are you interested in me like that?

Haru didn’t expect anything other, but he still smiled softly when he saw it. The puppy was probably a golden retriever or something of that sort and on a photo it looked even smaller than in reality. And it was yawning.

“Cool”, he said quietly and raised his head, because just as he said it, he realised ‘Cool’ might have been a bit of an unfitting comment to a photo of a cute puppy. What he got instead of a frown was eye contact. No, really; Rin’s eyes met with his and for a while he couldn’t breathe. Rin’s face was soft, his lips curved into the tiniest of smiles (or maybe it wasn’t a smile at all?) and if not the smile and the surroundings, Haru would say his dream came true. Kind of. Partially. Rin was looking at him with that unexpected softness in his eyes, yes, but there was no riding.

Ping!, said Haru’s brain and both he and Rin looked away, probably blushing.

Reminiscing a wet dream in front of the person included in it, in a public place, was truly the best idea of the century.

 

 

* * *

 

Okay, Ryugazaki Rei was something.

First of all, he didn’t panic -- although that might have been because Rin has already helped him out at that, filling his daily quota of swearing in the meantime. And has shut up only when he’s started hyperventilating. No, instead he literally put his jeans on, like Rin was three and not sixteen, all while listing him his list of injuries. As expected, he was that kind of a guy who looked all cool and graceful until he opened his mouth. Or there was a tree in front of him.

Well, and then he said that ‘ah, and three months ago I almost drowned’, blissfully unaware, and then had to start the party all over again, but still Rin would give him a solid B for effort.

Still he felt a bit… no, a bit would have been the biggest understatement of his life; he felt horribly awkward, even ashamed in Ryugazaki’s presence and even though he gave up his place in the relay -- the relay, the one he worked his ass off for -- for him, Rin still felt-- maybe not inferior, although that as well, but mostly really unsure and he still had a feeling Ryugazaki might have been a replacement for him. Because, really. He was almost a year younger, but he was smart (apparently, but hey), handsome (as fuck) and Nagisa was crazy about him. Of course there might have been a chance that Haru and the others didn’t choose him as their friend because of his stunning legs and cute ass, but still. Ryugazaki was kind, ambitious and probably the cutest thing to ever exist around girls. Rin was a grouchy, moody and angry homosexual, jealous about all the girls because they were cute and could wear dresses. And fuck boys. He wasn’t even sure if he was actually gay or just a girl. Mom had a boss-friend that had been apparently born as a boy but started identifying as a girl during grade school. And after flipping a bird on everyone, including her parents, ran away home to some small town by the seaside and opened a gay bar. And always let little Rin play with her hair.

(Some girls in Australia have told him he had a cute face, but that was in Australia and they were white -- and white boys could kill a man with their chin and dig a grave with their jaw. And even if he did like that boss of his mom’s, he suspected he’d be the ugliest girl in the world.)

Rin sighed under the towel and rubbed his eyes. Ryugazaki was probably very straight, very mentally stable and very sure of his gender identity. And even if he wasn’t straight, he would be that kind, calm gay dude people love, not some monstrosity that screams at people and sucks at guitar.

Water washed out the hair mousse and that annoying strand of hair was falling between his eyes no matter how many times he fixed it. He was so nervous over going to Iwatobi that he forgot to take the mousse or even some hairclips, or a hairband. When he was younger, Kou noticed that with a hairband, he looked like Ritsu from K-ON!. She put her hair in twintails and said ‘Then I’m Azusa’, except she really was good at playing guitar. The peak of his drumming abilities was fooling around with pencils in class.

So now, Kou had amazing hair and could play the guitar and her gay brother had the worst hair ever and couldn’t even play five chords. And there was that leg. Well, the leg was the result of a separate problem, but still, it definitely wasn’t something he could be proud of. Or something he could use as a… dick magnet? Can’t play guitar and has mental problems. Relatively good traits: can swim and speak languages. Even assuming Haru would magically turned gay, he still wouldn’t chose Rin with such qualities. Maybe if he was slimmer. Oh. Ryugazaki was slimmer. Haru could date him. They would look nice together. Dark hair, slender, quiet and cool. Well, not really cool, but Haru would teach him not to be such an outstanding failure in the pool and paint him, and they would probably go out running, and

“Are you alright?”

A hand on his shoulder. It felt strange and weird; a bit like first days of not wearing a ring after wearing it for a long time. It felt like -- there should be something, and you feel that something on your finger, but it’s not there -- so it wasn’t really like that, but it was a feeling of a similar sort. Confusion and that funny ‘What is going on?’ in your head.

He turned around and even though he knew it was Ryugazaki (who else, really?), he felt a bit surprised. Usually he was more or less oriented and it wasn’t like it took him five minutes to realise, for example, that the teacher was speaking to him, but from time to time there was this state where he was just too busy being pathetic to react quickly. So turning around and looking at Ryugazaki took him way longer than it should have.

Ryugazaki frowned and swallowed. Is it really that bad?, Rin thought.

“I’m sorry if I’m being rude, and… and if it’s uncalled for, but. You seem tired. That is!”, he winced and blushed, “That is, inside. If it makes sense. So....”

Rin stared at him for a while. Normally he would say: he looked at him. But that was staring, that hollow way of staring when you do that because you can’t, or are too lazy to, turn your head. He’d heard of people looking in each other’s eyes and finding understanding. Rin looked in Ryugazaki’s eyes and found irises. And pupils. Worried irises and pupils, but nothing more. Nothing that would say ‘ay dude, I know the feel, I’m thinking about death and fucking my friends every five minutes, here, have a comforting blowjob’.

He sighed softly; in fact it wasn’t even a proper sigh, just a sad exhale.

“Bad hair day”, he muttered. Ryugazaki looked at him like mom half a year ago when he was trying his old clothes and accidentally said, ‘I’m getting fat’. It was the look of ‘what the fuck, child’.

Ryugazaki shook his head. “I can wash them for you again. Honestly”, he looked at him critically, “I can’t believe what I’m saying, but are you relying solely on shampoo and hair mousse with your hair care?”

Rin ignored that question. “You’d get late.”

Ryugazaki looked at him as if he had just told a mediocre joke. “I am skilled with dealing with hair. As you see, mine are in perfect condition!” He pointed at his head, as if ‘hair’ wasn’t specific enough. “Also, it’s ‘we’re’. Are you going to leave Haruka-senpai and your sister?”

“I think Haru can manage to eat by himself pretty well. Same for my sister. They don’t really need me”, he said and winced. Instead of sounding cool, he made himself look like a pretentious self-proclaimed loner. Who’s in fact screaming for attention all the time.

Ryugazaki looked at him with disgust and urged him towards the showers. “Here, put this on”, he said, handing him a big, vividly purple towel. Rin raised his head to reply, but Ryugazaki -- he couldn’t believe this kid -- pushed his head down, took the towel and tied it around his hips.

“I look even more ridiculous, thank you”, Rin muttered angrily. And pathetically, probably.

“Try changing into wet and cold swimsuit then. Or getting your jeans wet”, Ryugazaki replied coldly. “Speaking of, they’re a great choice. Perfectly emphasized your legs.”

“This is the exact reason why they’re a bad choice”, Rin said and that was when Ryugazaki turned on the shower. The water was so cold that Rin shuddered; but nothing besides that. He was too tired (both internally and externally) to move.

Ryugazaki’s hands in his hair were gentle and his shampoo had a pleasant but indescribable and Rin felt a bit like in a hair salon. A weird hair salon where you have to die a ridiculous huge towel around your hips, but a hair salon nonetheless. When was the last time he was at one? He wasn’t really sure; probably in grade school. Later in Australia when his hair has gotten too long he tried to trim it himself, but then Lori walked in and probably stopped the biggest tragedy in his fashion life. And from that moment on, she cut his hair every time he needed it.

Oh gods, Lori.

“Your hair is really beautiful, Rin-san”, Ryugazaki said, working his hands like a professional hairdresser, “So soft and light. Mind if I ask what do you do to achieve such effect?”

“I… happen to wash them from time to time”, Rin answered after a while. Ryugazaki kept on washing his hair with unchanged gentleness, in an utterly offended silence. “Um. Was it rude?”

The silence grew even more offended, then vanished. “Well, first of all, I think you could have replied properly.”

Rin sighed (and some water got into his nose when he inhaled after that). “Ryugazaki. Son. Kid. Whatever”, he started, standing straight, “As you see, I’m a mental fuckup with a bad hair day AND my favourite band has announced a gig right after I realised I’m kinda broke, so like. If you could. Not--”

Ryugazaki sighed deeply (so deeply that Rin wouldn’t be surprised if he had sighed out his lungs) and pushed Rin’s head back under the stream of water. Rin choked a bit, but said nothing as Rei washed his hard a bit less gently than before. Then he washed off the shampoo, turned the shower off, tore the towel from Rin’s hips and put it on his head.

Rin was about to say he could pretty much dry his hair himself, but he decided not to.

“What band was that, if I may ask, or, receive a normal reply?”, Ryugazaki asked carefully after moving his hands in the same way in the same place for over a minute.

“I don’t think you know them”, Rin replied. That was true; but the real reason was: he absolutely hated talking about his tastes. “It’s… probably not your genre. If you listen to music at all. You look like a Chopin kind of guy.”

Ryugazaki sighed shakily through his teeth. “You know”, he said and the way of it reminded Rin of Hermione Granger, “I am actually starting to wonder if it’s hard to drown a person under a shower.”

Rin clicked his tongue. Corners of his mouth suddenly felt heavy. “You could use the pool for better effect, but you know…” He looked at Ryugazaki over his shoulder -- or at least attempted to, because his vision was half-covered with the towel. “You look like someone who could drown themself in a puddle. I think drowning someone else wouldn’t be a problem.”

Ryugazaki Rei, aged 15 (fifteen) fucking slapped his fucking ass.

“What the fuck, dude?!”

Rin turned around, but the towel on his head sort of ruined the dramatic effect by sliding on his face. Before he fixed it, Ryugazaki moved away by a few steps. Smart kid.

“I didn’t know you fancy the BDSM stuff”, Rin scoffed. He fancied the BDSM stuff.

“I”, Ryugazaki drawled, “fancy manners. And discipline.” So like, BDSM stuff, Rin thought. “My brother is a quite well-known jazz musician and I’m not just as well-known as him solely because--”

“Because you walk around slapping people’s asses?”

Ryugazaki screamed. He let out a long, high-pitched scream that could either make someone die from fear or die from laughing. Rin was leaning towards the second option. Ryugazaki was now smart, handsome, cute-assed and funny.

“Why are you doing this”, Ryugazaki said. There was no question mark; it was the question-non-question asked by someone who is dead inside.

“Told you”, Rin replied in a similar manner, “I’m a human version of ramen left in the bowl overnight and I poison the world with my anger.”

“No, I’m pretty sure you’re just fooling around”, Ryugazaki shook his head, “Before I made friends with Nagisa-kun, I would use every opportunity to talk to someone, and because that kind of behaviour might be overwhelming, the result was quite the opposite from what I planned. So while I--”

“Well, I’m fucking sorry b-but I didn’t really have time to make friends ‘cause I was too busy cutting.”

Ryugazaki inhaled sharply and his hand flew up to cover his mouth, but he only hit himself in the nose. Maybe five minutes ago Rin would find it funny and maybe he would even laugh. Now he didn’t; he realised, instead, that his face has probably gone red, he felt the heat in his cheeks, What the fuck, what the fuck, I’m not going to cry because of that; and then he realised seconds ago he was perfectly calm, making dumb jokes and trying to piss Ryugazaki off, and now he felt like crying, or screaming, or stomping (he’s never grown out of it) and he wasn’t even sure if it was because of him -- the deepest him, the essence of the human being called Rin Matsuoka -- or because of those stupid hormones. He wasn’t sure and he didn’t care at that point; and maybe that was what really got him, like a thin taut thread in his mind finally snapped. Snapped. Always in Ryugazaki’s presence, and if Rin had some hope left, he’d start wondering if Ryugazaki wasn’t a demon or something like that, but now he was sure. It was all his own doing and he hated himself, his messy mind and body and that one fucked up the other, and getting older than ten years old was a grave mistake, no, six, and-- actually, being born was a mistake.

“Oh my god-- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-- Rin-san? Are you alright?”

Ryugazaki groaned helplessly; theoretically Rin could hear and understand what he was saying, but it was like listening to a song in French: even if he managed to hear and separate the words, they left his mind like water filtered through a sieve. What did it all have to do with Rin? Nothing. Probably nothing.

Right now, he wanted to sleep.

Ryugazaki tugged him towards the changing room and sat him on a chair; he probably put a towel on his shoulders, but Rin wasn’t sure if it was the wet or a new one.

“Rin-san, I’m really terribly sorry, I shouldn’t have said that and it was so rude and disrespectful-- Oh my god. Oh my god, please tell me you’re breathing!”

He put his hands on Rin’s cheeks, like Rin was a child. Children around the world should have felt offended by that. Was he breathing? He took a weak breath through the mouth. Oh, no.

Ryugazaki brushed the hair from his face with a shaking hand, just like mom used to do when he was a kid; except mom also used to kiss him on the nose and call him her little dumpling, and then he would laugh and everything was alright again. This time he wasn’t sure even that would help, and.

!

A strand of hair fell between his eyes. He opened his mouth in a surprised ‘o’.

And that was it, frankly; Ryugazaki said something in that gracefully troubled tone of his when he leaned forward, hiding his face in hands, but Rin didn’t know what exactly; he muttered ‘Oh my god’ once again and did something that could be compared to the most awkward hug in the world history. He stroked his hair slowly and it seemed he couldn’t decide whether he should say ‘Oh my god’ or ‘Rin-san’, but in the end, he decided on none of the above and they sat in silence.

“I”, Ryugazaki said finally, voice a bit shaky, “am really sorry. I shouldn’t-- I shouldn’t have said that. I had no right, I-- I don’t think it’s enough, I-I was judging you without even thinking and I’m sure what I’ve gotten through is nothing compared to you, but…” The pause was so long that Rin had time to wipe his face and look slightly up. “I… I-I’m gay.”

Three. Three scars. Almost invisible, three small lines, only a tiny bit lighter in colour than Ryugazaki’s skin. Completely different than Rin’s.

“No”, he said, and because his voice was hoarse and tired, it was almost inaudible. “No”, he repeated, “I am sorry. And…”, he stroked Ryugazaki’s forearm, feeling all three scars under his fingertips, “I guess you can call me senpai.”

Ryugazaki blinked, cheeks flushed. And then:

“I would rather not!!”, he shrieked, standing up, and he walked away, muttering something about how impossible it was of Rin to joke about such things.

“It’s all I can do, though”, he said, shrugging. “Also what’s cool in crying all day if you can ask your sister to play noughts and crosses.”

This time Ryugazaki screamed and threw a towel.

“Does… does this mean she knows?”, he asked when he calmed down.

“Well”, Rin shrugged as if it was nothing. Pretending things that made him cry for hours were nothing was his specialty. “When I returned from Australia for the second time she was so eager to see my muscles that she sort of, pulled my pajama pants down…?” Ryugazaki sounded like a dying animal. “Hey, it was late and she was very tired, okay?”

Ryugazaki shook his head.

“You all are very tired”, he said.

 

* * *

 

“Oooooo-kay, who wants what?!”, Nagisa shouted, almost falling from the chair.

“If I’m supposed to sit next to you, I’d like my ramen with extra noodles and stoppers.”

Nagisa moaned, ultimately offended. Chigusa snorted and started choking, because her tea has gotten into her nose.

“And booze”, Rin added, shaking his head at Chigusa. Nagisa ordered everything with a little help from Makoto (which actually meant ‘I want this, and Mako-chan… what do you want, Mako-chan? And Haru-chan? And Rin-chan?’ and so on) and Rin was playing with his cup. His big hands looked adorable on that tiny cup -- or the tiny cup looked adorable in his big hands -- and Haru wondered if Rin would put his hands on his as well. It was so teeth-rottingly romantic that Haru was fairly sure Rin would. If he really was interested in him. If he was, well.

In fact, Haru had exactly no idea what would he do with that.

Normally people confessed, right? It felt really tiring. It required effort. Rin would probably want something… nice. And Romantic. And most probably pink. To be honest, Haru didn’t really want to confess; it would be really easier if he could just be with Rin, and if all that being interested was obvious to them both. Friends to lovers, so on. Rin was different. Rin was…

“Speaking of, party boy”, Chigusa said after she’d wiped her mouth and stopped coughing, “The wedding. Is kind of, sooner than you’d think.”

“Wedding!”, Nagisa repeated, stopping in the middle of saying his order and Makoto, sighing, finished it for him.

“I didn’t know it was happening at all?”, Rin frowned and Haru felt something hot in his stomach. I didn’t know you could to such things with your eyebrows, he thought hopelessly.

“Well, actually”, Kou brushed her hair aside, “we wanted to tell you so you could, like, help or what, but then someone barged in with their money and--”

“Kou.”

“And basically, after lots of negotiations that didn’t help us at all, and after lots of screaming that also didn’t help us but at least mom felt better, well, this Saturday.”

Rin blinked. At first he was frowning, but as Kou talked, his frown became softer and eventually vanished. Now his face was pure and calm, but also disturbingly similar to the faces of those people who listen to someone talk real bullshit, ask ‘Oh yes, is that so?’ and then, as they call it, the party starts.

“Oh”, he said. And then: “Wait, what?!”

A man behind the counter looked at him quickly, but because Rin did no other harm to public peace, he went back to his business. Nagisa was still squealing about weddings until Rei asked him if he ever was to one. ‘Well, no, but weddings are cool, okay?’

“Yeah”, Kou sighed while Chigusa made a disgusted face behind her. The man behind the counter frowned. “It was supposed to be last month, so we could prepare everything and stuff, but… I don’t really know the details, but it was either now or never. Room renting stuff or what.”

“Who would want to rent a--”

“Richer people? From Tokyo, probably. Have a cheap party and go to the beach, or something like that, no idea. Anyway, the boss loves us but she kind of has to. Take those city boys, that is.”

Rin sighed deeply and rested his head on his hand. It made his cheek look really soft and… squishable. And kissable. Haru imagined kissing Rin on his cheeks when he pouted. ‘Grandma, watch over me’, he thought. ‘I’m losing control.’

“Wedding!”, yelled Nagisa loud enough and Rin turned to him, “Rin-chan, will you wear a suit?!”

“Swimsuit? Most probably”, Chigusa grinned and Nagisa threw his head back, laughing loudly.

“Nice! Sounds Rin-channy!” Rei rolled his eyes. “But hey, why didn’t you tell us?! Or you, Kou-chan? Your mom’s fiance must be cool!”

Rin exhaled slowly, Kou grinned weakly. Rei (why Rei? Did he knew?) bit his lower lip.

“Well, I think that’s the…”, Makoto trailed off, looking for a word, and almost knocked off the bowl of ramen when he received it. For a while they ate, only breaking the silence to praise the food. “I mean”, he said finally, “You-you probably won’t call him ‘Dad’, right…?”

Rin swallowed his tea, but Kou was faster.

“No, for some reasons she insists on ‘Nina’.”

Makoto blinked. “Nina? It seems like a girly name.”

“Well, obviously.”

For a while Makoto just stared at her. Nagisa turned his head, chewing like a hamster, then swallowed and joined the staring fest. Then, Makoto’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth; if Haru could play the trumpet, he’d play something joyful. Like ‘tatata-tata, you won!’.

“She’s a…. a woman?”

Kou threw her arms up in the air triumphantly. Makoto’s ‘is that so’ drowned in Nagisa’s howl of joy and Rei’s ‘Anyway, congratulations! I’m really happy for you!”.

While Nagisa was happily disturbing the (so-called) peace, asking Kou about further details of the wedding (‘Two dresses? Like, seriously, two dresses?! Oh my god, take me with you!’ to which Kou replied, ‘Well, jump in, actually it’s less like a wedding wedding and more like a wedding party in a club, to be honest’), Rei turned to Makoto and said something to him -- it looked like starting a conversation with ‘Delicious, right?’ only to talk about something else right after.

Rin, on the other hand, was looking into his bowl as if he expected to find the answer to all mysteries of the world there. He jumped slightly when Haru said his name.

“Are you okay?, Haru asked quietly. “I mean, about them knowing.”

Rin looked at him for a moment; it seemed he was thinking about what to say. “I don’t know”, he muttered finally. “I mean, they would eventually find out, but. It’s mostly about Kou and Chigusa. Not everyone… reacts like you do.”

“Nagisa seems pretty excited by that”, Haru shrugged, but softly; he didn’t want Rin to think he didn’t care about what worried him. “I think he cares more about the dresses that the fact there will be two brides, Rei…”

“He’s okay”, Rin said. “It’s just. Makoto. I mean. It’s nothing bad, and probably I’m overreacting or something, I don’t know, just. His family. Looks traditional, and.”

“And besides, we’re next!"

For a moment Rin looked at Haru like it was him who said that; then, he closed his eyes and muttered ‘oh god’ like someone who has suffered for ages and now, instead of promised rescue, gets even more pain. Haru felt sorry for him; he couldn’t imagine what was it like, but he knew it was something big and difficult and probably horrible, judging by how Rin almost fainted when he thought Haru realised he was gay -- but he also wanted to kiss him. Which made him think if he himself wasn’t gay. Maybe for Rin. He’s never felt so strongly towards anyone.

‘Haru-chan, control yourself’, said the voice in his head that was disturbingly similar to his grandma’s.

Nagisa was bouncing on his seat, torn between squealing and repeating ‘Even more dresses!’, Rei was trying to pat him into rationality with mixed results; Makoto was talking to Kou with discomfort on his face slowly melting into understanding. Rin took a quick glance and seemingly decided not to turn around and he ate glumly, facing Haru.

“Well, I’m glad you’re happy, anyway”, Makoto smiled shyly, playing with his chopsticks, “And… it seems all of you will end up with a lovely wife.”

The atmosphere grew tense with anticipation, like they were on a festival waiting for the fireworks to start. Rin sat straight and Haru knew; he knew at this exact moment and he’s never been more certain in all his life. It hit him like the alcohol in champagne on Nagisa’s birthday, sparkling and sweet. He was so, really, eternally gay for Rin Matsuoka.

“About that…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Okay! Before I forget! Because I did, three times: THANK YOU not only for reading, but also for LEAVING COMMENTS! They really make me the happiest person in the world and reading them again helps me motivate myself to write more (yes, it works!). I am eternally thankful for your support for this fic. *hugs you all*
> 
> Edit: Chigusa's 'Gasp, homosexuals' and further on was a ref to 'But I'm a cheerleader'. Main heroine walks into two guys making out, screams and gets one of them expelled and the other -- isolated. Kaoru the wrestler is both a living person and a character from Murakami's novel 'After Dark' and this is why I used her there. 
> 
> AN ACTUAL EDIT, made ~3 hours after posting: I think I've never mentioned that before. This fic is tagged 'Mental Health Issues'. Theoretically, whether Rin canonically has or doesn't have depression is still unclear, even though in anime like Free! almost everything is unclear. There was a post listing ten symptoms and testing if Rin fits them or not, but I think depression is that kind of a disorder that affects people differently and you don't have to put ✔ next to each every symptom to know _for sure_ that you're depressed. Anyway -- in this case, it doesn't matter because for me it's rather obvious that if it isn't depression, it certainly is _something_. This fic has been written shortly before the start of the second season because I felt something wasn't really right with how kyoani decided to portray post!reunion Rin. What I've been hoping the most for in s2 was Rin slowly learning to be friends with Haru and the others again (but i've also expected 24 episodes, and, uh,), what I got was 'grade school!Rin who grew up'. And a monstrous time skip.
> 
> I wanted something that would show the dynamic between Rin and Haru without focusing solely on the romance, making everything look like Rin was just an asshole all along (and besides that, perfectly fine) or making the boys know exactly what they want. Being a teenager is a one big mess that lasts way too long and makes you fuck up lots of things. I am that person whose picture of a character and their feeling about them melt into one after a while, so, being fed up with OOC Rins (aggressive Rins, extremely manly bro Rins, no homo Rins and fuck off Gou Rins), I wrote this fic. At first I was going to only go with gay Rin with an unspecified mental disorder, but then I thought about lots of things, had a few realisations and decided to personalise this Rin a bit. I hope he won't seem like an OC though.
> 
> What I've meant to say through this overly long rant is, I'm pretty sure at least 45% of what Rin has thought in this fic is something I have though sometime in my life. During the last twelve months, even. I've had two 'oh damn its bad' periods in my life where for a couple of months there wasn't a day when I wouldn't think about dying. First was during second year of junior high and faded slowly during the holidays when I was excited for a trip to England, the second one started last year but its strongest phase happened from February to June this year. I was absent almost all the time, my average was the worst I've ever had and, well, I cried all the time and my one small scar got two new friends. Naturally I was sure I had a depression -- who wouldn't, though -- and I was pretty shocked when it just vanished with a trip through Europe, holidays and second season of Free!. (Yes, s2 was one of my excuses not to die. Weak, I know) One of the first things I've learned about depression, though, was that it doesn't just vanish like an ordinary cold, so instead of two depression episodes I ended up with two ???s. Either way, those ???s are what I use as... I won't say inspiration, okay? _Reference_ to writing Rin. And let me tell you: it looked exactly like this. Jumping from sleeping too few to sleeping all day, intense panic + crying as a bonus when I had to go to school (my mother was the epitome of 'I' disappointed in you', so then I cried from guilt), crying because of the silliest thing... that was what it looked like. I dare to doubt it was just because of hormones, if I may.
> 
> So. Just so you know I don't use the Twilight saga or something equally ridiculous for psychological reference. This is also my take at 'Let's make character X seem more human' (or perhaps -- more adapted to my tastes). Hence, Rin is not waiting patiently for his only true love to come and love him; he fantasizes about his crush, feels guilty, masturbates, feels guilty about masturbating, obsessively wants to get laid already and... you guess what. And this is only the beginning. Basically, this is gonna be a wild ride through gender and sexuality stuff and Rin is NOT going to end up cis, harusexual and forever happy. I know that sounds optimistic, but please know that I won't kill anyone off.
> 
> Thank you for reading this colossal chapter folowed by this colossal end notes! ✿


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YELLS
> 
> sorry for the caps, but! HERE I WANTED TO POST THIS EARLIER SAYING 'MERRY CHRISTMAS HAVE THIS PIECE OF EMBARRASSMENT!' BUT I ENDED UP POSTING IT NOW, AND I HAVE TO SAY 'HAPPY NEW YEAR, THIS IS WHAT I HOPE THIS FIC WON'T LOOK LIKE ANYMORE IN 2015!!'
> 
> fuck everything.
> 
> No, really, I have a big feeling that if I worked a tiny ass bit harder, I could have uploaded it even earlier than Christmas. And I feel like a BAD (Michael Jackson's 'BAD' font here) person because I've said like a hundred times on twitter that I wll update today!! woops, I didn't , but today I am going to do it, for sure!! And I ended up not. Extremely uplifting thing at the end of December, won't you say.
> 
> But, hey, have at! This chapter contains: the amount of teenage drama exceeding the amount of drama in BRAVO photostory, bad sex, Rin being so sad that it ends gore-ish AND I DON'T MEAN SELF-HARM, and Kaede. Yeah, I took that poor dude from first Free! art and made him a jolly homosexual. Enjoy the show, or not, I know I hecked up, but. You'll see later. If you can take all this unedited text with no formatting, he he.

Haru was restless. Even after they finished eating, even when they went to Rei’s and listened to jazz, he was restless.

Rei’s brother was a jazz musician who sometimes dropped by -- like when he wanted Rei do store something for him, or just wanted to see if his brother is still alive, or (before Rei said that, Haru had no idea you could roll your eyes with your voice) when he’s been dumped by a girlfriend. Because of that, there were plenty of his favourite CDs and CDs of his band; ‘They’re rather unpopular, but they’ve managed to sell enough to keep on playing seriously… Makoto-senpai, you really don’t have to look so sorry, I know most teenagers don’t listen to jazz’.

At some point -- because they spent quite lot of time there -- Rin has fallen asleep. Rei nudged Nagisa softly so he would move and give him access to the player to take the CD out. Nagisa groaned and muttered something about jazz having somnific properties, but set the bowl of snacks back and moved. Haru thought he was right; sitting and doing nothing besides listening to music made him a bit sleepy. Jazz wasn’t exactly his kind of music, the tracks were good but he forgot one right after another started and they all melted into one jazzish mess, but it gave him the occasion to sit and think about Rin, not bothered by anyone but Nagisa trying to eat snacks quietly and making lots of noise in result.

Back then, five months ago -- was it really five months? -- when they met for the first time since Rin got back to Japan for good. When Rin emerged from the shadows, he seemed cold; everything about him seemed cold, his skin, eyes, hair. Shadows on his face made his features look sharper and later at home Haru thought about how his body was the epitome of vitality, and yet his face was tired and dead-looking. Back then Haru figured out Rin must have worn three masks that night. The first one was the first one he’s seen, that face of a sixteen year boy with eyes of a tired adult man. That was both a mask and an armour, or a cuticle, like an insect’s cuticle, the first layer. So if someone didn’t know Rin, they might have thought he really was like that. The second one was probably something Haru has imagined. Maybe that was it and there were no layers, just one person -- but Haru liked to think it existed. Haru liked to think for a while Rin got fired up, either in his new own way or aged down to twelve; that didn’t matter. Haru liked to hope there was something more than that ‘I’ll show you how different he are now’ line straight from some anime series or something; that maybe Rin got genuinely excited for that race, that maybe he forgave him.

Then there was the third one, the one that got embarrassed when it turned out there was no water in the pool and walked away so fast that it could be seen as running away. Of course there might have been a chance that there were no masks or layers; that Rin really disliked them at that point and that Haru was reading in too deep. But there was also a chance Rin only pretended not to care.

Of course later theoretically it was obvious he did care in the end; holding Rin, having his warm, soft body pressed against his own made him think that now, finally, everything was well -- or at least alright. Now, not even a stupid week after that, he wanted to hold Rin again. For way, way longer that a few seconds; he wanted to hold him, hands wandering over his naked body, and kiss him, taste those unreasonably attractive lips (everything about Rin was unreasonably attractive, ever since they met and only now he had the courage to admit it, when he was seventeen, masturbated, and never let Nagisa use his internet because a list of his porn preferences would be long and complicated) and -- and just love him. And -- and something more. He wanted to tear all the layers of Rin off, dig his fingers deep into him and find out what’s inside. Did he care? Did he like Haru? Did he love Haru? What did Haru and others mean to him? Did he really dislike mackerel? Those were the things he wanted to know. At least.

“Haruka-senpai”, Rei said weakly and Haru raised his head from the table. Rei was standing by the bed with a unreadable expression and gestured to him to come closer.

Rin was sitting on the floor, leaning against the side of Rei’s bed and -- sleeping. With his head resting on his shoulder, cheek squished against it and arms posed as if he was hugging himself he looked like a child -- a tired and really well-built, but still a child. And just like when he was dealing with children like Ran and Ren, Haru wanted to put a blanket over him.

“Rin”, he said quietly; the name felt weird on his tongue. Rin. The boy who slept peacefully in front of him was named Rin. The name itself wasn’t original or unique, there were probably thousands of other people using that name and probably if he kept on saying it in his mind over and over again, it’d soon lose its meaning and become a hollow word. Rin. But when he said it, the name overlapped with the person in front of him. And in some uncanny way it resonated with his heart. Normally he didn’t get that feeling when he, for example, said ‘onion’ in front of an onion. To be quite honest, he also didn’t wander around saying ‘onion’ in front of onions, that happened only in such cases as when he had to explain what to do with an onion to Makoto who seemed to need instructions on how to peel an onion. But for some reason, it wasn’t like this with Rin. Rin most definitely was different from an onion. Haru liked saying his name, even for no reason. And when he heard the name, he instantly thought of Rin.

Those were nice thoughts.

Haru sat on his bed and furrowed his eyebrows. Of course he’s woken Rin up, they’ve eaten the snacks up and said goodbye to Rei; and Makoto said it would be really bad if he skipped school again, so Haru came back home with him. And now: he could try to do those math exercises he couldn’t do with Makoto. There surely was a way he could get the equation right. But he could also think about Rin, and it seemed definitely more logical (and pleasant) than math.

Once Nagisa noticed how long Rei was choosing what to wear and asked if he was in love. To which Rei replies that he obviously wasn’t, and that yes, theoretically love was beautiful, but in practice -- practice was as important as theory -- it was really illogical.

“Did you have a girlfriend, Rei-chan?”, Nagisa asked. He did it with his mouth full, so that was more what Haru thought he said.

“Oh, no”, Rei shook his head and fixed his glasses, “Of course not. The picture that media show us is enough. That so-called ‘love’ is mainly about running, yelling and arguing, and media explain that that’s what it should look like. I simply don’t think it looks pleasant or interesting, Nagisa-kun.”

“Weren’t you in a track club? You should like running”, Nagisa giggled. And so on.

So theoretically that was it. But the dictionary definition of love was different from that and theoretically speaking (Rei again), what most people called love wasn’t love at all. Or how western artists used ‘love’ as a synonym for ‘fuck’. He got up and turned on his computer. ‘Love’. He felt really silly typing that in wikipedia search bar, but some things were necessary. He didn’t learn much, though; if anything, reading the article only made him feel confused. Love was a feeling, but also a state. Love was a feeling in the chest, but also being sixty and happy with your marriage. Love had also various types.

Haru clicked his teeth and wondered who the hell decided so many things would share one name -- and why the hell everyone had a different opinion on the meaning of that word. Romantic love also didn’t help, it only seemed more specific, but in fact wasn’t specific at all. ‘Emotional attraction associated with love’, oh, thank you. ‘Strong emotional desires to connect’. Well, the comforting thing was that theoretically it was in Japanese. Actually though Haru didn’t really understand it. Was it what he felt for Rin? What actually was he feeling for Rin? It would be easier if there was a site for that. You put in the symptoms, click a few times and get the name of whatever you’re feeling right now; and it’s more accurate than ‘If you want to dress nicely for them and be with them together, it’s love’. Of course he didn’t want Rin to think he was bad-looking and it would be nice to spend time together, but -- when he started to think about it, he got into details, started overanalysing things and got nothing in result. For example -- was he good- or bad-looking? He didn’t know. He’s never cared enough about his face to think about that, and now he could only say he was pretty average. Eyes, nose, ears, such things. He didn’t lack anything. Maybe his chin was too small and eyes too big, but then Rin had a long nose and yaeba teeth. Haru wasn’t a fan of big noses or yaeba teeth, but… Rin was pretty. Really. Maybe if Haru focused only on his teeth or nose he wouldn’t like them, but he liked Rin’s appearance as a whole.

That was another problem. Haru was unable to connect the dots. When he started listing the symptoms in his head, he got lost. Rin was pretty, Haru liked looking at him and he even blushed a bit, and he must have been sexually attracted to Rin since he got hard; when he imagined touching Rin in a sexual manner, he also got hard and blushed more. So, okay, there was this sexual attraction. But Rin looked like someone -- with all his being romantic, wanting to see the cherry blossoms and stuff -- who wouldn’t be satisfied just by that. Just by sex.

Haru imagined said sex -- himself holding Rin in his arms, naked and in a generic bed with white sheets, kissing him and moving slowly against his body -- and stared blankly at the screen for a long time until his cheeks got hot enough that he snapped out of it. If it wasn’t sexual, then he had no idea what world was he living in.

Yeah, so there was that, but -- he wasn’t sure about his feelings. Feelings not concerning the physical side. Romantic feelings. Were they even romantic? He had no idea. But Rin seemed like someone who did, who knew about their own feelings and emotions and liked romantic things, like holding hands or matching jewellery or leaving post-it stickers on the fridge that said ‘I love you’. Haru wouldn’t mind holding hands, in fact he’d love it (when he held Rin’s hand on that day, it was like the center of his body moved from his brain to that hand), but the rest… He didn’t really get it. Not in that ‘I told you once and it haven’t changed, why should I repeat it all the time’ type that apparently women had problems with. In fact, he wouldn’t mind telling Rin ‘I love you’ a lot. If he did love him. And he didn’t know that.

And being in a relationship with Rin where they both would feel different things felt like cheating.

The worst thing was: he had nobody to consult. Rei thought it was nonsense, plus he’d probably start overanalysing things even more. Makoto… was Makoto ever in love? His crushes seemed… different. He wouldn’t talk to a girl and blush all the time, and it wasn’t exactly what Haru did when Rin was around. Nagisa would start joking and ask about weird things, and probably try to arrange a date; on the other hand, he was surprisingly observant, so maybe he’d give him some useful advice. But still Haru couldn’t really imagine himself asking for it, especially since he had a weird feeling that Nagisa would -- just like Kou and Chigusa -- simply tell him that yes, it’s love, go ask him out. It seemed everything was easy for those first-years. He felt like an old man. An old, romantically inexperienced man.

Well, actually, no. There was someone he could ask for advice, who seemed good with feelings and such. And his damn name was Rin Matsuoka.

Haru turned the computer off, angrily washed his teeth and went to sleep, without even setting the alarm clock.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was shaking.

Haru thought that maybe it was that dream about Rin riding him, but then he heard that characteristical “Haru!” and the faint smile died on his lips.

A dream about Makoto riding him wasn’t really something he wanted.

“Mgh”, he said, pouring all his displeasure into that.

“Haru, come on!”, Makoto groaned and stopped shaking him. At least this, than gods. “We’re gonna be so late, didn’t you set the alarm?”

“Mmmgh”, Haru repeated. Maybe Makoto was yet sleepy and dense because of that. Haru felt his mmmmghing was pretty obvious.

“Haru! I know you’re not asleep!” Makoto started shaking him again. His hands were big -- bigger and stronger than Rin’s -- and he was big himself, so it wasn’t really something he enjoyed.

“Yes I am”, he muttered and rubbed his eyes, “Makoto, stop shaking me.”

Makoto obeyed him, but started asking more questions instead. “Haru, really, we’re gonna be late, I thought you were bathing or something, please at least tell me you’ve done the homework!”

Haru looked at him meaningly, and when it didn’t work -- Makoto was staring at him in hopeful focus -- he shook his head. Makoto groaned.

“I’m not going today.”

“Haru!”, Makoto said with horror; Haru thought he was getting a bit monothematic. “You can’t skip school att the time, your grades will--”

“The teachers know I live alone so it’s not a problem”, he shrugged.

“They never said that!”

“Well, I’m sick!”

Makoto’s eyes instantly focused, like he was a big scanning machine in a school uniform. “Haru, don’t lie. You weren’t sick yesterday evening and you don’t look sick today.”

“Well”, Haru said slowly. Usually Makoto knew what he was feeling just by looking at him, and that was very comfortable, but now he seemed to avoid that at all costs. At first he agreed (hesitantly, but still) when Haru’s said he wanted to do something for Rin, but then on the next day he wasn’t so nice. Oh.

Oh.

Rin.

Rin was warm, and soft, and -- and Haru was, probably, but most probably, really gay for him (‘gay for Rin’ seemed easier to say than ‘in love with Rin’). If it was someone else, Haru would probably be cool about said gayness (‘sexual attraction’, okay) and go with it; maybe he would ask them out; or not, he wasn’t sure about other people. But Rin was different: sure, everything in his body seemed attractive for Haru and he wanted to admire him, touch him -- taste him -- but he had a feeling there was something more. Maybe it was because they were friends, so there was already a bond between them, a bond aside from that longing of sexual nature; Nagisa, Makoto and Rei sometimes said they were friends, and probably meant all of them, five of them. But did Nagisa want to kiss Rin’s nose? Or braid his hair? Did he want to hold him really, really close and breathe in the smell of his skin? Did he want to bask in Rin’s smile like it was the brightest ray of sun? Or… just to be with him? Even not doing anything? Was that still friendship?

“Haru?”

“What if I’m gay?”, Haru said suddenly, “What if I’m gay, Makoto? I need to think about it. And I won’t be able to do it at school.”

Makoto kept on standing still probably only because he was too shocked for his knees to go weak. “Wha-- Haru, don’t be ridiculous! You’re not--”

“How do you know?”, Haru leaned forward, looking Makoto in the eyes, and Makoto froze, “How do you know that? Maybe I was gay all along. Staring at your butts or something.”

Makoto looked positively terrified.

“Uh, I wasn’t. It’s just… Rin.” Makoto sighed with relief.

“Well, Haru, Rin is… not straight, but you…”

“Gay”, Haru said.

“Huh?”

“He’s gay. He said it himself. There are lots of not straight orientations, so saying that is incorrect.” Makoto blinked. Haru looked away. Then there was this less comfortable part. “Everyone’s always saying Rin is interested in me, smiling meaningly when they think I don’t see it, but when someone actually talks about it, you’re all awkward. Like it was a joke. Is it a joke?”

He looked at Makoto, straight into his eyes. ‘Awkward’ was an understatement; it seemed like he was torn between avoiding Haru’s eyes and wanting to run away or change the subject. “So… as long as you can joke about me and Rin being destined lovers, it’s okay. But as soon as his mother gets married to another woman, it’s not. Am I right?”

Makoto was silent and red as a young tomato. He opened his mouth -- as if he wanted to say ‘That’s not the point, Haru, you’re gonna be late’ -- but then he said nothing and closed it.

“Okay”, Haru said and got up, walking past Makoto, “Now I am going to take a bath, and you are going to go to school. My house is under maintenance or something and I have to watch it. I don’t know, you’ll make something up. Do you want rice?”

Makoto blinked, then cleared his throat. “Uh, no, thank you. You wouldn’t have anything to eat.”

“I would. I made pudding.”

And then he disappeared in the bathroom before Makoto could say ‘But pudding is not food’.

He felt weird. Technically it wasn’t an argument because Makoto only stood there and blinked, but he felt a bit unfair, maybe because of that. He’s just told him off because he was… normal. Pretty normal; Haru was pretty sure everyone was like that; as long as they could joke and not be serious about it, it was okay, but then they treat the word ‘gay’ as an insult. He’s never been one to care about those things; normally he wouldn’t care. But then Rin told him he was gay, and it sort of changed. Rin was gay. Rin wasn’t an insult. Being gay was something you just… were, sort of. It was the same as being left-handed or Japanese, there was nothing good or bad in it, so when people used it as an insult Haru didn’t really know what to tell them.

Of course it wasn’t like being gay didn’t affect Rin at all, it wasn’t just a nice add-on and Haru noticed he got nervous when people mentioned it, but it wasn’t necessarily his own trait he shaped himself, but more like a result of the society shaping Rin.

Haru wanted to feel the shape of Rin under his own hands.

When Makoto left (and he could hear it; shortly after he’s vanished in the bathroom Makoto sighed like a martyr and left, and even the way he closed the door was full of ‘Haru, why must you do this’), he slowly slipped out of his clothes. T-shirt, trousers. And took a shower. Washing all his body parts with unusual care, he didn’t even focus on it; usually he would just wash himself to be clean and comfortable enough, now it was like washing his teeth in kindergarten. Move your toothbrush as many times as old are you in one place, then move to another and do the same.

_Who am I?_

Nanase Haruka (sadly), check. Seventeen (couldn’t help it), check. What else? Japanese (obviously), check. One hundred seventy five centimetres tall. Well, check. Couldn’t help it as well. Mmm. Stroke: free. Check. And…

No, that way he’d do it forever. Maybe the other way.

_What defines me?_

No, that was shitty as well. Nothing, he answered. Why would anything define me? I am who I am. Anyone can see that.

And to think someone like Rin made him question his identity.

No, ‘someone like Rin’. He didn’t mean it as an insult. Rin pretty much made him question everything, from the reason he was swimming to his sexuality. Why wouldn’t it also extend to identity? But then, identity was something big. Sexual orientation and reason for swimming were big too, but identity was bigger. Square is a rectangle, rectangle is a parallelogram, parallelogram is a trapezium. So trapezium is bigger than a square.

Haru frowned. It was easier to think about Rin. Rin and his long hair, beautiful, strong body (a strength of which, from what Haru’s noticed, Rin wasn’t fully aware, even though he was a swimmer) and his unfairly shapely lips. Haru bit his lip, blushing vividly. Now he really wanted to kiss them. The urge was so strong that it overwhelmed him for a bit and he stood there, unable to move. Rin. Rin. He needed Rin.

Stark naked, he emerged out of the bathroom and took his phone from his room. His penis dangled against his thighs as he walked upstairs and downstairs. That was sort of irritating. Rin probably had no problems with that. It wasn’t like Rin’s penis didn’t dangle, more like -- Rin didn’t seem like a person to walk naked around the house.

Rin’s instagram had quite a lot of photos Haru didn’t manage to see earlier. He scrolled down quickly (as quickly as he could with his constantly lagging phone), to the first photo, and almost died. Not physically, of course, but he was fairly sure his brain short-circuited. It was a photo of Rin with some black boy grinning widely; and while that black boy was an epitome of innocent joy, Rin was quite the opposite, frowning and looking away like he wanted to say ‘Can I leave already?’. His hair was longer, way longer than now, and Haru was hit with a realisation. He scrolled a bit up (photos of food, Australian landscapes, some photos of a pool) and almost jumped. There was it -- a month later, Rin facing right with a bored face and -- oh -- oh -- short hair. Not short as in: shorter than long. Short as in: short. As in: shorter than Haru’s. Shorter than Rei’s.

His hair was slightly messy, some strands sticking out in a really bizarre way, but generally Haru could see how pretty his skull was. He saw it when Rin wore a cap, yes, but that was something completely different. His features were now splendidly visible and Haru could see how the outline of his face was a bit softer, eyebrows less defined. It was maybe like a last stage between Rin then and Rin now. Rin now was stunning, blindingly bright and sweet and close at the same time; Rin on that photo was something you’d usually smile longingly at. Haru couldn’t help and stroked the screen softly, causing it to scroll. The next post was actually a video, a really badly filmed one, because the sun was behind the people, making them only almost black figures with bright sunset in the background; but he could still recognise Rin’s silhouette. He was probably a bit smaller than now and definitely had less muscle -- or he only looked like that when that black boy from the first photo stood next to him. They talked for maybe two seconds -- Rin’s voice was softer and higher and maybe Haru was bad at English, but he could understand ‘fucking’ -- and then the boy simply picked him up like he was a small child and ran away. Haru could hear something that sounded like Rin’s groan, drowning in the boy’s maniacal laughter, and a girl’s loud giggle. Then the video ended.

Surreal as it was, that was the part of Rin Haru has never seen -- and probably never would see again.

From time to time Rin posted a photo of his torso and Haru was really thankful for that. As it turned out, Rin grew in height first, then in muscle mass, and while he was never slimmer than Haru (and Makoto’s mother once jokingly called him a noodle) it was amazing to see him less muscled. Especially since it seemed Rin had bought a shirt in a specific size and posted a photo of himself in it right after the naked torso photo and Haru found it -- adorable? heartwarming? there were way too much words for that feeling in your chest -- that while on the newest photo -- probably from January -- it was too small and stretched, showing quite nice details of Rin’s torso, on the first photo in the series Rin looked like a kid in a shirt borrowed from an older brother. The shirt was baggy on him and you could think Rin had no muscles at all.

But -- as Haru found out, browsing further -- he really had. And maybe that was the sexual thing, but… Haru really liked looking at them. Or perhaps it wasn’t even because of muscles and Haru just liked Rin’s body in general, all of it. That is; that was probably what the sexual attraction deal was about, but Haru wasn’t so sure if it included the attraction to someone’s… entire body. People usually talked about someone’s eyes, or hair, or lips. And theoretically Haru didn’t understand it; Rin had freckles, too long nose and yaeba teeth and objectively there was nothing particularly attractive in it. But if those were Rin’s freckles, Rin’s nose and teeth, Haru suddenly found it cute. Kissable. He wanted to kiss Rin.

In fact, everything about Rin was kissable, from his nose to toes, and -- it really made no sense because frankly speaking, kissing was just touching lips, nothing sexual, but when Haru imagined kissing Rin’s lips, softly, not even deeply or passionately, his face instantly grew hot; and it was just about the lips. Looking at Rin’s topless selfies was… Haru couldn’t decide whether it was better or worse. Finding out how Rin’s body changed, how he went from a grumpy, skinny teenager in a hoodie to a deity, how his -- oh, come on -- curves filled out, that was something completely different and he was on the verge of imagining himself touching those curves, examining his abs inch by inch and caressing his pecs and hips and

Haru stood in ominous silence for a while, trying to think about world peace, rotten fish and not about his erect cock. Haru failed. Haru put away the tablet shamefully, then picked it up again, closed the instagram app and opened a new window.

Of course he could masturbale carelessly over the thought of doing various things to Rin -- or rather to his body -- and no one would blame him for it, because no one would know. But he wasn’t sure if it was entirely okay of him. It wasn’t even because he thought Rin was pure and pristine and any sexual thoughts could destroy the image of him in his mind. It just wasn’t fair, and in some way it would be like sex. So, having sex with Rin without his knowledge. Because even if it was a dream or a fantasy, it still was sort of real. In his head, but. Still.

Today he was in a mood for muscled boys. And he was going to check if gay porn delivers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“I think”, Makoto said slowly, as if he was reciting a particularly beautiful poem, “that we’re lost.”

“Mako-chan? We’re not”, Nagisa giggled and scratched his head. In the e-mail invitations Rin has sent them, dress code information said ‘Fuck dress code, wear what you want’, so Nagisa went all out and styled his hair in a weird half-mohawk, half-I-was-struck-by-a-lighting-be-back-soon -- using tons and tons of hair mousse and hairspray, and Haru could smell it from metres away. And apparently it was also itchy. “You’re just in denial. I told you, that’s theeeere.”

He pointed in vague direction of a square, light pink building with a small pink neon saying ‘CHERRYBURST’ on it. It looked like a slightly bigger alcohol shop, Nagisa has said earlier when they passed it for the first time. Okay, like a slightly bigger and taller alcohol shop with cute inscriptions, he corrected himself when they passed it for the second time. Oh god, Mako-chan, calm down, he said when they passed it for the third. And he was quite right; except when they came closer, they could actually read what was written on a small white plate next to the door.

**GAY CLUB**

**GAY BAR**

**GAY _EVERYTHING_**

(gay drinks and some gay food as well)

(gay is only an umbrella term. if you’re a lesbian, bi or something else, but not heterosexual, feel free to come in as well)

(free drinks if you play the guitar. please do not play the guitar after drinking)

“Oh gods, okay”, Makoto sighed. He looked (and must have been feeling) ridiculous in a red-white plaid shirt and dark red jeans, but both Nagisa and Rei told him he looked beautiful and Haru didn’t have the heart to tell him he looked like a very long tomato. A very long, very nervous tomato. “But it doesn’t make sense, I mean-- look at the address Rin has given us, the numbers don’t--”

“That’s true”, Rei nodded and instantly checked his glasses. He was as elegant as usual and the only amount of ‘fuck the dress code’ he allowed himself to bring were small plastic faux-diamonds he stuck onto the rims. “But think. Where else would you expect them to hold a gay wedding party than at a gay club?”

“I just, thought it would be a party, like-- a party--!”, Makoto tried to explain, but his voice drowned in Nagisa’s enthusiastic ‘Let’s gooo!’. “But… but what if it’s not here?”

“Then we’ll say sorry and leave, Makoto-senpai”, Rei answered calmly, but one look was enough for Haru to see he was a bit embarrassed.

They opened the door quietly and peered inside, but what they found here wasn’t really exciting. In fact, it was something like a hall, except really small and there were another door, except -- just as the neon and the building -- pink and with a small post-it on it. If that’s where it is, Haru though, Rin must be loving it.

“Well, aside from pink door, there isn’t anything terrible yet”, Rei shrugged.

“Yet”, Nagisa nodded. “What if when we open those door and we’ll be attacked by those, uh, Rei-chan…?”

“Dildos?”

“Ah! Exactly. Flying, beaming dildos. Like lightsabers!”, Nagisa grinned and made some sounds that were probably supposed to resemble those made by said lightsabers (bween bween). Makoto only groaned weakly.

“Makoto. I’m really sorry to ruin that for you, but they don’t have dildos here”, Haru said calmly and approached the door. The post-it sticked said

WEDDING PARTY

NO PRESENTS => BRING PIZZA

NO PIZZA => BRING PRESENTS

(vege pizza needed!!)

It seemed the last line was scribbled hurriedly in pencil, as if someone looked at their stash of pizza boxes, then at stash of their vegetarian guests and went desperate.

Makoto made a sound of a slowly deflating balloon.

“It’s here”, Haru said pointlessly and reached to the doorknob.

“Wait!”, Makoto whispered, “We don’t have…”

“We do”, Haru replied and opened his bag to show the proof, “Rin told me earlier.”

And, accompanied by Nagisa whining (‘Huhhh?! He didn’t tell me!’), he opened the door. Again -- the room behind them wasn’t interesting or shocking, and definitely didn’t have any lightsaber dildos. There was a guard sitting by the desk behind a wall with a large window and stairs and a faint sound of music coming from upstairs, like someone softly tried to have a very quiet dancing party.

“Where do we--”

“I’m tellling you, here”, Haru said, opening his bag wider. Makoto looked like a man who’s lost all hope.

“Three frozen pizzas…”

“That’s because Nagisa has the other one”, Haru nodded. Makoto probably meant something else, like, for example ‘Why the hell everything you brought for a wedding party are three frozen pizzas’, but first of all, he wasn’t going to listen to that, and second of all, Makoto probably wouldn’t say ‘hell’.

Someone was slowly walking down the stairs, carrying a small fridge with visible effort; the guard giggled loudly and went to help them.

“Why would they need a fridge in a place like this”, Haru head Makoto mutter. Nagisa replied with something that sounded like ‘Maybe it’s for corpses, Mako-chan’ while Rei exhaled slowly. Way too slowly for it to be an exhale of exasperation.

Haru made eye contact with the fridge person -- now fridge-free -- and felt a sudden urge to exhale as well. Exhale, and then inhale, and then again. He felt he’d need that in the future.

It was Rin. Except at first it was a bit hard to tell, because he must have done something to his face. To his… mostly everything. Because it wasn’t just eyes, no, he’s seen Rin wearing mascara and it was stunning enough, but this Rin was different, with his skin smooth like damn silk, however cliche that comparison was, and hair wavy and shiny and for some reasons, parted in 7/3. The mascara was actually dark blue, almost purple, and Haru absent-mindedly registered that it was probably chosen to match rin’s shirt, sleeves short enough to show his forearms and the surprising amount of bracelets on them before he realised something else. Those perfect eyes with charming mascara, perfect eyeliner, on that flawless face with lips pinker than usual, those eyes -- were -- looking -- at him.

At him, the Haru. The Haru in his shirt and his jeans and his shoes. And complete lack of jewellery or make-up. I didn’t use any make-up, Haru thought with utter terror before he realised he actually wasn’t using make-up at all, overall. He was a no-make-up person. But Rin? Rin was… Rin was probably a wixen at this point, having done something to Haru that didn’t let him think or speak clearly. Words? Words to describe how pretty Rin looked? What words? What in fact were words? What exactly was Rin Matsuoka?

Rin smiled and approached them and ‘Hello’s were exchanged, and Nagisa loudly exclaimed his love for Rin’s looks and they shared a high five (‘We’re hair stuff brothers, Rin-chan!’ to which Rin laughed and it sounded like… like Rin’s laugh, to be honest, but it was glorious and made Haru weak in knees). Makoto didn’t really follow, it seemed, and he asked Rin what happened to him and Haru was torn, because when Rin stopped smiling and blinked in surprise it didn’t make him less gorgeous (in fact, Haru was pretty much ready to -- explode? -- erupt in a ball of pure energy? -- when his lips formed a small surprised O) but Haru couldn’t help but feel a pang of second-hand embarrassment. For him it was fairly easy to grasp that Rin just liked to use mascara or other beauty products, it was a fairly easy idea in general, so why did Makoto act like it was something new? Like he wanted to point that out. Which wasn’t the best thing he’s ever done, if someone asked Haru.

Before Rin managed to say something, Nagisa pulled out a pizza from his bag and gave it to Rin, arms straight, as if he was either trying to confess with a present or stab Rin in the chest with a paper box with a frozen pizza inside.

“Here, accept this offering, o lord almighty!”

Lord almighty made a terrified face and whispered ‘Oh no’. “Tell me this is all you’ve got?”, he asked weakly, for some cosmic reasons looking straight at Haru, who suddenly felt the urge to say yes and eat all three cold pizzas in the bathroom later.

“Nope! Haru-chan has three more!”

The light vanished from the god’s eyes and Haru felt like the worst traitor in the world. He opened his mouth, but then Rin sighed helplessly and his eyebrows made a revolution inside Haru; he wanted to say something, like ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘It’s okay, Nagisa will get rid of them in no time’. It would be good. But Rin was here, Rin was existing in this exact place and somehow everything Haru had on his mind to say was ‘Wow’ and ‘Oh damn’. ‘Damn’ was accented.

Nagisa talked to Rin about the pizzas a bit more, Makoto did the math and asked about the fridge and Rin started ranting on some guest who went all out and ordered so many pizzas that even if all guests were to eat them at once, they wouldn’t make it; meanwhile Haru was still fighting himself. What should he say? Because since Rin has appeared, he said nothing. And he should have, at least a stupid ‘hi’. ‘You look good?’ No. Understatement of the century. ‘You’re beautiful?’ No, it was a wedding party, not a James Blunt fanclub meeting. It didn’t change the fact that Rin looked beautiful.

Haru felt something growing inside him, a big ball of god knows what whose source of power was Rin; he felt that something taking over his entire body, making him even more speechless than before and angry, because he wanted to say something, he wanted to do something, desperately, really, but Rin was there and he was so pretty, who even let him…?!

By the time Rin laughed at Nagisa’s joke for the last time, took the pizzas with an exasperated sigh and put them in the fridge (the guard giggled again and Rei winced), Haru was already one big flexed muscle, ready to snap at any time, full of unfounded rage. He’s read somewhere that the thing people feel when cute things are around, like puppies or kittens, is actually some kind of aggression. His feelings were some sort of that, theoretically; he desperately wanted to come into interaction with Rin, somehow, but he had no idea what and how and he only could imagine pulling Rin close, not with his hands but by some unknown high force an mending with him, holding him closer than anything else in the world, close enough to become one. Drowning in Rin, or Rin drowning in him. What happened if there were two black holes close enough to influence each other?

He’d have to ask Rei, someday. When he wouldn’t be boiling inside and when Rei wouldn’t be busy complimenting literally everything about Rin, even his curled eyelashes, and when Rin wouldn’t be blushing brightly like at least two suns combined.

“Okay, so, let’s go upstairs, I guess? Chigusa’s learning to prepare drinks, might be interesting”, Rin said and Haru’s insides trembled with bliss. Rin turned around and his hair fluttered. Rin had glorious, smooth and silky wavy hair, sparkling eyes and the most kissable nose ever. Haru was fucked.

So fucked that he almost stopped on the stairs. Because yes, Rin was beautiful and his face, body, moves, everything made Haru explode internally from time to time (now, for example, he could think quite well but he still kept his hands clasped behind his back). Sure. But then, a thought: how much did he exactly know about Rin? Not about the curve of his nose or the amount of freckles on his ears, but about the real Rin that was inside the body. Rin liked books and flavoured beer with salmon. Rin was gay and was terribly insecure about that. Rin wore earrings and was the paradox of universe, being both the most radiant and the saddest person in the world. Rin was shy and self-conscious, and could only play a few chords on the guitar. Rin complimented girls on their hair. Haru could probably elaborate for hours, but he had a feeling that knowledge was useless in practice. What were Rin’s views on his future? Did he want to win the Olympics and go home or did he want to go full pro and swim until retirement? What did he think about marriage? Did he want children? What was his favourite subject? Did he have any friends in Australia? When has he had his ears pierced? Why yellow roses? Why not pink? Was he excited for the second the Hobbit movie? Would he want to go on a movie date? Would he just go and see a movie with Haru or would it be too weird? Was he really interested in Haru and, for god’s sake, did he like mackerel? Those were also important questions and without answers, Haru felt as if he only had three pieces of a thousand pieces puzzle set.

Rin only nodded at them and trotted away downstairs, so they approached the bar and indeed, there was a Chigusa. Together with Kou, who held a glass full of bright pink liquid and glared at it glumly. There were some other people by the bar, but the others were either sitting on the sofas or leaning on them, busy with their conversations. Someone waved their hands enthusiastically, as if they were dancing while sitting, and two or three people laughed.

“Hi!”, Chigusa shouted as soon as she saw them, shaking the shaker vigorously. Kou moved away slightly and twirled her glass. “Drink bar ‘Kougusa’, welcome! Sit down and have a drink!”

“But you could also not sit down and not have a drink”, Kou said.

“What happened, Kou-chan? Where are the brides?”, Nagisa asked, happily plopping on a bar seat. “And can I get that pink thing?”

Kou rolled her eyes. “They plan to get fashionably late or something. Probably something. I mean, it’s not a real wedding, right? They could get even two hours late and no one would notice. Don’t get the pink thing. oniichan got it, aside from the others, and now…” She looked at Haru quickly. “Nevermind. Don’t get the pink thing.”

What in fact was the pink thing and what happened to Rin after he had it, Haru wanted to ask, but he decided not to, although he couldn’t say he was uninterested. Why did Kou look at him like that? Rin was perfectly fine when he talked to them. Finely perfect. Yes.

“I want the pink thing!”, Nagisa grinned, turning to Chigusa. She only nodded and after pouring the drink she was making to a new glass and passing it to the woman on her left, she started making Nagisa’s. “You?”

Rei made a skeptical face. “Is it… is it even legal…?”

“Of course it’s not, are you stupid?”, Chigusa frowned, “But hey, if you tell me you haven’t had booze, like ever, I’m not going to believe you. Even you…”

“What do you mean even me?”, Rei hissed, “Who do you think I am, a no-life? Every time my parents get umeshu from their clients, they give it to my brother, so we always try it! Of course I have tried alcohol!”

“So a no-life”, Chigusa nodded, moderately surprised, and Nagisa squealed from joy. “Haruka-senpai, you want something?”

Haru shrugged. “Water. Or, I don’t know. Surprise me.”

Chigusa looked at him for a while. “I don’t know… you look like a mojito person to me.” And because no one laughed, she did it herself. “Seriously, you’re all horrible. That was the best pun in my career. Makoto-senpai?”

Makoto jumped on his seat, as if he was hoping Chigusa would forget about him. Which would be hard considering how visible he was -- not only because of his height, but also the colours he was wearing. “Er… Bloody Mary?”, Chigusa said, looking at him unsurely.

“No, I-- I’d like something… do you have orange juice?” Kou closed her eyes, smiling with pleasure, and Chigusa made a face. “Campari orange it is, then.”

“N-no, I’d really-- I. don’t really like alcohol”, Makoto muttered, his face red even in the dim light. “And I… don’t feel really good after drinking it, so, um.”

“Orange juice it is, then”, Chigusa sighed and muttering something about people not letting her test her amazing drink-making abilities, she began to look for a proper glass. Nagisa, sticking his tongue out, was taking a photo of his pink thing. Haru used this moment to lean towards Kou.

“What happened to Rin?”, he asked quietly. “He seemed fine when we met.”

Kou grimaced. “Theoretically, yes”, she said and put away her glass, frowning. “But did you notice that? He’s all chippery and smiling all the time, it’s weird. I mean --”, she looked at Haru quickly and went back to checking her nails, “I don’t know about you, because when you saw him for the last time he was okay, but for the rest of the week he was all quiet and when he wasn’t helping, he’d go to sleep so he was either in a bad mood or sleeping, and now he’s had a few drinks, chatted with two people and he’s suddenly made of sunshine and puppies.It just doesn’t make sense. And I’ve tried asking Chigusa about it and she said she had no idea about that, but.” She swallowed and brushed her hair aside. “But she pretty much could tell him something, I know what she’s like, so they could have talked and now he probably thinks since it’s a party, he can go crazy and do whatever he wants. And--”

“Rin?”, Chigusa asked, passing something that looked like dark red coke to Rei. “Oh, youth is wonderful. Let him have fun for a while and don’t worry, okay?”

Kou gave Haru a look that said ‘I told you’, then turned to Chigusa. “So you did tell him something!”

“Well”, Chigusa put away the cloth she was wiping the counter with and grinned. “Kind of? I mean, I got fed up of all that his walking around being sad and stuff, so I told him to stop and cheer up, because hey, a party, he could have fun and so on. And he was like--”

She made a perfectly bored face. “So how would I know the next day he’s gonna get wasted and flirt the fuck out of his old buddy? I’m innocent.”

Haru blinked. Slowly, carefully, he made sure he understood every word Chigusa said. Then he repeated, just to make sure.

“Flirting?”

Kou rested her head on the counter, sighing deeply; Chigusa just made a grossed out face. “Yeah. The owner’s son. They’ve been… well, maybe not friends, from what I’ve heard, but like -- they knew each other. And now it’s the first time Rin’s been there since he came back from Australia, the dude noticed he’s pretty decent, and…” Chigusa shrugged. “And he like, complimented him a bit, you know, the ‘I knew puberty could do miracles but you’re the first one I see’ stuff, I almost puked. One more minute and he’d start with the ‘Did it hurt’ line. Like, he used really cheap pick-up lines, and, uh, no offense, but I’ve never seen an easier person. Easier like -- that.”

“Oh”, said Haru because that was the only thing he could think of at the moment.

“Mhm”, Chigusa nodded. “But, hey.” She looked at Haru cautiously. “It’s probably nothing serious. I mean, even if he ends up banging that dude in the loo, it’s like. He’s gay. Dick magnetism. You get me?”

Haru did not.

“Has anyone told you you’re amazing at comforting?”, Rei asked, putting away his drink with a disgusted face. “Because you’re not. Do you suggest that being gay means sleeping with everyone?”

And so on.

Haru looked at the counter. He -- he wasn’t really sure, but it seemed like this -- was angry. He had no idea at what; even that counted looked stupid and he kind of wanted to kick it. Everything Chigusa said made no sense. Why would Rin do such things? Haru could see point A and point B, but he had no idea what the line between them looked like. He didn’t believe there even was such a line. It had no point. Rin could masturbate if he wanted to come. Rin could… he could hang out with friends if he wanted a nice conversation. Haru could compliment him about his entire existence. He could…

“Haru-chan, you okay?”, Nagisa asked, his face mere centimetres from Haru’s face. He raised his head; Makoto and Rei were also looking at him with something he could probably call worry. Kou and Chigusa were talking, quite passionately.

“Kou, I asked you out thinking about a quick fuck!”, Chigusa said, rolling her eyes. “That’s what it’s about. I didn’t do it with love of my life in mind, okay? You were just cute and I wanted to hang out with you.”

Silence. The music was still playing, people were still having fun, but five of them were looking at Chigusa in what ranged from mild surprise to horror. Chigusa noticed it and frowned. “And then I realised you’re actually the best person I’ve ever met, okay? I thought it was obvious, don’t fucking look at me like that!” Nagisa and Rei turned to each other while Makoto reached for his juice and choked on it. “I wouldn’t run away from home for a quick fuck. Right?” Kou blushed and looked away and for a moment Haru wanted to laugh; sometimes he forgot that Kou and Rin were siblings.

“I love you.”

Kou looked like she was torn between exploding and blushing to death, so Chigusa must have decided to help her via tipping her chin up and kissing her. Rei and Makoto politely averted their eyes. Nagisa stared happily, making sounds of joy.

“Yay! It seems the gay drinks work!”

Kou and Chigusa backed off from each other so fast that for a moment Haru had a faint feeling one of them was going to bump into the counter; luckily they didn’t, although when Kou saw who was the person who said those words, she looked as if she wouldn’t mind him bumping on that counter, Repeatedly.

At first Haru saw Rin -- but it wasn’t a surprise, since he’s already got used to seeing Rin first even in the most crowded places. Then he registered another person, a slightly taller, pale and skinny guy with faint red hair and a horrible pikachu shirt. He grinned so widely that Haru could see his pink gums.

“Yo, I’m Kaede, nice to meet you!”, he said like a first grader in an American movie. His voice was high, but also a bit oily. When Rin said that, it was okay, but for some reasons Kaede’s ‘Yo!’ sounded stupid and forced. It will be nice to meet you if you shut up, Haru thought.

“You’re Rin-chan’s friend?”, Nagisa asked, twirling his drink. He was a surprisingly slow drinker, Haru realised; his glass was still in ⅔ full.

“Rin-chan?”, Kaede repeated stupidly. Everything about him seemed stupid. “Rin-chan?” Oh gods, stop being an idiot. “Rin-chan, you didn’t tell me your friends call your Rin-chan?”

Rin’s face changed from neutral friendly to exasperated and irritated. “Because they don’t! Nagisa is an exception. You’re not!”, he added and sparks in Kaede’s eyes vanished.

“Uuugh. You’re no fun, you know?” Rin rolled his eyes and muttered ‘Said by someone who dropped a fucking fridge on my feet’ under his breath. Haru felt offended. “Anyway, won’t you introduce me to your friends?”

“They won’t need to know you because you’re already leaving”, Kou said and Haru felt a sudden wave of fondness towards her.

“Oh! Exactly. You’re leaving. Fridge stuff is done and you’re tired. Bye”, Rin added quickly, nodding after each sentence; his hair moved softly with each nod and Haru couldn’t help but look, mesmerized. Rin’s hair have gotten longer since he’s seen him for the first time in April and while it wasn’t the Australian length, but still it was noticeable. He could probably tie it in a high ponytail now.

Kaede rolled his eyes, but for some reasons unknown even to the gods, he decided to obey. “Okay”, he said, and if Haru was really drunk, he might have thought he did it in a seductive manner. “But don’t miss me. I’m not gonna go back to you so easily. I’m cruel.” And then he winked. And, thank gods, left, approaching one of the couches. For a split second Haru saw faint red.

“Oh, of course”, Rin muttered. “I already miss you. My heart is bleeding.”

And then he ordered a mojito.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The brides finally came, got married and announced the official party party and the only one thing he could think of was, hell yeah long live, Haruka Nanase.

He’s spent almost three hours planning his outfit and next three completing it; then he could say he was dressed just like he wanted to dress minus the financial limit (if not the financial limit --and something else -- he’d wear that glorious black skirt. He wasn’t that kind of person who wore skirts on a daily basis, but that one was really good and looked amazing on the model’s ass). He’s spent half an hour putting on the make-up and worrying if it’s not too much, and then if that shade is not too dark. Such things. While Haru? Haru probably didn’t care. He put on his blue t-shirt and light blue jeans, looked in the mirror and though ‘ok’. Everyone did something unusual; Nagisa poured an entire bottle of hair mousse on his head, Makoto decided to wear something that -- sweet irony -- would grant him at least ten curious looks from other people in the club and probably at least one trying to woo him. Rei had those terrible faux diamond stickers on his glasses, and Haru… Haru looked like someone stuck between the 80’s and the 90’s and for some unknown reason, Rin found that amazingly hot. If Haru wore sunglasses, he’d probably jump on him.

Okay, actually, no. He’d still keep his hands by his sides and suffer quietly. Kou, Chigusa, even his mom told him apparently Haru liked him, but he found it really hard to believe. Of course it wasn’t something his brain couldn’t process; it just seemed very unlikely. His younger self would have either blushed himself to death or kept it as a possibility; currently the only option was burying it deeply under a thick layer of denial and logical explanations on why it was impossible. First of all, those things happened only in books or movies. If you were a wreck, sooner or later someone would fix you. That was their logic. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense to write a book or shoot a movie.

When Rin was fourteen, he discovered a new internal organ in his body.

Obviously it wasn’t a real, physical organ. It was hidden deeply between his body and soul; a bit closer to the soul, but he could physically feel it. It wasn’t heart, even though he felt it in his chest, small and between his ribs. It felt like a hole, or a barrier, throbbing and aching when something wasn’t okay -- as in, almost all the time. Usually Rin didn’t think about it, having gotten used to the slight stinging; but when it was late at night and he was alone in his bed, he suddenly had time to think about various things. Including this. And he could feel the faint anxiety inside, and when he put his hand over it, he had a feeling it infected his hand. And when more than one part of his body was infected, there was no helping it. Positive thoughts, homework, running, nothing could stop it and Rin usually fell asleep feeling it spreading through his body like a disease; slight ache in his chest, heaviness of his limbs. He felt so numb and powerless that his eyes closed even if he wasn’t tired.

And that was yet the… well, maybe not ‘good’ part. That was the non-lethal part. The lethal part was when that thing pulsed along with his heart, hot and heavy both in his chest and head. It was like it has parted into two and doubled its power; he felt sick, head throbbing with the worst thoughts anyone could ever have, body heavy and disobeying. Rin wasn’t sure if it was real or in his head, and that was probably even worse. And the worst -- the worst thing was that it never destroyed him. If there was a border -- Rin was pretty sure there was -- then it ruined him slowly, deliberately and stopped right before that border; Rin’s body demanded destruction and he couldn’t count the times when he felt like taking a knife, large enough, and cutting through his chest to find that thing and remove it. His hands would become red, hot and sticky from blood, but there was no choice; he’d have to do it. Cut that thing out and rip it to pieces, burn, tear apart, destroy. So it wouldn’t exist anymore. So his chest would feel empty and cold, pleasant. It would grow back, but at least he’d feel okay for one day. Maybe not even that much, maybe only for an hour. But even that would be enough. Because when Rin fell asleep, half-dead, it leveled up. And when he woke up, it was slightly behind the border, starting again. He always slept through what should have been a proper destruction.

And movies and books said -- if you have such thing in your body, don’t worry. There’s someone who will love you gently and fix that organ so it could dry out and fall out on its own. And you’ll be healthy and happy again. Rin knew it was total bullshit; such things needed destruction. The organ had to be ripped out, destroyed. The person had to be destroyed, drowned, murdered. Metaphorically. So they would reach the complete bottom. And then after being emptied, they could fill themself again, with whatever they wanted. And watch out for that organ. That’s why Rin wanted to be destroyed. So someone could stab him with the sharpest, deadliest knife to ever exist, take out all that was inside and destroy it. With acid or fire. And wash the rest of his body in a cold water and let him dry for a few days; like a dirty white shirt. Then iron him. And then he could have a new name. A new life. He’d awaken from dead. Metaphorically. Metaphorically.

Haru wouldn’t understand. He’d probably listen to everything without interrupting and nod, but he wouldn’t understand. And if he wouldn’t understand… he could hate Rin. He could hate Rin for treating himself like a too big bag of chips that doesn’t fit in the grocery shop bag. In cases like this, people usually made small holes in the bad to let the air out, then rolled the bag and it fitted. Rin did the same. He made small holes to let the illness/substance/whatever out, then rolled himself and he fitted. For some reasons doing this to the bag was okay. To yourself -- not really. Haru could be that not really person. Haru could… He could infect Haru. He could harm him.

So first of all, it was impossible. Rin was only half human. The second half was disappointment. That was his own joke he liked to tell himself in order to pretend he could laugh at what in fact made him cry, but it was true. It was illogical that the person he -- the person he -- insert feeling here, whatever -- it was illogical they’d feel the same. Things like that didn’t happen. Maybe to Kou and Chigusa and mom and Nina but -- they were different. They weren’t fucked up, for example.

The second reason was -- Rin was just a shitty person. Not interesting or charming at all. The only thing interesting in him was how fast he went to loving his reflection in the mirror before the party to hating every inch of his existence during it. Probably it had something to do with alcohol, but mostly with his own shittiness.

‘Stop torturing yourself’, Chigusa told him the day before. ‘I know people like you hate when they’re told this, but I’m not telling you to cheer up, okay? Just don’t keep it all to yourself. Wreck something up, I don’t know, listen to heavy metal, you can even cut yourself! Like, don’t think I’m dumb, I did it once when I was twelve and it helped. Just saying. Or fuck someone. Tomorrow’s the party, I’m sure there’ll be lots of hot dudes who’d love to ride your sausage. Fucking always works, at least for me.’ She winked. ‘I feel shitty, I ask Kou to suck me off, bam, the world is a better place.’ She looked at him carefully, like she expected him to do something loud and reckless. ‘Or maybe your sis is just good with her tongue. Beats me. But like, hey, there are thousands of dicks in this world, you don’t even have to stop loving Haru, right? Just bang someone for fun.’

That made him wonder what actually Chigusa considered fun, besides casual sex.

He twirled his… he had no idea how many drinks he had, to be honest. It wasn’t like he drank so much he’d lost count, he just didn’t pay attention. This one had the least alcohol in it, because the lady who normally prepared the drinks came back, told Chigusa off for adding the same amount of alcohol to drinks for kids and told everyone (except Makoto, who probably had his twentieth glass of juice) to drink water and not touch alcohol for a week. And when she shooed them away from the bar, he sort of lost his appetite and only twirled his glass from time to time, sitting on the sofa and watching people dance and talk. In the end even Makoto loosened up enough to dance a bit, not to mention Rei, who turned out to be some kind of dancing machine and Rin had to mentally slap himself for the thoughts he had. (It didn’t change the fact that Rei Ryugazaki had the Ass.) Haru didn’t dance and to be honest, Rin wasn’t surprised; he only walked around a bit and ended up by the counter again, drinking water and chatting with Kou. Sometimes Rin had a feeling he was looking at him and it always made him feel worse. Nice one, Matsuoka. Getting drunk on your own mother’s wedding party, a perfect way to show a guy you’re not pathetic.

Someone plopped down on the sofa next to him, causing it to shake slightly, and Rin felt like dying.

“Hey, pretty”, said the dude. He probably had lots of earrings, but Rin didn’t really pay attention.

“Please don’t”, he muttered, barely opening his mouth. The dude raised his eyebrows, so he added: “I don’t fuck older guys.”

The dude laughed. Rin was a bit surprised, because the sound was quite pleasant. “I said you’re pretty, not that I want to fuck you.”

“Either way it’s a no”, he shrugged. They sat for a while, politely quiet.

“Hey”, the dude said and if Rin was less drunk, he might have noticed concern in his eyes. “You’ve been sitting here for half an hour already and that glass is still full, so…”

“Want some?”, Rin asked and actually looked at him. He had lots of earrings, a faux-mohawk and was probably in his late twenties.

“Cool, thanks”, he said and actually took the glass. “But like, kid. I mean you look horrible. Drunk or sick, either way, go and rest in the blue room, eh?”

Rin frowned. “Where?”

“The room next to the guard’s desk on the first floor? It has blue walls.”

“Oh”, he only said. He knew that room. When he was younger, it was called the green room. Apparently Kaede’s mom felt like changing the aesthetic. “I know this one.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“I didn’t order company”, Rin heard just as he entered the blue room and it made his want to leave. Not the blue room, but Japan in general.

“Fuck off”, he muttered and sat on the sofa as far from Kaede as he could. Kaede giggled.

“Hey, I was joking. Besides, I like surprises!”

And he winked. Rin decided to ignore him, rested his head on his hand and closed his eyes. He hasn’t danced as much as the others, there’s been a heavy metal fan kind of a dude with plastic flowers in his long hair and a dude so handsome that he looked straight out from a host club; and Kaede managed to torment him a few times before vanishing in the bathroom with a quiet guy in glasses who later turned out to be Nina’s perfectly straight younger brother, while Makoto has danced with half of the club, it seemed -- but he felt completely worn out. He felt like lying down and not getting up for at least a year. He yawned and combed his hair with hand, even though it was hard to remove it from his hair because of the amount of mousse and spray he’d used.

“You doing this on purpose?”

He lazily turned his head towards Kaede, who’s apparently moved to close the window and drew the blinds close. Rin wasn’t sure if he did it only because he had days when he wasn’t an annoying idiot but a nice sensible guy.

“What?”, he said, forcing back another yawn and blinking; it wasn’t so dark, the room was now pleasantly dim, but his eyes still had to get used to it.

“Mm, dunno”, Kaede mused, hopping on the sofa next to Rin -- and it shook, and Rin felt like throwing Kaede out through the window. “Everything?” And when Rin’s face still showed fully professional nothing, he rolled his eyes and began explaining. “Like, wow, first you put on that pretty make-up and do your hair and look generally hot? Hotter than when you were in grade school, at least. It’s not like you were hot back then, just--” Kaede realised Rin’s expression when he was looking at him didn’t change at all and grimaced. “Nevermind. Anyway, first you’re all pretty and hot, then you seduce me and run away, then when I try to kiss you you run away as well, then you make sexy poses on the damn couch!”

Rin looked at him, and the professional nothing slowly turned into endless astonishment. “You’re more drunk than I am”, he said finally.

“Huh? Why is that?”

Rin frowned and rubbed his eyes with palms. This evening was amazing, tiring, but amazing, yes -- and then Kaede decided to be more annoying than five years ago. And that was something.

“I look different because… I don’t know how to break it for you, man. It’s been five years? Also, my mom is kind of getting married today?” Kaede made an impatient face, as if those were some minor details and Rin was in fact really trying to seduce his innocent heart. “And I think you need to, like. A dictionary. Your flirting -- my small talk. Your kissing -- uh. I wasn’t drunk enough to perceive you trying to push your tongue into my ear as kissing. Sorry if I offend you.”

Shocking to no one, Kaede actually seemed offended.

“And, uh. I was yawning. And stretching. This… most people recognize this as a sign that someone is. Tired? And they need -- and want -- to sleep. This just in.”

“To sleep!”, Kaede repeated triumphantly. “Exactly! About that--”

Rin groaned, turned around and slammed his head against the armrest. Kaede made an sympathetical sound.

“I can kiss it better?”

Rin turned to him, feeling his patience wearing thinner and thinner, just like butter scraped over too much bread. “You can leave and all my worries will magically disappear.”

“But I can also do you and your worries will not only disappear, but also you’ll be pretty damn satisfied!”, Kaede grinned. “That’s a profit”, he added, as if he was worrying Rin wouldn’t understand.

Rin stared at him for a while, breathing slowly. Kaede was an idiot. There were things in people that didn’t change over years. Kou was still amazing at music and art, Haru-- yeah, he was still gay (even gayer now, to be honest) and Kaede? Kaede was an idiot. It was like someone chose this as his trait in Sims. He made stupid jokes that often, almost always made sense only to him, he didn’t seem to understand that no one is really a fan of loud and open-mouthed chewing and always, always, every day, hour, second -- had a crush. Or maybe it wasn’t a crush per se, just -- Kaede, if it came to liking people, had no preference. Or: had all the preferences. Rin suspected he wasn’t even bisexual, the range of people he audibly stated he liked was so wide and colourful that Rin -- and he was eleven -- often asked him, ‘Okay, but is it a dude or a girl?’. And Kaede was like, ‘Who cares, they’re pretty’. In Australia someone once said that this thing was called pansexuality and someone like this, to put it easily, didn’t think gender was an important thing when it came to liking someone. Of course everyone in the hearing range giggled when someone made the pan joke, but to be honest -- Rin would love it if Kaede was pan-sexual. As in, pans. The pans. That would save the humanity lots of trouble.

Because Kaede -- when he liked someone, and it happened really often -- always had to announce it. No matter how old the person was, Kaede just approached them and said, with a charming smile of a self-confident ten year old, ‘Hi! You’re cute!’. And winked. Which usually looked like he’s just ate a lemon, but he claimed it worked perfectly. And while he was ten, people usually laughed and brushed it off as something funny to remember -- to his exhausted mother’s eternal relief -- but then he grew up, turned from cute to pretty decent, and, well. During the preparations for the wedding Kou told him -- and Chigusa was nodding all the time, which made Rin wonder how many times did he hit on them -- that, uh, onii-chan, I know he’s decent enough to be called handsome and he has a dick, so he fits perfectly in your range of interests (Rin scoffed), but seriously. That’s the biggest, eternal, supernal, cosmic slut I’ve ever met. So don’t.

As if Rin wanted to jump at him!

Okay, he did. A bit. That is, Kaede really was handsome. And while he was still hopelessly and brainlessly in love with Haru… Kaede was something, yes? And while Rin believed in Santa Claus until he was seven, thanks to his mom and some dictionaries he’s long since stopped believing in love at the first sight and the sex only with love combo. And yet he still hasn’t gotten laid.

He stared at Kou, blinking. “Did you just say that?”, he asked, because if someone was against calling people sluts, it was… everyone, actually in the Matsuoka family, since their mom has taken care of it. Kou rolled his eyes. “I’m not judging, okay? If he’s sleeping around, may he do it merrily! But seriously, as stupid as it sounds, I’m just talking about your health, okay?” She blushed. He blushed as well. They were both as red as their hair and only Chigusa grinned brightly like a LED lamp. “So like”, Rin said slowly, “you’re telling me he’s…?”

“Okay, slow down, Sonic”, Kou waved her hands, “I’m not saying he’s got HIV, syphilis and arthritis, yeah? Only that he’s a party boy. And when he woke up naked in some stranger’s flat at four in the morning, his first concern was coffee. Horizontal tango with this dude might not be the best idea of your life, just saying.”

And here he was.

“Uh”, he said. “Is that so”, he added. Then he ran out of creativity. And air, so he took a slow inhale. “So…”

“Mmm-hmmmm.”

“You…”

“Mmm-hmmmmm.”

First mm-hmm sounded disturbing, the second one made Rin close his legs as tightly as possible without crushing his knees.

Since Rin didn’t continue, shaken deeply and to the core, Kaede decided to take the lead.

“You’re cute”, he said, “and I want to blow you.”

For a minute Rin faintly remembered that quote from ‘Seven days’, except that quote was somewhat deep and meaningful, while what Kaede said was exactly what Kou told him not to do. And sort of gross. And terribly hot.

Terribly hot?!

“Bb-blow me”, Rin repeated. He wasn’t at his best when it came to brains at this exact moment.

“Mmm-hmmmm”, Kaede confirmed. Rin sort of wanted to slam his face against the armrest. But also sort of wanted him to do the mm-hmmm thing against his crotch. He was tragically torn. “Because?”

“Dunno”, Rin shrugged. “You rather… seem like that, uh. Boning against the wall like a rabbit on steroids sort of.... guy.” At first Rin wanted to say ‘sexhaver’ but then the thought of himself saying him made him soften a little, and that was something.

“Oh, sure”, Kaede laughed, showing his gross pink wet gums -- that were also kinda charming, fuck everything -- and licked his lips. All that while looking Rin straight into his eyes. “That’s cool too. But there’s a hierarchy. If you’re just hot, I want you to blow me. If you’re super hot, I want to fuck you. If you’re ultra hot -- ta-dah, you get a blowjob! For free. Amazing offer!”

Rin couldn’t disagree with that. “Then…”, he said slowly, “what about someone fucking you?”

“Ah, that’s basically the same as me fucking them. Convex, concave, doesn’t matter. If you get what I mean.” Rin didn’t, to be quite honest, quite understand why Kaede couldn’t just say top or bottom, but he d said nothing about that. “Blowing someone is kinda humiliating, right? But I do that, sometimes. If someone’s ultra rare. Hot. Hot, I meant hot. Concaving also kind of sucks, but if someone’s hot enough, it work. Get it?”

Rin didn’t. In fact, nothing made him so hot and ready as the thought of giving head or bottoming, but he supposed Kaede was just a top. Flexible, but a top. A flexible top in a pikachu shirt.

Kaede slowly moved. Now he wasn’t sitting, but kneeling on the couch; he leaned towards Rin and resting against his shoulders and whispered,

“So, will you show it to me?”

Rin winced. Was it necessary to whisper it? Was it necessary to move so close? And now, embarrassingly enough, if Rin had a vagina, he’d have Niagara Falls in his pants. Except he didn’t, so he had to bear with Mont Bland. Embarrassingly enough, Mont Blanc going on Mount Everest.

Embarrassingly enough, Kaede didn’t stop.

“Will you? I want to see. Can I see? I really want to. How does it look?”

Rin held his breath -- heavy enough -- thinking for a while that Kaede was going to reach out and check it himself, but it seemed he only moved his hand to unbutton his shirt a bit and slide it down from his shoulder to pet it absentmindedly.

“Mine is long”, he said, with a slight giggle in his voice. “Not really thick, but long. Because, you know”, he added, suddenly sounding like a self-confident ten year old he was, telling some trivia about frogs, “it’s not really about thickness. I don’t know about pussies, okay? I’ve had more guys than girls. But it’s totally about the length. Because when it’s like, in and out, it’s rubbing against it, right?” He rubbed Rin’s collarbone with this thumb. Rin felt his cock twitch. If one head was too dizzy to nod, the other had to do it somehow. “So the longer it is, the longer it rubs. Easy but amazing, yeah?” Kaede giggled into his ear and then, as if after a while of hesitation, kissed it softly.

Rin was now panting, too tired and aroused to care about the fact that it probably wasn’t too impressive if he got so hard from some cheap dirty talk with ‘it’ used instead of the actual words. Penis. Peeeeenis. Vagina. HIV. Pneumonia.

“Hey”, Kaede whispered and -- just -- licked Rin’s earlobe -- and then Rin couldn’t help but make a sound, and he wasn’t really sure if it was a moan, a gasp or something else. “I’ve seen on porn that… black dudes? Have totally dark dicks. You’re kinda dark. What about you?” And when Rin didn’t answer, he repeated, “Is it darker? Like nipples? Hey”, he said suddenly, a bit louder than Rin’s ear could handle from this distance, “Hey, show me your nipples, huh? Take that shirt off. Why the hell do you need a shirt, god, Rin-chan -- Rin-chan, okay? -- you’re hot as fuck, I want your dick, I want your ass, shit, I even want your damn nips, just take off those dumb clothes and let’s fuck, okay, let’s-- just--”

Out of the blue, Rin was half-lying on the couch with Kaede half-lying on him, and out of the blue he had his hands in Kaede’s hair, and out of the fucking blue Kaede had his tongue in his mouth, and probably any other time Rin would have found it absolutely disgusting, but now he didn’t really care, or: he had other things to care about, like the fact that Kaede was doing absolutely everything to get rid of both his and his own shirts at the same time.

He broke the kiss and slapped Kaede’s hands away (how the boy planned to take off his shirt by placing his one hand on Rin’s pecs, he had no idea) to take his shirt off, and to be honest, Kaede -- it wasn’t really surprising because the shirt was terrible -- looked better without it. Thin, thinner than-- yeah, but still not thin like a small boy. Thin like a teenager. A lazy one. A lazy, but amazingly aroused and hard one, with amazingly fast hands unbuttoning his shirt.

He wiggled out of the shirt, almost elbowing both Kaede and himself in the face (and that was something, even though he was currently a bit drunk and -- usually -- not the most graceful person on earth) and continued the kiss, while Kaede attempted (probably) something akin to nipple play, which, although, felt more like an attempt to crush his ribs. Rin pushed him off himself and consequently -- off the sofa. A second later he remembered Kaede was skinny. Also, bony. Also, hitting the floor must have hurt.

It seemed, though, that Kaede has no such thoughts as he pulled Rin along with him and -- it would be possible to say that he died instantly, buried under Rin’s body, but he actually managed to survive and took a revenge by pushing his tongue into Rin’s mouth again.

“Pants”, he drawled out after a while, when he realised he was lacking both air and things to do besides kissing.

“Yeah?”, Rin expressed his interest quietly, going smoothly from kissing Kaede’s lips to kissing a freehand line from his nose through cheek to ear and to chin via the neck.

“Take your fucking… pants!”

Kaede must have figured out Rin was pretty much useless at the moment, so he pecked him quickly on the cheek (Rin almost melted; he wasn’t sure if it was because the kiss was so sweet or because Kaede had such wet lips) and took care of his pants himself, unbuttoning them in a pace that would put Rin and-- yeah, to shame.

Rin felt observed. Ogled. Rin felt naked, even though he still had his pants (and underwear) on.

“Feeling eager, aren’t we”, Kaede giggled and moved his hand to rub at the thick curve under the thin material of Rin’s briefs; Rin had no idea which was first, his thighs shaking or hips buckling up, but he knew what was next: he tried to get up, probably to kiss Kaede again, because even though he was wet like a snail after rain, it was a warm snail and quite a pleasant one. He tried to get up and succeeded, partially, because his torso did leave the floor, yes, but his head also met with the thick glass of a coffee table.

That was incomparably less pleasant than Kaede rubbing his cock.

“Er-- dude, you alive?”, Kaede asked, although Rin had a faint feeling he didn’t really care about his head more than his dick. He checked his forehead and there was no blood or anything like that, so he nodded carefully and muttered something between ‘Yes’ and ‘Mhm’; either way Kaede wouldn’t really hear it.

Kaede licked his lips in a exceptionally gross way and leaned over Rin as if he wanted to -- please please please -- suck him off, then leaned back a bit, then forward again and Rin started to wonder if he’s fallen into some precoital trance, when Kaede suddenly shook his head and grinned.

“We’ll play a bit”, he announced, as if all he’s done up to this moment was serious, effective and well-thought -- and as if Rin had agreed on it.

“I don’t want to play, I want you to suck me off”, he groaned, looking with disgust at Kaede looming over his crotch ominously. Kaede shook his head with something that sounded irritatingly like ‘mm-hmmm’ except in a negative version and leaned forward even more, so he could almost lie down on Rin’s chest.

“You have cute nips”, he said pensively. “Like chocolate.”

“No,  ”

“Yes.”

And Kaede’s grin was the last thing Matsuoka, Rin has seen in his almost seventeen years long life.

Because then he died. Or so he thought. No, he was sure this feeling was exactly what people who die feel. It felt… like eternity. And death. And heavens, and everything that’s holy. And like Kaede Sonoda licking his nipples.

Sound that escaped his lips was barely human; in fact it was barely ‘living being’ at all. If by any chance there was a Nazgûl somewhere in the club, Rin probably could have accidentally told them something.

He felt like all the atoms in his body exploded and then went back to their primal state and it took him a while to realise who he was, where he was, whose tongue it was and that he was in possession of a hand, then he used said hand to push Kaede’s head away from his chest.

“M-my dick is not there”, he uttered weakly, panting heavily. Kaede seemed to have great fun.

“You… have interesting reactions”, he said slowly and didn’t die under Rin’s murderous look. “Are you sure you’ll endure a blowjob?”

“The only thing I’m sure of”, Rin panted furiously, “is that I am only lying naked on this dumbass floor because you promised to suck my cock, not to listen what you--”

“Wow, okay”, Kaede said and rolled his eyes, and then --

KO, zero survivors.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rin was amazing. From what he’s heard from that Nitori boy, he did greatly in all his subjects, took care of stray cats and even could dance. Haru could confirm that; even though dancing in a club wasn’t something you’d have to possess special skills to do, but Rin had the proper sense of rhythm and -- let’s be honest -- great legs. So even if those great legs were ten centimeters apart from another person’s legs, Haru didn’t mind as long as he could look. Unless said person was too bold, then he wished the worst things for them to happen.

But anyway -- Rin was amazing, body and soul, and his smile made flowers grow and Haru’s heart flutter.

And at the moment, he was trying to drown himself in the shower.

At least that was what Haru chose to believe after five minutes of waiting in front of the blue room’s door and twenty of waiting in front of the bathroom door. Five minutes later this belief seemed dangerously real to him, especially since the sound of water didn’t change at all, so he took a deep breath in and opened the door. He’s seen Rin in the swimsuit (for real) and naked (in his dream) so it shouldn’t have been a problem.

It itself wasn’t a problem.

The fact that Rin was sitting in the shower curled in the smallest, tightest ball his body could manage -- kind of was.

Haru stared for a second, quite petrified, then decided to go and fetch something that could serve as a towel as there wasn’t one; Rin must have gone straight in the shower without thinking. His clothes were in the room, outside the bathroom and Haru kind of wanted to strangle Kaede and hang him on a doorknob. Kind of.

While finding a towel wasn’t a hard task (‘Where are the bathrooms, there are the towels’, said his father during a trip, then it turned out that -- no, not really) but Haru couldn’t say the same about entering the bathroom again and telling Rin to leave; not because Rin was naked but because he hasn’t moved an inch since Haru’s left the bathroom, and he had no idea what could cause that.

He took the towel, quietly slid the shower door open to turn off the stream of water. It took Rin approximately three seconds (or more, or less, it felt like forever to Haru after he’s realised Rin didn’t react immediately) to raise his head and when Haru saw his face, he regretted everything he’s done in past five minutes. Rin’s face was red, but not in that cute way like when he was blushing or after training; he was red like ‘this person has just cried’ type. If Haru could think about anything else than this, he’d probably plot out an exceptionally brutal murder. He couldn’t, so he just stared at Rin face, wet from tears and water, with thin strands of hair sticking to his cheeks.

“Rin”, he choked out and that was probably all he was able to say. It was as if Rin didn’t hear him at all, or as if he wasn’t even here; Rin looked at -- through -- behind him without blinking, with calm (though the better term would be ‘tired’ or even ‘dead’) half-lidded eyes and slowly hid his face again.

What was happening. Why was it happening? It has already happened before. A week ago. Why was Rin looking like he’s just... made out with a dementor? Like he was dead inside? What if Kaede has done something? No, not ‘what if’, it was something he’s done for sure. What if he--

God, what if he--

Only a barely recognisable motion of Rin’s shoulders stopped Haru from storming out of the bathroom and performing something brutal on Kaede.

Rin was crying and Haru realised that only because he knew him; it was different from what happened under that tree, quieter, weaker. Haru knelt next to the shower and reached out, but his hand stopped in midair.

“Rin?”, he said quietly, hand hovering over Rin’s wet hair, way darker than when they were dry. The crying stopped and Haru stared at Rin in silence, but after some time Rin’s shoulders started to shake again. Haru tensed. He’s turned the water off and he should have covered Rin with a towel immediately after that, but here we was, hesitating like someone has paid him for it. “Rin”, he repeated, quieter and softer this time, and gently touched Rin’s shoulder with his hand wrapped in the towel. “Rin, I’ve got you a towel.” No reply. “Come on, you’ll catch a cold.”

Silence.

Haru sighed (he made sure to sigh in the quietest way he could) and gently wrapped the towel around Rin’s arms. He immediately hated himself for that kind of nonsense thoughts, but he kind of liked how the pale blue towel looked on Rin’s dark skin. There was a name for this colour, but he couldn’t remember it at the moment.

“Rin--”, he tried again and took a risk this time, touching his wet, cold hair and then -- Rin twitched. Entirely. And it wasn’t a ‘stop, it tickles’ twitch, it was a ‘stop everything you’re doing and rethink your life choices’ one. And as if it wasn’t enough, Rin has decided to send the message again, this time with words. “Leave me alone.”

Haru stood. That was pretty much all he could do at the moment, although if he could, he’d like to lie down. Or kick Rin out of the shower cabin and turn the water on again, and soak until all his fingers become wrinkled like an umeboshi. Barely half an hour ago it was all nice and fun, people having fun, he had his water with lime juice and could watch Rin having fun as well, and, even though he couldn’t dance, imagine himself holding Rin in his arms instead of that weird dude. Although he wouldn’t put his hands there. Although -- maybe Rin liked it? Maybe Rin… has decided he doesn’t… like…

“Just… leave me alone, okay?”, Rin whispered and Haru squeezed the material of his shirt. It wasn’t as thick and he immediately felt his fingernails on the inside of his hand, almost like a reminded that yeah, it was happening, not too long after Rin has cried on his face and kissed him in his sleep.

The latest memory made his insides flutter a bit and he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to die calmly and quietly or explode.

“I don’t… I don’t care, I don’t give a fuck, I’m indifferent, you don’t--” The last part ended almost in a shout and a coughing fit and while Haru’s first instinct was to do something, he wasn’t exactly sure if he really wanted it. And if he had right to. He had exactly no idea what Rin was talking about and the whole situation was slowly making him feel really uncomfortable, especially since when Rin stopped coughing, he still remembered what he wanted to say and decided to continue. “--you don’t have to make pilgrimages to tell me I’m fucking gross I’m fucking aware just fucking--”

 

!

 

‘Gross’.

Gross?

Why would Rin be gross? Who told him that? Why was he saying this himself? Rin was the weirdest human being Haru has even seen -- including himself? People have told him a lot of times that he was weird, even though he felt he was perfectly fine; he guessed everyone was weird in their own way, and Rin’s way of weird did things to his-- his everything, to be honest, and recently all Haru wanted to do to him for those things was to kiss him, embarrassingly enough -- but he wasn’t gross in one thousandth. Was Rin that kind of person who got all emotional after drinking? Except instead of being happily emotional, like exclaiming his undying love to the universe, he liked to drown in the shower and self-deprecation? He’s never done anything that…

Oh. Oh.

Haru has always hated that feeling he sometimes got after an hour of sitting over math homework and thinking about that one fucking exercise that made no sense no matter how hard he tried to do it; that was the main reason he now gave up after ten minutes. Makoto, when he got the answer, even after two hours, was always enthusiastic and proud. ‘I did it! It was possible in the end!’ and so on. Haru, when it turned out something that seemed hard was horribly easy in fact, got angry, rather frustrated and really wanted to leave.

Now he almost did it and the only thing that stopped him was the wet floor, because either Rin was a raging storm or the shower was leaking.

Someone -- either Rin himself, or Kaede has suggested it; although Haru doubted it as he looked like an idiot, a stupid bubbly annoying idiot, not like a cruel idiot who uses people like this -- someone has told Rin, and he possibly agreed with that -- that he was gross because he slept (the exact word was different and Haru wasn’t a fan of using euphemisms, but he really wasn’t in the mood for explicitly stating what and how Rin did) with Kaede. Theoretically, Haru thought, that made sense. Theoretically, that is -- Haru’s seen other people do it as well and there was kind of an explanation. He’s seen girls in movies crying that no one would marry them after someone stole their kiss or groped their breasts, and apparently it was because they didn’t consider themselves pure anymore after something like that. But Rin? Haru didn’t really care about the purity thing. Haru didn’t really care about seventy percent of things a respectable citizen would care about, but that was something pretty ridiculous already.

He considered Rin to be Rin. Just Rin, for some reasons. Not a heavenly being, not a man of his dreams (although, well, he also happened to be one), not the vicious demon that possessed his cock; Rin was just Rin. A person. Who sometimes fucked up but was amazing in general. There was no such thing as purity or impurity in Haru’s case -- he’s never had sex, but he’s seen enough sex scenes in movies to make him hate the act in general, and yet in Rin’s case he couldn’t even be angry at him. Because, though, Rin wasn’t his, so he had no right to. He only wanted to choke Kaede. A bit, just for him to get the message.

“Rin”, he said quietly and that was a stupid thing to do, considering the towel was wet and cold, and that Rin was wet and cold, but maybe that was also why he should do it, and -- hugged him. Kind of. Sort of. Probably it wasn’t even a hug at all, just an awkward hand-wrap. But apparently it was the thought that counted.

Rin’s hair was so cold Haru though he’d catch a cold.

“So… Rin. I… You-- you slept with Kaede, righ? But--”

He really had no idea why he said that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

For the third time in forty-five minutes he had a terrifying feeling of being one breath away from sliding down from the sofa.

He’s managed to calm Rin down. That was an achievement. He has also managed to wash the foam and all that stuff from his hair, wash it again and dry with a hairdryer that looked like it’s seen better times, he brought him his clothes and made tea.

That was something Makoto would do for him, and he would do it for Makoto as well. But this… he wouldn’t do this for Makoto, okay.

Rin was sleeping, rather peacefully. The redness vanished from his face (mostly) and he looked almost pale in the dim lights from behind the curtains. He was sleeping in a position that normally would make Haru blush, or explode; curled like a child, with his hands almost under his cheek. He was using another towel as a pillow and his hair, still a bit wet, was spilled over it like -- Haru let himself make a cheesy comparison -- pink rays of setting sun on a yet blue sky. Of course Rin’s hair wasn’t pink and the pillow wasn’t blue, not in this light or lack of it, but he was sleeping and couldn’t criticize Haru’s metaphors.

His face was peaceful, all soft curves of his eyelids and lips and even his nose looked softer, almost buried in Haru’s chest; too peaceful, even, as Haru knew, of course, that he could move him so he could lie properly himself without the risk of falling on the floor looming over him, but it didn’t occur to him as a possibility. Something he could do. Rin was here, he was there. It should stay like this.

Except, yeah, no. They were already close, but for some reasons Haru wanted to make the distance between them even closer -- and his imagination was eager to provide him the ways he could do it. So he thought about putting his hand on Rin’s waist (to keep him warm), or giving up on trying and just holding him, or brushing that one strand of hair aside and kissing him. Maybe on the cheek. Maybe on the nose. Maybe on the lips, who cares.

The faint smell of alcohol has been replaced by the one of green apple soap Haru used to wash Rin’s hair and -- another scenario -- he could bring a larger strand of his hair to his face and smell it. Or holding him really close, really, and petting his head. But he didn’t do any of that. At this point, he preferred to observe. Watch his shoulders rise slowly, listen to almost inaudible breath. Where could he put his hand to feel Rin’s pulse?

He felt he’s heard music somewhere upstairs. He’d almost forgotten about the world outside of this room. Even though what has happened in past hour or something wasn’t the brightest time of Rin and his life; in fact it was pretty embarrassing and stupid, but he was sure there were people who did worse or more embarrassing things. Like Makoto. Haru wondered if he’d come to him in the morning, asking him what to do because he’d made out with five guys and has no idea how to tell them he’s perfectly heterosexual, or something like that.

All of this, Haru thought once, and it was a very stupid thought, looked a bit like there was a connection between Rin’s feelings about having sex with Kaede and Haru. Saying he felt guilty because he wanted to save himself for Haru would be not only obnoxiously rude but also gross, and Haru had no idea what possessed his brain to emit such a thought, but maybe there was something in it. Maybe Rin really liked Haru. Maybe he even loved him. Those assumptions were too self-centered even for Haru himself; but they were only thoughts. Thoughts that haunted him every five minutes, but still thoughts, so he let them wander and imagined himself holding Rin. Maybe they would be naked. And maybe Haru would kiss Rin’s collarbones, and then lips. Maybe he’d have his hands around Rin’s waist. Maybe they would be both in love with each other, and touching like this would be natural. Maybe he wouldn’t lie like this, dying to touch Rin, and maybe he’d just snuggle closer. Like, comfortably.

Haru sighed heavily (tilting his head so he wouldn’t blow in Rin’s face and wake him up).

Maybe he could sleep on the floor.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bows very fast and very low and breaks neck  
> I'M SORRY!!! can we like, forget this chapter exists
> 
> but, hey, you know. next chapter is gonna be fun. because the delay is entirely the fault of LLSIF, i'll say it like that:
> 
> じかい:告白日和、です!
> 
> EDIT: 'mojito person' is a fucking pun. mohito no hito, etc. find the LLSIF ref and pray for me to soloyolo a SR nontan, ok? thx xoxox


	7. Chapter 7

The night was full of banana flavoured condoms (that tasted like banana probably only because both parties were drunk enough), apple soap and alcoholic beverages, and then Rin woke up.

And fuck, the dream didn’t end.

Haru was still here, Haru was still asleep, Haru was still holding him. In a literary sense, with his right hand over Rin’s waist, so close that if it wasn’t so dark around, Rin could count his eyelashes. Like everyone did in books. Counting eyelashes. Eyelashes were cool and Rin was okay with them, but really? These people must have had nothing to do, seriously. He had other ideas about things he could do to Haru -- and while it sounded dangerous, it was nothing big, or so Rin thought. Things were always a little bit bigger when the other person was asleep or unconscious.

Anyway, what would Rin Matsuoka do? Rin Matsuoka would, for example, uh. Well. Oh, come on. Rin Matsuoka would K-I-S-S Haru. There. But no, okay -- he really would. Being around Haru was already hard and he barely restrained himself from exploding in a storm of cherry blossoms every time Haru did something cute (like breathing, or blinking) but sleeping Haru (also cute) was like… like a red button. The red button that always makes something bad happen but people press it anyway. Just like this, Rin knew perfectly that one-sided making out wasn’t -- putting it subtly -- the morally purest thing in the world, but Haru was like a magnet. Every time he was asleep, no matter how far Rin was, his thought always no matter what came back to kissing.

Like now. He could do this. Kiss Haru. He probably wouldn’t even notice; he’s drunk quite a lot for someone who’s not a regular drinker, he should be dead asleep. And it would be a little peck on the lips, right? Nothing big.

If Rin’s conscience had a human form, it would snort grossly and send a ‘lol you dumbass’ tweet. In fact, if someone Rin knew behaved like that, dared to share such lovely thoughts, laughing at them would be the tamest thing Rin would do.

Because really -- it wouldn’t be a little peck on the lips.

It would most probably end just like the other day, when he just couldn’t help but mash his face against Haru’s and do things that were pretty horrible and embarrassing in retrospect but back then, he almost died of bliss; as he probably would now. If he chose to kiss Haru. He could’ve not, and be a strong man. Sadly, he was a weak man with strong imagination, so he imagined what was needed: soft, warm (slightly parted) lips against his own, a hand squeezing his waist. Maybe some knee between his thighs, just for fun. Maybe he’d brush his hair with his hand, because last time it felt gloriously soft and silky between his fingers. Maybe Haru would wake up and there would be that moment taken straight from fanfiction when one character surprisingly kisses the other and despite the fact they had never anything in common, soon they’re making out and maybe fucking like rabbits. Yes, definitely fucking like rabbits.

Rin groaned quietly and moved as far as he could from Haru’s face by lowering his head, which resulted in poking Haru’s chest with his nose. Rin froze, eyes wide, but after some seconds of waiting, Haru didn’t seem to be awake; he didn’t also say things typical for people who wake up with other people poking their chests (‘Why are you trying to blow your nose into my shirt? Just asking’), so Rin decided to stay like that a bit longer.

Haru’s chest smelled nice, of sweat and deodorant. Some would probably say Rin was weird for thinking the smell of someone’s sweat was nice (like -- sweat. Seriously?) but first of all, Rin wouldn’t really want to wander around telling people about his preferences in men (for example because they were in men), and second of all, it was Haru and Rin had a feeling he’d be madly attracted to him even if he saw him straight out of bed, sick and dirty. Then third of all -- if there was such a thing as ‘third of all’ -- Haru’s chest really smelled nice. It wasn’t a sweat of a boys’ locker room, the one you have to kill your olfactory receptors in order to be there for even as short time as two minutes; it was more like a ‘moved around a lot’ kind of sweat of a healthy, clean person. A nice smell of a slightly tired body.

Either this, or Rin was weird.

Haru’s body was emitting warmth, Rin thought stupidly; and his body was reacting to that in the worst way there could happen. Rin felt literally paralysed and now when he was so close, he craved more, to move even closer, wrap every limb around Haru, press his body to his own, drown in him. Haru’s smell was faint and would be already unrecognisable if Rin moved back a little, but at this point it was overwhelming, and Haru’s hand on his waist felt almost hot and at this point he understood that if he stayed like that for even a minute longer, he would die. Literally. His heart would stop beating, brain would stop working, generally he’d stop everything. Stop living.

He rose up on shaking arms and slowly sat straight; Haru’s hands slid down his waist and would have fallen on the couch if Rin didn’t catch it and put down gently. What he was doing was ridiculous, because if Haru didn’t wake up when he stabbed him with his nose, he wouldn’t wake up now either, but he did it without even thinking, as if his body wanted to prolong its contact with Haru. Which was probably true.

Rin left the couch by jumping over the armrest (which almost killed him, not because it was particularly dangerous but because he forgot he’s drank quite a lot, and a rapid movement reminded him of that and of one normally well known fact: you don’t jump right after waking up) and, yeah, heading towards the door and successfully using them was his main goal, but he couldn’t resist looking at Haru again. Like Orpheus, he thought and for a moment he wondered if leaving now was a good idea. Maybe his life was like a shoujo manga -- a very sad and badly drawn one, but still -- and maybe if Haru woke up, holding Rin in his arms, he’d like him a bit more? He almost smiled at that idea.

“You make me stupid, Haru”, he whispered. Haru, blissfully unaware he was the reason of eighty five percent of Rin’s worries, kept on sleeping.

“And gay”, he added after a while. “Euridice.”

Because, yeah. Little Rin, besides being a relatively happy and cute kid, was also pretty gay for his age. The more Rin thought about that time, the more signs he found and sometimes it even made him blush a little (‘Holy fuck, mom, why didn’t you just told that little idiot he was gay as fuck, no normal kid does this shit’); he was terribly interested in the details of the process of boys’ puberty and while he didn’t draw naked women like Kou did when she was six, he raised his gay status by outwardly telling boys they’re pretty. Constantly, until his mom took pity on him and told him to tone it down, for reasons. Also (it probably was the worst) when one guy got a porn mag, while other boys were commenting on tits and cunts, he was more busy staring at cocks. Not openly, okay? With discretion. Most of them weren’t fully visible (‘’cos like, why would a dude want to watch other dicks when he has his own?’) but there was a photo. A full-page one, and the magazine was almost A4. It was a woman’s face, eyes closed, mouth wide open, tongue showing -- and a bare dick across her face.

Young Rin felt like he’s found the Holy Grail.

Later he didn’t have many occasions to dig deeper into that fascination (deeper!) because there was only one computer in the house and when mom wasn’t using it for work, Kou was playing her games, besides, its placement was the purest gem of strategy as the screen was facing the sofa, so if he even dared to look something up, mom sitting on it would instantly see that (young Rin back then didn’t realise that his mother was a) pleasantly aware of his blossoming preferences and b) pleasantly gay herself). A few times when he was home from school and Kou not, he tried looking something up, but all he got was straight porn with women as the main focus.

Several years of thinking, diagnosing and analysing every single emotion, feeling or bodily reaction, he was there. Stupid, gay and cheesier than all yesterday’s margaritas combined into one, talking to a sleeping dude and calling him mythological names. Yes, Haru was indeed making him stupid, and painfully unsure of his own emotions. Normally he was pretty sure of two things; first was that he loved Haru and the second was that Haru didn’t love him back, for some obvious reasons he had no idea about, but since when not knowing something means it doesn’t exist? (On the other hand, Rin knew at least two reasons: ‘he wouldn’t have anything to like’ and ‘he needs someone great, not someone like me’) But now he has woken up, left Haru’s embrace and consecutively the sofa -- and actually started thinking.

First of all -- he boned Kaede. He even came twice, from which once was in his mouth. How the fuck did he end up snuggled against Haru? Normally he’d say it was impossible he later boned Haru as well, but just as he thought it, it became not so obvious. After all, there were drinks. But then -- Rin was Rin. In fact Rin wouldn’t even mind staying next to Haru like that, but something told him that leaving would be better because if he stayed, he would do things. Things he could have regretted later. And that was probably the main problem here: the way it felt, waking up next to Haru. It was something he’s imagined hundreds of times, but never thought it would come true; he had no idea how to react, what to do, and the more emotional part of him took control. Because what he felt there wasn’t usual. Usually it didn’t hurt so much. Usually he wasn’t so tempted and irrationally sure Haru would never find out. But now what he felt was -- now that was the cheese -- both love and despair, because out of all the times it could happen, it had to happen exactly after he’d decided to forget about Haru a bit, exactly when he wasn’t sure why he’s slept with Kaede, exactly when it would be perfect to wake up with a loved one. Hello, you look beautiful with that mascara under your eyes, so on. He’s never felt so torn before, he’s never wanted Haru more than now and it wasn’t even in a purely sexual way; in a sense he wanted to belong. Belong with Haru, to this free space in his arms, to have right to be embraced by them. It would be so terribly easy (and cliche) to wrap his arms around Haru as well and it felt so -- natural -- to do it, and that was exactly when he knew that was, for some reasons, the boundary he couldn’t cross. It made no sense; he’s kissed Haru before when he was asleep and it wasn’t so innocent, he shouldn’t have been fearing one stupid hug. But maybe that was the reason the better part of him didn’t want it. That way, he’d use Haru. For his own needs. And he had no right to, like he had no right to be held by Haru.

Haru thought about his feelings; the rest did, as well, but it was Haru that brought it to him, outstretched his hand and made Rin feel -- for the shortest while -- as if there was nothing but Haru and himself, and that tree on this world. Haru made him forget about everything, he brought him back the ability to smile and laugh, and feel happy, even for a short while.

That was why he should have thought about Haru’s feelings as well. Since the beginning, in fact. What Rin was doing was forcing himself onto Haru, with his stupid tears and gayness and feelings Haru maybe wasn’t unaware of yet, but the others certainly have noticed it. Some even had a perfect blackmail material. Rin was wondering what Ryugazaki was thinking when he saw him yesterday; it wasn’t even about clothes, hair or make-up (although no, it was, a bit). It was in general. He had no idea if he was unsure of others’ opinion on himself or greedy of compliments and self-centered, thinking he must he something others think about. Maybe he just wanted a proof he wasn’t horrible. If there was one. Maybe he wanted to hear one compliment, even though there was nothing it could be about. (The worst thing was that people did compliment him. Pretty often. That was what it seemed. And it was important, really, and when they did, Rin felt really touched and had no idea what to do with himself -- but a day, two later he already didn’t remember such a thing happened. And it made him really furious with himself, because it was like he didn’t appreciate it, like those compliments meant nothing.)

He covered Haru with a dry towel found in the bathroom and left.

He was starting to get really hungry.

 

* * *

 

 

Haru woke up, stretched and did something he should have done hours ago.

Fell off the sofa.

Then he realised the most important thing -- that there was no Rin, and then

that he was terribly hungry, and his head sorta hurt, and that he had no idea what time it was. If concept of time was still a thing. After all, everything could have happened while he was asleep.

The thought of the world ending without his knowledge made him a little anxious, so he untangled himself from the towel (the same towel he wrapped Rin in yesterday) and got up. Having made sure he could stand and relatively stand, he headed to the door. Doors usually had something on the other side, like dinosaurs or apocalypse.

This time it wasn’t anything interesting, just an empty hall, excluding the sleepy guard smoking his cigarette. Seeing Haru, the guard almost choked and flicked the cigarette in his cup of tea. “Good morning”, he said, forcing back a yawn.

“Good morning”, Haru replied after a while, wishing the guard had told him how much it was morning. Three in the morning morning? Three in the afternoon morning? He had no idea, and the last thing he cared about now was the fact that the guard was smoking.

“Your darling went this way”, the guard said, pointing towards the stairs with his chin, and -- sweet lords -- winked. Haru stood for a moment in stunned silence. The guard must have recognised that he’s broken Haru a bit as he tried to fix it, in his own way.

“Zura’s kid…?”, he hinted, squinting. “I could’ve sworn you’ve had some real fun in that room, really!” He squinted again. “Although maybe it was the other dude. Hm, it seems I…? Nevermind. Whoever he is for you, he went upstairs! Twice. I mean, he tried twice. Because after the first time he sort of--”

“Thank you”, Haru said and his voice was probably more dead than he wanted the guard to be. He wasn’t sure why, though.

He probably should be happy, except at the moment, the thing that would bring him the most joy would be falling down the stairs. Maybe twenty times.

Walking upstairs, though, he did his best not to even slip, because for some reasons he had a feeling the guard’s eyes were piercing quite a large hole in his back. Or maybe Matsuoka-san was a big personality here and the guard was just worried about her son. Probably. Maybe. Let’s hope so.

The atmosphere upstairs wasn’t much different after the party than before; there were just as much pizza and the music played just as quietly in the background. The only difference was that people looked more tired and the biggest sofa was taken by a group of people whose main life goal seemed to be the perfect reinterpretation of one of the Lord of the Rings movie. Probably the first.

He’s came there to look for Rin, but he was nowhere to be found, just like the others. Maybe they’ve got a room to sleep in, he thought, but it wasn’t much comforting. While Nagisa and Rei looked like they could have gotten a room in the other meaning, Makoto… not so much, although Haru wasn’t so sure about that. Maybe Nagisa and Rei spent the night on playing chess and Makoto was the one who had the time of his life that night. It wouldn’t even be that surprising, Haru thought. More like funny. Sweet and innocent Makoto Tachibana woke up one morning in a completely strange flat somewhere in central Tokyo, surrounded by cans of beer, men, and at least thirteen cats…

Speaking of men, there he was.

Sitting on the smallest couch, the farthest from the bar, probably playing some game, judging by how fast his fingers were moving. He was alone and at first Haru had no idea what to do; theoretically everyone should be able to make a connection. He was point A and Rin was point B, the only solution was to connect those points. It was like 2+2=. The only solution was to write ‘4’. But for some reasons Haru could just stare at the equation blankly. Point A, point B, two -- it was like there wasn’t such concept. Later he realised this was probably because at this moment, all concepts stopped existing to make room for just one, and that one concept was Rin Matsuoka. Rin Matsuoka and his unbrushed hair, focused eyes, the way his hands moved, big and strong but somehow graceful. He was a living being. His heart was pumping blood, he was breathing, and inside his body, various organs were producing various fluids. In fact -- that was a fact -- that was a real fact -- Rin was a skeleton. A skeleton with some muscles, inside organs, blood, veins and all that stuff, heart and a brain. A brain. There was a brain inside.

Haru’s never really thought about that, but logically speaking, everyone had a brain. People couldn’t function without one, so the awareness was somewhere deep in his own, but he didn’t pay much attention to it. That was something obvious no one thought about. But now? Inside Rin’s skull, there was a brain. A fragile grey jelly. Inside a cage of bones, bones that were fragile as well. Rin was a physical being. Rin could be hurt, damaged, weakened. Pleasured. Driven to absolute peak of bliss.

Then, for some magical reason, Rin’s brain told him to look up. His shoulders relaxed, chin moved upwards, his eyeballs covered with thin, soft skin and lashes localized an object far in front of them.

(Rin looked at him.)

Lots of blood flowed to Haru’s cock.

“Rin”, Haru whispered, barely opening his mouth. This phenomenon in front of him was called Rin, and it made him surprisingly weak in knees.

The corners of Rin’s mouth rose softly, then he brushed his hair behind his ear (Haru was still gaping at him like a fish) and returned to the game.

It vanished. Rin stopped being a mass of flesh and bones and turned into a person again. The strand of hair, freshly brushed aside, slid from behind his ear on his cheek again. Haru’s heart shivered, his mouth got dry, and for a while he wasn’t sure where the floor was.

What was floor, actually?

‘Darling’, the guard said. ‘Your darling went this way.’

Haru suddenly needed water. He had no idea how much. A glass was surely not enough. He needed water. Lots of water. Endless amounts of water.

But for some reasons his legs didn’t want to walk towards the toilet.

Rin stirred when he sat on the sofa -- on the verge of it -- but for a while he didn’t tear his eyes off the game.

“You broke my combo”, he said in the end, but he was smiling softly, so Haru said nothing. He wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

Rin touched the screen a few times and (or maybe Haru is only imagining this) for a split second, he smiled softly.

“If you’re hungry”, he said, “then there’s pizza in the kitchen. Only pizza, we are banned from eating anything that isn’t pizza until there’s less than twenty left.”

Haru raised his eyebrows.

“Twenty?”, he muttered, “So how… how much exactly that someone ordered?”

“Something like fifty”, Rin said and giggled quietly and Haru -- it was stupid, but it was like he felt really angry and really in love at the same time -- had a feeling it was possible that giggle made him blush, “It’s the one with piercings all over. He also listens to Abba and has a tattoo on his back”, he added, even though Haru didn’t ask, and for a second Haru felt confused. How did Rin know that?

“But no, if you want some, then you’d have to tell me”, Rin said after a while, “Unless you want to deal with Kaede. He’s been occupying the kitchen since morning and if you go there, he’d make you try his pancakes, so on, it’s a mess.” Rin shook his head, then put the tablet away. Somehow Haru felt his movements were stiff, like he was restraining himself from doing something; so automatically he became unsure as well. He had a feeling they were looking sort of dumb, sitting far away from each other, stealing glances when they thought the other wasn’t watching. This silence -- well, silence between them, because the merry group on the couch must have gotten to the Council of Elrond -- was weird and troublesome, because one of them would have to say something at some point, but also a little pleasant. If only they weren’t so tense, it might have been even more. Haru liked silence, and he liked sharing it with others.

He opened his mouth, but Rin was faster.

“Uh”, he started, and it was not the most graceful start to ever exist, but Haru thought he didn’t mind people stuttering and saying things like ‘uh’ and ‘um’. As long as those people were Rin, and his friends. “I’m… sorry if it sounds weird, or if I’m starting some… if it sounds weird”, Rin said, and then siged, brushed his hair behind his ear (it fell back in place immediately) and glanced sideways in general direction of Haru. “But. If you mind. Telling me… how exa-- How did we, you know. Er. End like… l-like this.”

And then he swallowed, like finishing that sentence tired him to no end, and looked away.

“Like this?”, Haru repeated before realising Rin has probably meant the bed situation.

“I mean!”, Rin turned to him, face red, obviously a bit panicked, “I’m not saying.... anything, I just. Don’t remember a thing. I remember taking a shower, and then, blackout. And then I woke up.” He shrugged. It didn’t seem he didn’t care about it, though.

Haru shrugged as well -- he had no idea if it was because he didn’t want Rin to feel alone, or because he just felt like it -- and figured it was his turn to speak.

“It wasn’t… anything weird”, he said, and then realised it probably sounded wrong. After all, what weird could have happened? Of course -- of course he knew what, but -- it was really tiring, honestly. Constantly pretending you’re not gay when you’re really gay, for the person people say is gay for you, and that you’re not thinking about kissing that person every second.

Rin smiled softly -- the red of his hair was as warm as the red of his cheeks -- and leaned forward to meet Haru’s lips with his own. The kiss was nothing like the ones in the movies, the ones people liked talking about, those wet and passionate that take your breath away. It was the softest, sweetest (because Rin was sweet) kiss on Earth and Haru felt dizzy just from that one innocent touch of lips.

And then he stopped daydreaming and found himself blushing vividly in front of greatly confused Rin Matsuoka.

“I m.”, he said. Rin’s eyes begged for elaboration. “I mean. When I walked in, you were already asleep and I didn’t want to wake you up, but your clothes were sort of wet so I. Yeah.”

Haruka Nanase, the great speaker.

Rin didn’t seem thoroughly convinced, but he didn’t say anything either. Maybe aside from an ‘Is that so’, that sounded pretty weak already. “Um, so”, Rin said, his voice a bit breathy, “if you want that pizza, I’ll…”

“I can get it myself”, Haru interrupted, and for some reasons Rin looked really troubled.

“I told you”, he insisted, and it was the most shy insisting Haru has ever seen -- and he’s been growing up with Makoto, “There’s Kaede in the kitchen, and you don’t want him to try to make friends with you, besides it would be faster…”

Rin blinked and Haru thought he must have been looking stupid, because Rin blushed and his face has gotten even more troubled. “I mean. Because I know where the kitchen is.”

Haru gaped at him like fish probably gaped at everything, eyes wide and full of mindless amazement and such. “Oh. Right. I just thought it would be…” Rin’s lips parted as he turned to him and for a moment Haru was pretty sure he’s forgotten all he was supposed to say. “Nevermind. Thank you.”

Rin’s lips curved in a small smile and his eyes were warm; it happened too short to be something Makoto sometimes did, that thing where he showed Haru everything he wanted to say with his face, but it was enough for Haru to get caught in it. He absent-mindedly realised he still had no idea where Makoto was, or Rei, or Nagisa -- and that it was really concerning, or would be, for a normal person -- but he was lost. In fact -- that was what he thought to himself -- he could spend at least one eternity admiring the length of Rin’s lashes, observing how his hair looked different every day, how the tip of his nose moved when he talked. How he could be endlessly graceful in one moment and trip on perfectly smooth floor in another.

Rin got up, and for a moment Haru’s stare just followed his movements in silent awe -- it was like looking at sun, except sun wasn’t even half as dazzling -- and realised there was something he wanted to say since he saw Rin yesterday. Something he had thousand of occasions to say, but carefully wasted every single one of them, to the point he wasn’t even sure if saying this now would make a difference. But something also told him to open his mouth and though Rin was already five steps away, he stopped and turned around, and his hair fluttered around his neck. Even though the way Haru said his name was only a bit louder and stronger than a soft summer breeze.

“Yeah?”

Haru existed, eyes feasting on every inch of the neighbouring existence of Rin Matsuoka -- soft but strong, bright and clear like water -- and felt his head getting empty of things he should say at moments like this and full of things he definitely shouldn’t.

‘You’re so beautiful’.

Or

‘I’m so gay’.

but what his lips chose to spit out was

“You looked nice yesterday.”

Haru’s brain chose to send a realisation:faux pas exactly at the same moment when Rin opened his mouth.

“I mean. I mean you don’t look nice today.”

“I mean-- I mean I don’t mean you don’t look nice today! And--”

Rin snorted. Probably. Haru could have heard angelic choirs or the hum of sea as well, it would make him just as ecstatic. Rin snorted and inefficiently tried to muffle it with a cough; then it seemed he really choked a bit and started coughing for real, and -- and it was really stupid, like in those school dramas where main hero or heroine saw the object of their feelings looking slightly better than usually and did a bunch of embarrassing things, like tripping, dropping books or some precious things or causing lots of misfortune in any other way. Just like about those characters, Haru thought ‘Oh god, what an idiot’. Except in contrary to those characters, he also thought ‘I want to kiss him’.

His chest, cheeks and other organs starting with c felt warm, warmer than usual, not entirely because of sexual arousal. It felt a bit different; a mixture of what he felt that night with Nagisa at the playground (warmth, overwhelming warmth and the feeling of belonging) and what he felt that day at the pool with everyone (his mouth dry, senses tingling, maybe a bit of embarrassment, maybe some utmost desire), and maybe a bit of what he felt that day when everything turned out to be okay, or at least not tragic (Rin’s hot tears on his face and maybe some wetness in his own eyes, and the feeling as if he was in a big pool that suddenly turned from neutrally cool to warm like Rin’s hand in his). And then he felt a bit insecure and naked, not naked like ‘free’ but naked like ‘he can see everything’, and

All of this didn’t even last for two seconds. The Earth was still spinning, Haru was still breathing and Rin still was both an undercover skeleton and the catalyst of the warmth in Haru’s chest, growing with each second -- but Haru felt at least a bit overwhelmed. Rin smiled, hand still hovering in a safe distance from his lips, as if he wanted to cover his smile again (which seemed a bit like a blasphemy) and Haru exhaled shakily, most probably still staring at Rin like a frog in awe.

“You too”, Rin only said, turned around and quickly walked away.

Step by step, like a student slowly finding a solution to a math exercise, Haru came to understand what those two words meant.

‘You too’.

Haru experienced a severe shock, and internal explosion and a state close to euphoria at the same time, tried to sigh and inhale at the same time as well and ended up sounding like a dying squirrel lying in the dark. Dying squirrel someone stepped on.

By saying ‘You too’, Rin has probably meant something.

The force of that discovery almost swept him off from the couch.

And then, by all known laws of nature:

“Hey!! Has anyone seen that?! Young Matsuoka has a wooer!”

 

* * *

 

 

“One medium pizza hawaiian if you please if you have corn then please add mackerel”, Rin said on one exhale, barely saving himself from a painful death via countertop.

Kaede looked at him with mild interest.

“You look like you’ve sucked at least three cocks on your way here, Rin-chan”, he said sweetly, “Was, by any chance, one of them Haru-chan’s?”

Rin’s smile turned upside down in record time.

"No?", Kaede raised his eyebrows and a spoon from the bowl, "Then do you perhaps want to occupty your mouth with something else?"

Rin tried to shoot him a death glare, but gave up in the process, sighed and let Kaede feed him. "Delicious, yeah?"

"Yeah", Rin nodded, because it was; but pancake batter was rather hard to fuck up, so he didn't expect anything different. "But uh, actually I'm not here for your sex puns."

Kaede made an offended noise and attempted to press the spoon to his chest dramatically, but the effect was sort of ruined as there was still some batter on it, so he dropped the desperation, grimaced, then proceeded to scrub the batter off his shirt. "Then what?", he said finally, most probably trying to make it sound seductive, but again -- he ruined the effect himself, being too busy with his shirt than with seduction.  "To express your undending love for me?"

"Almost correct", Rin said with a soft smile, "But in fact, pizza."

"Pizza", Kaede repeated. Rin's patience began to wear a bit thin.

"Yep, that's what I said as soon as I got there."

"Ooooh, so those were words!", Kaede gasped, beaming like a stupid little lightbulb. Rin didn't laugh. "Okay, okay, got it, Rinrin, your babe is hungry, so you've ran here to get something just for him, hm?"

Rin winced. And blushed, because Kaede, oh god, fuck him.

(Wait, no -- let's not fuck him.)

"It's not like that, god", he muttered. Kaede made a noise of shock and he did his best to ignore him. "Like, okay, I have no idea what the piercing dude was thinking when he ordered all those pizzas but we do have to get rid of them somehow. That's all."

Kaede grinned even wider and Rin grimaced slightly. His pink gums reminded him of some other pink thing he had contact with that day, and he'd rather not think about it when getting food for Haru. Or, just in general -- he'd rather not think about Kaede's cock when Haru was less than fifty meters away.

"You're really cute", Kaede sighed and looked at Rin in a way that had him turn hid head away in no time, "No, I'm serious, that's adorable. My mom said just the same about one dude one day and you know what happened later?"

"She fucked him, yes, you told that to Kou when she was nine, I remember", Rin growled. Kaede's grin widened and Rin began to wonder if -- if Kaede tried -- his smile could actually reach his eyes.

"She kicked me in the shin!", he added, giggling, "Seriously, I almost fell in love with her."

Rin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like with everyone else in five kilometer radius. You should learn some self-control."

Kaede's smile softened; it wasn't bright like a really strong lightbulb anymore and has turned more sly, teasing.

"Not sure if i want to hear that from someone who's been calling me 'Haru' all the time", he said.

Rin froze.

Kaede smiled with his eyes closed. Smiled very widely, so widely that two small dimples appeared in his cheeks.

All the time.

All the time?

"What... wh", Rin said, with less coherence than normally, but Kaede seemed to be purely delighted. "What do you... mean..."

"Gee, you can't take a joke!", Kaede laughed, "Okay. Okay, not all the time, so chill, mm? But like, two or three times. When you were coming. Really cute."

He opened the fridge and took a pizza base. "Fish and pineapple, you say?"

Rin said nothing, because he was unable to. Blushing furiously, eyes terrified and lips slightly parted. Kaede shook his head. "Well, sorry to say, fish is out. In fact, has always been. So, pineapple and corn? Yeah?"

Rin looked at him like at an astounding painting in the museum and woke up only when Kaede waved the pizza in front of his eyes (although 'waving' might have not been a correct term for something that was as hard as a... frozen pizza, okay).

He grinned. Rin wanted to stab him.

"It's nothing unusual, you know? Like, fifty percent of so of people I sleep with are like that. It's sort of funny, like, hello, it's not Sousuke, Kousuke or Daisuke's wang you're jumping on, it's mine! Do I have to sign it?" He laughed at his joke. Rin only exhaled. Because he's been holding in air for a while.

He was pretty damn sure it was all about Kaede back then; he remembered trying to focus entirely on him, on pleasuring him -- and it wasn't so hard as he thought, actually. Maybe because Kaede was the vocal type, and in his case the vocal part wasn't entirely about making noises but more about making demands. Still -- even when he was masturbating he wasn't the type to say Haru's name a lot, partially because he felt it was a bit stupid and partially because he lived in a boarding house and if he was really stubborn on that, he'd have to whisper Haru's name, which was sorta not sexy. In books and comics it was usually loud moaning.

In the meantime Kaede has already managed to put the ingredients on the pizza and was currently standing with a confused face over the microvawe.

"What's happened?", Rin asked weakly. Kaede blinked.

"Wha--? Ah, nothing. Just wondering", he answered, and when Rin still didn't shower him with questions, he made a face and decided to explain on his own, "You don't look like the happiest person on earth right now, so I was wondering. Because if you put it in the microvawe, you'll have time for a short blowjob, and-- hey, don't look at me like that!"

He laughed and put the pizza into the microwave, slammed it shut and set the timer on; Rin watched him do it in silence. Kaede didn't seem to be joking at all -- and it wasn't anything shocking; he always said the weirdest stuff like i was perfectly normal -- and it made Rin think. Softly and slowly, because it was something he couldn't yet put into shape.

It was like writing things out on a piece of paper.

He slept with Kaede. That was a fact. And to be honest, it was amazing; Kaede might have been an colossal idiot, but he knew how to do it. First he almost sucked his brain out of him, then -- Rin preferred to pretend he had no idea how it happened, but in fact he was pretty sure it had something, everything to do with the fact that he'd suddenly decided to suck Kaede's cock, and then it went wild -- he was on top of him, and Rin was balls deep inside him, and Kaede despite his tragic hair and way too pale skin looked sorta like a crazy god of drunken sex, and whispered the stupidest filthy shit into his ear, and while it made no sense, it was the best sex he's actually ever had. It was the only sex he's ever had, the famous first time and while everyone's always said it would be the messiest tragicomedy in his life, it was actually better than all the orgasms he methodically learned to achieve by himself. So back then, when Kaede slumped on the floor next to him, giggling and panting and because of that -- coughing, he really forgot about Haru. For a really short time, but he did. And instead of imagining him in front of himself, he pulled Kaede in for a kiss and they made out slowly for a good while, with Kaede's hands wandering all over his body but strangely always ending up on his ass. And he felt really good back then, like a cool kid. It sounded the worst -- sex after drinking -- but for him, at least, it wasn't even half as bad as he imagined. He was okay with that, with himself, with the world. Okay, maybe swimsuits could be a bit cheaper, but still -- things were cool.

But when he woke up next to Haru, it was like it all vanished. His cheeks heated up and he wanted to cry because of how much he wanted Haru, how much he wanted to be worthy of him. And later, when he was pretty sure he's managed to calm down, Haru appeared and he missed the easiest fucking note. It wasn't a connection mistake, he saw that fucking circle gliding through the screen and he just stared at it with his own fucking eyes. And he didn't tap it. And if there was a proof he was still in love with Haru, that was it. His feelings didn't vanish only because he got drunk and laid. It was obvious, of course, but he was still disappointed. And it hurt, really. If someone had asked him if he wanted to get rid of his feelings for Haru, he would say no. Because he was the biggest dumbass on earth and even though he was hurting himself -- because Haru wouldn't love him back but he still didn't want to get over it, even though it was pointless, pointless -- and sort of got used to it. He wouldn't know what to do if one day he'd look at Haru and those feelings wouldn't be there in his chest.

"Rin-chan? I get it, you don't want that blowjob, but can you like, not cry here? Mm?"

Rin looked up. Kaede was looking at him with unexpected lack of careless stupidity in his eyes, the pizza was spinning slowly in the microvave, and he definitely wasn't crying.

He didn't hesitate to point that out, to which Kaede only rolled his eyes.

"Hey, you don't have to have wet eyes for it to count as crying, 'kay?", he said and softly patted Rin's head, even though they were of the same age. "So, what is it? Bitterly regretting I'm not Nana-chan?"

Rin shook his head. "No! It's just." He looked up, biting his lip, unsure. The fact that everyone and their grandma seemed to know about his hopeless crush on Haru was embarrassing enough. Telling someone he actually does want to suffer forever from unrequited love was another level of that.

But it was Kaede. He's seen him for the last time like five years ago, he was like an internet friend. Maybe telling him that was risky, but he didn't look like someone who's collecting data and using it as blackmail material. More than that -- he was pretty much the only person Rin considered talkable to right now. He was pretty sure it should alarm him, as they've only talked for like two hours before getting in one room and fucking, but he had either Kaede or the girls. There was a chance Kaede wouldn't tell him off for being a chicken and not even telling Haru about it.

(There was also his mother, but he'd rather eat his own shoes than bother her more.)

"I, yesterday", he started, not entirely gramatically correct, but that was not what counted and Kaede looked at him carefully and -- sweet gods -- seriously, "I thought it would be good to... not forget, because that's impossible, but more like... not think about him. About Haru."

He didn't even need to add that, but he did, probably out of pure masochism. Haru's name still tasted sweet on his tongue and he lowered his head again, cheeks flushing. Stupid cheeks. Stupid blood in cheeks. Stupid veins.

"But it didn't work. And I think I... don't even want that. I'm fine like that."

Kaede said nothing, and Rin's shoulders tensed -- unwillingly, he wasn't making a show --  because Kaede was probably judging, and if not, he definitely didn't think positive of Rin. Because honestly, Rin was an idiot. Endless idiot. Not only because of the fact he liked when it hurt, not even in bed but in his chest.

"Rin-chan?", Kaede said and while Rin expected him to say something at some point, his voice (not even so loud when he wasn't drunk, more like calm and even -- soft) kind of, however stupid that sounded, broke through Rin's comfortable veil of resigned acceptance. It was okay when he knew he was a cosmic loser. It was less okay when he admitted it out loud in front of someone, and when that someone had somethign to say about it. "I think it's okay, but... not really. I mean... I'm not telling you to forget about him, okay? Just... Get over-- no, that sounds wrong." Kaede's voice was his usual one and he sounded more like he was talking about weather that about feelings and unrequited love. Rin was kind of thankful for that. "I guess the good word for it would be... don't be so sad about it? Although, on the other hand, knowing that there's someone who would simply refuse you is making me very sad."

Rin blinked.

"Well, no, I--", he brushed his hair aside. It was beginning to form into another habit and he was starting to worry about brushing his hair away completely. "He didn't... refuse me. I don't even need to tell him that, I just... I just know."

Kaede looked at him emptily.

"You... didn't tell him."

Rin said nothing, waiting for something more. There certainly was something more, he thought, judging by Kaede's tone.

"You didn't tell him and now you're here being sad and gay because you didn't tell him and you think he doesn't like you anyway!"

Rin was still silent, what probably wasn't the smartest solution because the silence in that case could be taked as yes, but he also had a feeling whatever he'd try to say would come as weak and forced.

Kaede groaned. "Oh my sweet fuck, Rin-chan!", he moaned, brushing a hand through his hair, "Rin-chan, you do realise that's like, fucking dumb, mm?" He grabbed his shoulders and shook a little. "Rin-chan! He could as well be madly in love with you, that's literally the duuumbest scenario! You can't, like...!"

And then he waved his hands in the air. From what Rin understand, he meant to show one hand missing the other in a handshake, but he wasn't really sure.

"No, you know, I... don't really think that's the case, okay", Rin replied calmly and found it a bit disturbing. He was officially borrowing Kaede's speech habits. That was bad.

"Because?", Kaded asked shortly and shook him, once but hard.

Rin laughed bitterly. Very bitterly.

"Look at me", he said, "At my face. Everything. And say that 'madly in love' part again."

"Idiot", Kaede said and drew a circle with his finger on Rin's forehead in an obvious gesture. "I blew you!"

"And that was lovely of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart, but--"

"Don't get so cute with me!", Kaede shouted and shook Rin once again, and Rin barely restrained himself from rolling his eyes, because, honestly, Kaede was an epitome of getting cute with everyone he's ever met. And also getting in their pants, but that was another thing. "I mean, I blew you, and that means you're ultra rare. I mean hot. I mean it's also ultra rare to meet someone so hot, but, nevermind that. Don't give me that look!"

Rin sighed and stopped giving Kaede the look of 'That's fucking bullshit'. Or at least he tried.

"He could be as well emotionally stupid", Kaede said after a while.

Rin grimaced. "Emotionally stupid? I don't think such a thing exists."

Kaede gave him a look he certainly didn't enjoy. "Love is really blind, oh god." He cleared his throat. "Okay, what I mean is -- life gives you chances, right? Occasions. Like in Sims. Yeah?"

Rin rolled his eyes. Somehow he had a feeling he knew perfectly where this was going. "Mm."

"Yays! So. You get a prize for filling it, eh? Always! The prize is guaranteed! So--"

"But sometimes the prize sucks and you just waste LP."

Kaede groaned, the microwave did the ping.

"You don't have LP in Sims, moron!", he whined, shaking Rin even more and Rin felt the deep, strong urge to throw him out of the window. "How can you even mistake the Sims for Love Live! That's something totally different!"

Throwing him out of the window would be a waste of window, Rin realised.

"Hey, you! He mistook the Sims for Love Live, tell him something!"

Rin turned to see who that poor soul was and shivered. Externally, internally. Even eternally. The poor soul has turned out to be nobody other than Ryuugazaki. Rin has never wanted to disappear more than right now.

(That was, of course, a joke, as there were many, many times when Rin wanted that way, way more, but when he joked like that, at least he didn't feel the overwhelming humiliation. As in: take the person that barely knows you and probably thinks you're a pathetic attention whore with anger management issues, have them accidentally find out the deepest hidden secret of yours, and then have them see your weird friend telling you to confess to your crush using gaming metaphors. Level 2 of the task: don't think about setting yourself on fire or exploding.)

Ryuugazaki blinked slowly, his mouth still forming a surprised 'o'. "Are those... some kind of lubricants?"

Rin exhaled.

(Level 3 of the task: have that person be the purest embodiment of embarrassment ever.)

Kaede must have been really shocked, as he stopped shaking Rin, stopped the death grip on his shoulders and started piercing every inch of Ryuugazaki's body with his stare.

"This", Kaede drawled, "Shall be forgiven..."

Rei opened his mouth a bit more, probably to say something (and while the dude seemed like the one people say things like 'he's so handsome but then he had to open his mouth' about, Rin was really thankful for that attempt), but Kaede raised a finger on him, like an old nanny at a naughty child. "This disgusting ignorance shall be forgiven if you tell that idiot here" -- he motioned on Rin, who had a faint urge to grin and wave enthusiastically -- "to tell that horrible mistake of Mother Nature to be honest with himself and--"

"Or leave", Rin added, grinning widely and falsely, which probably led Ryuugazaki to thinking he had a really strange case of lockjaw, "Leave and take me with you, so this gentleman here will have time to be honest with himself and Mother Nature."

He quickly walked past Kaede and joined Ryuugazaki and the doorstep and patted his shoulder, hoping the utter panic in his eyes would be utter enough for Ryuugazaki to get the signal and move.

Kaede made a face and crossed his arms on his chest. "Love will always find you, Rin-chan", he said. The effect was somewhat ruined by the tone of his voice that could be only compared to the one of pouting child.

"Amazing, that's exactly what they say about gonorrhea", Rin said. Then he didn't blink or made any sort of a stupidly triumphant face (which he considered a privae achievement of some sort) and practically tugged Ryuugazaki to the hall.

"I was here to get something to drink, you know", Ryuugazaki stated, letting him do as he pleased.

"Toilets are that way. Tap water here is really delicious", Rin sighed and let go of Ryuugazaki.

"That wasn't as funny as you probably wish it would be", Ryuugazaki stated, rubbing at his wrist, "And the gonorrhea part was really low, I'd say." Ryuugazaki fixed his glasses and looked at Rin, as if checking if his words had the impact he expected. They had, Rin had to admit, but it was almost non-existent. Maybe he blushed a bit, because okay, it was. It was, like, fifth grade of primary school level, but if every low thing Rin had ever said in his life affected him, he'd be a dwarf.

"And about that thing Sonoda-san was talking about--"

"That's sorta amazing, you know?", Rin hissed, and if there was a wall cool enough he'd lean on it, for the maxed out threatening effect, "You know Kaede's family name but you're amazingly unaware of the fact that I really. Don't. Want. To."

"But you're making it really weird for the others, you and Haruka-senpai", Ryuugazaki interrupted and put his hands on his hips, like a sterotypical angry housewife. "It's really obvious! We all see there's something between you and Haruka-senpai and you both refuse to acknowledge it! It's illogical!"

"We refuse to acknowledge it because there's nothing between us!", Rin said and instantly covered his mouth with both his hands. The count of people he's humiliated himself in front of was already enormous and the last thing he wanted was for it to expand even more, even though Ryuugazaki was only one person, and that crowd was a bit more than that. "Is it-- is it some hobby of yours, or a fucking joke? Nagisa told you it would be funny? Pestering me like that?"

"I don't go along with Nagisa's jokes, if you mean that", Ryuugazaki said, still awfully calm and Rin felt -- and he instantly hated himself for that -- like wiping that gross calmness from his face. With his fist.

Something broke inside. Like strings of a twenty-four string guitar, or something like that. Rin could feel it, and he squeezed his fists --  hard, but not hard enough to break the skin.

"And I honestly don't understand why you choose to be such a martyr about things you want! Swimming, Haruka-senpai -- do you think we're a mafia that specializes in making your life harder? We're not, and if you weren't so stubborn--"

"You don't know--"

Rin has officially lost it, and lost it bad enough to stop caring about how he swore to never be violent again. He pushed Ryuugazaki against the wall, hard enough for it to make a sound but harmless enough for Ryuugazaki to only wince a bit. He seemed irritated, but Rin was almost furious, for some reasons perfectly unknown to him, and close to tears, and that made him even more furious.

"You don't know shit--"

"No", Ryuugazaki said and grabbed his wrists; his tone slightly louder but still nothing compared to Rin's, loud and shaky and fucking embarrassing, and that -- ironically, although the irony was beginning to be really tiring -- made him want to scream and kick like a kid, and if Ryuugazaki haven't said anything besides that damn 'No', he'd probably do it.

"No, you don't know shit, as you've said", Ryuugazaki snarled with ridiculous dignity, "You think we're doing this for fun, do you? Well, I'd have you informed that no, we don't! Why do you think I gave up that place in the relay? To feel good? For you to feel you have a debt to pay back?"

Rin stepped back, inhaling sharply; out of all the topics that could make it worse, Ryuugazaki had to bring up this one. Rin didn't want this, couldn't say anything to that, wasn't able to pay back and while Ryuugazaki said his goal wasn't to bring Rin down, he certainly did.

And then he continued, the bastard. And then Rin remembered a fact; a fact that a clothing held by a fewer amount of seams is going to rip sooner, and the amount of seams, at this point, was going down, really, really fast.

"I did that because I knew if I didn't, no one would be happy! Do you think no one saw how you did in that hundred meter free?"

Rin inhaled, again, and this time it was harder.

"Shut up--"

"Haruka-senpai saw that, are you aware? And he instantly went after you, and he almost cried when he thought he would never swim with you again!"

"Shut up--"

"I won't shut up because you need to hear this all!", Ryuugazaki's grip got from Rin's wrists to his shoulders, but Rin would have preferred if it completely vanished, just as Ryuugazaki himself and everything he was talking about, "Everything he said under that tree, he meant it! I find it really surprising that while you look at him all the time, you fail to notice Haruka-senpai looking at you and while I do acknowledge the fact that he might now be in love with you per se, I can't deny there's something going on and it'd be the best if you just talked about it, instead of suffering quietly like--"

"Shut up!"

Three things happened. Three, or more; it was too much for Rin to count.

The first thing was that Rin slapped Ryuugazaki's hands off his shoulders, and raised his head in a failed attempt to look straight into his eyes; it was meant to be threatening, a last attempt to show that he was the older, stronger one, but somehow -- Rin actually knew why, but 'somehow' sounded better' -- somehow it turned out trying to be threatening usually doesn't go as planned when you're half an inch close to crying your ass off.

Ryuugazaki's eyes widened, as if he's just made a big realisation. Maybe said realisation was Rin screaming in his face.

The second thing was that

"You don't understand fucking shit and if you think it's funny to play like that then you're fucking wrong, you hear that?!"

Ryuugazaki looked shocked. Probably because his head was between Rin's fists pressed to the wall, probably because he still wasn't used to Rin screaming in his face.

No one was used to Rin screaming in their face, even though it seemed it was all Rin could do.

"It doesn't work like that! It doesn't work like that you have no right to say things like this so just leave it!"

"Just fucking leave it! You heard me?! Leave it because it's none of your fuckign concern!"

The third thing was that Rin let go of Ryuugazaki, and along with that, all the strings, seams -- were gone as well.

The result of the third thing was that Rin decided to quickly leave the hall, looking for a place he could have some silence, enough to cool off.

Okay, no.

Actually he just ran away crying.

 

* * *

 

 

"What", asked the voice Haru would like to hear the least, "are your thoughts about Matsuoka Rin-chan?"

Haru put he tablet away and looked at Kaede. The bad thing was that he was holding a plate of pizza. The worse thing was that it seemed he was here with an intention to do more than just give him the plate and leave. The worst thing was that there was no sight of Rin nearby.

"If you answer, maybe I'll give you that delicious pizza I've made with my own hands", he said and his voice sounded like he also wanted to say 'Because I've added some potassium cyanide'. "Hey, what are you doing? That's Rin-chan's!"

Haru looked at the tablet, even though he knew it made no sense since it was obvious what Kaede was talking about.

"Full combo", he said and shrugged. "Rin said I broke his combo when I came here."

"On a first try, huh?", Kaede asked and Haru felt a sudden urge to sod his hunger and slam the pizza against his face.

He shrugged again. "Makoto showed me similar games once or twice. Where is Rin?"

"And why do you ask?"

Haru blinked, then counted to three. He had a feeling this idiot would be ridiculous. It came true. He regretted it.

"Because", he said slowly, "he offered to bring me something to eat, so I sort of expected him to come back, at some point", he explained.

"Oh, so you treat him as your private maid or something?"

Haru stared. And stared. And he had no idea why, but no matter how hard he stared, Kaede didn't burst out in a fit of giggles, saying 'Got ya!' or wave his hand and say 'Okay, and now the real thing'. No, Kaede was still glaring daggers at him, holding pizza like it was some weapon.

"Okay", Haru said, "I think I have no idea what you're talking about. Is Rin busy? That's why he sent you here?"

"Probably, no", Kaede answered (or at least Haru hoped he did, and didn't just say those words because he felt like it), "But first... what would you do if I said I like Rin-chan and want him to be my boyfriend?"

Haru felt a tiny explosion in his chest. Tiny. It wasn't big, but it was there. "I'd probably wonder if Rin likes you as well."

Kaede rolled his eyes and made a motion with his hand that was probably meant to show how exasperated he was, but only made Haru worry for the state of pizza. "Okay, nevermind. What if Ryugazaki-kun liked Rin-chan and so on?"

Haru still didn't understand a thing, but he figured not answering would only make that nuisance talk more, and answering might get him a bit closer to the pizza. "The same."

Kaede grinned. Haru wished people didn't have gums. "You think about Rin-chan surprisingly often!"

"Aren't relationships supposed to be two-sided, though?", he asked and sighed deeply. "I don't... think it works if only one person knows or wants it."

Kaede opened his mouth.

"Still, what do you want from me? I only want pizza. I'm hungry. I'm not saying I will starve to death if you don't give it to me, but..."

'But I'm going to fight for it. Either this, or I'm going to choke you with it', he thought.

"Okay", Kaede said. "I'm gonna tell you", he added. Then, he took a deep breath.

Then he said nothing. Haru didn't react for a while, then raised his head to look at Kaede. Maybe he was that kind of a person who can't do anything without appropriate audience, he thought. But no, Kaede was just as silent as he was seconds ago. He was only gaping at Haru, eyes wide, lips pressed in a thin line, cheeks red like apples from Aomori.

Kaede grinned and giggled. "It's a delicate matter, you know", he explained. Haru didn't feel like he understood anything, so he didn't take his eyes off Kaede.

"You're not making this easy, okay?"

"Weren't you completely self-confident just a minute ago, though", Haru noted.

"I was!", Kaede snorted. "But. But, but. That's about Rin-chan's feelings, okay. It's important. Delicate matter, as I said."

Haru felt a little bit anxious. Rin-chan-- ugh, Rin's feelings. Why did Kaede ask him about that? Did he really like Rin? Or Rei? No, he doubted that. He knew little about romance and relationships and couldn't read people's romantic thoughts as well as Kou (perks of having a brother that forces you to read his favourite comics all the time, until you end up really liking them, apparently), But Rei seemed way too busy taking care of Nagisa to develop a crush on someone else. Especially Rin. While Rei has given away his relay spot, Haru wondered if he actually liked Rin, even a bit.

He voiced his doubts.

"Ha!", Kaede said. Made a noise? "Ha. Ah. Well. Well... How to put it."

'Japanese would be good', Haru thought. The pizza was probably ice-cold by now and, for gods' sake -- where was Rin? It really wasn't like Haru treated him like his personal maid, that assumption was the most ridiculous thing he's heard since a certain redhead's 'Romantic, right?'. But he felt a bit worried.

"Dhyynghcha?"

Worried, because there was a chance Rin sent Kaede to him on purpose. But also that chance was really small, because-- oh.

?

"You said something?"

Kaede made a face of someone whose enormous efforts have been completely wasted. "I meant... I meant to say, uh... Don't look at me like that, okay, it's really--"

"What did you just say."

"IwantedtoknowifyoulikeRinchan!"

Haru's ears collected the information. It was transported to the brain, then the brain accepted it and translated. Into Japanese. And then English, and Japanese again. Corrected and made it gramatically understandable.

Haru still understood nothing.

And that nothing, damn that stupid nothing, made his cheeks a bit warmer than usual. No, not only a bit. Much warmer.

Haru exhaled, then inhaled. Then repeated said act a couple of times. Kaede stood perfectly still, redness of his cheeks contrasting vividly with his pale face.

"Why do you ask", Haru said.

And held his breath. Because, maybe. Maybe. Only maybe. But that still was a chance. Maybe was enough. Maybe Kaede really liked Rin. He'd have to be blind not to, though. And maybe Rin liked Kaede. He would have to have some vision issues, but maybe he liked paleness and wide smiles. Haru wasn't that pale anymore, especially after the training camp and all that practice outside, and smiling... He's practically just remembered he could do that thing with his lips called a smile, and he wasn't the most expressive person on Earth. Maybe Rin preferred boys that were similar to himself, bright and loud and saturated.

Kaede stood wordlessly for a while, observing Haru like he's just spoke Chinese. Then he spoke as well, loud and clear Japanese.

"Because if you do, you have to tell him."

Haru raised his head. He had a feeling that perhaps five minutes ago, or even less, Rin heard something like that as well. He wasn't sure what was his opinion on that matter. Of course it wasn't like he had right to approve or disapprove Kaede talking to Rin about this; after all, Kaede was Rin's friend. But there was one thing he didn't understand completely; namely,

"I'm serious", Kaede said, crossing his arms on his chest, "I'm one hundred percent serious. That's only fair of you. Whatever you feel about Rin, you have to tell him. I don't care what it is, he needs it."

"How do you know?", Haru said, "Did he tell you?"

That seemed ridiculous, first of all. As far as Haru knew, that is. Rin was hesitant even to hang out with him and the others. Even after Rei gave up his place in the relay for him, even after Haru ran after him. It wasn't like Haru thought those gestures were something big and important Rin should be thankful for; Haru never thought Rin should thank them for anything. If he was in a better mood, he'd say the world should thank Rin for existing, but the way Kaede looked at him, and the things he talked about wiped all traces of smile from his face. Ten minutes ago, he was fairly content. Talking with Rin normally. Even though he made a mistake and said something stupid, Rin only laughed at it. It felt natural and he wanted more of that; of seeing Rin's smile, hearing him laugh.

Even though Rin cried more often than a regular teenage boy and even though he wasn't free of that state he was in for half a year -- the state of believing he was low and unimportant and no one cared about him -- even so, Rin created light. Metaphorically. He was glowing softly, like a firefly. Metaphorically. He was beautiful. Literally.

The point was -- for some reasons, Kaede seemed to think Rin felt something about Haru as well. Nagisa and the others seemed to think so as well. It was like everyone knew something about Haru that he didn't know at all. Did Amakata-sensei know that, too, when she said that line about the red string of fate? Was she joking?

Everyone was always joking, and that was sort of irritating. Every time he wanted to know the details, they seemed embarrassed and explained shortly 'It was just a joke, okay?'. Haru felt that what he felt about Rin wasn't a joke, wasn't a joking matter. The saddest part about it was that the only competent person he could talk about it was no one else than Rin himself, and that would be like colouring picture without sketching and outlining it first. There were chances of it looking good. It was possible it could be a masterpiece, but these chances were extremely low and the most certain thing was lots of mess and regret.

And another point was, he didn't want to regret. Kaede's idea was pretty much the same as his, more or less. Clearly tell Rin his feelings. Deliver them. Make them reach Rin, as they said in pop love songs. But the problem was -- Haru couldn't see the shape of these feelings himself. He wasn't sure. What if he told Rin only about the sexual attraction, and Rin wouldn't want only that? He'd probably feel grossed out. Everybody would feel grossed out if their friend (right?) suddenly told them, 'You know, I think about kissing you a lot. And touching you, in erotic sense. If you know what I mean.' Rin would be disappointed in Haru, and another issue was -- what if the sexual attraction wasn't all? Haru wasn't good at romantic things. So he could not recognize that so-called romantic love. And he could confess only about the sexual attraction, leaving out the romantic one. Or the opposite, confess about the romantic attraction without actually meaning it. He could say 'Yes, I like you' but Rin could understand it his own way. Haru could misunderstand his own feelings the wrong way and it could turn out that he actually didn't love Rin. Maybe, assuming Rin loved Haru, Haru would think he loved Rin as well, but later it would turn out he was mistaken and in fact his main goal was to kiss Rin and hang out.

He believed this kind of relationship was called 'friends with benefits'. He wasn't sure if that was what he wanted. It definitely wasn't what he'd like to call the relationship he wanted to have with Rin. 'Friends with benefits' sounded a bit cheap, like sex. Even though it probably meant what it meant, so like: almost like a couple, except without romantic feelings.

Those damn romantic feelings were the hardest thing. How was he supposed to differentiate between them? How was he supposed to know if kissing was romantic or not? Literally speaking, it surely was. But in terms of attraction?

Ideally, the kind of relationship Haru wanted would look like... probably like what married couples in American movies did, minus taking care of children, quarreling and thirty-two-timing each other. He wanted to be able to kiss Rin, and for Rin to smile in the kiss. He wanted to make a proper dinner and eat it with Rin, and maybe make dinner with Rin as well. He wanted to know what Rin looked like when he was cooking, what ingredients he used the most; he wanted to hang out with him and show him all his favourite movies, and talk about the lightning and the music and dialogues. He wanted to swim with him, and to hold his hand. He wanted to be able to embrace Rin when he was sad, and to be embraced by Rin when he was sad as well.

He wanted to know what it all meant.

"He didn't tell me, and that's how I know", Kaede said, seemingly trying really hard to say things that make the least sense with as much certainty as it was possible. "And if I were you, I'd hurry up, because on Monday he goes back to school, right?"

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday neither Rin went back to school nor Haru hurried up.

Rin didn't go to school, for reasons Kou didn't want to elaborate on; but Haru suspected they were just the same (and just as unusual) as the reason she asked him -- softly, politely, but somewhat directly -- not to contact with him during the weekend. (And that would be it about hurrying up.)

That was okay. As in -- that wasn't okay, but if Rin needed to rest, Haru wouldn't take it away from him. Rin didn't seem like an introvert to Haru, someone who, like Haru himself, needed to rest and recharge for longer period of time after socializing, but Haru could understand that. After those six months there was still something wrong with Rin, and Haru didn't mean it in a way that would insult him; more like: there were still parts of him that weren't entirely clear. He still wasn't comfortable enough around what should feel natural to him; at least that was what Haru thought. His home, family, friends. But Rin was a bit like a -- like a glass vase Makoto once bumped into. It fell on the floor and broke, but there were enough large pieces for them to glue it together again. Haru even suggested gluing little blue stones Makoto's parents kept in a jar in the living room because it looked pretty, bu even after they did it, putting the stones exactly where the glass broke, it was still obvious it was broken. The white glue was visible between the translucent glass and there were places where Haru accidentally squeezed too much of it, or Makoto's fingers smeared the glue a bit. It was pretty, fixed like that (it looked sort of unique) but a different kind of pretty it was before, and then -- obviously -- it was still broken.

Rin was something like that. Fixed, but still broken a little. Haru chose to explain it like that. And maybe he would never be able to fix Rin completely, to bring back that twelve years old kid who laughed and loved to say the cheesiest things ever, and never wasted an occassion to race Haru, no matter what the race was about. Maybe this Rin they swam the relay with was like that. Maybe he could gather enough energy to smile and joke like he used to, but had to recharge later. That was possible.

And when he heard (from Kou again, which made him wonder if she wasn't part of the seemingly international plot against his peace, or another member of the Iwatobi Matchmaking Club; but also, if she wasn't just trying to help. What he was sure of, though, was the fact that out of them all, she was the most subtle) that Rin stayed home on Monday as well -- that was also okay. As okay as it could be, anyway. Rin wasn't the only one to skip school from time to time. But also he felt a bit worried. Curious, worried, something like that. It felt irrational, that this day, this exact Monday, two days after the wedding party, two days after he woke up in Haru's arms, Rin decided to stay at home. Maybe it was an accident. But for Haru it seemed a bit like -- he knew it was stupid, but he couldn't help thinking that -- a chance. Because the stars, gods, the mightiest beings of this world or even Rin himself made it possible for Haru do do something.

Of course what he felt for Rin couldn't be so important, on a world scale. But for him it didn't matter. For Haru, Rin was important. That was the reason he ran after him a little more than a week ago. That was also why the perspective of never swimming with Rin made everything feel dark and empty, and cold. Makoto, Nagisa and Rei together created light and warmth, but with Rin, that light and warmth felt complete. Like a perfectly drawn circle, or like a perfect glass marble.

"So this is why I don't know what to do", he said to Makoto, who stood over his bed with an exasperated face. To Makoto, who to everyone's endless amazement hadn't slept with anyone during the wedding party but slept completely alone in the guard's office, covered with a blanket that smelled faintly of cigarettes, because he'd felt nauseous after one glass of something pink. To Makoto, who probably preferred pulling Haru out of the bathtub than the bed.

To Makoto, whose face said 'go to school, probably'.

 "Because", he said, determined to come to a conclusion and follow it no matter what, "I have a feeling Nagisa would want me to go."

"Nagisa said nothing when you were going to jump into an empty pool, Haru!", Makoto groaned and rubbed his face with his hand.

"But Nagisa, and Chigusa, and Kou, and that Kaede, they all seemed to want me to... do something about this... situation", Haru said quietly. Words were even less eager to flow this time. "I... think I like Rin", he said finally, "But I'm not exactly sure why everyone seems to think that it would be the best if I just said it. I mean..."

He sat for a while, observing the sheets. They were the same, soft and sort of in a need for washing, but Haru felt as if he woke up in a hotel bed. "...something might go wrong", he said, "Everything might go wrong. Plus we're both guys" -- he looked right at Makoto, who froze in the midair, trying to sit next to Haru -- "so is it a joke?"

He looked at Makoto again; his face showed clear confusion, so he went back to observing the sheets, then the floor, the the curtains. "I don't get it", he said quietly. "And I want to", he added.

"I can't believe you're talking about your love problems...", Makoto started. Haru shot him a look a dead fish gives to its murderer (empty and lacking any positive feelings). "No, okay, Haru. I think... I mean, I don't know much about that, but I think it's the same as with the relay, you know?"

Haru rested his head on his hands and nodded at Makoto. "Of course we wanted to swim that relay with Rei. That would make us happy. But after we heard Rin... If we swam the relay like that, no one would be happy. You wouldn't be happy, and if you... any of us, in fact", Makoto said, raising his voice a little at the last part, "if one person isn't happy, then no one is."

Makoto looked at his hands, as if he was looking for a lost line on his printed speech paper. "So maybe they see how much you... need each other, or something like this. And they want to make you happy, I think. I don't know much about that."

So Haru went shopping. He walked Makoto as far as he could on the path to the school, then turned right on the way to the closest market. He threw whatever was nearby on himself, a plain blue shirt and jeans and if he added sunglasses, he would have looked like a perfect tourist. He was going to buy some things, make some food out of them and, just like a week ago, give them to Rin. Foolproof plan. And if he happened to also want to talk about feelings? That was a minor detail.

He stood over the fridges, musing. He thought about making Rin something with meat, but -- personally -- he wasn't fond of meat, and if anything, he was even less fond of cool meat. There were some leftovers from yesterday's dinner in the fridge, but he's already used leftovers last week. He doubted Rin would know about it, but somehow he felt safer preparing fresh food.

Is this what mothers come through when they prepare lunch for their children?, he thought. What he was doing was less like what mothers were doing and more like what girls were doing, in fact, pretty much the same as what girls were doing, but for some reasons, there weren't any books or sites about preparing bentou for boys. He knew how to feed himself, but Rin was something else. The food for bentou for someone else had to be pretty (he didn't care about that when making it for himself) and more or less made of healthy and valuable ingredients (he didn't care about that as well, as long as there was something to fill his stomach with (rice) and something to eat (mackerel)). Rin would probably faint if he saw Haru's lunch. It wasn't the most comforting fact.

In the end he choose plain rice, shrimps with sauce and a salad. He bought the ingredients, took them home and prepared carefully. He made sure to cook the rice perfectly and season it accordingly. He remembered Rin liked spicy things in grade school, so he choose a spicy sauce for the shrimps (and tried not to wonder whether Rin liked shrimps at all. For some reason, he couldn't remember if he ever saw Rin eating shrimps). Cooking helped him calm down, even though the feeling of uneasyness in his chest wasn't exactly something he'd call nervousness. It was... well, uneasyness. Fully focusing on preparing food didn't let him think about Rin, but when everything was done and he only had to wait for the rice to cook and cool down to set it in the box, he had some free time. He could use it to study or draw something, but -- instead -- he sat down and stared at the pot in silence.

Truth be told, he'd rather avoid big declarations. He'd rather go for something natural, like that horrible cliche of covering someone's hand with your own. It was horrible and it was cliche, but Haru liked it, or, to be precise: likes the thought of covering Rin's hand with his. The covering part was debatable, though, because Rin's hands seemed to be slightly bigger than his. It wasn't really that important, though; Haru would as well be satisfied with resting his head on Rin's shoulder (or the opposite) or even kissing him. This time for real. But then he doubted if he'd have an occasion to meet Rin like that, or if they would be interrupted, or in a public place. Or if Rin would understand.

(Or if Rin would feel the same way, or at least similar)

The right amount of time has passed, so Haru turned the heat off and took out the rice, then after letting it cool down and putting in the box along with other ingredients, he wrapped the box, just like a week ago, in furoshiki.

Then -- then there was nothing he could occupy himself with.

That was it. He had to go.

(Of course it wasn't like he didn't want to, but -- when he was tying the furoshiki, his hands shook a little. Like in the movies. He's always thought shaking hands were a little too much if it came to showing how nervous a character was, but it turned out it was a thing. A real thing.

That was what Rin did to him.

The ride to Matsuokas' house seemed too long, as Haru couldn't focus neither on the view through the train's window nor what was inside it (not like it was much interesting; some students and office workers and even some elderly people); planning what he could tell Rin wasn't too easy as well as Haru's only options were 'I like you' and 'I love you' and the differences between them. He figured it wouldn't be polite or smart to say that or this instead of 'good morning', because the chances of Rin slamming the door into his face would grow rapidly like that, but when he tried to think of something else, suddenly his head was empty like his fridge after Nagisa's visit.

Thankfully he wasn't like Makoto when he was nervous and he managed not to fall asleep or get off on the wrong station, or go somewhere else than he was supposed to. He walked casually and calmly, figuring that there wouldn't be any police or other people that might stop him and ask what was such a young man doing outside of school.

The gate was not a problem, he just jumped through it -- not effortlessly, but still -- but the front door to the building was something else. He didn't remember the flat number and he didn't want to play the 'hello, random tenant, I'm visiting a sick friend but I don't remember the code, could you let me in?' game, besides -- he didn't really think anyone would believe him.

So that was it. That was the end of his journey, because surprisingly enough there weren't any elderly ladies with even more elderly dogs in sight, not any late people hurrying for work. No one could hold the door for him, so in the end, after what felt like eternity of hopeful (and yet -- hopeless) waiting he decided to at least try.

He called a random two digit number, hoping it would be in the block's range -- although he's never tested what would happen if he called, let's say, sixteen for a block with numbers ranging from 56 to 132. He expected an elderly lady or a child, but the person who answered seemed to be a young man and for a moment Haru stood wordlessly, wondering if he didn't just accidentally pick the exact number he was hoping for; thankfully after he (very politely) worded his question, the man made a thinking noise and, not even making sure if Haru wasn't a, let's say, murderer or something like that, called someone else for help.

"Eighty-three!", he exclaimed with satisfaction and Haru, thanking him, couldn't get rid of the feeling the man wasn't much older than him, if he was older at all. "You're welco-- what? ...oh god, mom, I can't tell a dude they're weird, you're only imagining things... and what of it, guitars--"

Then for a split second Haru heard a buzz, then it got cut off just like the line.

Okay. Well.

Eighty-three.

"Eighty-three", Haru said, but the door didn't magically open, so he had to input the number himself and seconds later he had to admit -- the Matsuokas certainly were weird in a sense. He heard the buzzing again, just like that; whoever was there, they didn't bother with 'Hello?' or 'Who's there?', but simply pressed the button. Haru stared pointlessly at the door for a second before opening it rapidly and he even muttered a quiet 'Thank you', but he doubted anyone heard that.

The staircase smelt faintly of dust and almonds, just like before, and just like before he started coughing. Either someone wanted to open their own almond factory, of poison everyone in the five kilometre radius.

Walking upstairs, Haru carefully checked himself. He was wearing all clothes he needed, more or less clean and fresh-looking; he still had the lunchbox, still wrapped in furoshiki. His shoes were tied. His hair were a bit too long, but that was something he couldn't fix in a staircase. He didn't smell of sweat of too much cologne or deodorant. His hands...

He furrowed his eyebrows. It couldn't be this bad.

(Sadly, it was.)

Sadly, there was nothing he could check anymore, so after wondering if he should ring or knock, he did the latter. And waited. He considered being proud of the fact he didn't hold his breath or anything like that, but now it was really stupid, so he just waited, looking at the door. Even though he wasn't even sure who exactly opened the front door for him. Maybe it wasn't Rin but one of his mothers. Maybe Rin was asleep yet. Haru wouldn't want to wake him up only to burden him with a homemade lunchbox and a love confession.

"I told you to take the keys!"

Haru raised his head. It was Rin, definitely present and definitely not asleep. 'Sorry, I don't remember that', he thought in a very, very sad attempt at making a joke and after thirty seconds, more or less, it wasn't like Haru counted (he didn't, it just felt like thirty seconds, yes), the lock clicked and the door opened.

Haru froze. For two reasons.

First reason was called Rin, as he hadn't seen him for two days, besides, Rin at every hour and every place would make him freeze or the opposite. Rin was someone who had that effect on him, just like that.

The second reason was, coincidentally, also called Rin. The second reason had pale skin and ruffled hair, and at first didn't even look at Haru. Then, maybe two seconds in, his head snapped upwards.

He didn't say his name or ask what he was doing there, just made something between a gasp and a moan; not an erotic one, but a 'not this again' one.

"Hharu", he said and it sounded as if he said it on the inhale; Rin's stare was somewhere between Haru's nose and neck, as if he didn't want -- or couldn't -- look into his eyes; his hands almost instantly went to his hair, as if he wasn't fully awake yet but still wanted to look good.

"Am I-- Am I interrupting something? Did I--"

'Wake you up' died on Haru's tongue as Rin raised one hand to rub at his eye; as soon as he noticed Haru looking at him, he stopped.

"No", he said simply, and there was something in his voice that sounded weird to Haru. He couldn't really tell, yet, because 'No' was way too short for him to decide, but he knew one thing -- Rin was tired, and maybe sick and whatever had happened, Rin probably wasn't in the best condition to have guests.

"If I woke you up, I can come back later, or--" -- 'or not', he wanted to say, but instead he chose a safer option and held his hand out. Thankfully it was the right one.

Rin made a small 'oh' and -- was he blushing? Haru didn't know if it would be good if Rin was -- accepted the box with a slight bow, then moved aside.

"Sorry for interruption", Haru muttered, following Rin to the kitchen. It looked exactly the same as when Haru was there a week ago, minus a series of post-its on the fridge and Rin even set the box on the table the same way. The corners of his lips were curving slightly upwards, but his eyes seemed tired and worried and Haru felt the sudden urge to check his forehead for his temperature.

"I'm sorry for the overall", Rin said quietly; somehow everything he's said to Haru so far was quiet. "Nina went out to do some shopping and she woke me up so I'd open the door for her when she comes back. And... you", Rin sighed and brushed his hair aside, hand stopping in midair somewhere around his ear, two habits mended into one, "didn't have to. I mean, you've already done this once, this time I should..."

"No", Haru said, and then he felt maybe it sounded too dry, so he added, "It's not a problem. It's better that way than if it had to waste."

There was a joke somewhere in this sentence. Rin made a neutral noise and untied the furoshiki, then petted it softly. The last signs of sleep vanished from his face, though, as he lifted the lid and Haru could swear that what he'd just heard was a small gasp.

Rin looked at the inside of the box with shining eyes, blinking slowly as in in awe; his lips formed the softest of smiles as he exhaled, "Wow. Okay, I-- you really didn't have to, but..." He brushed his hair aside again, except from the other side of his face and Haru's eyes probably widened as well. He's seen Rin's face when he was twelve in every mood he was in, he's seen his every smile (very wide and very dazzling), every twitch of his expressive eyebrows; then he's seen the calm burgundy waters of his eyes when they met again four years later, his face vulnerable and shocked when they met in the sports shop and his face desperate and focused, mere centimetres from his own; he's seen him at his worst, weakest and the most vulnerable, he's felt his hot tears on his cheeks; and finally he's seen that vibrant smile of his again, in reality, careless and light, and full of happiness. Every time he fell in love with Rin, a little, step by step, slowly.

And now -- Rin was straight out of bed, hair tangled in knots, skin pale from sleep and voice quiet and raspy -- and that was it.

"I like you", he blurted out, his hands gripping the edge of the table. He's said it, with his own mouth.

"Yeah", Rin said, and for a while Haru was astounded how easy everything turned out to be, "It looks great, just looking at it makes me hungry... I want your skills, seriously."

'Oh my god', Haru thought.

"No", he said with difficulty, as if his body decided that quiet misunderstood confession would be the last thing he'd say in his life, "I meant I. I like you. I love you, even. I'm not sure. More than the salad."

 

* * *

 

 

Rin had played Love Live until he barely could open his eyes last night, but he didn't think just five hours of sleep could cause hallucinations.

"What?", he said, his hands leaving the sides of the box, though it sounded more like a weak whine.

"I like you", Haru said, or at least that was what Rin's stubborn brain chose to interpret his words as, "Or... or even love you."

W

"I don't know, and I. Don't want to say the wrong thing."

Wh

"I like you more than the salad, though. Way more than the salad, and than mackerel and water and--"

What,

"I like swimming with you, and I like you."

"What did you just say to me", Rin croaked, hands feeling as if they didn't belong to his body anymore. In fact everything felt as if it didn't belong to him, including his own brain and feelings and that leg as well, probably. He felt light, and light-headed, and then -- as fast as Haru swam hundred metres free -- it all vanished, substituted by something heavy in his chest, heavy, deep and dark. "Is it... is it some kind of a joke", he managed to say and then, right away, right after that, he was afraid to blink.

Haru's eyes widened, as if he was surprised; why he was surprised, Rin didn't want to know.

"Wha-- no, Rin, I--"

and he raised his hands, mouth still parted, as if he wanted to say something more, and then

"I", Haru said, voice raspy and quiet just as his own.

"Why would you joke about that", Rin breathes out, and with each word his chest feels -- surprisingly enough, not light at all but heavy, heavier and heavier as if it was pulling him down, as if to drown him. "It's not even--- funny. I don't understand--"

"No, Rin", Haru interrupts and -- he really does it -- places his hands on Rin's arms, slightly below the shoulders, "I really-- I really feel that, I'm not joking, I wouldn't-- Rin? Rin, are you--"

Rin was.

Rin was, although he wasn't even doing this on purpose. Tears just started rolling down his cheeks and he had no idea where did they come from, he had no idea where Haru's hands came from and why they were wandering higher and higher, until both his palms rested on his (stupid, wet) cheeks, (softly) forcing him to look up, even though he (really) didn't want to.

"Rin", Haru said, again, and Rin would've never admitted it but he felt weak just hearing that, weak and small and open, like an oyster. He was small and vulnerable, and as soon as he was opened, there was no hope left.

"It makes no sense", he whispered, squeezing his eyes close, feeling his wet lashes touching his cheeks, his chest, all his body trembling like he was a child, "I'm not-- you, you don't-- I don't deserve--"

Haru gasped, and Rin heard it very clearly, as if he was really close. "There's nothing to deserve", he whispered, thumb sliding over (caressing) Rin's cheek as if it was made of silk, or fine paper, not of wet and reddened skin. "And I really like you."

Now they were really close; Haru's nose was inches away from Rin's and Rin could see his reflection in Haru's eyes, and Haru's cheeks, softly dusted pink like a cherry tree just blossomed under his skin. His breath was soft and uneven, almost as uneven as Rin's own.

"Haru", he said, so quietly that it couldn't be even qualified as a whisper and his chest shook in soundless sob, as pathetic as it sounded. "Haru--"

"I'm sorry", Haru added, as if he's just remembered an important thing, "Maybe I shouldn't say it like this... I mean, if you don't feel this way..."

Haru was beautiful, cheeks reddened, eyes shining like thousands of stars in the sky, sky Rin used to look at in Australia and think about all the things he would tell him.

Rin was weak, little and almost worthless when he stood next to that boy with eyes made of the deepest abyss of the ocean -- he always was, he always felt like this when he thought about standing so close to Haru, but for some reasons -- some reasons unknown even to the mightiest gods, probably -- he didn't think about it at all when he slowly pressed his lips to Haru's.

And Haru didn't seem to think about it as well as he held him, as he raised him to his lips like the cold, pristine stream of water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *momo voice* YES!!!!!!! YE
> 
> ok um
> 
> HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, IKI!!! <3 <3 <3
> 
> (this is probably much less than you deserve but?? please bear with me. i wish you all your wishes to come true and also, rinharus? i love you)
> 
> this chapter was in 4/5 written in ZenWriter. It's awesome, check it out, please. (this chapter was also only finished before March because i fucked my knee up and had to stay home for four days. creativity ^^^)
> 
> okay, so, next chapter will /probably/ arrive earlier than in two months (i'm sorry!!) and yeah, we'll continue from the moment we finished (not sorry!! :-))
> 
> i.... i'll probably write a proper end notes tomorrow after school. now it's past midnight and i am dead inside. goodnight!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two things to tell you, before you read this chapter.
> 
> First one: I'm sincerely sorry for the delay, I didn't abandon this fic and I hope I'll be able to continue it without such horrible hiatuses.
> 
> Second one: I honestly don't know how many times the name 'Rin' is repeated in this chapter, and I don't want to. If you count it, don't tell me.
> 
>  **warning** : this chapter is the most... um, joyful of them all, I think, so beware for suicide and self-harm mentions.

This time it was definitely better than before, even if ‘before’ was just ‘one person kisses the other while they’re asleep, trying not to wake them up, except the person who’s asleep is in fact awake and tries not to show that’. So, as far as Haru knew, none of them had a chance at demonstrating their skills yet.

Rin’s skills were more that decent, though. He was probably nervous, since he gripped Haru’s shoulders so hard he barely could feel them, but it still felt good, soft, warm and like a good, long bath. Just like he would be surrounded by warm water, now he was drowning in Rin’s warmth, his lips moving against his, and his smell, soft and pleasant and very Rin. It also felt like Rin’s cheeks (weirdly smooth for a teenage boy) were a long forgotten natural habitat for his hands. It sounded stupid and his parents would be disappointed if they knew he used such a cliched line, but -- he wouldn’t mind staying like that forever. Except he didn’t care for what his parents would say (and speaking of, more than about the cliched line, they’d be disappointed by the fact he was kissing a boy) -- what he cared about more, at least at this moment, was Rin and his kisses and his cheeks under his palms and

Rin moaned.

In a way that made Haru’s eyes snap open, and in a way that did things to various parts of his body.

Rin was looking down, face red, hand instantly going to brush that lone strand of hair behind his ear (it fell back in place in no time). Haru took a breath, and wasn’t even loud, but Rin’s shoulders squared and he backed off a little, as if Haru has just threatened him. Something stirred inside Haru, like a cold whirlpool, because this wave of endless warmth disappeared -- and he wanted to bring it back. But right now, Rin felt distant. Like someone who’s just made a mistake and regretted it.

“So”, Haru said, mouth dry, searching for a sentence that would properly voice what was going on in his head. “So you… this… You kissed me.”

Rin in front of him swallowed, eyes widening, as if he was just realising that well, shit, he did.

And there was something deep and aching inside Haru’s chest, like a need that has only been satisfied in a small fraction, the desperate desire for more, for something full, finished, round and rich, for the sense of fulfilling and

“Why?”

That should do, he thought, and then -- No, -- because it wasn’t what he wanted to say; if anything, it was like hey, what does it mean, why did you kiss me, why do you look so sad and lost when just a few seconds ago you were the strongest god in the world, why did you press your lips to mine if you look like you wanted to run away now -- and he should have said it like that. Probably. Perhaps, but when he though about actually saying it, his mouth went dry and his lungs suddenly lacked air.

Rin frowned, and it made Haru’s chest ache a bit more because Rin -- there was something like shock in his eyes, shock and pain, as if Haru has just hit him, and before he managed to say anything--

“Sorry”, Rin mumbled, and it sounded more like it was the only word he could spit out at the moment. He looked tired and confused, and Haru did everything to restrain his face muscles from grimacing.

“No”, Haru said and brushed his hair aside -- and it was short enough that he obviously knew it would slide out from behind his ear again, to which he only repeated the motion. “I meant, why did you-- That’s… The reason. What was the reason--”

He cut off with a small noise of exasperation and probably in other conditions he’d even laugh at the clear surprise on Rin’s face, but now it was too frustrating for him to care about anything else than properly conveying his feelings for Rin. That’s what people would’ve said; right now he was in fact desperately trying, and gracelessly failing, to form a basic sentence.

People said it would be easy.

Well, alright.

“What did you--” Okay, no, that sounded wrong from the start. “Why did you-- in means of actual reason like, on… emotional basis…”

Well, fuck. No. Words were stupid, and Rin was probably scared for his life -- and that wasn’t helping him, definitely, not at all, especially since Rin was -- wow, surprise -- not Makoto, and thus Haru had to actually use speech, and really. Really, honestly. It wasn’t like he was an idiot. It wasn’t like he wasn’t capable of using speech, because he was, and he could do it as well as any other human being. Anytime.

Just not now.

Words are stupid, he thought and maybe that was the keyword. (In fact, everything was the keyword at this point.)

He stepped forward, taking Rin’s face in his hands, maybe a bit faster than he should (Rin’s eyes widened) but softly, not to scare him -- and stopped in midair, because no, no, kisses also were stupid, at least in this context; if Rin still was so confused (it was sort of annoying, to be honest, but it was Rin) then kissing him wouldn’t really make him understand, would it? Haru was pretty sure it was obvious what he wanted to know, but if Rin was still unaware, and he kissed him like this… then he would, sort of, make use of that to satisfy himself. Probably. He wasn’t sure. He wanted to kiss Rin, really, but also he wanted to have his permission, he wanted to sort everything out and just -- drown in Rin. Just like in the movies. There seemed to be a general consensus on the right order of things; one side confesses, then the other side accepts their feelings and says they feel the same, then they make out and have sex. Haru didn’t even hope for the latter, he still wasn’t really sure if he’d be able to pleasure someone that wasn’t himself properly; he just really wanted Rin to answer. Yes or no?

He slowly moved his hands down, to Rin’s elbows.

* * *

Haru’s hands were on his cheeks and Rin felt like crying, again, even though the tears haven’t really dried under his eyes. He also wanted to die, because Haru’s eyes were piercing him like -- like Haru desperately wanted something, something Rin had no idea what it was and how to give it to him. And that was already something, because frankly speaking, Rin would give Haru everything, even if that something would require, huh, murder. At this point -- no, always when he got in that mood, in that mood of endlessly wanting Haru, his body and everything, just to touch him, possess and be possessed, and that drove him crazy, always, because he must have been really sick to think of something like that--

the point was -- if it was Haru, he’d give him everything. Especially himself. And it wouldn’t even be hard.

-It wouldn’t be hard at all, to just agree with everything and accept it. Believe Haru. Because okay, his feelings were possible. They could be real. So it wouldn’t be hard for Rin to just give up and melt into Haru and his warmth.

Except it was. It was hard. It was harder than everything in his life because he’s always -- not always, but that wasn’t important -- no matter how he tried, he always ended up believing in the better option. If there was a seventy percent chance something was about to fuck up, he acknowledged the situation, and yet still, stupidly, believed in those thirty percent. And those thirty percent always ended up kicking him in the ass, and -- and that was how it would end this time, too. So ever since he’s noticed that tendency, he’s been always trying to convince himself to stop being a goddamn idiot and look at it realistically, since, simply, it would hurt less. Like -- he was this damn close to coming to terms with the fact that for Haru, he was a friend. At most. And really, he could live with that. He would probably die a couple of years earlier due to stress, because if Haru got himself an amazing wife, he’d have to move to another town, and he had no idea how much money it would take -- but still, he could cope. But then, this happened. Haru just walked in and. Did the thing.

Rin had no idea if he should he offended or not, because… that wasn’t even believable. Not at all. He’s been the worst for the last half a year and they still wanted to be friends? Okay, that totally sounded fake, but he could handle that. But a love confession? That was a joke. There was no way a sane person would love him, not after this. So… this had to be a joke. There was no other option.

(And that was what fucked him up the most, because for him, fucking with people’s feelings was the worst thing anyone could do, or -- something only the worst people deserved. Of course he might have been wrong -- Haru could have had lost a bet, or anything else. But it was only logical that the confession wasn’t sincere, and if so,)

then they must have really hated him.

They must have really hated him and that thought almost killed him on the spot. The inside of his chest felt like a volcano active for thousand of years, on the verge of erupting, hot and bubbling and he wanted to tear himself open, or to shreds, everything to get rid of that throbbing heat in his chest that apparently kept him alive, but also somehow made him want to die.

(Even though heart and heart weren’t really the same in science and emotions.)

Haru moved his hands from his cheeks down, not really breaking the contact and thus as if caressing his shoulders, and Rin could only stare at him mindlessly (even though the touch was also lethal, because Haru couldn’t be caressing him).

“Rin”, Haru said, and it seemed that was the moment he ran out of ideas; he licked his lips nervously, and -- it was the dumbest thing to say, but in his numb state of mind Rin thought that truth be told, he’d like to do it for him instead; “Rin I-- don’t… know how to say it but--”

“In Japanese”, Rin interrupted him quietly and for a moment everything seemed abstract to him. Why he was there, why Haru was there, with his hands somewhere around his elbows and speech problems, and last but not least, why did he bring food if it all was a joke -- maybe it was a part of the tactic, “And slowly, because I don’t understand any of it.”

“Rin”, Haru said again, softly, as if begging and Rin felt weak and tired; endlessly, really tired. He only wanted to hide under warm covers and fall asleep, and never worry again, and Haru and that stupid voice of his were making it impossible, sending a flood of visions to his imagination, and here he was again, hoping pointlessly, thinking about what would happen if -- if -- if Haru reached out again and kissed him, or did something else but just as good, and -- this close to being terribly disappointed.

“Can I”, Haru started and didn’t finish, even going as far as covering his mouth with a hand, and that was it; Rin felt as if there was something wet and slippery in his chest, making him want to just curl into a ball and never uncurl from it again. There it was. There it was, Haru sounding grossly suggestive or -- what was more possible -- Rin turning what he said into suggestive stuff. Maybe he should have stayed with Kaede a bit longer, or hooked up with that pierced pizza dude, or whatever else, everything to stop him from being so goddamn thirsty and wanting wanting wanting so goddamn much, wanting everything of Haru.

Some characters in novels had that soft, bittersweet way of being in love, ‘Even if they don’t love me back, I’m happy just by being by their side’ -- and Rin once discovered that he was, in fact, a polar opposite of them. If he couldn’t drown in affection, then he wanted to drown in literal meaning of this word. If Haru didn’t like him, it was fine. Alright, it wasn’t, but he could cope. Maybe, perhaps, someday. If no one would shove pictures of Haru making a happy family with his future beloved person right in his face, he could maybe look at Haru and smile without wanting to shoot himself. But when everyone started telling him he had a chance, or even that Haru definitely liked him -- that was too much, that made him feel too self-confident, that gave him stupid groundless hope, and now when he thought about it seriously, when it was obvious it wasn’t true -- that was too much.

He’d been disappointed like that once and he’d never want to repeat it. Theoretically it meant that if Haru didn’t reciprocate his feelings, he’d have to stop seeing him for at least thirty years in order not to cry himself to death and yes, of course it was gross (Rin had came to a realisation that lots of things about him were gross, actually; he’s never suspected one day he’d be one of those people who cut off the relationship if they don’t get what they want, but -- he wasn’t surprised), but then -- Rin had never felt so strongly about anyone else in his life, and nothing he’s ever read before could prepare him for that. All the first loves the teenage characters from comics of books experienced seemed nothing to him. Who cared that some Daichi was an amazing sportsman, who cared some Yui was cute. Haru was shining, literally and not, and in his presence Rin felt like one of two best people in the world, and also felt like laying down in the middle of the main street. It wasn’t like, butterflies in his stomach, it was a swarm of furious hornets. In his veins. It was burning and cool at the same time, and he felt alive, so alive, but also dead and brought back from the dead, so like, double alive, or double dead, depending from the point of view, and Rin was eternity.

That was what Haru made him feel, more or less; it wasn’t a short summertime love, so when he was given hope, and disappointed again, and when he had the perspective of people telling him to chill and find himself someone else, then --

\-- then it’d be an overkill, really.

So when Haru said his name for (he’s already lost count)th time, tears were already streaming down Rin’s cheeks in a way he couldn’t stop.

* * *

The more Haru thought, the more Rin looked like he was about to cry at any moment, and when he said his name, again, like he couldn’t say anything else, Rin looked like the saddest, the most miserable young god in the world.

Haru looked at the tears rolling down his cheeks, clear and hot, and felt something heavy and bitter in his stomach. How many times already he made Rin cry? Probably over five, and that was rather impressive, especially since he claimed he loved him -- impressive in a bad meaning. ‘You ruined it, Nanase’, he thought, and Rin in front of him seemed more distant than ever, ‘You ruined it again, all because you can’t speak like a normal person. That’s why Rin’s crying again. Because you do nothing but confuse him.’

He bit his lip and swallowed; he had to say something, he was absolutely obligated to. Something that wasn’t just ‘Rin’, even though that was exactly what he was thinking at the point.

Rin, Rin, Rin. Rin.

“I’m sorry”, he said in the end, wondering if he could put his hand on Rin’s cheek; and since he still wasn't sure about it, he ended up just awkwardly placing his palm on Rin’s shoulder, “I didn’t want to”, he looked at Rin to make sure, “I didn’t want to make you cry, I just.”

He took a deep breath, even though he had enough of breathing, thinking about what to say and other things that made Rin wait and stress even more.

“I just can’t talk because at first there was Makoto and then you, and it’s hard for me to say what you want and”

“Haru”, Rin said, and Haru realised one second too late that he, in fact, actually ruined everything; “I”, he started in that voice Haru already knew, that voice that sounded like tears, low, warm and somewhat wet and trembling, “I don’t understand a single--”

And Haru did what Rin has a week and some ago, except he was softer, much softer; he didn’t throw himself at Rin as if his life depended on it, instead he just took half a step forward and wrapped his arms around Rin, gently. One around his shoulder, and one around his waist. His chin hovered over Rin’s shoulder, as he was unsure if he could rest it here. In fact, he was unsure of everything and Rin didn’t give him any tips or hints on that, frozen motionlessly.

Haru mouthed out the words a few times, then actually said them out loud, even though his voice was surprisingly quiet, even for him, and for a while he wondered if he’s even said that for real.

“Do you like me?”

And he instantly felt stupid, because that was a stupid question. That is -- it wasn’t, theoretically. It made sense. But he felt stupid nonetheless.

Rin tensed in his arms, and for a short while Haru seriously feared that he stopped breathing altogether, but then Rin exhaled slowly and his breathing returned to normal. Too normal, Haru dared to think; his breathing was too even and shallow for someone who’s been crying mere minutes ago, and Rin seemed like that person who’s be affected by such things.

“Idiot”, Rin whispered faintly.

‘Oh’, Haru thought, half-surprised, half-amused, ‘That’s something new’.

“You’re such an idiot”, he repeated and backed off, but didn’t seem like Haru’s embrace was something he didn’t like, so Haru still held him, in some way.

It seemed Rin both regretted it and not, stepping away. Haru noted he looked a bit like Rei when something didn’t go as he planned but wasn’t as bad yet; brows slightly furrowed and lips in something akin to a put, but not yet. And a bit like that boy from his class -- not like Haru was paying special attention, the kid was just doing a presentation in front of the class -- who finished talking, was ready to say (read: read) something more and then realised that was the last slide. For Rin it was the last slide as well, and to be honest, Haru wasn’t much surprised.

“Don’t you have eyes”, Rin muttered in the end, backing away again; it was just a little, but Haru’s hands slid down from Rin’s forearms and he felt like reaching out again, even though it was just fifteen, maybe twenty centimetres between them.

“What do you mean?”, he asked and instantly regretted it; just as the words left his mouth, Rin made a violent inhale and it was nothing but anger on his face, anger and frustration and--

\--and if there was such a thing as violent flashbacks in real life, then that would be it.

Rin’s lips quivered, just like -- then -- and he looked down, on his feet, and for a while Haru though he was going to raise his head and say something; maybe even that something he was hoping for, in all his confusion, but Rin just took another breath, softer, but shaky, and walked past Haru.

Exactly this.

‘So it’s a no’, Haru thought,

and then,

‘This... isn’t the most pleasant déjà vu of my life.’

Of course it was a possibility. One he’d been thinking about, yes. But he thought about it like Makoto thought about English tests: for a very short time, finished by a ‘may it be painless and pass quickly’. It wasn’t something he actually considered, it turned out. ‘Well, if it doesn’t go well, we can still be friends. It’ll be okay.’ That was what he thought. Then it turned out that, no, actually.

He felt -- he didn’t like thinking too much about what he was feeling, maybe apart from those feelings for Rin, because they were (were) sweet, but -- he felt as if all his limbs were separated from his torso, so if he wanted to turn around, he wouldn’t be hundred percent sure if his legs would follow. He also felt weird inside, as if all his insides were actively trying to reduce their size, and as if they were full of sparkling water, and as if his throat was the driest place in the world, and

He almost had it, though. Almost. Theoretically he could still feel Rin’s lips on his own, his warm breath and hair tickling his face, and his big hands, and his unique smell no one would be able to say whether it was masculine or feminine. It was all achievable, for a moment. But then it wasn’t, not anymore, and Haru had no idea if it was because Rin never liked him in the first place (and kissed him because -- because he felt like it) or if it was because something he’s done or hasn’t done. Maybe if he’d read a tiny gesture or interpret the length of a breath in a different way, everything would go… differently. Maybe in some alternate universe he’d be still kissing Rin. Or not. Everything was possible, after all.

Aside from. Aside from this.

He turned around, even though his legs felt like made of both lead and mist, and even though he felt more like lying down, possibly in his bed, and possibly staying there for a long time; Rin was doing the dishes, Haru registered, and then -- that the sound of water was surprisingly quiet, either because Haru’s head was light and filled with cotton or because it the sound the dishes was louder.

Rin was crying, he realised, or very close to it, and the sound of glass against glass, or whatever those stupid dishes were made of, was so loud because his hands were shaking. Haru felt a pang of indescribable anxiety that, if given shape, would mean ‘He’s going to hurt himself’; and indeed, at some point -- Haru wasn’t sure if he was watching Rin for two minutes or seconds -- Rin’s hands shook more than it was safe and that what was once a glass, was currently in pieces in the sink. Rin jumped and raised his hands, and even though it was a natural reaction of checking if they were hurt, Haru suddenly thought of all those protagonists in tv series who usually made a mistake, were unsure of something or murdered a large portion of the population. They were always looking at their hands.

And then Haru was also looking at Rin’s hands, touching them, inspecting for any cuts; as opposed to the droplets of water, they were still hot and shaking, and luckily, not injured. That was the moment anyone else would probably let go of Rin’s hands and maybe say something like ‘Watch out next time’ or ‘I thought you’ll hurt yourself’; Haru only realised in painful silence that he didn’t want to let go at all, and that he liked the feeling of those hands in his was too much to even think about it.

He raised his eyes and -- coincidentally -- looked straight in Rin’s eyes, and he felt like he was in the clearest lake in the world, but also as if someone cut off his head, pulled out all his insides and put a candle inside.

And then Rin --

and then

he removed his hands from Haru’s and covered his eyes. Eyes? His face.

Haruka Nanase had no idea.

* * *

Rin squeezed his eyes shut, even though it made little sense since he’s already covered them with his hands, and -- even more, he lowered his head. The cold water was probably turning lukewarm against his hands, his pulse was throbbing through his body and he felt like he was shaking both inside and outside. His blood pressure was probably high as fuck, and that was one of the reasons he didn’t just stab himself with any piece of that broken glass. Haru would have to clean all that, and Nina was supposed to come back from shopping in a while. That would be awkward.

He would have laughed if he wasn’t too busy crying.

He was no use, no use, no use.

No matter how he tried, his body just wouldn’t cooperate. The words just wouldn’t come, because even though Rin wanted Haru with all his body, soul and whatever else there was, he was still afraid. That maybe it was a dream, or he was just imagining the last five minutes and if he said it, he would ruin the friendship he wanted to regain. At this point he was afraid of everything, and everything seemed equally possible and terrifying. Maybe it was an experiment. A social one. I’m very sorry, Rin-san, but the first rule of this group is: no disgusting feelings. Pure friendship. So if someone wants too much, it’s only obvious that they get nothing, isn’t it? And since what you feel for Haruka-senpai has been scientifically proved to be very disgusting, then….

And so on.

He squeezed his eyes shut, tight, as tight as it was humanly possible so he wouldn’t be able to open them. His hands were wet and his face was wet, and if he’s done one thing differently only five minutes ago, both would be full of Haru right now. But he hasn’t, and now he wanted to die more than yesterday evening, and that was something.

“I love you”, he said, and his voice was trembling so much that it sounded like one incoherent vibration, “I-- really love you.”

It was like a great wave of heat came through his body, a feeling similar to the one of waking up from a specifically horrible nightmare, completely drenched in sweat, or maybe less this, and more ‘walking downstairs and missing a step, and your life flashes before your eyes, but it’s just a stupid one step and you’re alive, more or less’.

“I hoped you’d never notice”, he muttered, internally slapping himself for being an idiot. The first rule of being grossly in love was ‘Deny everything as hard as you can’, and here he was, already failing. “Whoever told you, I’m gonna beat them u--”

Something soft, and a little bit warm, touched the top of his palm, and he gasped, uncovering his face, and the next thing he knew was that Haru was holding his hands in his, gently, with no force at all. His cheeks were a bit redder and he was smiling softly; maybe it was all sun’s fault, and the smile was something Rin just imagined, having spent too much time studying each angle of Haru’s lips, but there was one thing Rin couldn’t deny: that Haru was looking straight into his eyes, and that it was making him die inside.

“Me too”, Haru said (he wasn’t smiling anymore), and for a split second Rin was a bit confused, because he wouldn’t peg Haru for the one to beat people up, but then he realised what kind of situation was he in and all he could say was a tiny ‘Oh’.

He lowered his head, unsure what to say. What to say, think and do with himself, in fact. ‘Oh’ summed it up pretty well. If he wasn’t this weak, he’d probably say ‘Okay’ or even ‘Alright’.

But -- no, seriously.

When he was younger, he was perfectly fine with all those confession scenes where the lovers started smiling and making out joyfully three second after saying ‘I love you’, and it was cool for him, because hey, why would anyone do something else? Love was cool. But now, even thinking about something as innocent as looking Haru in the eyes again made him feel completely vulnerable and naked and -- and being naked in front of Haru would probably make him instantly die and

and oh god, he was so scared.

Of, like, everything. Of Haru changing his mind at any moment, of Haru thinking he was weird, of making himself look stupid (more than usual, and that meant -- really stupid), of. Himself, even. Because that was the second time already, the second time in -- what, two minutes? -- when he desperately wanted to do something, but everything (he’d even risk saying ‘his body’, but that sounded really weak) turned against him; he just couldn’t, and the more he thought about it, the more hopeless he felt.

“Rin?”, Haru said, and Rin actually trembled (oh gods, did he saw that?) because of how close he was and how concerned he sounded, and how intimate it felt; it might have been just Rin and his wild imagination, but he’d expect to hear this kind of voice in bed, or after a really sweet kiss, and the fact he heard it now, before bed, before a kiss, before anything, was making him slightly confused and very dizzy. “Are you--”

“Yeah”, Rin said, even though he had no idea what Haru meant, “I’m-- yeah.”

He looked at Haru’s hands, forearms, even collarbones -- but couldn’t bring himself to look into his eyes.

“Are you really--”, Haru started, but before Rin could interrupt him with another ‘Yes’, he decided to start again. “I’m sorry if I--”

He sighed, exasperated, and Rin felt like his heart was going to burst in his chest.

“Tell me if I’m doing something wrong, because I don’t know”, he said after a while, quietly, as if he was doing his best to choose the best words, and for Rin it sounded like he wanted to add something, but decided not to in the last moment. Haru looked down and let go of his hands, and something dropped in Rin’s stomach. “In the movies it looks easier, you know”, he added. Rin knew, more or less, but he had no idea what to say, so he just hummed noncommittally (and realised it might have not been the best decision in his life).

“Is it… my face?”, Haru asked, looking up at him, and Rin must have been looking exceptionally idiotic, because Haru elaborated, “I mean… the face I always have on. People always say…” He frowned. “I’m… I’m not always angry, or bored. Really.”

Rin felt himself exhale a weak, hysterical laugh. “No, you-- your face is perfectly fine. I like it. I mean--” he stopped. Was it okay to say such things? He had no idea. Nagisa probably would know. Everyone would know. Were he and Haru a thing? And item? Were they boyfriends yet? Were they friends? Should he tell Haru that he liked his face? Was it a thing? Oh god. Oh god.

“Shit, sorry, I--”, he inhaled sharply, feeling like a guitar string that’s just been hit, uneasy and trembling, “That’s--” inhale “I--”

Oh god.

* * *

“Rin, are you okay?”, he asked, because there was nothing else on his mind.

He had no experience in recognizing attacks or other stuff like this, he was no medic, but he could tell whether someone was feeling okay or not; and Rin was certainly not okay, looking more like a terrified animal than someone who’s just received a confession, and honestly, no movie had such a scene.

“Rin”, he repeated, trying to sound a soft and gentle as he could, and when he took Rin’s hands in his again, his shifty eyes calmed down a bit and he was actually able to focus on Haru. “Do you want to sit down?”

Rin nodded, almost unnoticeably, so Haru lead him to the sofa; Rin looked like he wanted to say something, but even though Haru was quiet and even looked at him a bit expectantly (just a bit, not so scare him), he was quiet.

“Rin, what’s going on?”

Instead of an answer, Rin softly rested his head on Haru’s shoulder, really softly, as if he was afraid that would break him. Haru bit his lip. He knew Rin was more into skinship than he was, but if he wanted it, couldn’t he just ask? Or simply do it? Before, he wasn’t so shy before sprawling himself all over Haru, and now it was like he was afraid to even breathe in his presence.

He petted Rin’s hair and nape, and then back, and it seemed he was slowly getting comfortable, to the point of starting his own series of little skinship attempts, and when he was done, Haru found himself lying on the sofa with Rin’s face buried in his shirt and hands on his waist. Haru waited, fingers still tangled in Rin’s messy hair.

“I don’t get it”, Rin started, and Haru couldn’t help but smile softly; he, too, found it a bit easier to say things if he could say ‘I don’t get it’ before. For some reasons. “I-I mean--” He inhaled sharply again, and Haru moved his hand from Rin’s hair to his hand, and intertwined their fingers. “I really don’t know what to do, I mean I’ve never had a-- I’ve never had anyone, really, and I just.” He took a deep breath and Haru squeezed his hand softly, “I just don’t want to fuck up, or seem to clingy o-or cause you problems, or-- I mean, I sorta know what to do but I don’t want you to think I’m weird or--”

“Rin”, he said, sighing softly (softly, because he couldn’t help it, but didn’t want Rin to think he was a bother), “I’ve already said I don’t get this either, didn’t I? I don’t know, maybe we’ll figure it out in the process.” He shrugged. “Makoto’s parents always say how important communication is and all that stuff, so I guess we should just? Talk? Something like that.”

“I can’t believe I’m getting the communication talk from you”, Rin said; even though he was whispering, he sounded amazed. Haru felt a bit victimized by that.

“...anyway”, he continued, (Rin’s giggle tickled his cheek) “Now just” he slowly closed his eyes “stop thinking and do the thing, for gods’ sake.”

Eyes closed, lips slightly parted. Slightly, so just a little tiny bit, not like a whale shark. Relaxed face. He probably should have had his lips a little bit wet, but licking them would make him look like a sleepy lizard, so maybe let’s not.

“Rin?”

He opened his eyes only to see Rin with a… pretty stupid face, to be honest. It wasn’t the stupidest one, but still it was somewhere high on the ranking, and Haru felt his cheeks burn a little. Did the allusion fly over Rin’s head completely? That would be embarrassing. That would be horrible, and Haru already felt his insides twisting in protest.

Rin looked almost as bad as Haru was feeling, lips pressed into a thin line and cheeks redder than usual, and after Haru’s got tired of wondering when exactly he’s made a tactical mistake (and considering sodding it all and just kissing Rin himself), Rin made a noise.

‘What?”, Haru asked, and maybe it wasn’t the gentlest thing on earth, but honestly.

“I--”, Rin started, then made a show of avoiding Haru’s eyes at all costs, “Shit. I mean, fuck. I mean--”

Haru rolled his eyes and sighed, and even though that was something he often did, it seemed it was enough for Rin. He muttered something that sounded like a tiny ‘alright’ and got off the sofa. Which, in return, was enough for Haru.

He grabbed the closest part of Rin -- which, at this point, was his shirt -- and tugged firmly; Rin wasn’t dainty or anything, but he stopped and then -- he seemed to be struggling not to sit on Haru or make any kind of body contact, and Haru almost rolled his eyes again, because really, Rin Matsuoka, or rather, Rin ‘Excessive Amounts Of Skinship’ Matsuoka avoiding body contact was as usual as… Nagisa not liking sweets, or Makoto doing a horror marathon.

In the end either gravitation won or Rin lost, which let Haru pull him closer, much closer, and if Rin minded practically sitting on Haru, then he had no time to voice his opinion, because by pulling him closer, Haru meant pulling him for a kiss. For a while -- split second -- he wondered if he hadn’t said something wrong, if Rin didn’t mean to walk away, if he’s realized he didn’t want to be with Haru in the end; but then Rin sighed, the warm puff of air like a feather against Haru’s lips, and kissed him. The kiss ended up landing more on his chin that on his lips, but Haru -- with Rin’s hands cupping his face, gentle on his cheeks like he was made of glass -- didn’t mind it at all.

Their lips parted with a quiet noise that used to drive Haru crazy in the movies and now it did, too, but from completely different reasons. Rin was close, so close; Haru could see how long his eyelashes were, now, even without the mascara, and he could see his own reflection in Rin’s eyes, and his soft blush -- even though this one he felt rather than saw, because -- again -- Rin was really close.

Rin inhaled and they bumped noses; it was only a one thousandth of a second, but Haru had felt something cold. And if that wasn’t the weirdest and sweetest thing on Earth, then Haru had no idea what was. Rin, even blushing, even after crying… the tip of his nose was still cold.

Not thinking much, he kissed that cold nose. At this point, he felt like kissing every inch of Rin’s body; now, at this exact moment, looking at his face, warm and open, and those eyes (those eyes he couldn’t look in when they were younger, because there was something in them that seemed to reach Haru’s heart, like a warm hand on his chest), looking at him with (if Haru could say so) both embarrassment and tenderness.

The general rule of thumb for social situations was: if you want to maintain good relations, try to act while sober. Haru was okay with that, it wasn’t like he’s ever drank enough alcohol to get even slightly tipsy. He’s never thought, though, that there might be something else of a similar effect. Like hormones. Or a really pretty Matsuoka Rin on top of him.

Very pretty, very close, and with a very positive attitude towards Haru, it seemed.

At first, for some reason, he felt really nice; warm and calm inside, as if he was in a big, comfortable bed, about to fall asleep. Then it suddenly became hot, and it was like his skin was being pierced by millions of tiny, thin needles.

Nanase Haruka was no longer existing.

* * *

Rin didn’t understand.

Rin, in fact, didn’t understand quite a lot of things in his life. For example, how was he still alive, or: how he managed not to murder someone and sell their insides, or: how he managed not to get into prostitution, or: why something like pineapple existed in this world.

Or: how has he managed to go from wanting to hurt the nearest person whenever Haru was near to sitting on him, twice. Both times consensually. And kissing him, more than consensually.

“Rin”, Haru said, voice so vibrant that for a while Rin thought all this was just a very pleasant hallucination; but then he looked into his eyes and confused himself even more. Haru's eyes were wide and sparkling and beautiful, and -- what was still surprising -- completely focused on him.

“Haru”, he replied unconsciously, and leaned into the kiss. A kiss that ended surprisingly early and just right after Rin found out why. At first Haru planted one on the corner of his lips, hands on his cheeks gentle but firm at the same time, as if he was holding him in place -- and then moved back a little, as if to check Rin’s reaction. That itself was the pinnacle of adorable, but then Haru continued with a soft peck on his cheek, then on his nose and the other cheek, waiting each time, as if experimentally, and when Haru craned his neck to kiss his forehead, Rin couldn’t help it and burst out laughing.

He stopped, though, as soon as he noticed Haru was looking at him as if he was a falling star.

“Haru”, he repeated, much quieter -- because why should he say it out loud when Haru was so close -- and realised that -- damn, he’s fallen hard.

He had no idea who thought of it first, but either Haru was getting handsier the deeper Rin kissed him or the opposite. His hands moved from Rin’s cheeks to his nape, caressing and scratching lightly with his fingernails; then to his shoulders (that was when Rin’s hands wandered south and found Haru’s ears, which turned out to be surprisingly soft and sensitive), and when Rin decided to put some heart into the kiss, Haru’s hands were somewhere around his back dimples.

(By ‘heart’, Rin actually meant tongue.)

Haru gasped and almost bit Rin’s tongue off (his hands stopped in midair and that was disappointing, since Rin had a powerful feeling they were about to go under his shirt) and for a while he just looked at Rin like a dog that had its ears flipped backwards. Rin noticed him mouthing something akin to ‘okay’, and then he initiated another kiss, and this time Rin had a feeling his lips were a bit more parted.

At first he just used his lips, still unsure whether that ‘okay’ was an ‘okay, let’s do it’ okay or an ‘okay, no’ okay; but then Haru made a noise, and even for Rin it was the most urgent noise he’s ever heard, so slowly, softly he licked Haru’s lips open -- and if he was still unsure whether he should really be doing this, the way Haru’s thighs clenched together made all his worries disappear. Haru made another noise, this time less urgent and more lethal to Rin’s insides, and then Rin deepened the kiss; and just as he did it, a moan escaped his lips, and he didn’t know what was more embarrassing -- the fact he’s just showed Haru clearly what state he was in or the way his thighs twitched, too.

Rin could call it a revenge, since he was practically sitting on Haru’s hips and his action caused a reaction, just as violent as his own -- but it wouldn’t be fair, since he had exactly zero control over his own body. For some reason he was now panting slightly, gaping at Haru with eyes almost as wide as his, while thoughts like ‘What are we doing’ and ‘How’ filled his head.

Haru was panting as well, lips pink and swollen, cheeks dusted with red, eyes shining (hair ruffled) and Rin almost moaned, only because of this; Haru reached out and brushed Rin’s hair behind his ear -- an empty gesture Rin used to buy himself more time, and he suspected it was the same in Haru’s case -- and then lowered his hand and gently caressed his lower lip with his thumb.

Rin was burning, positively burning, and even though, he couldn’t help grabbing Haru’s hand and kissing it. His heart was beating so fast and hard he was pretty sure Haru could feel it just by touching him, but he couldn’t stop it or move away; his mind was absolutely blank, like there was a big ball of cotton in his head, and the longer Haru was touching him, the more dizzy he felt. Now both Haru’s hands were buried in his hair, and he found himself leaning towards Haru, lower and lower, until their noses touched.

“Haru”, Rin whispered almost against Haru’s lips, since there was nothing more he could think of, and put his hands on Haru’s cheeks. They were warm and small and Rin’s lips stretched out in a tiny smile. He rested his forehead against Haru’s, eyes closing. “Haru.”

“Rin”, Haru replied, and it wasn’t a whisper; his voice was fully audible and low, and Rin felt something stir in his chest, so he raised his head and frankly speaking, it was the best decision in his life. Haru was smiling, too, but not only with his lips; it was what people called ‘smiling with your entire face’ and for the first time Rin realised how powerful it could be. The look in Haru’s eyes, the one Rin couldn’t name yet, not yet, since it was only a dream, it still could be a dream -- probably matched his own, except Haru looked way more beautiful like that. And

“More”, Haru said, and Rin exploded internally.

Because: it was just like in his dream, those dreams he pretended never happened, that’s how cheesy they were. Of course, they all featured Haru; Haru all needy and willing, writhing from pleasure and desire, Haru who didn’t let him finish because he wanted him that much, except -- those were dreams. The most embarrassing of embarrassing dreams. And this Haru, this Haru he had under him (god, the sound of it) couldn’t be more real.

(And apparently wanted him just as much, except quieter and less cheesily.)

Rin nodded, even though he was pretty sure nodding wasn’t present in any of the hottest sex scenes he’s read (it was like, well, saying ‘yup’ instead of ‘oh yeah’, or something. If real people were saying ‘oh yeah’ during sex. Rin dared to doubt) and brushed his hair aside. And then Haru pulled him closer by the shoulders.

* * *

Kissing was nice. Weird and wet, but also nice.

But maybe it depended on the person. For example, if he was to kiss Kaede, he’d rather make out with a fish. Both were similarly attractive. But Rin? Rin was good. More than good. The way his lips moved against Haru’s, the wet warmth of his mouth, even the tiny noises he couldn’t help making -- it all made Haru all hot and tingly inside, and he wanted more. More Rin, all of Rin. If it was possible. Even though the things he was doing would seem gross a month ago, now every motion of Rin’s lips, teeth and tongue was driving Haru crazy.

Rin moaned into the kiss, hips twitching, and -- as if sensing it would be too much if he continued like this -- he then pecked Haru on the lips, short and sweet. Haru’s hand instantly went from his hair (that probably needed at least one comb right now) to his cheek, his new favourite part of Rin’s body, always warm and soft and smooth, perfect for kissing. A month ago he wouldn’t think about what parts of Rin’s body he’d want to kiss; right now it seemed the most obvious topic of musing.

Rin smiled (Haru’s breath faltered) and kissed the inside of his palm, then nipped his lower lip and… froze?

Haru blinked his eyes open just in time to witness Rin staring numbly into the void, but before he started admiring his eyelashes, Rin snapped out of it and... pretty much just jumped off the sofa, eyes wide, and ran towards the table with a speed that only by miracle didn’t make him fall over.

He let out a painful shriek and a few curses in various languages, then picked something up from the table and Haru caught it in midair only because of sheer luck. He let him manhandle himself into a vertical position and push impatiently towards Rin’s room, because even though he didn’t understand much, Rin was positively panicking right now, as if there was an unknown threat looming over him, and that was enough to make Haru a bit anxious.

“What’s go--”, Haru started, but gave up, since Rin slammed the door shut so fast and loud he probably didn’t even hear him anyway. ‘And now he should turn around and lean against the door’, Haru snorted internally, and, a bit surprisingly, Rin did exactly that, panting hard, eyes unfocused, and just when Haru thought he was calming down a bit, his head snapped upwards and he swore.

“What’s… going on?”, Haru tried again. Rin moaned weakly, expression pained.

“Shoes”, he whispered, and even for him it felt a bit too dramatic. What could be so scary in shoes?

“I forgot about your shoes”, Rin added, when Haru couldn’t give him anything but puzzled silence.

“I still… don’t follow, though”, Haru risked. Rin sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes like he’s just ran a marathon, not six, maybe seven metres from the sofa to his room.

“Just think”, he muttered, “how would you react if you came back to your home and saw shoes that definitely aren’t yours of your parents?”

“Well, for starters”, Haru mused as Rin plopped heavily on his messy futon and punched a plush carrot, face an exact opposite of its goofy smile, “I’d say there’s a very polite thief in my house now?”

Rin mashed his face into the carrot and screamed. “God, Haru”, the carrot groaned with obvious distaste, “It’s just-- they’re going to find out and I’ll have no life, okay?”

“If I was Nina-san, though, I’d think you just changed shoes”, Haru shrugged, “And. Does that mean you don’t want anyone to know?”, he added, noting how neither Rin nor he clarified what they were talking about. And he was pretty okay with that, to be honest. Because -- what was that? Did that officially, or not, change anything? Was he Rin’s boyfriend? It was slightly embarrassing. He wouldn’t really mind not telling anyone, or staying friends. That is -- they were still friends, even after what has just happened. It didn’t magically erase everything that happened before. They were still friends. Who kissed. And… were in love.

“No, I mean-- it’s, it’s nothing personal, I mean -- it’s not about you, but like…” Rin sat straight and set down the carrot, then took it in his lap and started playing with its thin legs. “Say you’ve been playing table tennis for like thirty years, and you suck at it but keep going because you love this shit, but in the end you quit it because what’s the point, and just when you’re finally okay with the thought you were never going to be good at it everyone suddenly starts telling you you should compete in world championships, and. Like. Yeah.”

He stopped awkwardly, not even sparing a glance in Haru’s direction, and hid his face in the carrot again. “Nevermind. Pretend I’ve never said that”, he muttered, barely audible through the carrot.

Haru was silent for a while, quietly processing. The metaphor was well-chosen if Rin aimed at good effect; Haru couldn’t help but tense a bit when Rin mentioned quitting, even if none of them played table tennis in the last five years. Besides, what Rin said sounded twice as disturbing as it did before Haru started to think about it, because it sounded like

“You… gave up?”, he said finally, and he didn’t know if the fact Rin furrowed his eyebrows and probably made a pained face under the carrot was the proof he was right or not, so, just to be sure, “You didn’t think I’d like you?”

Something akin to a bitter snort came from under the carrot and Haru felt something squeeze in his chest, like his insides were all made of sponge. “Rin?”, he whispered and moved a bit closer, and then, as nothing dangerous happened, gently petted Rin’s hair. It was soft and cool, even though a bit tangled. “Rin”, he repeated, brushing Rin’s hair with his fingers, “Why?”

Rin shot him a mean look, but continued to be quiet into the carrot; then, after a while, when Haru didn’t remove his hand and even moved it on his nape, he made another sound of suffering.

“Isn’t it obvious?”, he scoffed, and Haru didn’t roll his eyes only because he was really in love, “Because it would be impossible. Have you even seen me?”

And that was it. Haru waited, patiently, maybe for fifteen seconds; waited for Rin to realise that, actually, it was pretty much possible, so possible that they made out on the couch and experimented with kissing, and that Haru’s confessed to him probably like ten times -- and nothing. Rin was still hiding his face, well, half of it, in the carrot, with only his eyes visible and not even so much grumpy as resigned and Haru felt horrible. Partially it was his fault for making Rin sad, again, and he had no idea what to say to comfort him. Unless…

He waited another five seconds -- for a single thought, anything that would make him not realise this idea, but none came, so he moved closer, leaned forward and, feeling like someone who’s just saying something terrible,

“I have”, he whispered, “and it was a sight I’ve never seen before.”

In the first second, nothing happened. In the second one, Rin screamed, smacked him with the carrot and jumped away, and in the third, he was horizontal, face buried in the futon, clutching the carrot to his chest, muttering something that sounded like ‘How could you’ and ‘Why would you say that’. Haru wasn’t sure, though, since Rin was speaking rather quietly, but then he raised his head, looked at Haru (cheeks red, grimacing) and said

“Idiot.”

and hid his face again. Haru sighed (something tugged at the corners of his lips and his chest felt warm again) and will all the gentleness he possessed -- well, in fact, a little less of it -- he flipped Rin on his back.

“Let go of that thing and say that to my--”, he started -- and then realised that he was leaning over Rin, hands on his shoulders; that Rin was looking at him in a way a child looks at a lone balloon in the sky, eyes wide and full of mild astonishment and surprise, and that his hair was splayed out in messy waves on the messy futon, and that just under his lower eyelashes there were tiny grey shadows, meaning he probably didn’t wash off the mascara, and that -- which hit Haru the most -- his lips have never looked this way before, cast over with a shadow that made every curve visible and flattering, and-- oh

_oh._

Rin’s hands, no, fingertips -- were barely ghosting over his cheeks, and Haru closed his eyes; this moment seemed to intimate to keep them open. This kiss was like finally laying your head on a soft pillow after a long, tiring day, and Haru’s muscled relaxed, even though it was still one of his first kisses and something in his head was telling him she should be at least a little bit nervous. But the only tension was in his chest, a pleasant feeling of two litres of warm coke in his chest (it felt better than it sounded) and he slowly melted into the kiss. This time Rin settled on chaste kisses, sweet and short, more like tiny pecks on his lips than real kisses, and when he broke it, Haru felt only a mild disappointment instead of a violent feeling of being robbed of the precious warmth of Rin’s lips. Haru liked it. He liked how all the kisses from Rin felt different but had the same sweet tone of longing, how Rin was gentle, even though he was capable of a great strength. How he’s smacked him with a plush toy and called an idiot just minutes before he kissed him so gently he barely felt it. Haru really liked it all. He really liked Rin.

“But you know”, he whispered against Rin’s lips, and the way Rin made a noise of interest made his insides boil a little, “I think you’re pretty good at me. If table tennis is a metaphor for me, that is.”

Rin grimaced and kissed him, instead of replying, and Haru would have laughed if he wasn’t… well, kissed. This time Rin was more active, having moved his hand from the gentlest hold on his cheek to running his fingers through Haru’s hair, tugging him closer and being actually more aggressive in the kissing act, if a switch from innocent pecks to actual kissing could be any aggressive. It was working, though; at this point he was pretty sure he had no idea what were they talking about, and when Rin took his lower lip between his teeth and tugged, it was like all his muscles turned to jelly. And it wasn’t just a pointless metaphor, really, as he’s lost support in his arms and got more horizontal with Rin than he previously planned.

Rin smiled, and for a split second Haru had a feeling he saw the white of his teeth.

And he was gone.

Nothing mattered. Nothing mattered aside from Rin’s body under him, and Rin’s lips on his, and Rin’s hands, one in his hair and one on his back, tracing the curve of his spine through the shirt. At some point he shrugged internally and got on top of Rin, hips and such, partially because it was getting a bit uncomfortable for his spine to be all over Rin while politely sitting next to him and partially because the idea of being the closest he could get to Rin was the most important one in his life at this point. Rin didn’t seem to mind, if not quite the contrary; his hand slipped under Haru’s shirt and continued its work here, counting the knobs of his spine and gently scratching with his fingernails, and Haru positively shivered -- and probably made a sound of appreciation, because Rin broke the kiss and pulled Haru’s shirt over his head. Haru’s limbs moved on their own, as if his entire body wanted to be sitting shirtless on Rin (it wasn’t a lie). He leaned forward again, but Rin pushed him back gently, and Haru realised, mildly flattered, that Kou wasn’t the only one in the family who appreciated muscles, after all. Actually, no -- it wasn’t even this. He supposed everyone would do that. It was natural. You didn’t have to be Kou to look at someone’s body when you undressed him.

Undressed, Haru thought, I’m being undressed, and while he wasn’t the one to get shy about it, he felt his face flushing. It was sort of ridiculous, yes, because he was wandering around like that every day in front of a group of friends and a teacher and there shouldn’t be anything special in it anymore -- but then, it was Rin. They weren’t in the pool but on Rin’s futon, and Rin’s cheeks weren’t pink because he just finished his laps. Not really.

Rin stared, wordlessly, and Haru felt more naked than he was in reality. He realised his nipples were hard and pretty much in Rin’s face, that he was breathing faster than he was just seconds ago, and -- that he was the only one shirtless.

Scandalous.

His fingers ghosted over the hem of Rin’s shirt, and when Rin only gasped quietly instead of protesting, he tugged it upwards, fingers gratuitously gliding over his exposed torso. Rin grimaced again and Haru froze, giving him a questioning look, and if he thought Rin couldn’t get redder, the world had a surprise for him again. Rin licked his lips, and while he was probably being nervous, Haru couldn’t help but feel something jump in his chest. He wanted those lips and that tongue again, but then he wanted Rin’s chest and arms and torso. He wanted Rin.

Okay.

Wow.

That was… alright.

Rin rose up on his arms in the end, avoiding eye contact like a pro and Haru’s mind was a mess, because what if he didn’t want that? What if he was being persistent? What if for some reasons Rin wanted to keep his shirt on? He had all the rights to, but at the same time…

“Rin?”, he croaked, “Can I?”

Rin’s head snapped up, eyes wide and lips parted, but then there was something mild in his eyes and his expression softened, barely noticeably, and his exhale was less shaky than Haru thought it’d be. Maybe there was even a trace of smile on his lips. Haru wasn’t sure.

“Yeah.”

Rin rose up on his arms (he was even closer right now and for a second, Haru felt dizzy) and let Haru get rid of his shirt.

“I don’t really know if there’s anything to look at, though”, he muttered.

Haru wanted to reply. Something. At first. And then he didn’t anymore, because there was something else on his mind and it was big enough to cover everything else.

Rin was big.

Of course not as big as Makoto, or Rin’s captain (although in his case, his wide shoulders were balanced by his ridiculously thin hips, which made him look sort of comical). Haru wasn’t even sure if ‘big’ was the correct word; no, actually it wasn’t even close. Rin was so... full? Rich? So full of everything -- and Haru couldn’t find words to describe it. Rin was more toned than an average swimmer and when asked about it, Kou once answered that since he was shorter that other swimmers in Australia, he probably had to build more strength; and that was it, partially. Rin was strong. Powerful. In a way that was slightly intimidating but also erotic in a sense; Rin’s body showed he could be capable of many things and Haru wanted to see those things. Experience them on his own body. He wanted Rin to do things to him, and frankly speaking -- he was aware comparing someone, especially someone you like, to a god was the stupidest, most cliche thing in the history of literature, cinematography, music and whatever field there existed, but he couldn’t help. Rin looked like a deity. A deity of harvest and fertility, however weird that sounded. While Haru’s hands were small, Rin’s were larger and stronger; Haru’s torso was undeveloped, Rin’s was broad and full of curves where Haru was flat or pointy. Rin was beautiful; Rin was so beautiful that Haru felt a bit threatened. He didn’t fear that Rin’s beauty would overthrow his, no; he barely considered himself beautiful, more like moderately aesthetically pleasing. No, Rin was dangerous to his impulse control because Haru wanted everything of him, and when Rin lay in front of him, unprotected by clothing, he had a feeling -- that grew in strength every second -- that he could take it. He wanted to kiss every inch of Rin’s body, trace his abs with his tongue, squeeze his pecs, bite his nipples. Rin was eternal. Rin Thesmophoros.

“Uh, Haru?”

Haru blinked, a bit numb, and at first he had no idea why Rin sounded so concerned; then he inhaled, and his chest heaved way more than it should. His cheeks burned, probably very similar to Rin’s hair in colour, and he swallowed. Twice.

“Rin”, he said, and it sounded like he was dying.

* * *

He was dying, he was being torn apart, to shreds, to pieces, and it was all Haru’s doing.

His hand was long lost in Haru’s hair and if someone asked him how many fingers he had, he wouldn’t be able to answer, just like he wasn’t able to breathe now, choking on his own breath and tears and Haru’s lips were on him, on all of him, entire body at once, and his hands were on his hips, pinning him down or maybe setting him free; he didn’t know.

He knew there was such a thing as an erogenous zone, he wasn’t an idiot, and he knew all he had, after years of deeply learning his own body, but he didn’t know Haru had a built-in radar. He didn’t know he’d zoom in on his nipples of all things, and use all the best tricks Rin has shown him while kissing him before. He didn’t know, and he should have, since he’s read and watched and consumed so much porn he should be able to write a book at this point, that when Haru started caressing him, his entire body would flip him a bird and become hypersensitive, right here, right now, why the fuck now, have a good fucking time, Matsuoka.

“Rin?”, Haru whispered, lips losing contact with Rin’s ribcage, and for a split second Rin had a very strong urge to just push his head against his ribcage, because that was unacceptable, what he just did -- before he realised that with his controlless limbs and in his state right now that operation would pretty much break his ribs and Haru’s nose.

“Just--”, he gasped, trying to take control over his heaving chest and at least thirty moans and sighs in his throat getting ready to ruin his reputation as a human being, “just take me--”

And then he moaned, even though Haru wasn’t touching him, because well, fuck, that was it about any reputation. He didn’t even have time to say something like ‘Wait, no, you never heard that’, because Haru just, sort of, took his words to heart. Rin was a little bit offended, thought, because that would mean he didn’t find anything strange in that line. And it was the worst line.

Haru’s lips went lower, slowly and gently and mercilessly, as he kissed and licked the skin below Rin’s ribcage, and when he nipped the patch of skin above his navel, Rin choked on air. Haru kept going on, occasionally whispering his name, one hand caressing the parts of Rin’s belly he wasn’t kissing at the time, the other palming his crotch and petting his thighs, tense and shaking. Rin had no idea what to do with his hands anymore, since Haru’s head was now more similar to a bird’s nest than to a head and his fingers were shaking way too much for him to consider any action towards Haru, so he just moved them onto Haru’s shoulders and prayed not to injure him.

From time to time he felt Haru raise his head for a second and that was when he probably checked if Rin was alive yet. One time, when he was exploring the territory around Rin’s nipples, he asked if it felt good, to which Rin replied with a sound (but he wasn’t sure) that definitely wasn’t neither human nor coherent, and that must have had scared him since he didn’t ask about it anymore. Regardless of the reason, Rin was determined to never mention this again.

“You.. don’t have to”, he panted when Haru’s gotten low enough for him to be concerned, and, thank all gods, Haru stopped.

“But I want to”, he muttered, drawing a circle with his index finger on Rin’s crotch, and Rin wasn’t sure if he wanted to jump at him or injure him for this, “If it’s okay.”

“It is”, Rin whispered weakly, and for a second he felt extremely flattered by the eagerness Haru returned to what he was previously doing with (even though the speed with which Haru unzipped his pants was gently alarming), but the feeling of cool air on his thighs made him a bit uncomfortable, for some reason.

And then he

remembered, and

almost broke Haru’s nose, and then almost his own, by bringing his knees to his chests, and consecutively, almost ripped his pants by crawling away.

He wouldn’t have minded if at least one of those ‘almost’s disappeared, or if he vanished completely, or if it was all a dream and he woke up, or just anything, any typical situation from his daily life that would prove the past thirty minutes unreal and leave him bitter for the next twelve hours, but not like this. Not like this.

Because there were lots of things about himself he didn’t want Haru to know about, and some of them were internal, hidden deep inside him, but some, especially this one, were always visible, and he could have known, he could have not been the biggest idiot of all the time, he could have

not allowed this,

and

“No”, he whispered, because that was the only way he could say anything without letting Haru know he was bawling like a stupid child, again.

“Rin”, Haru said, and by his voice Rin knew he was both really alarmed and getting really close, and

“N-no”, he repeated, and curled into the tightest ball he could, and tried not to think about how dumb it must have looked, but then, he was dumb, so it was all okay, somehow.

“Rin”, he heard, louder, or maybe closer, he didn’t know and didn’t want to know, and he pressed his head to his knees harder, to the point his forehead hurt, “Rin, you-- Rin.”

He felt fingers sliding into his hair and curled tighter, even though it was technically impossible; “Leave” was all he managed to say, and it was just this, without ‘Haru’, because he felt he’d break to pieces if he had to say this name now, like this. Because it was stupid, endlessly stupid of him to think that those thirty, not even thirty minutes of happiness would be any longer. Not even thirty minutes, because he’s started to believe in it pretty recently. He barely managed to believe in Haru’s lips on his, or his hands on his cheeks and the way he reacted to his kisses, and the way he always asked for permission, even though Rin was pretty sure his thirst was visible from miles away -- and then he had to ruin it. Or maybe he ruined it three years ago. Maybe if he cut a bit deeper…

“Rin”, he heard again, and realised he was being embraced, and a head was resting on his head. “Rin. I’m not going to leave.”

The ambiguity of this confession was what did it. Rin felt his shoulders shake as he choked on the first sob, particularly violent -- and then it all went down, and boiled down to Haru holding him and petting his hair, and whispering his name from time to time. But Rin couldn’t calm down, no matter how he tried, because -- because Haru was just too good. He knew he couldn’t just walk out, especially since Nina was home, so he stayed. That was all. It didn’t mean he wasn’t affected by it, or something like that.

Haru’s hand reached for his chin, gently prodding his face upwards, and even though Rin did everything to avoid doing it, he couldn’t help it, not when it was Haru (thirty stupid minutes and he’s already gotten addicted to the feeling of Haru’s hands on his cheeks). But he made sure his eyes didn’t ever stutter in Haru’s direction, no; he kept on stubbornly glaring to the left, even though with each second the feeling that his eyes were going to flow out via his ears was growing stronger and stronger.

“Rin, look at me”, Haru said quietly, and after some seconds Rin glanced quickly in his direction. He felt Haru’s warm sigh on his face. “I’m not going to leave.”

“Yeah, because Nina’s back and you’d have some explanations to make”, he hissed.

“No”, Haru shook his head, and Rin dared to sneak another glance, “I mean… I won’t leave… you.” Haru’s thumb rubbed Rin’s cheek, gently, right next to that spot where it was wet. “I don’t know much about that, but… I won’t leave you.”

“Yeah? Then look some more. The door’s that way.”

“No”, Haru retrieved his arms and sat next to him instead, almost in the same position. Rin didn’t hide his face, but he pressed the side of his head to his knee, just in case he wanted to. “I… I want to be with you, Rin.”

It exploded.

Rin didn’t know what, but it exploded, and it felt like the most logical thing on Earth, something he should have been expecting since this conversation started, and yet he didn’t. He didn’t know much about death, even though it sounded really ironic, but he felt like someone who’s been lethally wounded and will die in a minute, except emotionally. How long would it take to bleed to death?

“No, you don’t!”, he snapped, so loud that he surprised even himself, not to mention Haru,, “You think so but you don’t, because you… you didn’t know about this! All of you had no idea and what? You thought I was sad for six months?” Haru was silent, deadly silent, looking at him with eyes wide open and terrified, and that’s why Rin turned his head, never to look at him again, because he couldn’t -- just couldn’t, “So no, I wasn’t”, he continued, face pressed against his knees again, “I’m like this always, all the time, I’m-- I’m fucked up, Haru, and this is just what I do and it’s not going to change and I-- I” And he felt it, clogging his throat like wet, gross pieces of food clogging the sink, making him choke and all he said sound like incoherent sobs, weak and inarticulate. Reducing him to a small, pathetic sobbing mess. In front of Haru.

“Fuck!”, he choked out, and as if he wasn’t already over the edge, then the way his voice sounded certainly did the work and he slammed his fist against the closest thing he had, which turned out to be his own thigh. The pain was strong, as he hit straight in the muscle, and if someone else hit him like this, he’d probably fight them, but since it was his own hand that caused the pain, he felt better. Pain really was good. Soothing. He was still half naked and crying and he still wanted to die, but at least he wasn’t keeping it all inside anymore.

“It’s always like this!”, he cried, literally and not, an this time he didn’t care about he sounded because he wasn’t on that level anymore; and besides, it couldn’t been worse; he had to shout to keep his voice from faltering, and when he did, he sounded like an animal, but he wasn’t in the right state of mind to worry about this anymore. “I am always like this, this is what I do and I can’t stop it, so no matter what-- I-- No matter what I do I always end up like this! It won’t stop, so I’ll just-- I’ll ruin everything, that’s all I’m good at so just leave because I don’t-- I don’t want to--”

And that was where he exhausted his air reserves, choked on air and continued sobbing in his knees.

It was a very convenient moment, to be honest, because he didn’t really know how he could finish that sentence. “I don’t want to hurt you?” But it sounded like he had any effect on Haru’s emotions, and he knew he didn’t. Maybe that sentence was the best unfinished, since Rin just didn’t want in general. The problem was that things he didn’t want kept on maliciously happening, and he was too offended to even try to stop it.

For a split second he considered flipping the bird to the fate and taking Haru’s job, that is dressing up and leaving his own room with a naked and (most probably) confused Haru inside, but first of all, Nina wasn’t a dumbass and would immediately notice his gross and red face, and second of all, it was too bothersome. Not in a ‘meh, not doing it’ way, but a ‘alright, I can’t do it’ one.

So with this, he was just about to take a big breath and cry his ass out, to Haru’s possible, no, certain disgust, that is, like -- he was pretty much naked and sobbing, it was cute only on puppies -- when he felt a hand, fingers running through his hair in the gentlest way he’s experienced, even more than mom did when some kid in kindergarten stuck a piece of gum in his hair; and maybe this gentleness was what caused him to stop shivering. Instead, he felt a wave of heat on his (already hot) face and if he had hair anywhere outside his head, he’d probably look like a hedgehog.

Only the perspective of crying with a hard-on in front of Haru made him sober up, at least to a satisfying degree, and he raised his head abruptly, to check if there were visible traces of his misery, and, also, Haru.

Haru didn’t seem disgusted; if anything, he seemed compassionate, especially since Rin did the head thing with Haru’s hand still in his hair -- and if the wet traces of tears on his face have managed to somehow dry out, now they started to stream again.

Haru muttered some apologies, Rin waved his hand (in a more controlled manner) and said, no, it was me. Haru’s hand tried to regain contact with Rin’s hair, slowly, first putting the loose strands of his hair behind his ears, then brushing them with his fingers; everything with a face so focused and unreadable that Rin was slowly getting… maybe not weirded out, more like scared. No, it wasn’t that either. Unsure. Utterly confused. What was Haru trying to do?

Haru was trying to uncover his face, it seemed, as he pulled the hair above Rin’s forehead to the back in one smooth gesture.

“W-what are you doing”, Rin muttered, hands instantly going up to cover his forehead. There it was, thousands of those tiny needles of blush piercing his cheeks, as if he didn’t look dumb enough.

“No”, Haru said, firmly but calmly, like a teacher explaining something to a student, “I want it that way.”

“Why?”, Rin spat out, and now he felt like crying again, instantly. That was one of the reasons he was sure it wouldn’t work; he just couldn’t get Haru. He couldn’t understand what he was thinking, and all the explanations he came up were nonsensical. Love was about total understanding, and they had none, so…

“Because I want to look at your face”, Haru said, and Rin almost groaned. As if it was an explanation. Why? What was the reason behind this? Was Haru checking if he looked worse than on the day of the relay?

But before he managed to voice his doubts, Haru continued.

“Back then”, he started, and it told Rin exactly nothing and he felt like exploding in a cloud of ash, “when I first came here…”

Rin remembered. How giddy he felt all the time and how much he wanted to die afterwards, and how ridiculously happy he was to see Haru, Haru of all the people, even though at first he felt nothing but panic.

Oh.

So now he was going to tell him. Something bad. Rin didn’t know what, but his lungs felt like they were curling nervously, and that was a definite sign something bad was about to happen.

Haru raised his hand, gracefully and timelessly. “Your hair was like this”, he said and made a small ponytail out of Rin’s hair held by his thumb and index finger. “And…” Haru turned his head slightly to the side (Rin’s chest ached) and exhaled heavily through his nose. “And you looked good. Pretty. I mean--”, Haru shook his head a bit, as if he was getting rid of droplets of water in his fringe,

“I”, said Haru, and licked his lips, and the silence in Rin’s ears was loud and ringing, “really like your face.”

Rin stared. In shock, mostly dumbfounded; he wanted to say something, to protest, and his lips parted with a small sound. Like a kiss. How embarrassing.

And then -- he saw it. It was only obvious, since he’s been staring like a complete dumbass, but -- it happened. If it was TV, he would have squinted and made a face, and maybe say ‘What the shit?’ -- but sadly, it was reality, and he could only gape with his mouth open and brain full of big, fluffy nothing.

Haru was… blushing.

No, no. Can’t be.

But fuck, he was. Sort of. That is -- his cheeks were flushed. A bit redder; and he turned his head away. His profile was soft and pouty, and Rin’s heart was beating madly, like he’s just finished a death run. There was less than forty centimetres between their faces and Rin, theoretically of course, really could just laugh and add some dumb commentary on how Haru wasn’t that bad either. Or just lean forward and kiss him, and say ‘Forget about it’, or something along those lines. Because who would have something against it? No one. If he was a character in a book, thousands of people would encourage him to love Haru as much as he could; and even besides that, he had Kou and Chigusa, and Kaede and Ryuugazaki (oh god, he’d have to apologize -- and frankly speaking, wrestling an alligator seemed like a nicer task), and probably at least 1.5 more people that would push him forward and maybe add a ‘What are you waiting for, dumbass’ as an encouragement.

That was what he wanted, too -- and that was what Haru wanted, apparently. Giving up, giving himself to Haru, satisfying him, even though those words had no erotic meaning in this context, this thought sent shivers to Rin’s spine. He wanted to submit, he wanted to be the one to lie helplessly on his back while Haru leans over him and has all the control in the world (alright, that was erotic). He wanted, needed and desired Haru so much that it scared him, to the point that sometimes he’d wonder if he was human at all. There was nothing standing between them. Aside from sixteen thin, pale lines, there was nothing.

“Haru”, he said in the end, because he was the biggest dumb fuck in the history of humanity, “Fifteen fucking times I’ve cut my dumb body deep enough to draw blood because I couldn’t handle myself.”

His own voice -- to his gentle surprise, but just gentle, because of following reasons -- was calm, relatively, at least, and less shaking; he had no energy to shout again, so he just shrugged internally and let the words trickle out, like blood.

“And I tried to kill myself, like. Twice. And I would have succeeded, but I felt guilty about bleeding on the carpet, so I wrapped myself in stuff and washed it”, he continued, and realised that it’s been a long time since Haru’s last moved, or he’s heard Haru breathe; but he didn’t stop and think about it. “And no one knew, because I told everyone I accidentally spilled juice on it.”

In the middle of that sentence, he felt his lips stretch into a smile, and he finished it with a small laugh. It sounded dry and rof exasperation. Why hasn’t he give up already? It was pretty obvious Rin wasn’t-- well, just really bitter, at least in his ears. He didn’t want to think how it sounded for Haru.

“So I don’t think it’s--”

“No”, Haru interrupted, and Rin felt a pang wasn’t. If Rin had a little habit of, say, forgetting to eat or sleep, or bite his lips nervously, it would be cute, but for fuck’s sake, Rin’s little cute habit was cutting. Usually with some small blades, one time with an edge of a crushed can. It wasn’t cute or quirky, it was creepy, gross, so on, Haru should have backed off. But he didn’t. He still was there, idiot. Idiot. “I mean… I mean I want to look at you. No, I mean--”

“And I want to die”, he said, and it was like his voice drowned out everything else. Haru looked at him wordlessly, only his wide eyes making his expression different from his regular, uninterested one and a wave of heat suddenly hit his face. He felt like an insufferable child, making a show in a shop because their parents didn’t want to buy them a toy. That’s how this confession felt like, and Rin almost expected Haru to say ‘Right, and what of it?’. “So…”, he licked his lips, looking down; his nails were dirty and unevenly cut and he shivered internally. It would be unfair to the world, really, if someone like him dated someone like Haru. Haru probably washed his hands with absolute accuracy. “I’m… I’m sorry. And I’m stupid, and. But, um. Look, I--”

Something stung in his chest, like a sudden wave of shame, and shook him out of this pathetic state in which all he could do was incoherent babbling. No, if he wanted to avoid bawling in front of Haru, AGAIN, probably for the thousandth time this week, he’d have to keep it short and laconic. He shook his head, quickly pulled his pants up (so quickly that he almost zipped his dick off) and put on his shirt; all this while avoiding looking at Haru as much as possible.

“I’m gonna get some water”, he said quickly and got to his feet, but even though he knew it would be the best to leave this room as soon as possible, his legs didn’t share his opinion and instead of dashing off quickly and effectively, he ended up stopping the second Haru called out his name.

“Rin”, he said, and Rin has never been close to exploding, because one part of him wanted to run away and the other -- to turn around and jump at Haru like a child, and to shower him with kisses and apologies and promises he wouldn’t be able to fulfill but making them was the least he could do; “Rin, what does it mean?”

And Rin froze, and it felt like setting the shower on the level of water so hot that after a while it feels almost cold, because -- Haru’s did it again. He tore into his mind, picked what would affect him the most and used it on him in the most unpredictable way possible. Back then, before the relay, he used the best words he could choose to make Rin’s body overflow with emotions and all the things he wanted to say but couldn’t, no matter how desperately he wished for it; and now, too. It wasn’t a question he could just ignore, that it -- theoretically it was, and there was nothing that stood on Rin’s way if he wanted to shrug it off and leave the room. But in reality, it was that kind of question you can’t not reply to. It was a question Rin’s often seen in books, actually. Stuff like, ‘Explain it to me! You owe me at least this!’.

And that was it. Because, like, Rin owed Haru. A lot. A fucking lot. Everything? Fucking everything.

“Rin”, Haru said again and Rin froze even more, because the futon rustled in a way that could only mean Haru was getting up, and maybe Rin was an idiot, but there was so way Haru only wanted to stretch his legs.

“I’m”, he said, only because he didn’t want Haru to do it, because knowing Haru, it’d reduce him to a sobbing mess on the floor again; but actually he didn’t have much to say (all that was on his mind was ‘no’ repeated at least ten times in different tones), and since he sort of felt obligated to, he had no choice. Although he absolutely didn’t know how to tell Haru about this… this mess he had going on in his head. That is -- Haru was aware of a certain part of this mess now, but there was still a good chunk of it left. And it was fully responsible for the fact Rin was standing there and thinking of what to say instead of option A: leaving, just fucking leaving, and option B: turning around and kissing the life out of Haru.

Option A, option B. It was a test. For both of them.

Because he was in love. He was ｄｅｓｐｅｒａｔｅｌｙ， ｕｔｔｅｒｌｙ ｉｎ ｌｏｖｅ. And he wanted Haru with every atom of his being. But he knew himself, and he wasn’t lying; he really thought he would ruin everything. Every relationship he’s ever formed always ended over something stupid, a small difference of opinions. Someone picked on Kou, someone else was a passionate fan of Severus Snape. Someone pointed out Rin has never had a girlfriend. Those relationships didn’t end with a huge argument, but with both of them slowly realising they had nothing to talk about. One person just stopped texting, and Rin has noticed it two months after their last text.

And that was what he was afraid of, about Haru. He seemed like someone who wouldn’t just tell what was on their mind so easily; and there were things Rin wouldn’t be able to talk about, even if it was pressing on the walls of his mind and overflowing like a river after rain. There was a thin layer of silence hidden deep inside him. He had no idea if it was always there, unnoticed, or if it formed just recently. And that was the scariest part. Rin didn’t mind huge arguments. If he and Haru had one and if it would end in a breakup, he would most probably just kill himself. That was easy. But if there was an issue -- a small, almost invisible issue -- and none of them wanted to talked about it, Rin’s silence would grow. Like a real silence. When a sound suddenly stops, and there is silence, sometimes the brain creates sounds that don’t exist. And just like this, Rin’s silence would create thoughts. Thoughts he would never, of course, share with Haru, because they would be shameful and pathetic, just like him -- and eventually he’d start believing in them, as if they were words of a song taught in kindergarten. And that would end everything, because even if someone tried to help, he wouldn’t allow it. Because he’d be buried under the thick layer of silent thoughts.

(Right now, for a split second, Rin could swear he felt ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ)

That’s why he had to check. And it was like deliberately fucking up on a test, because he knew, and it was obvious, that Haru wouldn’t pass this one, there was no way, he didn’t know him that well. But he had to check if Haru would doubt him, if he’d be willing to dig deeper under his skin, create ripples on the layer of silence. Like: hey, this thing. This one, here. Is it true? You say it is, but is it? Do you have any proof, Mr Wright?

“I’m difficult”, he said after a while and his voice sounded hoarse, like he hadn’t used it for ages, “I do and say weird things, I’m weird and--”

“Rin”, Haru said, voice louder and more firm, and Rin’s breath faltered in his chest, because suddenly he felt Haru’s hand on his, and Haru intertwined their fingers, and his palm was warm, “I don’t care you cut yourself.”

A pause, in which Rin felt like his breath was being stuck in his throat, never to leave it again.

“I mean I do”, Haru corrected himself, his grip on Rin’s hand a tiny bit firmer for a moment, “You hurt yourself, and you shouldn’t want to, and--”

For a second Rin felt eleven again; like something touched his heart, light and gentle, but wild and endless at the same time -- but managed to stifle it, like he’d many times managed to stifle sobs until he was finally alone.

“And if you’ll want to do it again, I won’t let you, and I won’t let you want it, and”, the hold on his hand faltered, and it felt like Haru wanted to let go, but then “I’ll distract you. I won’t let you even notice… no, I. I don’t mind if you cry, it’s-- it’s okay, because it’s you, and”, Haru took a shallow breath, “I want to see you smile, and I want to see you not smiling, I mean, no. I. I want to see you, everyday. I mean. For a long-- no. I want to live with you. No, I-- I want you to live, no-- I mean _yes_ \--”

Haru tore his hand out of Rin’s, and when Rin turned around, he was hiding his face in his hands, like in a towel. He looked tired, worn out, and someone normal would probably attempt to hug him.

“Do you love me?”, Rin asked, lips barely moving, question barely audible, and it felt like that one particularly deep cut, back then, in the making, when he looked at the knife and giggled, and thought, ‘Holy fucking _shit_ , Matsuoka’, and his thigh was bleeding more than usual.

Haru froze, face still in hands, as if someone pressed stop on a dvd player, and when he removed his hands ( _play_ ), one look on his face made Rin regret this question and everything else he’s said.

“I don’t know”, he said, and his eyes widened, and Rin’s organism was now desperately screaming for some fucking oxygen, “but”, he looked at Rin, and then lowered his head, “I want you.” His cheeks, at least the parts of them Rin could see from under his fringe, were red like strawberries, “Close, and-- I want you to be you.”

Wet, Rin thought, wet and sticky and really gross. That’s what hearts were like, but for some reason he’s only felt it now. He had something wet and slippery in his chest and it was alive, and crawled up his throat.

Haru quickly glanced upwards, at Rin ( _at him, he was looking at him_ ), and he looked like he’s just walked on his parents doing the horizontal tango, furiously red on his face, embarrassed and confused, and slightly alarmed, and Rin’s vision blurred a little.

“But this me being me”, Rin said, slowly, and now he sounded like himself from years ago, voice high and unsure, and hoarse, “I won’t make you happy. I’m not good at all, Haru, and--”

“Do you”, Haru interrupted, suddenly, as if he’s just came up with a solution to a particularly difficult math problem, “really think so?”

Rin looked at him.

“Because”, Haru licked his lips, and then continued, “when we were little and Makoto wanted to do something, sometimes I’d say I don’t want to do it, even though I wanted, just to see if he wanted it, and if it was really worth the effort”, he finished. This time he didn’t raise his head; his cheeks were too red for eye contact. “So I thought-- I mean, I’m not saying I’m right…”

Rin kept on looking.

* * *

It was September, and it was too hot.

Rin’s room had no windows, and Haru doubted if it was aired today, or even this week; the comforter he covered Rin with was thick and rough, Rin’s body was radiating warmth, not to mention he was breathing on Haru’s chest, and his hand, fingers intertwined with Rin’s, has started to sweat.

But Rin’s breath was calm and slow, and two loose strands of hair fell across his face, on his cheeks, pale from sleep. Haru wanted to brush them aside, but they’d fall back in place, so he didn’t bother. Rin slept sort of like the dog Haru’s had; curled slightly, as if he didn’t want to occupy much space. His left hand was about to slide off Haru’s waist and there were still traces of tears on his cheeks.

It felt like a dream -- Haru was surprisingly calm, accepting reality around him as if it was something obvious, and after a while he realised it was probably he, too, was a bit sleepy.

It made some sense.

He sighed (not too passionately, because he had a faint feeling blowing on Rin’s face would be a bit rude) and fixed Rin’s hand on his waist; then closed his eyes.

Rin was hot, absolutely. But Haru didn’t really feel like getting up, or even moving away. When he closed his eyes, for a while he was a bit dizzy, but he waited for it to go away and it did, in the end, so now his head felt a little lighter. There was something bubbling up in his throat and when he opened his eyes again, facing Rin, after a moment of analyzing his own face muscles, he concluded he was smiling.

It was probably because of Rin.

He closed his eyes again, trying to relax against the hot futon and hoping Rin would let him use the shower.

Holding hands was nice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A request: don't ask me what I meant by this or that sentence. I wrote like 80% of this fic at 4AM. Forgive me. If something makes less sense than usual, I'll try to correct it as soon as I'll get over my huge wave of embarrassment over this chapter.
> 
> Seriously, what. A. Mess. But, like, hey. On July the 13th the first anniversary of this fic passed, as in, thic fic has over a year now -- and I spent half of this year... not writing it. I have to update it like it is, otherwise I'll start being picky and end up never updating it in the end. And, um, if something seems vague and has the 'there could be like three paragraphs more about it' feel, be kind to me and pretend it's because I'm going to Elaborate later. Probably I am, but you never know. Maybe it was just me falling asleep on the keyboard.
> 
> This chapter was sponsored by lily white, please spot the (gentle, almost invisible) reference. Also, who's partially at fault for me not updating? TWIT CREW, especially Iki, who said something like, "You know, Miles is a lot like Rin. No, actually, he IS Rin", and there was I, screaming about lawyers. No, I'm joking, you're the cinnamon roll to my problematic fave, I love you and you deserve 30 WELL-WRITTEN tmos chapters, but alas, I am the writer. Bear with me.
> 
> This chapter was supposed to have sex in it. There is none. Sorry. Next one won't be as heavy in cheerful themes, so I plan to make it heavy in makeouts and, ahem, fullchin boogie instead. Horizontal tango. Whatever. Fucking.


	9. information

This is not an update, for which I'm really sorry.

But, um, I made the change a while ago but it occured to me that I should let you know as well.

So hereby: writing a series exceeds my abilities. I've tried, believe me, but there's just something with me and series that makes it impossible for me to finish them. I start out, and I'm very precise. You probably noticed the idiotic amount of details in tmos. I try to describe every emotion, every move, and I try to make it chronological and sorted. But that's a bit trapping. I can't go to a scene I'd like to write when we're not in this moment yet, you know? Even though I've read in some writing advice posts that 'If you can't bring yourself to write chronologically, write what you want first, then finish what's inbetween'. But that's impossible for me! It defies reason! Nani sore!! Imi wakannai!! and so on.

And since this is a very emotional series, both for the characters and me -- I don't want to do anything half-assed. I don't just want to 'finish what's inbetween'. I don't just want to fill in the gaps so there's no holes! I want to write everything with meaning, and I want to feel everything I write. So when I publish it, I can be embarrassed to hell and back again, but not feeling guilty because I don't feel sincere about what I wrote. That is, I think there's a difference between 'Alright, I don't know what to do with this, so I'm putting it up' and 'I don't feel the flow at all, but it should be there, so I'm gonna just write it, no matter how dry it sounds, and upload it'. The first one is similar to the fine art of bullshitting an essay and, as a student, I feel a bit okay-er with that. The second one is like, bwuh.

'Bwuh'. Incredible. Have you heard I'm supposed to be good with language? Judging by what extended classes I'm taking and what I want to study in the future. 'Bwuh'. I am appalled.

Anyway! If this, by any chance, sounds scary, then: no, I'm not abandoning this series. Not at all. Of course, the reason why I hadn't updated it for so long wasn't only because I was busy with school. (Even though I was.) There were even times when I thought I'm done with rh. Because of certain events and circumstances, I even came to dislike it and considered blacklisting it. I was trying to stay humble, but when my works, both art and writing, didn't receive even the fifth piece of recognition I thought it deserved, I was upset. At first I tried to work on it, then I gave up. This is why for a long time I wasn't updating my art blog as often as I have in the past; even now, even if I'm posting something from time to time, it's almost never Free!. From the things I publish, everything is either Love Live! or Star Wars. (Alright, mostly Kylo Ren, but #WHATEVS) I also don't feel comfortable with the way rh is seen now. I've never been so active in a fandom before, and I've never been in a fandom where fan headcanons would be so widely recognized and approved that they were practically fanon-canon -- as in, no one believes they're not true and it's seen as obvious. Of course fandom generalizations are everywhere; for example, lots of people portray kurotsukki as a kind of a hate ship, in which they're both 'sassing' each other and there's more sex than actual feelings, and also Kuroo is a sex demon with a permanent smirk plastered on his face. I started shipping it because of a fic that had their dynamics completely different from this; they were awkward and cute, and even romantic. This fic had them truly acting like the teenagers they were (I mean, Kuroo actually, canonically confused _himself_ when he was talking. That's something.) And luckily, there is also a part of fandom that shares the same tastes and views on this ship as me, so whenever I feel like reading some good krtk, I just have to go on that author's profile and immerse in bliss. Rinharu is, sadly, not this kind of a ship. I know my headcanons and tasted are extremely picky and based on my own experiences, which not everyone can share. But there's this, how to put it, there's a couple of fanon assumptions concerning rh, supported by everyone, their grandmother and her cat, and even if I disagree with literally every one of them, I can't do much. Every time I, um, let my headcanons (for example concerning Rin's appearance) be known, I always had people commenting that they usually see and prefer it being the opposite, and showing me the evidence in canon material. Some people even noticed this in my art and complained about it on the wank meme, and while it was a bit hilarious (I mean, omg!! I'm being shit-talked! Isn't this amazing), it also stung a bit.

In other words, the best reaction I could count on was indifference. A normal person would shrug and deal with it, because headcanons, really, aren't the most important thing in the world. BUT I AM SPECIAL!!! And I made myself feel worse and worse because of this, like a true master of complicating literally fucking everything that I am. But even feeling all this, I still liked rh. A bit. I mean, it was when I was in Free! hell I fully realized I was a/ gay, b/ agender. Even if Free! wasn't the actual reason of it, it would be sad to just bitterly let go of the series that was there when so many things changed. Even though I'm not happy with the way the series looks like now, even though I disagree with every fanon concept, I still like rinharu in my own small understanding. Of course, sometimes I wonder if 'rinharu in my own understanding' is still 'rinharu'. They're not my own characters, after all. If I change them so much, I should just make my own OCs and stop being petty. Right? But I was never really into OCs. I had maybe like two, back when I was 12 -- they were self-inserts to ship myself with pretty male characters. (I have no idea if my 'preference' in men -- slim, dainty, pretty-faced and long-haired -- was indeed preference or a sign that HELLO MISSY YOU'RE GAY) Later, I would just imagine things about already existing characters. I mean, there were so many interesting things that weren't covered! Do they like boys or girls? Or does it matter for them at all? Are they sexist? Are they not? What is their gender? Financial situation? Self-esteem? I guess I'm like an animal peeing on a thing to claim it, except instead of peeing on characters, I give them useless details. Because I like them, and identify with them a bit, and if so, then... why not make them similar to me a bit more? Which is, obviously, self-centered, if you think about it. I thought about it a lot and figured out I'm really a self-centered, egoist person. I'm only ever thinking about myself.

AND THEN I DECIDED I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!

Like Jesus! WHY WOULD I CARE? They're my own headcanons, my own thoughts, my own imagination. If someone doesn't like it, why should I care? If I cared about every single person that doesn't agree with me, I'd be long since dead. Look, I'm into Love Live!. And I'm MADLY FUCKING INTO the new group, Aqours. But obviously, some people hate them, claim they're shitty carton cut-outs (as opposed to creative and original personalities of u's, ri.....ght.......), and should die/flop. And some people are like, hey, at least give them a chance! And I'm like, no, don't. If you're so determined in your hate, I don't think anything will change it. We don't need people like you. You either like Aqrs or not; if you're forcing yourself, or someone forces you, then obviously you're going to hate it even more. And that's fine, I don't care, as long as you don't spill your hate onto the streets. And I decided this is how I will feel about my works. If I don't get anon hate, then why should I even think about people who don't agree with me? It's a waste. Of emotions and time and everything. And I've already wasted a fucking lot of time worrying about dumb things.

In short (because this is getting fairly long for a info note. BLAME ME AND MY SELF-CENTERED ETC ETC) -- frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'm moving on, or starting anew, or picking up where I left, although wait, no, I can't call it like this. But anyway: tmos will be back.

In fact, a short summary and the actual core of this info post:

  * tmos will be back.
  * but not as tmos, because
  * i am making it a series.
  * in which tmos is the core,
  * but since i'm unable to maintain the continuity, from now on, i'll randomly publish one-shots in no particular order.
  * that's right. you might get a fic that takes place when rin is a wee gay baby, and then another one that's in the 'present' (circa about two weeks after s1e12), then another one in three months from then.
  * because i don't give a fuck.
  * or rather, i want to deliver the content, about which i DON'T GIVE A FUCK, in a good quality.
  * you can disagree with it all you want, but i want it to be at least GOOD.



yep! so, the next installment -- which is currently in making, which means i have opened a file and called it like this

will most probably contain the following:

  * a three month or so timeskip
  * fucking
  * rin crying at least once
  * rin suffering, but others comforting him
  * love live! school idol festival
  * rin and haru talking about their relationship
  * mmmmmmmmmm probably something fun i wanted to put there but forgot
  * product buy it, it's good



expect something perhaps soon? also, incoming changes in tmos? i have my finals in the first half of may and then three months of nothing so maybe

perhaps?

subscribe to the series tmos is filed under, [in reference;](http://archiveofourown.org/series/411843).

sexily sticks out a leg


End file.
